“Okay. But you’ll call me when you get in, right?”
“Absolutely. I’m looking forward to seeing you, honey.”
“Me too, Dad. See you in … a week or so.”
After Ryan had shared her news about Jamie the trio resumed talking about the same topic they’d started at the previous session. “We spent most of last time talking about Ryan,” Ellen said, “and I think we did a pretty thorough job of giving her our impressions of her. Ready for your time in the hot seat, Barb?”
“No, but I never am,” she said grimly. “Hit me.”
As Barb had done the previous week, Ryan composed her thoughts, faced Barb and said, “I’ve been thinking about what you told me one of the first weeks I was here. You said that you were going to quit the police force because you didn’t think you could stand to do the job again.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said.”
“Do you still feel that way?”
“I think so. I can go back if the police psychologist clears me, or I can go on permanent disability. But I don’t wanna go through all of the stuff I’d have to do to get disability. I’d probably just quit.”
“How many years do you have in?” Ryan asked.
“Seven. Lucky seven.”
“And how long were you and … Phil?”
“Yeah, Phil,” Barb said, her face taking on the mask of pain it always carried when she talked about her partner on the force.
“How long were you partners?”
“Two years. My first partner retired. They try to put rookies with an older cop if possible. Phil and I were peers. He was just two years older than me.”
“I think,” Ryan said, her eyes narrowing a little, “that you hold yourself to a higher standard than the rest of the world does.”
“Mmm … the world’s standards aren’t very high in my book,” Barb said.
“No, but the police department’s are. And if they determined you weren’t negligent in your partner’s death—I believe them. They go over things like that more carefully than anything they do. And if they thought you did anything … anything …wrong, you would have been called on it. True?” she asked, staring at Barb.
“Yeah, that’s mostly true. Nobody would want to partner with someone who they thought had been given a pass.”
“Do you think anyone would want to partner with you?”
Barb squirmed in her seat. “Yeah. Everybody I’ve talked to said it wasn’t my fault. A couple of people have said they’d like to pair up with me if I go back.”
“But you don’t trust them?”
“Hell, yeah, I trust ’em! That’s not it.”
“You don’t trust yourself,” Ryan said, and Barb nodded. “I know what that’s like, I really do. But I don’t know what it’s like to accidentally kill someone I cared about.”
“Nobody does,” Barb said. “Well, most people don’t. The lucky ones don’t.”
“No matter what you do, you’re always gonna struggle with Phil’s death. But other cops know what it’s like to shoot someone. They know what it’s like to make the kind of decision you made the day Phil died. If you go into some job where people don’t understand the stress—you’re gonna feel even more alone—more cut off.”
“Not many people have shot their partners,” she mumbled.
“Probably true. But it could happen to anyone at any time. Other cops know that. They don’t wanna think about it, but they all know it. They’ll have more empathy for you than anybody else, Barb. They’re your best support group. Going back to work and getting on with your career is the best thing you could do for yourself.”
“I just don’t think I can face anyone,” Barb said, her jaw starting to tremble. “I haven’t seen anyone from the force since the funeral.”
“That’ll be hard,” Ryan said. “But there’s someone you have to face every minute … and that’s yourself. You’ve said that I’m not a quitter … well, you’re not either. No woman who goes through the police academy is a quitter. I worry about you because I think you’re gonna hate yourself if you quit. If you give up now, you’ll always feel like you ran away. I hate to say it this way, but you will have run away. And that’s something that I think you’ll always be ashamed of.”
“That’s what stops me from quitting,” Barb said. “I hate quitters. I’ve wanted to put a slug through my head a dozen times, but that would be the easy way out.” Her jaw stuck out in defiance, and she looked more self-confident than Ryan had ever seen her. “That’s what a coward would do.”
“You’re no coward,” Ryan said. “The people who investigated the accident know that, your fellow cops know that, and I know you know that. You just have to make yourself believe it.”
