by Kait Rose
“Fuck baby!” He flipped us over so I was on my hands and knees with my ass up in the air. The moment he slapped my ass and slammed in me, I was done for. The waves came crashing through, threatening to take me under. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t even see. My body felt tremors and my eyes literally saw stars. Ezra wasn’t far behind me because with one more slam inside my core, he let out a final moan that I’m sure someone from across the country could hear.
He rolled us on our side and held me close to his body while we faced face to face. “You’re absolutely perfect.” He whispered while his fingers rubbed my back.
I felt my cheeks redden while the words fell effortlessly from my mouth, “I love you.”
“I love you more.” He said without any hesitation.
Hearing Ezra tell me he loves me could never get old. The feelings he gives me is nothing I ever felt before. Our love was crazy, but I would take crazy over ordinary any day if it meant falling asleep in his arms and waking up to his smile.
Chapter Twenty Four
Ezra
I know I said it before but Stella Ryan is going to be the death of me. I have had sex with other girls, but none of those times could compare to when I am with Stella. It wasn’t just one night of meaningless sex, but a night where two people showed how much they love each other through their bodies. It was wild, frantic, and exploding with all the emotions we were both feeling.
We both fell asleep in her bed while I held her close to me. I honestly wish I could go back in time and kick my ass for how foolish I was to think Stella would run away from me when she found out I was lying the whole entire time by keeping how I am bi-polar a secret. Honestly, the biggest worry of mine was her thinking I was a fraud, but I should have known Stella would have never judged me.
After I was able to calm my mind I finally fell asleep, but I was plagued with a nightmare I will never forget. It started with me pulling up to my family’s old house, but instead of it screaming money it looked like it was abandoned for fifty years. The windows were boarded up, the porch falling apart, and cobwebs covering every corner. With how the house looked with dark clouds in the background it screamed creepy.
My dream self didn’t take it as a warning because the next thing I know I was walking inside. The floor was covered in smashed and torn pictures of my family while a record player was playing music you would hear in a horror movie in the background. I had no idea what I was looking for, but something was pulling me towards my father’s bedroom.
When I was able to get up the broken run down steps, my mother was sitting outside his room with a bottle of whiskey just like I found him with. I asked my mother, “What are you doing?”
She gave me a sinister laugh and said, “Celebrating of course. You father has been nothing but a waste of time. I’m happy he finally took my advice.” She gave me a smile and disappeared down the steps.
I knew what she meant and what was waiting for me on the opposite side of the door. My hand paused on the door knob and I tried to tell my dream self not to open the door, but he refused to listen to me. As soon as the door swung open I was greeted with the same image six years ago, my dad laying in his bed next to an empty pill container and a bottle of whiskey. The only thing missing was the letter with my name on it.
I couldn’t stop my feet moving forward if I tried. He looked exactly the same when I found him. Cold to the touch and lips starting to turn blue. The coroner told me he was dead for a few hours. The guilt of what the last thing I said to him came rushing back to me and I was ready to get out, but all of sudden my dad sat up and grabbed my hand. I was frozen in shock especially when he said, “Read the letter.” Right after the words left his mouth, he was back to lying in his bed dead while I woke up barely able to breath with sweat dripping down my forehead.
“Ezra?” Stella asked while she rubbed my back.
It took a few minutes to catch my breath before I could speak, but Stella stood patient with me with encouraging words that it was just a dream, but was it? It honestly felt like my dad was reaching out to deliver me that message to read the letter he left me. I can’t explain it, but the dream felt real unlike any other dreams.
“You know how I told you my dad committed suicide?” I asked Stella when I was finally able to talk. She squeezed my hand while nodding her head that she did. “I never told you I was the one to find him. He was just laying there in his bed cold with lips turning blue. The coroner told me he was dead for a few hours and the guilt of what I said to him right before he died has stayed buried inside since. I never told anyone, not even my mother, but I need to tell you.” The guilt was overwhelming and I felt my body starting to shake from it.
“It’s ok Ezra, you can tell me.” Stella said softly while wrapping her arms around me. Just her touch gave me the strength to continue to tell her the rest.
“My episodes used to come on quicker and more frequently in my teen years. I was so angry that my life was falling apart. I went from being one of the popular guys with friends surrounding me to having no one. My mother was always going on her girl’s trips and even when she was home we were all invisible to her.
The day my dad killed himself, I was losing it that morning. My life was hell at school, my grandfather’s truck sat destroyed in the garage, and the one man who can relate to me stayed away locked in his room. I decided I had enough of feeling alone and I went in his room to give him a piece of my mind. I blamed him for passing this on to me, for giving me a mother who can care less if I was alive, and for him being weak. He didn’t say anything back which made me angrier. I remember taking his prize possession, a snow globe his mother gave him and smashed it by throwing it against the wall. He didn’t even blink and that is when I told him I wish he wasn’t my dad and I had a normal one who actually cared about me. I stormed out of his room in a rage. When I was finally able to calm down, the guilt of what I just did laid heavily on my chest. I headed back to his room to see if I could repair the snowglobe and apologize for what I said to him, but I was too late.”
