by Kait Rose
“I… I need you here.” I could tell she was drunk by the way she slurred and I knew tonight was going to be a long night.
“I can’t tonight.” I said, hoping she would take that as an answer and hang up, but Natalie never takes no as an answer.
“Ezra, if you don't want me to be the next one your burying, you better get over here now.” Her voice went from soft and drunk to angry and demanding in a snap of her finger. Sadly, I knew she was psychotic enough to kill herself to make a point.
“Ok, I’m coming.” I said defeated. As soon as she heard the words leave my mouth she hung up. I threw my phone out of anger that I gave in once again and ended up shattering it. Fuck.
On my drive over to her house, my anxiety was at an all time high because these visits never went well. They always ended with us fighting and her throwing empty liquor bottles at my head. By the time I got to her house, it was already eight at night and I knew she was probably deeper in the bottle than when she called.
I got out of my truck and headed up her steps to her front door, but paused with my hand on the door knob. Her words always put me back in a dark place and I prayed right there that I had enough strength to fight through it. When I walked in there was glass shattered across the floor, pictures laying all over the ground, and Natalie sitting in a chair facing me with mascara running down her face
I started to pick up the pictures that littered the floor and said, “Why the melt down now?” I had enough on my plate rather than having to worry over my mother’s dramatics.
“You know what today is?” She said while tapping her nails on the arm of her chair.
“Friday?” She didn’t like my answer because the next thing I knew she was throwing a bottle of champagne at my head. I was able to dodge it, but the vase of flowers behind me weren’t so lucky.
“Today is the day your father killed himself, you self absorbed piece of shit. You should be here consoling me instead of running around with that whore you have been spending time with.” At the mention of her calling Stella a whore my blood began to boil. I needed to try to stay calm because I knew all too well how bad an episode can get for me and everyone around me.
“I have a lot to deal with than worry about a fifty year old who only cares about money, Botox, and her liquor. Call her a whore again and see how much I cut you off, Natalie.” That was the one thing that really set Natalie off was when my dad left all his possessions and money to me. He knew my mother only cared about herself.
She stormed over to me and slapped me across the face. “I am your mother, show some respect!”
“Then act like one!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.
“I knew as soon as I heard you were living with that girl, you were going to change. She probably wants to kill me off so she can have all the money.” She started to cry in hysterics while I took a deep breath and counted to ten to calm down.
“Stella has no idea I have money first off. Second, you never care about the day dad killed himself so why the melt down all of a sudden.”
“I’m out of money.” I look around at her expensive furnishings, bottles and bottles of expensive liquor, and her designer clothes.
“Well start selling, stop drinking, and get a job.” I was done handing her money so she can blow it all away. I swear I had to at least give her $250,000 and I was finally done.
“I wonder if the girl knows you tried to kill your ex girlfriend and ex best friend.” She said while giving me a wicked smile.
“You know that’s not true.” I knew I fucked up by hitting their car with my truck, but I never wanted to hurt them. The community hours and jobs I worked to pay for the damage never made the guilt go away, so for her to throw it back in my face was a low blow. I needed to get away now before I lost it.
“It may be, but when she hears the story she will realize how mentally unstable you are. I bet any money you never even told her about your disorder.”
“Fuck you.” I went to walk out the door, but my mother had one last thing to say.
“You already let your father down, I’ll see you tomorrow with a check for $150,000 and then I never want to see your face again.” She slammed the door and I refused to look back at that vile woman. I prayed for so long that she would step up and be a mother, but I guess some just don’t have it in them.
I couldn’t go back home with how I was feeling. I wanted to destroy everything in my path like a tornado. I knew I was going to be seeing her soon because I refused to give her any more of my dad’s money. God help me if she knew I also got an inheritance from her father. In total I have $540,000 in my savings. No one knows because I refuse to touch it besides giving Natalie money. My dad and grandpa were hard workers and I never wanted to be a trust fund baby where I blew it on shiny things, so I’ve been saving it for my future.
I drove back to town and stopped at Gryff’s for a beer. I needed something to get the edge off. “I’m guessing that girl still has you going crazy.” The bartender said through a smile. She was the same girl who was here the last time I was here with Stella.
With my mother’s craziness and everything with Stella, I couldn’t believe I forgot today was the day I found my dad dead in his bed. I tried my hardest to forget seeing his lifeless body lying there next to an empty bottle of pills and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. My mother always blamed me because my dad went downhill when I was also diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder. Instead of trying to relate together, he drew further away from me and everyone else until the day he finally killed himself.
The bartender was looking at me confused while I just sat there silent. “Sorry and no, for once things are going great with her. My mother is another story.”
She poured me a shot of rum and said, “I hear you on that. Mine likes to remind me of how much of a failure I am on a daily basis.”
“Mine likes to blame me for my dad’s death.” I said while staring down at my shot glass.
She poured herself one and held it up in the air and said, “Here’s a fuck you to our mother’s.” We clinked glasses and downed our shots.
“Laura.” She held her hand out to shake mine.
