“That’s the problem. You’re not like them. Not to me.” His voice was soft, and a second later he kissed me. I couldn’t keep fighting him, not that I’d ever really been that good at it, and I kissed him back. But I refused to touch him. He moved his hands around to cup my ass through my jeans, and I opened my mouth a little for him. When he pushed his thigh between my legs, rubbing against my cock as he had me pinned to the wall, I flicked my tongue between his lips.
I didn’t think about what he’d said, or question him about it either, as my will slowly cracked. I brought my hands out of my pockets and rested them on his chest. He put his hands under each of my thighs and lifted me up. I slid my legs around his waist and didn’t stop him as he pushed against me, letting me feel every hard inch of him.
Wanting him wasn’t the problem; it was how I felt about myself afterward that was. If I could just be one of his anonymous hookups, then I could have easily given in. I probably wouldn’t have had on my clothes shortly after arriving. But I wasn’t like that, couldn’t be, and the only way I was going to let Trent have me again was if there was something more between us. I didn’t need a ring, or even a promise of years to come, but I did need commitment. I’d been the other person, and I wasn’t doing that ever again.
I pulled my mouth away from his before we could go any further. “Trent, enough. Stop.” He slowly let me down and hung on to me until I moved away from him.
“I can’t be someone that you just have sex with. I’m sorry. I wish I could, because then things would be a lot easier between us, but I’m not like that,” I said as I began backing up toward his door.
He took my hand, stopping me before I could get away from him and back to my house, where I was usually much saner. “I didn’t bring you here to have sex with you,” he said.
“Really?” I didn’t believe him for a second.
He gave me a little grin. “Okay, maybe a little. But mostly I just needed to talk to you. And then I had you here and we were alone and I can’t not touch you when we’re alone.” He shrugged and pulled me toward him. I came and he let go of my hand. “Talk to me for a bit?”
I nodded. “Sure.” I could manage to talk to him for a little while without wanting to yell at him. Probably. Wanting to have sex with him was always there, but yelling at him was something I had wanted to do often enough to him too in the past few weeks. He was frustrating in a way few people had ever been for me before, Paul included.
We sat down on his couch and our hands seemed to come together on their own without me wanting it. But I didn’t pull away. It was good to hold his hand, to feel his rough palm against mine, to lace our fingers together as we sat quietly in his living room. I didn’t want to start talking first, and he didn’t start either. But one of us had to.
I laid my head down on the back of the couch and looked up at the ceiling. “Did you not have sex with any of them because you didn’t have a bad day since we last spoke or because you found somewhere else to get your needs met?”
“Neither. What makes you madder, that we had sex or that I needed some time to myself after?” he asked.
He hadn’t given me much of an explanation, but after asking him the same question repeatedly, or what felt like the same question to me at least, I didn’t really want the answer anymore. That wasn’t true. I did want the answer. I wanted it a lot. But I wasn’t going to keep pushing him if he so clearly didn’t want to talk about it.
I turned my head to glare at him, but he wasn’t looking back at me, so I wasn’t sure if he noticed it or not. “I was mad, and still am really, that you just cut me out like you did to Eli and every single one of the other guys you screw and never talk to again. I didn’t expect a lot from you, but I did need to know that I wasn’t like them, that we were friends who had sex once when you needed someone to be there for you and that we would be friends again after.”
Trent nodded, and I felt him squeeze my hand.
“That wasn’t too much to ask,” I added.
“I know. And I’m sorry about that. I needed to have some time to think.”
“About what?” I asked.
He shrugged and turned his face toward me. We were so close in that moment our noses were practically touching. I could have kissed him if I’d wanted to. “When Simon fell, I felt broken apart. I’d never lost anyone before. And he wasn’t really gone, but at the same time he was. And I got used to thinking of him like that. Then anytime I felt needy or like maybe I wanted to try a relationship again, I’d go out and find someone to have sex with. I don’t mind what I did, and it reminded me I could still get my needs met without having to care about anyone beyond making sure they had a good time with me. I never felt dirty or like I was using them.”
I frowned, not entirely sure where he was going with this, because I didn’t want to know any more about why he had sex with so many people like he had. I kept asking though, like I couldn’t help myself.
“But with you I realized I had used you. And I’d used you not only to meet my own needs and get rid of the pain I was feeling, but also as a stand-in for what I remembered having with Simon. I kissed you, I held you, I fell asleep with you. That doesn’t happen normally.”
I was starting to feel sick and tried to get up, but his hand in mine stopped me from being able to. “Let me go,” I told him as I pulled my hand out of his. I headed toward his front door while shaking my head and wondering why the hell I’d ever thought coming to his home was a good idea.
“Caleb… wait.”
I stopped and turned with my hand on the doorknob. “Why? You just told me that being with me was like having sex with your dead ex. That’s the worst thing I’ve heard in a long time, and I don’t think I can hear anything more from you right now. I’m going. I have to.”
Chapter Twelve
Trent
“THAT’S NOT what I meant—” I tried to explain, but he was already out my front door and heading back to his SUV with the door slamming behind him. I sighed and sat down heavily on the couch. “Fucking perfect.”
