A Naked Singularity: A Novel

by Sergio De La Pava

  “Hey I never said I was a lawyer, at least I’m honest right? As far as my age, my understanding is you’re prevented from asking me that under the ADEA”

  “What? Read my lips Doogie, where’s Melvyn Toomberg?”

  “Oh Marvin Toomberg? The guy who was going to represent you?”

  “Melvyn.”

  “The guy who was going to represent you?”

  “Precisely.”

  “Marvin withdrew.”

  “What does that mean? Melvyn’s my friend he wouldn’t withdraw.”

  “I spoke to him by phone, I think he was in Burma or something. He said to tell you he was sorry but that he couldn’t do it after what happened with The King. Now I’ve never been a big Presley fan myself so I didn’t really pursue it further but that’s what he said, something about letters too. Have you seen him since the letters?”

  “Fuck.” I sank into my seat.

  “Hey look at that,” Quackmire said. “Above the judge between the two flags. Ha! They got to get that fixed huh? Or maybe they should leave it ha ha! Just kidding, no pun intended.”

  “Or created far as I can tell.”

  “Okay let’s get started,” said Cymbeline. “Mr. Quackmire, your appearance for the record.” Everybody introduced themselves except me and a line of witnesses sat in the front row. I stood up and interrupted.

  “I don’t want this individual to represent me,” I said. “I certainly never agreed to have him serve as my attorney and I understand he’s not even a lawyer. I’ll represent myself is the bottom line.”

  “Well I can’t permit that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Don’t play ignorant. You’re as aware as I am of the rule that the man who represents himself has a fool for a client.”

  “Okay that’s a saying not a rule. And so what?”

  “That saying has been around a lot longer than you young man and I will abide by it! Are you denying its truth?”

  “I’m pointing out that it’s merely a saying and as such represents no binding authority. A saying, like early bird gets the worm. No, worse actually, because at least that particular saying calls for a certain result, if you have a worm and you’re deciding who gets it, the saying dictates you give it to the bird that’s earliest. On the other hand, the saying you’re invoking doesn’t even call for any particular result. Where does it say a person can’t represent himself?”

  “It’s a proverb, a maxim if you will, and as such it certainly may serve as legal precedent. I will therefore uphold that statute as I took an oath to do.”

  “Now it’s a statute?”

  “Mr. Quackmire, who I have known since he was thirteen—”

  “When was that? Last year?”

  “—will continue as your representative. And you, counselor, will sit down and be quiet or I will enter a summary adverse finding against you immediately. People?”

  “Yes your honor?”

  “Call your first witness.”

  I sat down as Judge Arronaugh strode to the witness stand. Suddenly Cymbeline ducked her head behind the bench as if she’d just remembered something. When her head popped back up she was wearing one of those exaggerated white-curl wigs that actors are always wearing when they sign the Declaration of Independence or something. And now she had this extreme gavel the size of a tricycle in her hand too. “Don’t worry Casi,” Quackmire leaned over to tell me via the left side of his mouth. “We’re going insanity.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Insanity is a complete defense.”

  “Maybe so but I’m not insane.”

  “How would you know? You’re insane. That’ll be the day, when I let someone who’s criminally insane run the show.”

  The testimony itself was not that damaging although Quackmire’s crosses often bore little relation to any conceivable issue and seemed to betray an unhealthy fascination with things like favorite foods and turn-ons. Arronaugh testified that I had made several intemperate remarks during Hurtado and other court personnel testified to other alleged breaches of etiquette. Some DAs testified including McSlappahan. Cymbeline even got on the stand to testify at one point, replacing her wig and jumping back on the bench whenever a ruling was required. But basically, without Soldera, they had nothing and Cymbeline seemed surprised, often shooting glares at her nebbishy law secretary who wouldn’t meet her eyes.