“Ezra.”
“Well Ezra seemed like you had a pretty fucked up night and my girlfriend decided to dump me after giving her everything she wanted for five years. How about we go to the alley to forget?” I was buzzed, but I would never be that drunk to cheat on Stella. When I gave her a look of horror, she started to laugh and slapped the bar.
“I didn’t mean to go fuck, I’m a lesbian. I should have been clearer of what I meant. I have a huge blunt rolled, do you want to go smoke?”
I laughed with her and said,“Fuck yeah, lead the way.”
We sat in the alley next to each other while we puffed and passed back and forth. When I was younger I learned to use books to escape my reality and as much as I still love to read, weed has gotten me through some hard times. All the medicine they put me on, it never made me calm as much as weed did. Just a few puffs and my worries were miles away. It just sucked when the high was gone and the worries finally caught back up.
We sat here in silence until I finally blurted out, “My life is a mess and I can really use some good advice if you have time.” The rum and the weed took the edge off like I wanted it too and I finally felt able to talk about what is really bothering me.
She blew the smoke out of her mouth and said, “Shoot buddy.”
“How do you live when you’re in a constant battle inside your head? Everyday I’m fighting my thoughts that have me feeling like I’m drowning on the inside. I’m exhausted trying to give everyone the guy they love, while inside I feel like I’m suffocating from the weight of it all.”
“Be you. The ones who love you will stand behind you.” She said certain of her words.
“Don’t you mean besides you?” I’m pretty sure that is how that old saying goes.
“Nope. They stand behind you to have your back when you feel like you are going to fa
ll.”
“What happens when I finally tell my friends that I have a bi polar disorder and they think I’m a mental mess?” I couldn’t keep this part of me a secret any longer and it felt good finally telling someone.
“You can’t judge what people will think of you if you don’t give them the chance.”
“I’m afraid they will all leave me eventually or I’ll push them away.”
“What happens if they stay?”
“I hope they do.” I really do.
“Is this why you are loving that little blonde from far away?”
“How do you know I love Stella?” I asked while we stood up from the wall.
“You are willing to stay away because you think you are saving her.” She said like she knew all too well.
“She deserves the world and more without my problems.” I took one last hit of the blunt and gave it back to her.
“So do you. If she loves you then she won’t see it as a problem.” With that being said, Laura opened the door and we headed inside.
“Thank you for tonight. It feels good finally talking about it.”
“Anytime. Let me grab you a cab.”
“I live about a fifteen minute drive from here, do you want to share one?” I asked because for how much she smoked, I didn’t want her driving.
“Sure let me lock up.”
Once she locked everything up, we waited out by the curb for our cab. The rum and weed was catching up to me and I was ready to pass out in my bed. “What time is it?”
“Three.” How the fuck did I forget about meeting Stella? Once again my mind let me down and I had no idea what I was going to say to her.
“I’m fucked.” I said hanging my head low. “I was supposed to meet Stella for our date.”
Laura made a whistling noise and patted my back while saying, “Nice knowing you.”
Chapter Twenty
Ezra
The fifteen minute drive felt like hours with how much I worried that I hurt Stella. She had to be waiting for me at the restaurant forever and god knows how many times she tried calling me.
When we finally pulled up to my house I was more than ready to go inside and get Stella to forgive me. I was already half way up the sidewalk when I heard Laura get out of the car and call my name, “Hey Ezra?”
“Yeah?” I said while turning to face her.
“People with disorders and disabilities are worthy of love too.” She tapped the top of the cab and slid back in while I waved goodbye. Her words meant a lot to me and I will never forget them.
As soon as I got in the door, I was greeted with a very upset Stella. “Who is she?” Her voice broke. She must have seen Laura when she got out of the cab.
“Baby no, don’t go there at all. Laura is the bartender from Gryff’s.” I felt the room starting to spin which was not the best time. I propped myself against the wall which made Stella even angrier.
“So you’re telling me you ditched me to go get drunk and from the smell of it high with the bartender at Gryff’s. I’m guessing you tried to bring her home but then realized I live here.”
“You really think that low of me?” If she is judging me before hearing my side then how is she going to see me when she finds out the truth about me?
“I don’t know what to think of you anymore. I always thought you were this sweet and kind, but anymore I just see a lying jerk who is a constant rollercoaster, it’s exhausting.” I remember the day my mother told my father he was exhausting. I remember feeling sad for him that she would make him feel like such a burden.
Before I could even say anything, she ran to her room and slammed the door on me. I felt like she was closing the door on us and the hurt I felt rushing in was too overwhelming. With Natalie, memories of my dad, and now this I didn’t know how to react. What I did know was I couldn’t deal with it any longer. I went to my room and let all the anger and hurt I’ve been burying inside since my last episode finally out.
I locked my bedroom door and the first object I threw was a picture of my family. It shattered the glass with cracks covering the picture. It felt therapeutic because that was how my family should be seen. We weren’t this happy family like in the picture, but we were broken inside like shattered glass where pieces were chipped and lost.