Stella had tears in her eyes while she said, “Ezra, what you said and did had nothing to do with your dad killing himself. You said the coroner said he was dead for a few hours then the letter was written well before you came to his room upset. Honestly, I think he took the pills before and that’s why he didn’t say anything back.”
“I thought the same thing too, but I just don’t know.” Even if it is true and he was high out of his mind right before he died, it doesn’t change the words that I said or for breaking something he treasured so much.
“Read the letter.” Stella was right and maybe it was finally time to do so, so I can start to move forward.
“Will you sit by me while I do?” I asked Stella in hopes she will say yes.
“Of course.”
“Ok I’ll be right back.” I headed towards my room to grab his letter from my nightstand. When I opened the bottom drawer it laid there all by itself. The envelope was worn with my name scribbled across the front in my dad’s handwriting. Just picking it up gave my skin goosebumps.
I must have sat here for a while staring at it because Stella eventually came to me. She knocked on my door before coming in and said, “Hey, you ok?” I nodded my head and waved her in.
“I’m sorry, just a lot is going through my head. This is the last thing my dad ever gave me and what happens when I read it there is something I wish I never read like how he blames me for him killing himself.”
Stella rested her hand on my thigh while saying, “I highly doubt any parent would write a final letter blaming their only son of their death. I don’t want to push you, but wouldn’t you rather find out than think of all the possible bad scenarios that can come from this. Maybe he wrote something that will bring you closure instead.”
Stella was right and I decided to take the jump and open the letter…
Dear Son,
While I sit in front of this blank piece of paper, I have so much to say but I can’t find the
words to make this any easier. I should start off with how sorry I am to leave you. Knowing you’ll read this after I’m gone is a painful last thought of mine, but know nothing you did or could have done would have stopped me. I’ve been battling this war in my head for too long and I am exhausted, Ezra.
A little last piece advice I want to give you is don’t let this control your life like I let it. Have friends, go out, and fall madly in love. If your friends don’t understand then maybe they aren’t your friends to begin with. The girl that falls in love with you will understand. She’ll be your smile when you need a little happiness, your ears when you need someone to listen, your shoulder when you need to cry, and your heart when you need to feel love. When you find her, don’t let her go.
I pray one day you will forgive me. I wish I was stronger, but more importantly stronger to stay for you. I may not be here in your present, but know I will always be watching down at you while being proud of the man you will become.
I love you Ezra and always will.
-Dad
I stared at his letter while Stella sniffled beside me.“I was angry at my dad for so long for not staying strong and staying for me, but after reading his words I understand.”
“To me it seems like he held on longer because of you.” Stella said while squeezing my hand.
“I like to think so too.” I folded the letter back up and stuffed it into my pocket.
“Food?” Stella knew a way to my heart was food and I was starving since it was already four o’clock.
“Did I ever tell you how much I love you?” I asked while picking her up from my bed.
Stella tapped her finger to her chin like she was thinking heavily before saying, “Yeah I think so, but you can remind me again.” I started to kiss her which quickly led into round two. I couldn’t get enough of her and I never wanted to stop.
Chapter Twenty Five
Stella
After the long night and day we had, Ezra was fast asleep. I hope this time he had no nightmares because it seemed the only time he could shut his mind off was when he was fast asleep. Something I wish I could do right now.
Everything from this past year was playing in my mind like a highlight reel. There were so many ups, but there were also a lot of downs. I found comfort knowing any more downs that come our way, we will be facing them together and not alone.
At the sound of my stomach growling, I knew I wasn’t getting any sleep until I put some food in me. It was nighttime and the hallways were pitch black that I didn’t realize someone was standing in the hallway. As soon as I walked into their back, I went to scream but they put their hand over my mouth. My heart was racing and I was ready to fight back until I heard Jude.
“Shh, it’s me Jude.” He whispered in my ear while he let me go.
I felt the panic instantly disappear while I whispered yelled back at him, “What are you doing standing here in the dark?”
“Madison and Knox are talking and I want to make sure he doesn’t say anything over the line.” My brother wasn’t always the best at talking especially on how he felt, so I understood where Jude was coming from and joined him.
“What are you doing?” Jude whispered yelled back at me.
“Listening. Duh.” I went back to lean near the kitchen entrance to hear a little bit better.
“If you get us caught, I’m out.” Jude said while getting back in position.
“The only way we’re getting caught is by your big mouth. Now ssshh I’m listening.” I could tell in the dark Jude was amused and we went back to trying to hear what they were saying.
Instead of Knox lashing out in jealousy, he was trying his best to be a supportive friend while listening to Madison talk about her pregnancy. His words were laced with sadness when Madison finally caught on. Right when Madison was asking if he was ok, you heard loud chips crunching. They both stopped talking while Knox motioned for Madison to stay there. Knox headed towards the pantry where the sound was coming from. As soon as Knox opened the doors and there was someone standing there we all screamed in shock. Of course it was Declan with a bag of chips.