My phone beeped, letting me know I had a message. I thought maybe it was from Caleb, hoped it would be actually, as improbable as that would have been, but instead it was from some guy on the app. I deleted it without a second thought.
Come back. I texted him.
Caleb isn’t available right now as he currently wants to kick you in your dick.
I smirked and shook my head. Of course he was angry. I hadn’t explained things properly to him at all, so I had almost expected this from him. But it still hurt more than I realized it would to have him walk away from me like that.
Let’s talk.
We tried that. It didn’t work out so well. Also, I’m not Simon. You got weeks away from me. Give me that too.
I wanted to argue with him, to tell him that of course I knew he wasn’t Simon, that I hadn’t even been saying that about him. But when I tried calling his phone a few minutes later, it went straight to voice mail.
With a groan I tossed my phone to the other end of the couch. But I had one last text to send him before I really gave up, so I grabbed my phone again and texted him. Give me one more chance. Please.
I DIDN’T expect to hear back from him right away, not after the last text he’d sent. It took him four whole fucking days to respond to any of my texts. I kept asking him for another chance, for one more time from him. I promised to behave myself but after four days of not hearing from him it was damn hard not to go over to his house and bang on his front door until he came out to talk to me. Can I have one more chance? Just one? I miserably tried texting him again, sure he would ignore it just like all the others I’d sent him over the previous week.
To do what? was all he said a minute later.
I was sitting at my desk at work after having returned from a shoplifting kid call at the grocery store. The kid had been an easy call, which I was getting tired of my dad sending me out on after Simon’s death, like I needed to be handled with kid gl
oves instead of being allowed to work like I normally did. But I’d remembered to grab myself some chips for lunch while I was there, so that was something, I guessed.
To be your friend. I texted back. I wanted him in my life and a friend was better than nothing.
He texted me back almost immediately. No. I have enough friends right now.
Well, that was unexpectedly harsh.
Okay.
With my appetite suddenly gone, I tossed the rest of my chips into the trash and shook my head. Well, fine, then.
If you ever think you can have an actual relationship, let me know.
That text surprised me. I didn’t know if I could. I didn’t know if I ever wanted to get back to that place of being with just one person, of caring about them so much that I willingly gave them a huge part of myself. Being in love was terrifying, and now that I’d been through it, and lost it, I didn’t understand why people wanted it so badly. I hurt every day because Simon wasn’t with me anymore.
Someday I knew that I would probably have to move on, to welcome someone new into my life, but at the same time I didn’t see why I had to either. My dad wanted to see me settled down, but being with someone like that wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I didn’t want to let Caleb go so easily, though.
I rubbed my hands over my face as I tried to figure out what to do about him, and also my feelings for him. Saying good-bye completely to him wasn’t an option. But neither was jumping headfirst into a relationship either. Can we try a date on Saturday? I’ll take you out.
Counteroffer. You come over here. Natalie is a great cook and has been insisting on meeting you.
I remembered Natalie, and her extremely good-looking husband, from his place. I was surprised they were still there, though. Sure. Time?
Six.
See you then.
I considered putting in a smiley face or some other crap but decided against it right before I sent the text off. We weren’t children, and I didn’t need a smiley face to show him I was glad he was willing to give me another chance. Whether I deserved it or not, though, was something that had yet to be decided.
I was at Caleb’s house right on time. I’d even worn a pair of my best jeans. But I got distracted before I could get to the front door by watching a kid trot around on the draft horse that was barely bigger than a pony Caleb had in one of his pastures.
“Hey,” Caleb said, coming out to greet me as I stood on the path. “Dean said you were out here.”
“Hi. Sorry. Is that a horse or a pony?” I asked.
Caleb shrugged. “Green Acres called him a draft horse mix. I think they were exaggerating on his height in calling him a horse, but for a kid he’s a good size.”
“I’m glad you decided to foster for them, even after knowing about me and the guy from the sanctuary, since there are a lot of horses that need help.” I saw him flinch, and I cursed myself for mentioning him. It was stupid, and I shouldn’t have done it at all. Caleb didn’t need the reminder that I’d been with more guys than him. “I’m sorry,” I said with a sigh.
He nodded and turned to glance up at the house. “We should head up before Natalie sends Dean to come bring us in. Or before she comes after us herself.”
I wanted to get to know his friends and the people who were important to him. But I couldn’t help feeling like there might be something else going on. “Did you want to be here instead of at my place for any reason?” It wasn’t meant to sound like I didn’t want to be there, so I hoped he didn’t take it that way.
“Yeah. I didn’t want to be alone with you right now,” he quietly told me as we started heading up the narrow path that went from his driveway to his front door.
That stung a bit, but I probably deserved it. “Any reason?”
“Can’t have sex with you when there are other people around.” Caleb was being blunt, and honest. I liked that about him.
“Probably best.” He shot me a look, and I nodded to his unspoken question. Hopefully I’d guessed it correctly, though. “As much as I want you in every position and in every room of your house, on each and every surface, I don’t want you to be angry with me anymore. You’ve got every right to be, because I did use you, but I’d rather not fight with you anymore.”
