Osmosis

by Susan X Meagher

  Mia was sitting on the unmade bed, watching the network news. “No rush. That place is never crowded.”

  Rushing around the room, Jordan was ready in world-class time. “Let’s go,” she said, extending a hand to pull Mia to her feet. They walked down the hall, with Jordan sticking her head into each of the other rooms, telling their roommates that they were going out. By the time they hit the outdoor stairwell, Mia felt her rage beginning to rise, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to control it if it managed to escape. She concentrated on swallowing her anger, attempting to do so by responding to Jordan’s comments with the fewest words possible.

  By the time they’d been seated and had ordered, neither woman was speaking. Jordan looked intensely uncomfortable, but Mia couldn’t focus on her. She was far too busy trying to keep a lid on the volcano she knew was building in her gut. Head down, she ate the chef’s salad she’d ordered, automatically depositing the things she didn’t like onto Jordan’s salad, nodding when Jordan put a black olive on her plate. It took no more than twenty minutes for them to finish and pay the bill, then walk out into the dark evening.

  The break had given Mia time to calm down, and she took Jordan’s hand on the walk home. “I know this is … kinda out of the blue,” she said, “but we’ve got to come up with a plan to get our own place.”

  Jordan came to an abrupt halt. “What? Since when?” Her face fell and she rushed to explain, “I’m naked around the other girls all of the time! It doesn’t mean a thing. Really!”

  Mia shook her head and started to walk, with Jordan’s long gait allowing her to catch up quickly. “It’s not because Jill was in the bathroom with you,” Mia said, “even though I don’t like it. It’s the fact that we don’t have any privacy.”

  “We have our own room …”

  Mia turned to glare at her, and Jordan’s mouth shut quickly. “We live out in the middle of nowhere, Jordy. We don’t hang out with our roommates or even talk to them much.”

  “We could if you wanted to,” Jordan jumped in. “I’m just sick of ’em after being with them all day.”

  “No!” Without warning, Mia stopped and Jordan barreled into her. Mia didn’t react to the crash, even though she skidded on the macadam. She balled her hands into fists and spoke through gritted teeth. “I don’t want to be friends with them. I … don’t … like … them!”

  Jordan’s jaw dropped. “What? Why?”

  “Makela and Ekaterina don’t give me the time of day, and I’d have trouble understanding them if they did! Toni comes in the door and gets on the phone with her husband. And I don’t like Jill because she wants to fuck you!”

  “She … but … it’s not …” Jordan stopped speaking and stared at the ground. “I’m only interested in you. Isn’t that what matters?”

  “Fuck!” Mia’s voice was so loud that windows would have vibrated if any had been nearby. She bent at the waist, hands on her knees, panting softly. After a few moments, she stood and faced Jordan. Her voice was calm by the time she spoke. “Of course that’s what matters. But she … irritates me. They all irritate me, honey. And it’s not because they’re assholes. They’re keeping me from being alone with you.”

  Jordan let out a heavy sigh and shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans. Twitching her head to signal Mia, she began to walk. It took her a while to speak again, and when she did her voice was low and soft. “This pisses me off.”

  Mia’s heart started to pound in her chest. She reached for Jordan’s arm, and was immensely relieved when her lover didn’t pull away. “Why? What did I do?”

  Slowly, Jordan’s head turned and her eyes were hooded when she gazed at her partner. “I’ve asked you ten times a day if you’re happy. I don’t like to be lied to.”

  Feeling sick, the words rushed out of Mia’s mouth. She was nearly frantic, on the verge of tears. “I didn’t want to make things hard for you. I wanted to just lay low and try to get comfortable before I started making demands.”

  “Demands? Is that what it’s called when you tell me how you feel about something? What kinda relationship is that?” Jordan faced Mia again, her expression filled with hurt. “Who are you using as a model, my parents?”

  Desperately, Mia grabbed her lover’s arm and pulled her to a stop. She flung her arms around her and held her tightly. “No, no, I’m … I’m trying my best. I wanna support you, not make things harder. It’s just getting to me.”