“Easier said …”
“I know that. People have been telling me to forgive myself ever since the day of our carjacking, but I’m my toughest critic. I think that’s true for you, too.”
“Yeah, it is. Phil’s girlfriend and his mother keep telling me that it wasn’t my fault, but that makes me feel worse. It’s hard for me to face either one of them, and seeing them upset about me just makes me … wanna scream. They shouldn’t waste their time thinking about me.”
“They care about you,” Ryan said softly. “And if they held you responsible … even a little … they probably wouldn’t be able to face you.”
“Maybe.” She shrugged and looked away. “I don’t know.”
There was a pause and Ellen said, “I think Barb has a pretty good idea of how you see her situation, Ryan. Do you have any questions for Ryan, Barb?”
“No, but I’m gonna think about what you said about the cops being a good support group. Maybe I’ll be able to make up my mind about going back if I start to talk to one or two of the people I used to hang out with. Get a feel for how they think it’d go for me if I went back.”
“It couldn’t hurt,” Ryan said. “I know a lot of cops, and they’re usually good at giving it to you straight.”
Barb gave her a half smile. “Without a doubt.”
Ryan was just getting on her bike to ride home when her cell phone rang. “Ryan?”
“Yeah.”
“Robin Berkowitz.”
“Hi, Professor. What’s up?”
“Professor Skadden just got the results for the Putnam Competition. He’s going to announce them at 10:00 in the Common Room in Evans Hall. I thought you might like to be there.”
“Mmm … I was gonna work on my project today. I hate to waste the time.”
“Aw, come on. I’m calling all of the people I know who took it. Surely you’re curious.”
“Sure. I wanna know how I did, but I could have my girlfriend go by and check. She’s on campus today.”
The professor laughed. “You’re the most incurious woman I know!”
“No, not really. But since I wasn’t on the team …”
“No, but you know some of the people on the team, don’t you? You should come and support them.”
“Okay, okay,” Ryan said, laughing. “You guilt-tripped me into it.”
“Good. Now that that’s settled, I’d like to postpone our meeting for this afternoon, if possible. My husband lucked into a pair of tickets for the Giants’ opening day, and I can’t pass that up.”
“Now I know why you called,” Ryan joked. “You had an ulterior motive.”
“I always do. See you at 10:00.”
Ryan reached Jamie when her partner was half-dozing through a lecture on supply-side economics. “Hi,” Jamie whispered. “Thanks for making my pants vibrate. Most excitement I’ve had in an hour.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Macro economics is, quite possibly, the dullest course offered at this fine university. Luckily, a zillion people take it, so I can sit in the back row and pray for the clock to move. What’s up?”
“Are you free at 10:00?”
“Yeah, but I have class at 10:30.”
“I know that,” Ryan said, feigning offense. “I kn
ow your schedule. I just didn’t know if you had anything else going on.”
“No, no secret trysts today. I was just gonna go over my notes while they’re still pooled in a lifeless mass in my head.”
“Wanna meet me in your hall? They’re announcing the results of the Putnam.”
“It’s not my hall,” Jamie said, giggling at Ryan’s insistence that the math building, named Evans Hall, had been named for her. “God, it’s been forever! Did they have one guy grading ’em?”
“No, but almost three thousand people took it, and they have to grade them by hand.”
“They should do it the easy way and make it multiple choice.”
“I’ll put that in the suggestion box. See you a little bit before 10:00. It’s in the common room on the tenth floor. Save me a seat if you get there first.”
“Unless someone cuter comes in before you do.”
“Honey, I hate to sound like I’m full of myself, but this is the math department. Get real!”
Ryan slid into a seat next to Jamie in the large room overlooking the Bay. “No one cuter got here first, huh?”
Jamie leaned over and kissed her. “No, but I’m sure I could give some of these guys their first contact with a woman.” She surreptitiously looked around. “We might be the only non-virgins here.”
Ryan giggled and poked her partner with her elbow. “You’re very naughty today. I like it when you’re naughty.”