  After about an hour of that, during which Quackmire fell asleep several times, Cymbeline banged the giant gavel down, adjusted her wig, stood up clearing her throat and began:

  “I find counsel’s arguments regarding his alleged insanity to be specious and delivered in bad faith. He’s as sane as all get out.” I was going to protest that Quackmire had argued that on his own but thought better of it. “Moreover there can be no doubt that the accused more than meets the legal definition of a first-class wiseass. That said I see that a Justice from the Appellate Division is in the audience so I cannot as a matter of law rule that his misconduct is so grave as to warrant the term of imprisonment sought by the People. Regrettably, I now rule that the entire matter will be resolved and dropped with an apology from the accused. Counsel is there something you’d like to tell this court? Counsel?”

  The second hearing was in the office’s seventh-floor conference room and I was late. In front of and facing a long rectangular table was a tiny stool I was urged to sit on. At the center of the table sat Debi. To her left were Troie Liszt and Father Cleary and to her right were Conley and Lee Graham looking like he might faint again. Together, as the neon sign above their heads attested, they fully comprised C.O.C.K. or the Committee to Oust Casi Kwickly. “We’re going to begin,” Debi announced. She was wearing a robe but not a judge’s robe, more like a silk one. She looked real good. I wondered how old she was. She wasn’t very wrinkly. “Would you like to make an opening statement Casi?”

  “Well I don’t know if this is properly part of my opening or not but the list of alleged offenses that I received refers to an incident with Troie as the aggrieved party.”

  “That’s correct, Mr. Liszt, what’s your point?”

  “Well only that it now appears he will be part of the body making a determination as to my guilt or innocence.”

  “Again, is there a point?”

  “Yes, the obvious one that he probably isn’t the best choice to serve as an impartial finder of fact where he is also alleging that I caused him personal harm.”

  “Well I’m sure that would be a very convenient state of affairs for you. Then maybe you could go around assaulting every individual who works in this office until there was no one left who could sit on the COCK. Is that what you’re saying?”

  “No but—”

  “Liszt stays. He’s an invaluable member of this committee and has been since its inception. Anything else?”

  “Guess not,” I said. I looked at Conley with squint but he looked away.

  “Good, then we’ll begin. Each charge will be read to you individually and you will be given an opportunity to respond. Response times will not exceed one minute and each member of COCK will have the opportunity to interject questions or comments without time limitation. In all instances, the reading of the charge will constitute full, complete, and irrefutable evidentiary proof of that charge in and of itself, meaning no further corroboration will be required. Any questions?”

  “Yes, if they’re irrefutable why should I bother to respond? In fact, why even stay here?”

  “COCK isn’t here to advise you how to run your defense Casi. And the time it took you to ask that question is coming off your first minute. Anything else?”

  “No.” Cleary wouldn’t look at me either.

  “Good. Firstly, it is alleged that the following two people have been subjected to egregious and unwarranted verbal abuse. Clarke Sealey and Solomon Grinn. Go ahead.”

  “That’s it? That’s all the specificity I get?”

  “ . . .”

  “Well?”

>   “ . . .”

  “Who’s Clarke Sealey anyway? I don’t even know.”

  “ . . .”

  “Who is that Lee? That the guy on the elevator that time?”

  “ . . .”

  “Well if it is that guy, he was like all happy that a client of mine had gotten fucked up in the arraignment pens so fuck him’s what I say. Bring him in here and I’ll say so to his dopey face. Or better yet I’ll do to him what they did to my client! Wait did I say that out loud? This isn’t going well. If I said anything offensive to him I apologize is what I meant to say. Yes I see that, twenty seconds, I know. As for Grinn. Solomon. The situation—”

  “Time!”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Strike that from the record,” she said. “That statement was made past the time limit.” I looked around but I didn’t see anybody transcribing. “Continuing,” she continued, “you forged Thomas Swathmore’s signature on a minutes order form costing this office two thousand dollars not including tax.”

  “Untrue in every meaningful respect but I needed the minutes and he wasn’t around, sorry.”

  “Moving on.”