  “What’s getting to you? Having roommates?”

  Mia pulled away and looked into Jordan’s eyes. “No. It’s more than that. It’s where we live; it’s how we live, it’s how little there is to do out here.” Jordan’s open expression seemed to slam closed. Her eyes took on a coldness Mia had rarely seen, and it frightened her to the core.

  “That’s everything except me. Are you sure I’m not on the list, too?”

  “No! God, no! You’re everything to me, Jordy! I’ve left my home, my friends, my family, my school to be with you!”

  “You’ve been telling me that everything’s great: you like where we live, you don’t mind our roommates, you don’t mind my schedule. Why wouldn’t I wonder if you’re sick of me, too?”

  Mia could feel the fear leaving her body, immediately replaced by anger. “Look! You either believe I love you or you don’t. There isn’t one more thing I can do to prove it to you.” She closed her eyes and felt her hands ball into fists. Holding them next to her reddening face, she shouted, “God damn it, Jordan! I’d give you a kidney if you needed it. I’d probably give you both of ’em! How can you say something like that to me? How can you doubt my love?”

  Jordan’s nostrils flared and she stood a little straighter. “Because I’m not very good at figuring out which of your statements are lies. Before tonight, I thought you liked being here. Now I find out the only thing you like is me. It’s … hard for me to know you’ve been lying. I thought I could trust you.”

  “You can! I’ve always told you the truth about everything important.”

  “It’s important that you’ve been here for three weeks and have been unhappy the entire time. That’s damned important to me; that’s why I’ve asked you about how you feel a couple of hundred times.” Her eyes narrowed and she spoke even more softly. “I could tell that you weren’t happy, that’s why I kept asking. It sucks, Mia. It sucks a lot that you continued to lie even when I begged you to tell me the truth.”

  “Damn it, Jordan! Give me a fucking break! I’m trying to fit into your life, a life that I’m on the very edge of! I didn’t want to come here and start complaining about everything. My whole reason for being here is to help you … support you.”

  Clearly puzzled, Jordan asked, “Help me what?”

  “Help you with anything you need! That’s what partners do!”

  Jordan shook her head, her jaw clenched tightly. “Not my partner. My partner’s here because she wants to be here. She’s not here to nurse me.”

  “I love being with you,” Mia said, stunned at her lover’s reaction. “I was so unhappy when you were gone.”

  “And now you’re unhappy here.”

  “Not when you’re home! That makes it all worth while!”

  “Only until you lose it and tell me how you really feel. Then you want to move, or kick the other girls out, or … I don’t even know what you want!”

  Mia’s lower lip quivered and her voice cracked. “That’s because you haven’t let me tell you.”

  Her voice was still cool when Jordan said, “I’m sorry. Tell me what you want.”

  “I want us to have our own apartment. I want it to be closer to the center of town so I can walk places when you’re gone.”

  Jordan stared at her, her eyes cold and unblinking. “That’ll make you happy?”

  “I … I’m not sure, but I think it will. Having our own place’ll let us be ourselves. That’ll help.”

  “What if it doesn’t?” Jordan asked, her expression stony.

  “Then we’ll figure out s
omething else. Jesus! I can’t be sure what’ll work!”

  “And I can’t be sure you’ll tell me the truth.”

  “Damn it, will you get over that?”

  “I can’t,” she said. “Trust means everything to me, and to have you selfishly keep secrets—”

  “Selfishly?” Her voice rising, Mia demanded, “I moved to the middle of nowhere, spend all day alone, live with people I barely know in a piece of shit apartment … to spend three hours a day with you. And you have the nerve to tell me I’m being selfish?”

  “Yeah.” Jordan’s face was a mask. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. When you’re unhappy and you lie to me about it … you’re not thinking of our relationship. You might think you are, but you’re not.”

  Defeated, Mia closed her eyes. “Fine. I did this all out of a hidden need to live in a dump and act like I love you. Now that you’ve found me out, I guess I’ll go home.”