“I’m in a strangely good mood,” Jamie said. “It’s such a nice day for April. The sun makes me wanna do something … silly.”
“Hmm … silly, huh? Maybe we can think of something later.” She turned her head and nodded at the man in the front of the room. “That’s the esteemed Professor Skadden.”
“He’s the jerk who wouldn’t put you on the team, right?”
“He’s your man. Come to think of it, you might be able to give him his first contact with a woman.”
“Ugh! He dissed my baby. No nookie for him.”
Ryan turned and stared at her. “What’s gotten into you today?”
Grinning, Jamie shrugged. “Don’t know. I just feel playful.”
Ryan put her arm around her and said, “Shh … the great man is about to speak.”
The professor stood at the podium and adjusted his glasses, then he spoke in a flat, nasal voice. “I have the results from the 1999 Putnam Competition. The committee reports that twenty-nine hundred people sat for the test, and teams represented three hundred and forty-six schools.”
“Cal obviously didn’t win,” Ryan whispered, “or he would have started with that.”
“I don’t know,” Jamie said. “He doesn’t look like he knows how to build suspense.”
“The top five teams are as follows,” he said. “The University of Waterloo, Harvard University, Duke University, the University of Michigan, and the University of Chicago.”
Everyone in the room let out a disappointed sigh. People shifted around in their seats, and a few people started to get up.
“Some people from our department performed very well,” he said. People stopped moving and paid attention again. “We aren’t given team results lower than the top five, but Gabriel Dominguez placed third in the entire competition.”
Ryan let out a whoop and everyone in the auditorium applauded. “That’s Gabe,” Ryan said, pointing to a man who stood up and waved. “We’ve been in a lot of classes together. He’s real smart,” she added, wrinkling up her nose.
Professor Skadden continued, “Hiroshi Matsuhita, also on our team, placed ninetieth.
Ryan pointed out Hiroshi when he stood. “I don’t know him. I think he’s a freshman.”
“And lastly, Siobhan O’Flaherty …” Jamie grabbed Ryan’s arm and squeezed it hard. “…placed twenty-fifth and has been awarded the Elizabeth Lowell Putnam prize for particularly meritorious performance by a woman.”
Jamie kissed Ryan on the lips, squeezing her tight while the entire room looked on in stunned silence. Ryan broke away and stood, and, after a pause, the crowd applauded vigorously.
“Congratulations to all of you,” Professor Skadden said. “You should all be proud of your efforts.” He walked over to Gabe and shook his hand, and Hiroshi walked over to him to be congratulated, too.
“That’s so cool!” Jamie squealed. She put her good arm around Ryan and patted her hard on the back. “And you’re the best women! I could have told ’em that!” Ryan looked happy, but not as happy as Jamie expected. “What’s up? You’re not jazzed.”
Distracted, Ryan gave her a quick glance. “Oh, I am.” Jamie followed her eyes and saw her staring at Professor Skadden. “He should have mentioned me after Gabe. I came in twenty-fifth and Hiroshi came in ninetieth.”
“Oh … right!” Jamie glared at the elderly man.
Professor Berkowitz walked over and threw her arms around Ryan. “Glad you came?”
Ryan smiled at her. “You knew, didn’t you!”
“Yeah. I knew that you won the ELP, but I didn’t know how well you did. Damn, twenty-fifth place is awesome, Ryan.”
Sheepishly, Ryan nodded. “I’m happy, really happy. Especially because of how I had to take it.”
“I’d hate to see how you’d do if you hadn’t been on a bus all day after playing a basketball game!”
“Who knows? That might have relaxed me. I have an odd metabolism.”
“I’m really happy for you,” the professor said again. “I never cracked the magic one-fifty when I took it, and I took it four times!”
“Just goes to show it doesn’t mean much,” Ryan said, grinning at her.
“I’ve gotta go, but I’m really glad you two could make it. Good job!” She smiled at both of them, then was immediately approached by a student as she turned to go.
“She’s nice,” Jamie said.
