by Deja Voss
“I already told you,” I say.
She looks at me with intent seriousness and then starts to laugh.
“Sure,” she says sarcastically.
I just shrug. She can think whatever she wants.
“So what’s on the agenda?” I ask.
“Well, Diane offered to cater last-minute, so that’s one less thing to worry about,” she says. “I called a couple of Caroline’s friends, and the girls she used to work with. Did you tell your friends at the yoga studio?”
“I did,” I say. “I feel like this is happening so fast, June. It’s overwhelming. My whole life changed in the matter of the last twenty-four hours. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how I’m supposed to feel.” I think about the sadness I felt for the last couple of years, knowing that she wasn’t going to get any better, but hoping for a miracle. I think about all the hours I spent every week in that nursing home, how it was so ingrained in my life. I wouldn’t have done it any differently, but now I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. “I know you said this was how she wanted it, no frills, no nothing, but I kind of feel guilty.”
“You have nothing to feel guilty about, baby,” she says. “You gave her the best life possible while she was alive. You were her shining star and she loved you more than anything in the world. She wanted you to be happy. She wanted you to thrive, and now she can watch over you and smile and feel no pain.”
My eyes feel wet with tears. I think back to my childhood, the fact that, even though knowing now nothing was what it appeared to be, I was always loved. Even though Mama wasn’t my real mom, she never let me think anything else.
“So Micah is it?” Tony asks, extending his hand to him as he sets my frozen whipped cream-covered monstrosity of a coffee down on the table. “You’re a Marine?” he asks, eyeing the tattoo on his wrist.
“Yes, sir,” he says, sitting down at the table next to me.
“And you like motorcycles?” he asks. “I like a guy who wears his life on his sleeves.”
“You’re so cheesy, Uncle Tony,” I giggle.
“Maybe you can take a look at the old Harley I have in my garage tonight if the ladies let us. I think you might appreciate it.”
I roll my eyes. I know he means well, I know he just wants Micah to feel like a part of the family, but I don’t want to scare him off with their aggressiveness.
“That sounds great,” Micah says. “You ride?”
My aunt June chuckles. “He wishes. I don’t think that thing’s been functional since before Amber was born.”
“One of these days,” Tony shrugs. “One of these days.”
We laugh, we reminisce, they put Micah through the wringer, asking him all about where he served and what he does now, and he passes their interview like a pro, not wavering even once as I cringe the whole time, embarrassed by the way they are interrogating him. He shouldn’t have to sit through this.
“What time do you want us at the house?” I ask.
“How does five sound?” June suggests. “Everything is under control. Unless you need anything, why don’t you two just go relax for a little bit?”
“Are you going to be alright?” Micah asks as we get into my car. “Is there anywhere you want to go? Anything you want to do? I’m here for you.”
I don’t understand how he’s so perfect.
How he just fell right into my family, my chaos, my life, no questions asked. He never asked for anything from me, only giving and caring. He’s not the hardened biker that I thought he was, he’s a good man, the man that I know I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. And now, I want to give him everything.
“I want to go back to my apartment,” I say. “Then I want to take off all your clothes. I want to kiss you all over, every inch of you.”
“Amber,” he sighs, squeezing my knee. “Sometimes people do weird stuff when they’re grieving. You don’t have to do all that. Seriously, we can just hang out.”
I put my hand over his and move it up my thigh. Maybe this is my strange way of grieving, but I know that the one thing that will make me feel better than anything in the world is showing him how much I love him, even if it’s in the dirtiest possible way.
“You know you drive me insane, Amber,” he growls, squeezing my thigh tight with one hand, the other gripping the steering wheel. “But I don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage of you.”
“Come on, Micah,” I sigh. “We’re beyond that, aren’t we? Please tell me we’re beyond that.” If he can’t see that I’m crazy about him, that this has nothing to do with my age or my innocence or my grief, I don’t know what to think. “I’m not some precious little thing. I’m a woman who wants to be with you.”
We ride back to my apartment in silence.
When we get inside, he locks the door behind us, and pulls my face to his, kissing me hard, splitting my lips with his tongue.
“I know you’re not a precious little thing,” he says, “but I also know that we have the rest of our lives to do whatever you want to do. I want our first time to be special,” he insists.
I tug at the bottom of his t-shirt, eager to run my hands all over his perfect chest, desperate to feel his skin against mine.
“I don’t want you to remember your first time as one of the saddest days of your life,” he says.
“It’s not,” I insist. I’ve had so many sad days over the course of Mama’s illness. I’ve had so many moments where I thought it couldn’t get any worse, and now I finally feel like I’m allowed to be happy.
He picks me up in his big strong arms in one quick swoop and carries me to my bedroom. My heart races as he sets me down on my bed, craving him more than ever before. He slowly pulls my t-shirt up over my head, the gentle touch of his fingertips making my skin tingle with anticipation.
I stare into his eyes as I unclasp my bra. He grabs my breasts in his hands, bringing them to his lips, hungrily sucking at my sensitive nipples until I mewl. His hands travel down my stomach, down to the button on my jeans, roughly yanking them down my thighs.