  Jordan turned and started to walk again. “Maybe that’s something you should consider,” she said quietly, the words barely reaching Mia’s ears.

  It took about fifteen minutes to finish the walk to the apartment, and Mia’s head was spinning the entire time. She wasn’t sure what she’d done to make Jordan so angry and cold, but she knew it was bad. They’d never had a significant fight, and her lack of experience with Jordan’s temper had her fumbling for a response. They reached the apartment without another word having been said. Mia couldn’t make herself go into their room and endure more of the silent treatment, so when Jordan headed for the steps, she continued to walk.

  “Where are you going?” Jordan asked coolly when she noticed Mia wasn’t behind her.

  “For a walk. If I’m gonna be ignored, I’d rather be alone.”

  Jordan’s expression turned even chillier. She continued up the stairs and went into the apartment without sparing another look at Mia.

  Stunned and heartsick, Mia started walking, her only goal to be away from Jordan. She felt so alone and unprotected that she briefly considered getting into her car and driving to Berkeley. But she knew that was a very harsh payback for Jordan’s snit, so she dismissed the idea before she could seriously consider it.

  She froze when she heard footsteps behind her, then realized the person was running, not creeping up on her. It took just a few moments for her to recognize the soft cadence of her lover’s footfalls and that almost brought a smile to her face. She’d just started to turn when Jordan grasped her shoulder and turned her, enfolding her in a crushing embrace.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, her breath coming in quick gasps. “I’m so sorry.”

  Mia returned the hug, but with less fervor than Jordan. “It’s okay. I said some shitty things. I don’t blame you for being mad.”

  “I’m not mad. I’m really not.”

  Pulling back, Mia looked up at her lover. “Then what are you?”

  Jordan shook her head, her long, blonde hair sliding over her shoulders to rest on her red fleece jacket. “I … I don’t know. But I can’t stand to have things like this between us. Can we go home?”

  Mia rested her cheek on Jordan’s chest. “I’m home when I’m with you. It’s you that matters to me … not where we are. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

  “Doesn’t matter.” Jordan kissed the crown of her head, hugging her tightly. “You had a hard day. I think having your mom here was tough on you.”

  “A little,” Mia admitted. She nuzzled against Jordan’s soft jacket, the springy fibers and Jordan’s soft hair giving her face a duet of sensations. “We can go home if you want, but I’d rather stay outside a while longer.”

  “Okay. Wanna walk some more?”

  “Yeah.” Mia took Jordan’s hand and they continued walking away from the apartment. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was unhappy. That was stupid.”

  “You’re never stupid. And you’re never selfish. You were trying to be supportive. I was stupid not to see that.”

  “S’okay. I hurt your feelings.”

  “Ehh … I’m not sure what happened. I just went off. Doesn’t happen very often.”

  “I know,” Mia said. “First time I’ve ever seen you get angry.” She looked up at Jordan until their eyes met. “I don’t wanna see it very often.”

  “You won’t.” Jordan kissed her head again. “You won’t. I’m on edge this week, and it felt like you were pressing me to do something that isn’t a good idea right now.”

  “What? Moving?”

  “Yeah. They’re gonna cut two more this week. There’s a chance we’ll be going home this weekend … so it seemed ridiculous to think of renting an apartment.”

  Mia stopped and twirled, putting her hand on Jordan’s breastbone. “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

  “What?”

  “That you’re worried about getting cut.”

  Looking down at the ground, Jordan made a face like a child being scolded. “I dunno. Makes it too real, I guess.”

  “Are you really worried?”

  They made eye contact and Mia could see the anxiety in her lover’s eyes. “Yeah. There are too many outside hitters. We’ve got five, and they’ll take four at the most. So … one of us has to go before the final roster’s set. Two of the girls are untouchable … so that leaves three of us to fight for one or two spots.”

  Mia took her hand and tugged on Jordan to start them walking again. “How do you think you compare to the other two?”

  “We’re … different,” she said thoughtfully. “I’m better offensively than either of the others, but Rachel is a much better server and Lina is a little bit better at defense than Rachel or I are.” She shrugged. “It depends on what the coaches are looking for.”

