Dark Times

by Rob Reger

  Have made some preparations:

  Whipped up batch of white fever vaccine.

  Vaccinated myself and packed doses for Lily and family.

  Attempted to get the creepy cat tail away from Mystery. No dice! She ran into the basement with it and refused to come out, even for snack treats.

  Wrote Mom a note that went a little something like this: “Yo Patti—Have gone back in time to vaccinate Great-Aunt Lily. Will hopefully return before you read this note. If you ARE reading this note, it probably means I screwed up the space-time continuum. If I did THAT, then most likely, neither of us was ever born. Therefore, you are not reading this note. See ya soon—E.”

  Threw the note away.

  Gave Sabbath, NeeChee, and Miles lots of extra cuddles, snuggles, babytalks, and snack treats, in case I fail to be born.

  Attempted some research on 1790s fashions in case I need to disguise myself. I will not be wearing any of those clothes, I tell you that. Will just have to travel by cover of dark.

  Tried again to get Mystery out of the basement. She eventually ran into the attic with the cat tail. Slagtix!!!!!

  After much thought, decided to tune the Time-Out Machine to take me to August 5—the day after the cat tail was severed from the cat, when Lily was already confined upstairs. This should prevent me from encountering Boris unexpectedly, but get me there before the dark elixir dries up. Cannot afford to take any chances getting back home!!!

  Snagged an apple off neighbor’s tree to take with me, so I can be sure to get back to my own time.

  Switched Raven into downtime mode to prevent any unanticipated mischief. Much better to have her sitting around with her mouth open until I return.

  FINALLY managed to corner Mystery in my room with the blasted cat tail. Now if I can just get it away from her for a moment!

  Booby-trapped bedroom door and windows, just in case of intruders. You never know!

  Later

  This is not fun. Have been chasing Mystery around my room for the past half hour. Mystery thinks this is all the most glorious jamboree of good times and glee. I, on the other hand, am making up new swearwords at a rate of 3 per second. GABBERPLUCKING FELINE!!!!

  LATER EARLIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, 2OO+ years earlier!!!!!

  IT WORKED!!!!!! AM BACK WITH LILY!!!!!!!!!!!!! AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  OK. Must settle down and describe events from the beginning.

  IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKED

  I finally got the tail away from Mystery for a moment and stuck it in the Time-Out Machine. OF COURSE, just as I was pressing the GO button, Mystery leaped inside and grabbed hold of the tail. What did I expect her to do? Well, so she’s here with me now, hanging out with Lily’s (tail-free) cat, Enigma. But more on that later.

  So yeah. Pressed the GO button. Everything winked away from around me and for a weird, timeless, endless instant, I was floating in Nothing, in X-space and X-time, in darkness that wasn’t dark, because to be dark is to be SOMETHING; then we were there in Lily’s bedroom, watching Lily put a severed (but still wiggling) cat tail into a small wooden crate stenciled LILY ÉTRANGE.

  She didn’t see me yet. I thought I should probably alert her that I was there before she started, I don’t know, picking her nose or something.

  ME: Hey, Lily, don’t freak out, I’m your, uh, cous—

  Lily: AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

  Me: Shh, shh, seriously, everything’s OK. I’m a relative of yours. I’m here to help you.

  L: [Backed against the wall. Staring wildly at the Time-Out Machine. Looking very freaked out.] How did you get in here?

  Me: Long story. I came from the future. I’m here to vaccinate you against white fever.

  L: Who ARE you?

  Me: I’m your, hm, well, actually I’m like your Great-Great-Great-Great-Niece, only with about ten “greats” in there. But you can call me Cousin Emily. All I want to do is vaccinate you, OK?

  L: What does “vaccinate” mean?

  Me: Oh, you know . . . oh. Right. You don’t know. Vaccines aren’t gonna be invented for another six years. Well, it’s like a medicine you take before you get sick.

  L: [Silently blinking at me in fear and shock.]

  Me: [Jovially.] Well, no time like the present! Er, the past! Whatever! C’mon . . . [Taking syringe out of my pocket and approaching her with it.] What do you say we get this stuff in your vein, now-ish? No telling when you might come down with something deadly.