After breaking the picture, I blacked out while smashing everything and anything. I could hear my roommates banging on the other side of the door, begging me to let them in. I on the other hand couldn’t stop until I punched my mirror and sliced my arm deeply. I couldn’t lie the pain felt good and I was finally able to stop.
I sunk down to the ground while breathing heavy. The sounds of my roommates sounded further and further away and my breathing was finally starting to slow down. Before I knew it my eyelids were closing and I soon escaped my pain.
Chapter Twenty One
Stella
“Ezra let me the fuck in.” Jude pounded on the door frantically.
After seeing Ezra with another girl after ditching me, I finally reached my level of enough. I honestly knew in my heart there was a reasonable explanation, but I was too mad to hear it. I figured if anything we would talk in the morning when he was sober, but right now by the sounds coming from Ezra’s room I was afraid there wouldn’t be a tomorrow.
“What’s going on?” Knox rushed down from the attic. He paused to listen to the smashing and screams coming from Ezra’s room. His eyes went wide while his skin went pale as a ghost at the sounds. “Break the door down!”
We could all tell Knox was scared so without questioning it, Jude backed up and kicked the door down. We all rushed into his room to find him passed out in a pool of blood. “Oh my God!” I screamed.
“Jude help me carry him to my truck.” Knox ordered and Jude listened. The boys went to Knox’s car while me and Madison hurried to my car to meet them at the hospital. As soon as the doors shut I said, “Holy shit.” I had no idea what to think, but I needed to get to the hospital quickly.
I was speeding down the highway, but I started going to the speed limit when I realized there was technically a baby on board. I looked over to see Madison and she had tears in her eyes. “What are you thinking?” I asked her.
“I knew he was sad, but I didn’t know it was that bad. If I knew he would hurt himself, I would have told you guys.” She said softly.
“What do you mean he’s sad and why didn’t you ever mention this to me?” Ezra was one of the most upbeat guys I know besides when he was being a moody jerk to me.
“Just because he lets you see one side of him, doesn’t mean there isn’t another side too.”
“Yeah you should know all about that.” I snapped.
“I deserve that for keeping secrets from you, but it’s not like I know the real reason why he’s sad. Instead of only focusing on thinking you were the reason he was pulling away, you weren’t paying attention to him. He was pulling away because he felt he wasn’t good enough for you.”
“That’s ridiculous. I put myself out there countless times and all he ever did was give me excuses and walk away.” I shook my head at her theory.
“Stella when someone like you who is pure and good, others with a dark past don’t want to taint that. Why do you think I never told you my past?” I felt bad that our conversation was bringing her past back to her. Madison went through hell and back while most wouldn't even survive the fall down there.
“I’m sorry. I understand where you guys are coming from, but I want to be there for you all no matter what.”
“Then be there for him and hear him. Don’t just listen, but put yourself in his shoes and try to understand. He has a story and there are reasons he never showed us the pages.”
I nodded my head agreeing while I pulled into a parking spot in the hospital’s garage. We both ran to the emergency entrance where an angry Knox and Jude were waiting at the desk. “What’s going on?”
“Nurse, I hate us over here, doesn’t believe we’re his brothers so she won’t give
us any information or let us see him.” Knox said fuming
“Do you think I don’t remember you all the last time you were here? Family only.” The nurse said with a pointed look towards Knox.
“We are more his family than his mother. Just because we’re not blood, doesn’t mean we aren’t family.” Jude said in a nicer tone than Knox, but you can tell he was just as pissed.
I needed to go back there with him so he wasn’t alone, so I slipped my ring from my right hand and put it on my left ring finger. I squeezed in between both Jude and Knox and laid my hand in front of the nurse. “Ma’am I’m sorry about these two, but I’m his wife. Can I please go see him?”
“Awh I remember the two of you in the waiting room. Of course, let me go ask the doctor if you can.” She gave me a smile, but pointed to her eyes and then back at Knox and Jude while saying, “I have my eyes on you two.” They both scoffed, but went to sit down.
Within a minute she was back and said to me, “The doctor would like to see you first. Come, follow me.” I nodded my head and followed her down the hallway where a doctor waited outside his room.
“Hi Mrs. Banks, I’m Doctor Stanton. I need to ask you a few questions.”
“Hello and ok.” My nerves were at an all time high because I didn’t know I was going to have to meet the doctor to talk.
“With his past attempted suicide listed in his medical history, I need to know if this was an accident or if he was trying to harm himself?” I felt like I must have misunderstood him. There is no way he can be talking about Ezra. With what Madison said and now this, I was so confused as to why I never saw this coming.
“No, he had a few to drink and fell.” I really hope I made the right choice to lie. To be honest with what everyone was saying, I had no clue if he did try to or not.
“Are you positive? There are slices all over his fingers and a deep cut on his arm.”
“I’m a hundred percent positive. I saw him fall with my own eyes.” The lie sat deeply with me and I prayed I wasn’t making a big mistake.