  “Aren’t they looking for offense? Isn’t that what wins games?”

  “Sure. But the veterans are both excellent offensively and have a lot of experience in international play. They might want the subs to be better defensively in the event of a tight match. It’s impossible to tell.”

  “So you and Rachel and Lina are all new?”

  “Yeah. Rachel is only a freshman, so she’d be a great choice. She could get some experience this year and really know what she’s doing in 2004.”

  Mia put her arm around Jordan’s shoulder. “I can see why you’re worried.” Giving her a squeeze that made her gasp, she added, “But I can’t see why you didn’t tell me about this. You can’t expect me to tell you everything that’s bothering me when you won’t tell me when you’re afraid of getting cut!”

  “I know,” Jordan said, sounding contrite.

  “I know they’re gonna keep you,” Mia said. “You’re too fantastic to even consider cutting. So I’m gonna look for an apartment.”

  Jordan sighed. “Fine.”

  “Come on, honey. You’ll make it! You’re a total stud!”

  Barely smiling, Jordan looked at her watch. “It’s just about time for bed. Let’s head home.” She draped her arm around Mia’s shoulders and they walked back toward the apartment, each silently mulling over the weeks to come.

  Jamie got home a little late on Monday night, barely beating Ryan home. She was looking over some menus from their favorite take-out places when Ryan walked into the kitchen.

  “Hi.” Ryan bent and kissed her head. “Just get home from therapy, or not in the mood to cook?”

  Jamie put her arm around Ryan’s hips and hugged her. “The former. Right before my time was up, I asked Anna about making a referral for you. She spent a good fifteen minutes of her own time telling me why she wouldn’t.” She smiled up at Ryan. “She must love me since she gave me a freebie.”

  “Why wouldn’t she make a referral?” Ryan was frowning as she walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a container of yogurt. “It’s not hard.” She grabbed a spoon and pulled out a chair, straddling it backwards, as was her habit.

  Jamie watched her meticulously arrange the fruit throughout the container. “She said she didn’t think she was the best per
son to make a referral for you.”

  “Who is? The Yellow Pages?”

  “Nooo. She reminded me that you have a therapist who knows you. She thinks Ellen is the right person to make a referral. Ellen’s been seeing you for a while and she’d probably have some idea of the type of person you’d click with.”

  Jabbing at her yogurt, Ryan grumbled, “I was gonna call and quit. I don’t wanna talk to her again.”

  Jamie reached across the table and brushed some dust off Ryan’s arm, then gently stroked it. “Why not, honey?”

  “’Cause I’m done. I told you I don’t like going, so why go back?”

  “Uhm … because you’re in a group. I’d think you’d say goodbye to the other people in the group. I mean … you’ve shared things with them, right?”

  “Not much,” Ryan said, her eyes focused on her rapidly dwindling yogurt.

  “Well, it’s rude to call and cancel now. Go tomorrow and tell them that you’re leaving.”

  Ryan spooned the last of the yogurt into her mouth and stood up. “I’m gonna call her now, then she can think of a referral for me for tomorrow.” She started to leave but added, “Order something spicy, ’kay?”

  “Okay.” Jamie watched her leave, wondering what was going on in that adorably irritating mind.

  The phone rang not long after they’d finished dinner and Jamie went into the living room to answer it. “Hello?’

  “Jamie! Niall.”

  “Hi, Niall.” She smiled at the way he spoke on the phone. It reminded her of roll call more than conversation, but she was used to the odd habits of the O’Flaherty cousins.

  “Your ma hooked me up with her real estate guy. You know him?”

  “No, I haven’t met him. Have you?”

  “No. But I talked to him. He doesn’t do commercial or rental properties, so he turned me over to a guy he works with—Ray something or other. Anyway, I’m gonna go meet with this guy tomorrow and I thought one of you might wanna go with me.”

  “Uhm … Ryan’s probably busy, but I can make it as long as it’s in the afternoon.”