  L: [Staring in terror at me and the fairly horrific needle I was pointing at her.] AIIIEIIIEIIEEEE!!!!!!

  Voice from other room: Lily? Are you well?

  ME: [Hoping I sounded like Lily.] Yes . . . very well . . . thank you! [To Lily.] Seriously, Lily, listen up. You know this dude Boris? Bad guy? He’s been stealing your dark elixir?

  L: [Obviously trying to get hysteria under control.] Yes?

  Me: I’m here to help you out with that, so pull yourself together, OK?

  L: [Struggling . . . obviously struggling.] What does that mean . . . “OK”?

  Me: [Slapping self on forehead for not doing more research on 1790s colloquialisms.] It means “all right.” And I’m your friend. I’m your RELATIVE. Hey, look at us! Don’t tell me you can’t see the family resemblance! Hey . . . look at our CATS!

  L: [Staring at our two black cats, who

  were ecstatically grooming each other and making a combined noise like twenty-three hives of bees in a motorboat.] Yes . . . that IS odd. Enigma doesn’t usually like other felines.

  Me: Yeah, there we go. Let’s just sit down here at the . . . er, sideboard . . . thingy . . . and have a cup of tea, or something, and get to know each other a little, what do you say?

  Later

  HORRIBLE NEWS!!!!!!!!

  It’s not August 5 . . . it’s AUGUST 7.

  Despite my best efforts to get here the day after the tail was severed, and before the fountain of dark elixir dried up, I have arrived too late.

  There is no black rock here.

  My Time-Out Machine is useless.

  I AM STUCK IN THE 1790s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Here’s how I found out: Lily and I were sitting at the sideboard thingy, enjoying our little vaccination/teatime chat, when it occurred to me that I had better secure some of her dark elixir sooner than later.

  ME: Hey, Lily, I understand you have a dark elixir that you use to heal people?

  Lily: [Looking suddenly wary.] Yessss . . .

  ME: I used to have some of that stuff myself. I call it black rock. I got it from another one of my Dark Aunts . . . who won’t actually be born for another hundred years or so. Anyway, I’ve been using it to power my inventions. Y’know, like my Time-Out Machine over there. Well, here’s the thing, see, I used up my remaining supplies getting back to your time and, ahem, saving your life,20 so I was wondering . . .

  L: I would gladly give you all the dark elixir you require, Cousin Emily, but I have none myself.

  Me: WHA—[choking]—Nooooooo! But . . .

  L: Yes, the fountain in our basement has dried up completely. I do wish I knew how to make it flow once more, for Uncle Boris will bring us no food until I do, and my family and I are ravenous.

  Me: But . . . don’t you have some kind of reserve supply? A big jar of it hidden away in a closet somewhere? Something?!??!???!

  L: I have nothing.

  In a panic, I sprinted to the Time-Out Machine. Looked in the hopper to see if any specks of dried black rock remained so I could roll back one precious day. ALL GONE!!!! I must have run out just before I got to August 5. Oh if only I had managed to scrape up a few more precious grains!

  Am dying a little inside right now. I am stranded in a time 100 years before the lightbulb. 150 years before the skateboard. 200 years before the Chia Pet. Am feeling insanely claustrophobic and FREAKED OUT!!!!! Must calm down. Must THINK. Must . . . AaaaaIIIIEeeeE! Am not calm AT ALL!!!!!

  Later

  Had to stop writing back there and do some meditation in th
e vulture pose for a while until I got a grip on myself. Am calmer, but very, very worried about my chances of returning to my own time. I see now that it was incredibly careless of me to just blithely zap myself into the 1790s without making FLATHERING CERTAIN that I had a way home.

  Would compose Note to Self about properly cautious future use of the T.O.M., except I don’t think I will ever get the chance to use that advice.

  Later

  Have been talking with Lily in hopes of learning something useful and/or taking my mind off the fact that I will likely never return to my own time. Here are some high points of our conversation:

  Boris IS her relative. Third cousin thrice removed, but still. Grrrrrrr!

  As I know from his diary, he got here three days ago with his traveling medicine show.

  The day he arrived, his dogbeast attacked Enigma and BIT OFF HER TAIL!