  “Hey, I thought I get a minute.”

  “Fine, go on.”

  “Nothing further.”

  “It is further alleged that you attempted a vicious assault against fellow committee member Troie Liszt and that said assault was only averted due to Mr. Liszt’s above-average reflexes. What do you say in response?”

  “About his reflexes?”

  “ . . .”

  “Well what really happened was—”

  “That this assault was completely without provocation and unusually vicious.”

  “In my defense I should—”

  “That significant expense was incurred by this office in repairing a large patch of wall.”

  “Well I can reimburse, if only the office would see fit to disburse a slight loan—”

  “That Mr. Liszt has suffered such severe psychological damage as a result of these actions that today is only the second day he has been able to set foot on these premises since the incident.”

  “Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

  “You have twenty seconds remaining in which to respond.”

  “Unprovoked I don’t know. I had just lost a case and he said something like welcome to the world of the mediocre or something similar as I recall. What would you do?”

  “Time!”

  “Well I feel I must interject something at this point,” said Conley finally. “Basically that there have been several instances where even I myself have felt inclined towards violence against Mr. Liszt.” Cleary and Graham were nodding in agreement and even Debi seemed a bit chastened. The momentum had clearly swung in my favor, should’ve known I could count on Conley. Everything was going to be all right.

  “Nevertheless that does not conclude the charges!” said Liszt.

  “No it doesn’t,” added Debi. “For it is further alleged that you have paid the bail for a client in clear contravention of office policy.” There was a clearly audible gasp from the rest of the committee. “How do you respond?”

  “That’s absurd. Well, that is, unless you have clear proof I did so in which case I aver that I didn’t know it was wrong.” They all looked at Debi.

  “I hold in my manicured hand a bail slip for $5,000 cash signed by one Lord Windsor of Chesternut securing the release of one Glenda Deeble. I have in my other similarly-manicured hand a receipt indicating that the accused took out a credit card cash advance for that amount on that same date.”

  “Sounds circumstantial no?” offered Conley.

  “Until you see this affidavit from the private investigator hired by this committee in which the affiant affirms that he personally observed the accused pay that bail in person and use that alias. Casi?”

  “I’m really going to have to insist you employ my hard-earned honorific when you address me, you collectively owe me at least that, and odd that you flatly denied being on this committee Con.”

  “You see?” she looked at the other members. “Even at this late stage he continues to joke, even as his career hangs in the balance. But what do you say we stick to the evidence rather than your ad hominem attacks Casi? Because that same investigator would testify that in the last seven business days the accused has spent approximately three hours in this building. That he has refused to enter his office during that time but rather has employed Ms. Julia Ellis to retrieve his files. That he has repeatedly asked her to burn everything on his desk, which request she has rightly resisted.”

  “Maybe give him a moment to respond Debi,” said Conley.

  “That he has likely played a pivotal role in the loss by this office of one its finest attorneys ever in one Melvyn Toomberg.”

  “Huh?” I said.

  “What?” said Conley.

  “That Mr. Toomberg was last seen seven days ago coming out of the accused’s office and muttering about letters. That he subsequently resigned and is in Bora Bora.”

  “No, Bali,” said Cleary.

  “I thought Belize,” said Graham.

  “Are you prepared to level with this committee about your role in the resignation of Mr. Toomberg?” said Debi.

  “No.”

  “You had no role?” suggested Conley hopefully.

  “No, I refuse to level about it.”

  “Then we’ll proceed to closing statements,” said Debi looking side to side. “You have fifteen seconds.”

  “Well okay, with respect to these charges, I guess I’ll take them one by one. I took some notes along the way. Let’s see . . . Liszt . . . Grinn.”

  “Time!” shouted Debi. “We will now confer and render a decision.” They turned to each other and started whispering loudly. In the doorway to the conference room I saw Julia. She met my eyes and shrugged, her palms rotating outward as in how’s it going? I gestured that I was ignorantly waiting and she half-pout-smiled yummily before looking left and leaving right.