“Shit, what the fuck are you doing?” Knox shouted while me and Jude headed into the kitchen.
“Well I was in here looking for a snack when I heard you and Madison talking. I didn’t want to ruin your heart to heart so I hid in here, but you guys kept talking and I got hungry.” Both Jude and Knox shook their heads while I went over to grab the bag of chips.
“Hey!” Declan said while trying to rip them back out of my hands. We were tugging on them back and forth when the bag ripped, spilling all the chips on the floor.
“Now children clean up your mess.” Madison scolded both of us and then turned to Jude and said while smiling, “I think I can totally do this mom thing.”
Jude laughed and kissed her on top of the head. “We got this.”
“You guys can wake the dead up.” Ezra said through a yawn while coming to embrace me in a hug.
“You got something there.” Ezra said while picking a chip out of my hair that Declan snatched out of Ezra’s hand and shoved it into his mouth.
“Really?” We all said in unison at Declan.
“What, I’m hungry.” Declan said like we were the ones being ridiculous.
“Hailey’s for midnight breakfast?” Madison suggested.
“Hell ya!” It was the most excitement I’ve seen come from Declan. We all laughed while following him out to our cars. It felt good to finally have a normal college night with late night diner food.
Chapter Twenty Six
Ezra
A week has gone by since my last episode and I was surprised how good my week has been. My roommates haven’t treated me differently and Stell and I were the best we have ever been. The times I did feel like I was going to fall, Madison caught on quickly and was able to distract me. Most of our days besides school were filled with walks, reading together, and even watching her cheesy romance movies. I wouldn’t trade a day with Stella for anything.
Today we decided to hang out with Pete, so we headed to the garage on a Saturday afternoon. When we got there, Pete and his wife were dancing in the middle of the garage. “Well don’t just stand there, join us.” Pete’s wife, Henrietta, said while he spun her in circles. I held my hand out to Stella who eagerly took it. We danced and danced and it felt like we were dancing every bad memory out of us and filling ourselves with memories worth remembering.
“You got moves Pete, I’m surprised.” I said laughing at him trying to fast dance.
“Oh hush you.” He threw a rag at me and continued to say, “What is it that kids say now, I got the moves like Jagger?”
Both me and Stella bursted into laughter with tears streaming down our faces. “Well I like to see the moves back at home.” Henrietta whispered to him, but it was still loud enough for us to hear.
“Gotta go, lock up. I definitely won’t be back.” Pete said with a smile while he looked up and down at his wife before they ran out the door.
I stood there in shock with my mouth wide open that those two still have afternoon rumps at their age. I finally snapped out of it when I heard Stella laughing up a storm. “What?” I asked her.
“Older people still have sex Ezra.” Stella said between giggles.
“I know, but it’s Pete and Heneritetta. They are like grandparents to me.” I shivered at the thought of what they just said.
“And right now your grandparents are about to get it on.” I threw the rag at Stella and hit her in the face with it. She had a playful smile on her face and went to tackle me but failed.
We were so caught up in each other that we didn’t realize we weren’t alone. First I heard her infamous fingernail tap and next her voice spewed, “Huh, you think Pete would have sold this dump already.” My mother used to be a fun and ambitious little girl from what her father told me. She would love spending her summer days here, helping her dad and Pete fix cars. My grandfather hated who she turned into, but he a
lways had hope that the little girl she used to be was still in there somewhere.
“What are you doing here?” I was having a great day and I refused to let Natalie spoil it. I reached a hand out to help Stella up from the ground. She wiped the dust off her shorts and went to shake my mother’s hand while saying, “Hi Mrs. Banks, I’m Stella.”
My mother looked down at her hand and back up to her face. Without shaking Stella’s hand back, she dismissed her and answered my question instead. “I was told by a doctor friend of mine that my son was in the hospital. I was told that your wife...” She paused to look at Stella with a nasty look on her face, but then continued to say, “took you home. I was on my way to your house until I saw your truck outside. Why didn’t you call me!” She demanded.
“Well maybe if you were a mother who actually cared about my well being instead of the next check I hand you, maybe I would have. Actually no, you would be the last person on this planet I would call.”
“You ungrateful asshole. You should be begging to get back in my good graces. And you, don’t think for a second you are going to change him. He’s damaged goods who is just going to keep chipping away at your pieces until one day you have nothing left to give. He’s not worth it.”
I went to go tell my mother where to go, but Stella put her hand on my chest to stop me. “You know Mrs. Banks, it's you who I feel sorry for. Ezra may be a complicated man, but doesn’t mean he is not worth loving. I would happily give him all of my pieces if that helps him become whole again. I hope one day you’ll realize how much he is worth it before you lose him for good.” Stella’s words would be forever etched in my soul. I never had someone who could love me this much with knowing everything about me.
“Come here, you.” Stella turned away from the garage doors and came walking over into my arms. “Did you really mean what you just said before?”
“Yes, I’m sorry for butting in, but I couldn’t just stand there and listen to her lies.”