  Lily used her dark elixir to heal the wound and save Enigma from bleeding to death, but could not reattach the tail. (Actually, she was shocked and horrified when I even suggested reattaching the tail. Had to remind myself that reattaching severed body parts was not invented until the 1960s. What a shame . . . wasted years, wasted appendages!!)

  She couldn’t bring herself to get rid of the severed tail, since it still seemed alive (possibly due to being soaked in dark elixir). It was even reflecting Enigma’s moods. It was only today that she decided to box it up, as it was creeping out her mother and sister.

  Lily agrees with me that dogs are more trouble than most animals, though admittedly nicer than most people.

  As we know, Boris saw Lily using the dark elixir to heal Enigma. He helped himself to a bottle of it, called it Uncle Boris’ Fever Reliever, and tried it out in his medicine show that very day.

  After dozens of spectacular cures, Boris quickly did three things: A) imprisoned Lily’s family in the upstairs rooms of their house and nailed shut all the windows, B) installed a bottling operation in their basement, and C) quadrupled the price on a bottle of Fever Reliever.

  But after two days of being basically worshipped as a sort of magical healer from heaven, Boris discovered that the fountain of dark elixir had gone dry.

  He ordered his henchmen to begin digging under the house to see if they could reopen the source. No luck.

  Naturally, he tried entreating, pleading, coercing, threatening, and cajoling Lily’s family to tell him the secret of the dark fountain. With no results.

  This morning he announced that he would not be bringing the family any food until they decided to help him.

  Lily gratefully accepted my last two licorice sticks, but then promptly went and gave them to her mother and sister.

  OK. So. There is a small ray of hope here, IF someone somewhere in the town still has a little Fever Reliever left, and IF I can somehow locate it. I admit the chances of this are not excellent, but it’s something to cling to.

  On top of all that, I am already hungry, and the knowledge that there is no food in the house isn’t quieting my stomach any.

  Will have to bust out of here ASAP!

  Later

  Have scoped the house situation. Boris’ men have it pretty well surrounded, so this will be a little more difficult than just jimmying a window. Wish I had the blueprints of the house and some satellite photos of the grounds. And a basic toolkit. And some scrap lumber. And a working Time-Out Machine. SIGH.

  Have asked Lily if I can meet her family, to see if they have any useful information and/or supplies. Also feel the need to get my Time-Out Machine into a secure hiding spot, but Lily assures me it is perfectly safe in her room. I bet she has some pretty good booby traps of her own.

  Later

  Have met Lily’s mother, Pearl, and her older sister, Opal. Lily did an excellent job of priming them for meeting me, so there were no hysterics. It seems that Pearl is a huge believer in the spirit world, so Lily simply told her that I am a relative from another time. Pearl has obviously assumed I am already dead. This is apparently less creepy to her than believing that I have not been born yet. Whatever works.

  Opal is eighteen and much like her mother, i.e., very nice, and most certainly cut from a different cloth than Lily. To be specific: cheery, pastel, floral cloth, with plenty of ribbon and lace trimmings. What I like best about Opal right now, though, is the fact that she and Caleb (Boris’ psychic) are in looooooooove, and (unbeknownst to Boris) engaged to be married. Turns out, this isn’t Boris and Caleb’s first visit to the Étrange family; otherwise, I might have to lecture Opal on the Dangers of Loving Too Fast. Ahahahahahaha!!—Like I care. Anyway, it’s excellent news. We would be in deep fewmets if Boris had a psychic in his loyalties as well as on his payroll. We are going to enlist Caleb in sneaking me out of the house. Plans are pending; more later.

  Later

  Cannot believe I am wearing what I’m wearing.

  Mostly I did it to please Lily, who seemed to be enjoying herself. I do not plan on letting anyone see me. At least all her clothing is black. I cannot believe how many items of apparel these people wear at one go. Lily’s basic underclothes cover more skin than my dress! Just to hang around the house, she wears more layers than I would wear to go snowboarding. And the BONNET!!!! Let’s not even talk about the bonnet. I do not see how she stands it.