  I looked at the whisperers when a phone in their area rang then back at the doorway just in time to see an enormous figure cross it. The figure’s passage momentarily occluded every extant photon of light and this eclipse so degraded the air in the room that I had difficulty breathing as I pretended, to myself, that I wasn’t sure what I’d seen. Those at the table paused their deliberations to stare at the passing dark and in their sudden silence I think they half-expected an announcement of some sort. When nothing tangible happened next they went back to their perfectly audible whispering. Then Debi rose, tightened the belt to her robe and spoke in a strange stentorian voice:

  “Hear ye thricewise! For by the power vested in me by COCK and by the newly-elected commander-in-chief of this office, Sir Lechuga McSorley, hath the forthcoming been unanimously declared by a vote of four to one with five abstentions. That the herein accused, charged with conduct detrimental to the crown, is hereby separated from his official capacities, said separation to endure throughout the existence of time immemorial.”

  I said nothing.

  “Congratulations Casi,” she said but this time in a normal voice. “You just became the first attorney ever fired in the history of this office.” The rest of COCK nodded in agreement. “I should add for the record that I have just received the minutes of the contempt hearing held earlier today in Judge Cymbeline’s courtroom and judging from your response to the court’s request for an apology I think it is exceedingly apparent that we made the right decision here today. That said, you do have the right to appeal this committee’s decision. Here’s a booklet that—”

  “Well it’s more like a pamphlet really,” said Conley.

  “Fine, here’s a pamphlet detailing the procedures to be followed in the appellate process. If you do appeal a committee will be formed—”

  “Never mind all that,” I said. “I was going to quit anyway.”

  I got up and started to leave. “Oh well Casi,” said Debi. “Look on the bright side.” />
  “What’s that?”

  “That was lobby security before, seems there’s a disturbing giant of some sort down there and he’s looking for you.”

  When I got to the lobby I did some intense skulking whereby I determined that the relevant coast was clear. But not so fast because as I approached the main exit there emerged just past the doors an unnatural series of shadows, their cause so troubling nearby pedestrians that they seemed to think better of any plan that involved proximity to the obscurant. I didn’t wait for the shadows to realize I just turned and booked out a side door where I was forced to do an evasive little 180º spin, pointed to the stranger who forced it, said how’d you like that move, then disappeared into the subway.

  By the time I got to my building I was well-disguised having purchased a Yosemite Sam hat and giant novelty sunglasses at the subway station. At the top of the stairs to the second floor I started seeing shattered pieces of wood every few steps until I came to the door to Ralph’s apartment. What I came to really was the remains of that door strewn across the doorway and barely attached to the doorjamb. I stepped on and through those remains and into the apartment. I saw no one.

  “Ralph? You here?” I said. I was looking around in a creepy stillness. I was about to give up and take a load off when an icy aggressive hand seized my shoulder from behind. I spun around and fell back a couple steps.

  “Take it easy, it’s me,” the owner of the hand said.

  “Who?” I said.

  “Who he says. Angus, who else?”

  “Angus?”

  “Yeah man.”

  “You look different.”

  “It’s me dude.”

  “Scared me, where you been man?”

  “I’m baaack.”

  “What happened to your door?”

  “You tell me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean that about an hour ago I get a knock on my door. Only I’m not feeling very social or anything so I decide to ignore it, you know, pretend I’m not here. Well the knocking gets more and more insistent and shit and now this crazy voice is saying it knows I’m in there and I better open up, it must have heard me moving you know? Now I’m more determined than ever not to open the door if only based on the sound of that voice which was downright scary, and not in a corny horror movie way either, no I mean really scary and disconcerting like you’re hearing something you’re not supposed to be hearing. Well the thing starts banging harder and harder then suddenly I don’t know any other way to put it other than it just all at once eviscerated the door and came right in. And I don’t know how to break this to you man but it was looking for you.”