“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” he growls, kissing his way down my stomach. “You’re the most perfect woman I’ve ever met.” He lingers on my hip bone, tracing his tongue over it, up and down teasingly, until I giggle.
He grinds the palm of his hand over my dripping panties, my hips bucking to meet his touch, my clit swelling, desperate for attention.
“Please,” I cry out. “Fuck me, Micah.”
“I love seeing you like this, Amber, all wound up and begging for my dick. I love turning you on and watching you squirm.” He licks my slit up and down, over the fabric of my panties. “You make me so hard.”
“I want to feel you,” I moan. “I want you inside me.” The sound of his pants unzipping is music to my ears, and I reach for my underwear, tossing them aside. My eyes grow wide, watching him pump that thick cock of his in his hand, chills running down my spine as I imagine what it will be like having him inside me.
“You want me to fuck you?” he asks, reaching for his wallet. I slide a finger into my pussy, slowly thrusting it in and out while I watch him unroll the condom over his cock. “What do you think you’re doing?” he growls. “Are you teasing me?”
He grabs both of my wrists in one hand, pinning them over my head, showing me who is in charge here. I love the mixture of fear and excitement that’s coursing through my veins right now. I trust him with all my being, all my soul, and now I want him to take me somewhere I’ve never been before.
I jump a little when I feel the tip of his cock on my eager slit.
“Hey,” he whispers, staring in my eyes. “You know I love you, right? I wouldn’t be doing this to you if I didn’t.”
I nod, smiling up at him.
“Are you ready?” he asks.
I feel my insides start to stretch as he slowly and artfully inches his way into me, staring into my eyes the whole time.
“Is that ok?” he asks. I don’t have an
answer for him, at least not one that wouldn’t come out as nonsense. I moan, wiggling my wrists from his grip, digging my fingernails into his back, feeling like I’m going to explode. He saws in and out of me slowly, watching my face curiously.
“That feels so good,” I squeal, pulling him closer, spreading my legs and hooking my ankles around his perfect shelf of an ass.
“Do you like it deep?” he asks.
“Yes,” I groan, closing my eyes as he thrusts harder into me. I don’t know how he’s not poking me in the belly button with his massive manhood.
“Do you like it hard?” he asks with a moan, his thrusts escalating as I realize what all the fuss about a g-spot is every time he slides his dick all the way out and slams it back in me.
I feel my walls start to contract around him, milking his cock, squeezing down around him. My thighs tremble and my clit erupts. “I’m cumming,” I squeal, my back arching into the bed.
“Good girl,” he groans. “Cum for me.” He continues to drill me harder and harder, my body flailing like a rag doll and my brain turning to mush. I don’t know if I’m cumming again, or if I haven’t started, but even my fingertips feel tingly as I run them over his muscled back.
He presses his lips into my neck, and I don’t think I can take any more of these sensations. I think I’m going to black out in bliss.
“You’re going to make me cum,” he stutters. “You feel fucking amazing.”
He pulls my hips down on his cock as he twitches inside of me, his mouth reaching for mine as he lets go. He stays deep inside of me as he rolls me over on top of him, running his fingers through my hair, gasping for air as he tries to catch his breath.
“So this is what everybody has been talking about all this time?” I giggle.
He traces his fingers over my back, pulling me to his chest.
“Sure is,” he said. “What do you think?”
“Well I definitely think I want to try it again. Preferably the sooner the better.”
“We can try as many times as you want,” he says. “Anywhere you want. Any position you want. I’ve got a couple in mind that you might really enjoy, but we’ll take it slow. I’m not trying to scare you off.”
“Given the circumstance, I think if you haven’t scared me off already, I don’t think you need to worry about that.” I’m sure to an outsider, there’d be something pretty wrong about this whole ordeal, but being with him feels so right. Maybe he did used to love Ava, but that has nothing to do with me. She was a woman I hardly knew.
“You sure you’re alright?” he asks.
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
“Amber, you’ve had a rough day. I mean, you’re holding it together pretty well, but I want you to know you don’t have to pretend with me. If you need to fall apart, it’s not going to scare me away. You have every right to be upset.”
He caresses my skin, kissing the top of my head as I rest on his chest, our legs tangled.
“Can I confess something?” I ask. “I’ll understand if you think I’m a terrible person and you don’t want to talk to me anymore, but I guess I need to get it off my chest.”
“Sure,” he says. “Anything.”
“I’m not upset,” I sigh. “I mean, I’m sad. It sucks when the world loses a good person before their time, but my grandma has been lost for longer than I can remember. I’m sad that Ava had so many problems that no one could help her with, but I was just a kid, there was nothing I could do. I guess I should be upset, but I feel this weird relief that I can’t explain. I feel this closure I’ve been searching for all my life without even realizing it. I finally feel like I can be me. Does that make me really selfish?”
He presses his lips to mine, while brushing my hair out of my face. “I don’t think so. And even if it does, when’s the last time you got to be selfish?”
“Honestly?” I giggle, “When I got to play stripper for the weekend. I knew it was so wrong, and I knew I didn’t belong up on that stage, but pretending like I did was just so fucking fun.”
