by Kait Rose
“Ok, one more question. Has he expressed or showed any signs of suicidal thoughts?” He’s definitely been moody lately, but I couldn’t let myself think he was that lost in the darkness.
“No. Now can I please see him?”
“Of course. We already stitched him up and gave him an IV since he was intoxicated, but please tell your husband he shouldn’t be mixing his medication with alcohol.”
My eyebrows scrunched together while I felt even more confused. “Medication?”
He looked at me like I should know but he still said, “For his bi-polar disorder.”
So many different pieces are coming together finally. It explained the mood shifts I saw him go into. I nodded my head like I knew and said, “Oh yes, I’ll make sure this doesn’t happen again.” The doctor smiled and nodded his head before walking down the hall.
I took a deep breath and walked into the room to see Ezra propped up in his bed, looking out the window. I came over to sit in the visitor chair and I laid my hand on top of his.
“You know.” His voice went flat with disbelief.
“Know what?”
“Don’t play dumb, it doesn’t suit you.” He turned his face to stare at me with eyes that dared me to say it.
“Is it true? Did you try to, you know?” I couldn’t find my voice to ask him, which just made him angry.
“Kill myself, hurt myself, or both.”
“Both.”
“Is it really killing yourself if you already feel dead?” It was heartbreaking to hear someone who had so much life ahead of him speak like that.
“How can you say that?”
He shook his head and looked up to the ceiling, “I can’t keep going on like this.” He said all choked up.
“Please tell me what is going on.”
“Back at the house, I had another episode. I didn’t purposely hurt myself, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel good. Fuck, if I just ignored Natalie’s call I wouldn’t be here.” He said softly.
“The girl who dropped you off?” I completely forgot about the woman he was with, but that was the last thing I wanted to talk about.
“No, Natalie is my mother.”
“You call your mom by her first name?”
“I started calling her by her name the day she stopped being a mother.” He said, disgusted.
He bit his lip nervously but continued to say,“As you now know I was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder like my dad. I was just a sophomore excited to pick up my girlfriend at the time, but long story short my best friend was at her house instead. She didn’t want to go in a rusty pick up truck to school.” I remembered months ago when I called it a piece of junk and I wish more than ever I could take it back. He continued on to tell me, “When I found out they were seeing each other behind my back, I was so pissed because he was my best friend since we were babies. One minute I’m ready to back up my truck and leave and the next I am driving it right into his Corvette. I was arrested and placed in psychiatric hold until my dad came to get me. The doctors told us I was bi-polar also and how it isn’t surprising because it can be passed down.
I remember being so angry with my dad. I blamed him for me being this mental freak. I lost all my friends, my mother fell further into the bottle, and the one man who can relate to me decided to take the easy way out and kill himself.
So with my dad dead and me being so alone, I couldn’t eat or sleep. When Natalie came home from one of her girl’s trips that lasted usually a month, I lost thirty pounds and she was convinced I was trying to kill myself too. She sent me to a psychiatric hospital to be observed which is why my chart said attempted suicide. While I was laying in the hospital, she was out partying all summer. The only reason she finally checked me out of there was so I didn’t miss school or she would have to deal with me longer. She even sent me to live with my grandfather in Bellingham.”
“I am so sorry Ezra. I would have never guessed, you are usually so happy besides these last few months I noticed you have been a little off.”
“Sometimes it’s easier to pretend to be happy instead of showing everyone what you are really feeling.”
“Madison said the same thing to me. You know you never have to pretend with me, right?”
“I would never want to put you through what I deal with. There have been days where I just want to end it all, but being afraid of death has stopped me. What happens though when the day comes when I’m not afraid anymore?”
“Then I’ll be here to bring you back. I love you Ezra.”
“Stella don’t say that.”
“I’m done with not saying how I feel. I love you Ezra, so please don’t ask me to take it back.”
“I told you not to fall in love with me.” He looked at me in pain like I was the one breaking his heart.
I couldn’t help the tears that spilled out of my eyes while I said, “How can I not?”
“Easy, you fall in love with the man who makes your days brighter and not the hopeless who will bring you into the darkness.”
“I would have sat in the darkness with you.”
“I love you too much to ask you too. You are going to find that guy who will be your once in a lifetime love that would put all your romance books to shame. You will have the happily ever after that you deserve.”
“And what happens to you? What kind of ending will you have?”
“When I’m old in age, I’ll be sitting alone thinking of you. I’ll smile at our good memories, laugh at our crazy times, and regret this day that I told you to walk away. Then I will convince myself I did the right thing because you ended up happy in love and that will bring me peace.” He held my face while tears streamed down both of ours.
“The problem with this is you are my once in a lifetime love. When I’m sitting with my grandchildren I will be telling them stories about you and how I regretted the day I listened to you. So I’m sorry, but no I won’t walk away. I will keep fighting for us every day because you are worth it. Let me be the light that guides you out of the darkness. Let me be there when you are having your best days and even your worst. Let me love you.”