He gave me a weak smile. “I’d rather not either.” We were almost to his front door, and I wished we could talk instead of going inside. “I like you a lot, and trying things again, but slower, would be nice. I’d need commitment from you, though, and you can’t do that. Until you can, then I don’t know what to tell you.”
I understood where he was coming from and knew I could try that. But I was pretty sure that just trying, and promising that I’d be committed to him, weren’t going to be enough. He wanted a relationship, and he deserved one too. I couldn’t offer him that. Not yet at least.
“Let’s go inside,” he said when I hadn’t replied to him.
“Okay.”
His house smelled delicious, and I could have spent the rest of the afternoon sitting at his island and just soaking in the smells of pecan pie, orange-glazed ham, real mashed potatoes, and collard greens.
“So, how do you know my Caleb?” Natalie asked me right before I managed to stuff another bite of her rolls into my mouth.
I stopped buttering it for a second to answer her. For some reason Sam was watching me intently, like my answer absolutely mattered to him, while Dean kept eating. Caleb met my gaze, briefly, before putting more mashed potatoes on his plate.
“We met when I came to check out the new person in town. It’s a small town, and Caleb made up quite a bit of the gossip for the first few weeks because of this big house and not having a family. My dad is the one who first sent me over to make sure he wasn’t a serial killer with bodies in the basement actually.”
Caleb snorted and I smiled at him. “I didn’t know that part. Did your dad ever approve of me moving here, then?”
I shrugged and was glad he returned my smile. “Jury’s still out. But no one has gone missing from here lately, so he probably figures you’re okay and just some crazy rich guy instead of a crazy, murdering rich guy.”
Natalie cleared her throat and took a drink of the white wine we were having. I didn’t miss the look she gave Caleb, though, as we continued eating. She even nodded at me while trying to get some message across to him. I’d be asking him about that exchange between them later for sure.
Pecan pie with ice cream was amazing after dinner, and when everyone else took a second slice, I was glad I wasn’t the only one who needed one. Dean was still the most ridiculously good-looking black man I’d ever seen, but I wasn’t fumbling over myself anymore like I had been when I’d first met him and thought he was someone Caleb had started dating. Thankfully Caleb had been down at the pasture then.
After dinner Caleb took me down to the barn, and I felt like I was ready to talk to him. “I like your friends,” I told him as we walked down the trail.
“Thanks.”
I offered him my hand, by brushing my knuckles against his, and was surprised that he put his hand in mine. We didn’t stop at the barn, like I thought we would; instead we went into the woods behind his house. I was glad he was making use of all the government land around him. The dense and beautiful woods were wonderful to walk through. “I need you to know that I’m not Simon,” he said when we’d managed to get pretty deep into the forest.
“I do know that,” I told him. I felt instantly defensive and had to take a breath before I screwed this up with him any more than I already had.
He stopped walking and found a dry bit of moss to sit on as we leaned against a large pine tree. Still his hand was in mine, and I hoped he didn’t take it away from me anytime soon.
“You don’t, though, not really. At least I don’t think you do,” Caleb pressed.
I turned to look at him, waiting for him to continue with whatever he was going to say. But I wasn’t going to tell him that right away. He let go of my hand, and I was instantly
disappointed by the lack of contact with him, but then he got up. “Open up your legs.”
My mind instantly went dirty, I couldn’t help it. I grinned up at him as I started thinking about him on his knees in front of me, my cock buried deep in his mouth, the head pressing against the back of his throat as I fucked him. “Why?” I was already getting hard and moved my hand to my stomach, right above the button of my jeans, so I could open my pants and make things easier on him.
“Just do it.” He rolled his eyes, and the grin never left my face. But once I’d opened my thighs for him, he just sat down between my legs and leaned back against my chest. I swallowed thickly, both because I didn’t want him to feel how hard I was, and also because this wasn’t something I did, ever.
But I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my chin against his shoulder anyway. His hands came over my arms, and I tried to relax and not think about how good it felt to hold him, to have someone I cared about in my arms again. In my mind I just kept trying to remind myself not to say anything stupid, to not screw things up with him. Again. I didn’t know how much I wanted from him, how far I wanted this thing between us to go, but I did know I wanted another chance to show him that I could be a decent person, that we could be good together, and that I knew how to treat him well and not to selfishly use him like I had.
His phone beeped, and he let go of me with one of his hands to pull it out of his pocket and check it. I saw a picture of a guy holding his hard dick and a message saying I need u. I tried not to tighten my arms around him or give in to the hypocritical jealousy I was feeling in that moment at the thought of Caleb with whoever it was that had sent him the text. He wasn’t mine to get jealous over, but at the same time I didn’t want him to be with anyone else. Especially not someone who couldn’t take the two extra seconds to type out “you” on their phone.
“Do we need to go back?” I asked. I hoped I didn’t sound like I’d looked over his shoulder at his phone, but it had been kind of hard to avoid seeing it too.
One More Time Page 15