  Later

  I did it! Am out of the house! Am hiding behind an empty shed, catching my breath. Here’s how it went down: Opal alerted Caleb by urgent thought message that we were going to attempt an escape and we needed him to create a diversion. He informed Boris that a group of street youths was attacking his medicine show. Boris immediately led most of his thugs into town to rescue his caravan, leaving only two guards, one at each door. Meanwhile, Lily and I had crept into the attic via a tiny hidden trapdoor in Pearl’s bedroom, then crawled along the rafters to a small window overlooking the back of the house. We’d been right—Boris hadn’t bothered to nail up the attic windows!

  I anchored the rope we’d made out of bedsheets (CLASSIC!) to a rafter while Lily slid the window open. I went down the bedsheets, and Lily pulled up the rope behind me. Yes! Free at last!21

  Lily will be back at the window in two hours. Hopefully that’s plenty of time for foraging. Am getting VERY hungry, and, unlike Lily and family, I’ve had a couple meals in the past twelve hours. Fever Reliever Recovery Effort may just have to wait!

  Later

  Have raided—or tried to raid—the Étrange family garden. Sure wish I were not so pressed for time. It is packed with the most amazing trees and plants, but, unfortunately, none of them look edible. Would like to sit around at my leisure sketching some of those flowers. Maybe later. I have never seen anything like some of them, and I think I’m pretty good at ID’ing odd flowers!

  Later

  Have raided—or tried to raid—the fruit trees in the next-door neighbors’ garden. Unfortunately they have a savage dogbeast patrolling their property. Had to scrabble over the fence in a bit of a panic.22 Will not be helping myself to their apples anytime soon.

  OK—must get a move on and check out the food situation in town. I hope they are big on veggie sandwiches in 1790!!!!!!!!

  Later

  I should have known they wouldn’t be big on veggie sandwiches in 1790. Also, it looks like they are not big on A) vegetarian restaurants that put perfectly good food in their Dumpsters, B) vegetarian restaurants, or C) restaurants. I could not find a single one! They probably have not been invented yet. Will have to look in the garbage cans outside the taverns and inns.

  Later

  The “food” being tossed out of the taverns and inns of Seaside-town is not fit for the worms crawling in it. Clearly, they are not big on public health and safety in 1790.

  Later

  They are also not big on advertising in 1790—not compared to the load I’m used to, anyway—but I’ve already seen several posters for Uncle Boris’ stolen dark elixir.

  Later

  My plan for not letting anyone see me dressed like this
has clearly gone by the wayside. I keep expecting people to point and laugh. Then I realize I look completely unremarkable. Cannot get used to wearing so much FABRIC.

  Later

  Now that I’m out and about in my 1790s gear, I can fully appreciate the functionality and genius of the bonnet: A) It is completely sunproof; B) No one can see my face; C) I don’t have to see anyone else’s face. Of course, for once, I WANT to see people’s faces, because I’m in the fallberjocking 1790s, and everyone looks fascinatingly alien. Though I must say there are a few extremely modern-looking people in 1790. One or two could pass for hipsters from big cities, circa 1981, or even 1991 if you count some of the stablehands.

  Later

  One precious hour has gone by. Am somewhat anxious, and getting hungrier. Can only imagine how Lily, Pearl, and Opal must feel. Wish I could zap back home and hit up a grocery store, where they recognize my money. Could really wow Lily with modern foodstuff novelties, like, I don’t know, seedless watermelon, or Ho Hos.

  Later

  Am clearly desperate. I just followed a CHICKEN to her NEST behind a STABLE, where I found four eggs. Have stolen them from her, with apologies. I hope Pearl has the technology to cook them. Have also picked a bonnetful of dandelion greens. It’s all I could find. Have to meet Lily at the window in five. Must run.

  Later

  Pearl thanked me many times for the provisions, and apologized for not offering me any money earlier. Am slapping my forehead. Should have thought to ask Lily about that.

  Opal boiled our eggs in the teapot and served them sliced atop a bed of wilted greens. It was very tasty, as appetizers go. We are all still hungry. I offered to make another run, but it’s getting dark, the stores are closed, and Boris’ men have returned to their posts. We had to fill up on tea, and are now off to bed on semi-empty bellies. More later.