He looked destroyed when he said, “Right there Stella, you want children and grandchildren that I can’t give you.”
“And why not?”
He looked down at the ground like he was embarrassed when he said, “Our children have a chance of this disorder being passed onto them. I don’t want them to ever feel like being dead is better than being alive.”
“Then we show them how much better life can be. We show them how having this disorder makes them stronger, not weaker. We show them love through us and for them. We be there for them, just like I am always going to be there for you.”
“You’re not going to let me do the right thing and walk away are you?” He said with a small smile.
“Nope. Love is worth fighting for and I have a lot left in me.” I said while smiling back at him.
“God you crazy stubborn girl.” With those words said, he pulled me towards him and kissed me. I felt the worries and stress of his secrets go away the more we got lost in each other.
I pulled away because I finally had to ask, “What happened tonight and who was the girl?”
“Natalie called asking for more money from my trust fund and reminded me that today was the day my dad killed himself and how it was my fault. I went to the bar to have a drink before meeting you, but I had a little too many.”
“Did you cheat on me?” I knew we weren’t technically dating, but I figured we were only seeing each other.
“No Laura is the bartender at Gryff’s who got dumped by her girlfriend tonight.”
“Oh.” I said a little more cheery knowing she wasn’t interested in Ezra.
“Yes oh. Now can I ask you something?”
“Of course.” I was a little nervous about what he wanted to ask.
“Will you still treat me like you did before knowing all of this?” He gave me hopeful eyes and even though
this was a lot tonight, it doesn’t change how I feel about him.
“Of course, nothing can ever change how I feel about you.” I climbed in his bed with him and just laid my head on his chest while we held each other.
One of the things I learned tonight is love is never easy, but a work in progress. There will be good days filled with laughter and smiles and there will be bad days filled with tears and pain. How your bond grows and comes together at the end of the day is what makes love worth it. Ezra Banks is worth it.
Chapter Twenty Two
Ezra
All this time I worried about losing Stella when I should have just been honest with her from the beginning. I couldn’t believe she still wanted to stay with me after learning everything about me. I knew when I got out though, I needed to find a way to control my episodes because I never want to put her through this again.
“Knock, knock.” Knox said while knocking on my door. Behind him stood Jude, Madison, and Rem all waiting to come in. I waved them in and they all came in surrounding my bed with worried expressions.
“I didn’t try hurting myself tonight. I have a bi-polar disorder and tonight was the anniversary of my dad’s suicide. I’m really sorry.” It felt good to finally be honest instead of trying to find an excuse.
Knox was the first to speak, “I’m such a terrible friend. I knew you told me this back in high school, but you always seemed so happy and I forgot.”
“Knox you are my best friend. I faked happy a lot of times so you would forget. I never wanted you guys to worry about me, so it was easier to hide my bad days behind getting drunk and high. I’m the terrible friend for thinking you all would run once you found out.”
“Ezra we all have our pasts and problems, but we would never leave you because of something you can’t even help.” Jude said with a concerned look on his face. He squeezed Madison’s hand to comfort her because those two could relate.
“I’m sorry too. I knew something was going on and I should have tried talking to you about it.” Madison said upset.
Rem was the next to speak. “Me too man. Usually I pick up on this stuff, but my head is just all over the place lately.”
“You all don’t have to apologize and I promise back there I didn’t mean to hurt myself. I punched my mirror and ended up going right through it.”
They all looked at each other and Knox was the one to say,“We believe you, but please talk to one of us or even all of us if you feel like this again.” My friends all nodded their heads in unison to show they felt the same way.
“I will. Hiding it wasn’t helping myself get better and I’m ready to start getting better.”
Stella kissed me on the cheek and said, “Good.” My eyes went wide while looking at Knox in which he just laughed a little.
“I meant it when I said I was ok with you two together. Honestly man you are probably the only one who would be able to put up with her anyways.” Everyone started to laugh, but Stella.
“Asshole.” She muttered under her breath, but she smiled a little and you can tell she was fighting not to laugh.
“When are they letting you out of here?” Rem asked.
“A few hours.” I wish I could leave now, but I have to finish this IV and get my discharge papers.
“Why don’t you guys go get some sleep and I’ll take him home.” Stella told everyone.
“Sounds good to me, I’m beat.” Jude agreed and everyone came to give me a hug and leave, but Madison slipped something in my hand.
When I opened my hand it was a folded up piece of paper. I looked up at Madison and she said, “Dr.Fully got me through a lot of bad times. His number is written on that note, I think you should call him.”
“I definitely will, thank you.” Madison kissed my cheek and hugged Stella before running off to Jude.
“She’s going to be a good mom.” I said to Stella who smiled agreeing with me.
“She’s pregnant?” Knox said with his mouth wide open. Fucking shit, I screamed in my head.
“Knox she just found out, I’m sure they were going to sit you down and tell you.” Stella said worriedly.