“Yeah well, no more of that. Unless you’re planning on giving me some private dances.”
I kiss his gorgeous lips and run my fingers over his corded shoulders.
He gets up to toss the condom and I sprawl out on the bed, making a giant starfish out of my body. “Is it selfish that I want to take a nap like this?” I tease.
“I guess it’s not if you don’t mind me sleeping on top of you,” he laughs, grabbing me in his arms, and spooning me next to him. “I meant what I said, Amber. I do love you. Not just because I want to fuck you, which I definitely do. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and I hope you know I mean that. Nothing in my past compares to you.”
“Let’s not talk about the past anymore,” I say. “I love who you are now. You’re the perfect man for me.” I set the alarm on my phone and close my eyes, our bodies pressed tight together.
CHAPTER 37
T he memorial service at Aunt June’s was surprisingly pleasant. There were a lot of faces I hadn’t seen in years, my gymnastics coach, our neighbors from the old house, and a few friends from high school who I promised I would keep in touch with and never did. The girls from my yoga studio showed up, and so did Aunt June’s bowling team. Sure, there was crying, but there was so much love in her house, and so much amazing spaghetti, I knew that Mama would’ve really loved this celebration back in her heyday.
Micah stood by my side the entire time, introducing himself as my boyfriend and being nothing but his charming self. I’m not going to lie, it made me feel good the way the other women gawked over him. Waiting around for Mr. Right definitely paid off for me. They don’t need to know that he’s a hardened biker with a dark past. They don’t need to know that his family runs one of the most feared motorcycle clubs in the state. The man he is when he’s with me is a perfect gentleman. It doesn’t hurt that he’s also a veteran.
I think even Uncle Tony has a crush on him. As soon as everyone cleared out, he commandeered him the first chance he got to take him out to the garage and show him his motorcycle. I stayed inside to help Aunt June clean up. We needed to talk about some things anyway.
“I really really like him,” she says to me, loading plates into the dishwasher. “I would’ve never pegged you as a girl who’d be into older men, but for some reason, I think it’s perfect.”
“Well I’m glad you approve,” I laugh. I sit on a stool at the kitchen island, dangling my feet from the edge, staring at the floor. “What happens now, June?”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“Our lives are going to change so much now that Mama is gone.” I know how much time she spent at the nursing home, at least double the amount of time I spent there. She has been my best friend all these years. I don’t want to leave her in the dust just because I met a guy. It’s not fair to her. In my mind, I’m dreaming of the day that Micah and I can live closer together, but I can’t ask her to pack up and move.
“It is. You know, Tony and I have been wanting to travel for a long time now. I’ve never been out of the country, and he has family in Italy that I’d love to meet. He’s retired, I’m retired, it’s time for the two of us to enjoy our lives.”
I don’t know why, but I begin to cry. They aren’t tears of sadness, they’re tears of relief. I know how much of her life she gave up for me and my mother, and now she gets to be an independent woman.
“Just like that?” I ask.
“I’ll always be there for you, Amber. You know that. But you’re a grown woman now, and I think you probably have a lot of things you’d rather do than hang around with us old farts. As much as I’ve sacrificed, you’ve sacrificed tenfold. You never got the chance to be a wild and irresponsible kid. Now’s the time.” She hugs me tightly in her arms. “You’ll always be my sweet little niece no matter where you go or what you do.”
“I love you,” I say.
“You have to tell me; did you ever end up finding anything
out about Ava? Or did you meet Micah and get so distracted that you just decided to call it quits.”
“She was gone by the time I got there, June,” I say, only half lying. According to her journal, she was gone long before she even left us. She caused everyone enough pain over the years, every single person that was important to me, and even though I wish I would’ve had a chance to talk to her, to confront her, to tell her how terrible it was of her to abandon me, I think it’s time to put this to rest. Forgiving her is the only way that I can be certain she’s resting in peace.
I still feel a sadness in my heart that she lost her life. I want her to rest in peace and I want the memories I have of her to be the good ones, back when I was innocent, back when she was the sun and moon in my eyes, my best friend. Selective forgetfulness. Someday I will talk to June about the ordeal.
Not today, though.
“What do you say, ladies?” Tony asks, walking in the back door. “Had enough fun for the day?”
“Thank you for everything, Uncle Tony. I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking me in and looking after me these last few years.”
“You know I planned on taking your boyfriend out to the garage and giving him the talk, right?”
I roll my eyes. The smirk on Micah’s face says it all.
“He’s way too nice. And he’s going to help me get that bike back on the road, so you better be good to him, at least for a little while.”
I shake my fist at him and smile. I’m sure if they knew the whole truth about his past, they might not being so enthusiastic about him, but that doesn’t matter anymore.
All that matters now is our bright future, whatever that’s going to look like.
“You ready to go home?” he asks.
“I am.”
CHAPTER 38
Micah:
L ong distance relationships blow. I feel like I spend most of my days looking forward to the weekend, talking on the phone with Amber, or just thinking about her all the time.