Knox frowned, but he tried to stay positive. “I’m happy for them. I got to get some sleep, I’ll see you guys later.” He headed out the room without looking back.
“Maybe I should just stay here because once Jude finds out I slipped, he’ll be putting me right back here.” I joked but Stella didn’t find it that funny.
“They won’t be mad, but I’m worried about Knox. I really think he thinks he was in love with Madison.” Stella was worried and she wasn’t alone. We were all consumed in our own problems that I don’t think anyone checked on how Knox was doing.
“Once he meets his girl, he’ll know the difference in what love actually feels like. I definitely can tell.” Stella squeezed my hand and said back, “I feel the same way too.” She rested her head on my chest and I held her until it was time I could leave.
When we finally got home around eight am and I was more than ready to get in my bed and cuddle with my girl. I grabbed her hand and led her to my room, but my hand froze on the doorknob realizing my room is completely trashed.
“What’s wrong?” Stella said through a yawn.
“I’m pretty sure it looks like an earthquake went off.” I was not looking forward to the day of cleaning I had ahead of me.
“Everyone cleaned it up for you.” As soon as the words left her mouth, I opened the door immediately.
My mouth dropped open at the sight of my room absolutely spotless. Gone was everything I destroyed, even the mirror. You would never know what happened in this room hours before by how spotless it is. I couldn’t help choking up but I managed to say, “I can't believe they did this for me especially in the middle of the night.”
Stella squeezed my hand and guided me to the bed while saying, “I can because we all care about you.” I smiled feeling comforted that I didn’t lose any of them because friends like these were rare to find.
Chapter Twenty Three
Stella
I closed my eyes trying to fall asleep, but I couldn’t turn my head off. From being ditched, what happened in Ezra’s room, finding out what he was hiding, and then him finally revealing his true feelings for me, my emotions were everywhere. I felt sad that Ezra has been hiding how he is bi-polar in fear that we would all want to run away.
I wanted to know more about it and I knew I wasn’t going to fall asleep until I looked it up. I snuck out of his bed quietly and made my way back to my room to grab my laptop. I opened up my search bar and typed in bi-polar disorder. I always thought it was when someone goes from angry to happy in a blink of an eye, but there was so much more to it.
You can go through manic or depression episodes that could last as long as a month. With that comes the risks of self-harm and suicide. My heart sunk at the fact how hard Ezra had been trying to hide this from all of us. I searched next for stories about family members who have a loved one who is bi-polar. They mentioned the best way to be there is educating yourself, understanding, and supporting which I plan on doing it all because I never want Ezra to feel alone in this.
After reading stories about how some eventually turned to suicide to escape their pain, it hurt me deeply to know Ezra has thought about this. What scares me even worse is that his dad actually went through with it. A few tears dropped on my keyboard and suddenly a hand was on my shoulder. “Ahh!” I jumped while slamming my laptop close.
“Ssh, it’s just me.” Ezra said while pulling me into a hug.
“I’m sorry, you just scared me.”
“What are you doing up?” Shit. I didn’t want him to know I was researching his condition, but I want to understand him better.
I decided honesty was better than lying. “I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to educate myself on what a bi-polar disorder was so I can be there for you.” He didn’t seem mad while he still held me.
“You are sweet, but don’t fill your head with worries
about me. I only had a few bad episodes in the last five years, that’s better than most.”
I nodded my head and squeezed him a little tighter. I couldn’t stop worrying about what happens if one day he gets so bad and he ends up killing himself. “What did you read that has you upset?” He asked with a tinge of sadness in his voice.
“I don’t ever want you to feel so bad to the point you commit suicide.” I barely could say the word, but suicide is real and it happens.
“Stella, look at me.” I unburied my face from his chest and looked up at him while he continued to say, “I know it’s terrifying to think about, but I promise you I won’t ever let myself fall that deep. After my dad killed himself and the pain I still feel today from it, I would never put you through that. Please tell me you believe me.”
“Ok I believe you.” As much as I still felt worried, I knew I needed to trust his word, but there was something I needed him to promise me back too. “Promise me if you do fall, you’ll come talk to me right away.”
“I promise baby.” Ezra went to just give me a kiss, but I needed more and I wanted everything.
As soon as his lips were on mine, I pulled him closer and showed him how much I needed him. He must have felt the same way too because the next thing I know are clothes are being ripped off each other and next we were a tangle of limbs. Instead of going slow, the need to feel each other was urgent. The fact that we can finally love each other without all the secrets made this time one I would never forget.
Ezra held my arms above my head while he buried himself deep inside me. As soon as he went to pull himself out, I surprised him by wrapping my legs around him and pulling him down again. He gave me one of his memorizing smiles back before he put my nipple in his mouth. The way he swirled his tongue then bit it had me meeting every move of his frantically. My fingers were clawing his back for dear life while the waves were starting to build.
“I’m so close.” I was barely able to say those three words between my moans and cries for Ezra to go harder.