“Yep. She’s nice and smart. My favorite combo.”
“You gonna go talk to your friend?”
“Yeah, as soon as Skadden takes off. He probably thinks there was a mistake in the grading.”
Jamie gazed at the back of Ryan’s head as her partner leaned forward, watching the professor chat with a few students. It wasn’t like Ryan to get upset about someone not noticing her or not giving her the respect she deserved, and it puzzled her. She put her hand on her back and said, “I think he’s leaving. Let’s go.”
Ryan grabbed her backpack and reached Gabe and Hiroshi as they were about to leave. “Hey, guys, good job,” she said, awkwardly hugging each man.
“You kicked some serious tail, O’Flaherty,” Gabe said, laughing. “Twenty-fifth is righteous!”
Hiroshi, whose English skills didn’t match his mathematical abilities, nodded politely and mumbled something like, “Good job. Nice.”
“You guys did great,” Ryan said. “But I didn’t hear Serban’s score.”
Gabe shrugged. “I’ll go check out the announcement when Skadden has his secretary post it. I think they list the top hundred and fifty.”
“Yeah,” Ryan said. “I think they do.” She smiled and shook each man’s hand and took Jamie by the hand to lead her out.
“Who’s this Serban … is that right?”
“He’s the third guy on the team. He got the spot I should’ve gotten … if Skadden wasn’t a sexist.”
“Well, I hope he’s learned his lesson. You did great, honey! And you beat all of the other women!”
Ryan made a face. “That doesn’t impress me. I think it sucks that they even give that award out. It’s like the ‘We know women can’t beat the men, so we have a special little prize for them’ award.”
“Ooo … that’s why you didn’t look happy.”
“Partly,” Ryan said, checking her watch. “Time for you to leave for class, pumpkin.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“I thought I’d go home and work on my project. Same as always.”
“Let’s do something silly,” Jamie said. “Just you and me.”
“You�
��re gonna skip class?”
“Yep. I haven’t missed this one except for one golf match. I’m due.” She kissed Ryan again. “And you’re due a little celebration!”
“You also gave a lot of the guys in the room a bonus,” Ryan said, chuckling. “Seeing two girls kiss probably shorted out some circuits in those tidy little brains. They may not have to resort to animé porn tonight.”
“Ack!” Jamie threw her hand over her mouth. “I kissed you! I mean, I really kissed you!”
“Sure did. I liked it,” Ryan said, linking her arm through Jamie’s.
When they were standing in the bright, warm sunshine, Jamie took out her cell phone and called her mother. “Hi, Mom,” she said. “Do you mind if we go get my splint tomorrow?”
“No, that’s fine. I thought you’d be in a hurry to get it, since it will fit so much better than the one you have.”
“I am,” she admitted. “But my sweetheart just found out she placed twenty-fifth out of almost six thousand people who took that big math test last fall. I think she deserves a treat!”
“Twenty-fifth! Goodness, that’s wonderful! She really is gifted, isn’t she?”
“Oh, she’s the most gifted little pixie in the world.” She stuck her tongue out at Ryan, reeling it back in just as it was nearly grabbed.
“She’s with you, isn’t she?” Catherine asked. “I can always tell. Your voice takes on the happiest tone.”
“That’s because she makes me happy. Always.” She blew Ryan a kiss.
“Can I speak with her?”
“Sure. Mom wants to say hi,” Jamie said.
Ryan took the phone. “Hi!”
“Hello to you! Congratulations on doing so well in that test. That’s quite an accomplishment.”
“Thanks. I was pleased.”
“So self-effacing,” Catherine said, gently chiding her. “Would you like to go out for a nice dinner tonight? Or do you two have plans?”
“No, we don’t have plans for tonight, do we, Jamie?” Jamie shook her head. “We’re free. But I have softball practice until six.”
“I’ll make reservations for seven,” Catherine said. “You don’t have to get too dressed up.”
Ryan smiled. “Thanks for that. You know I’d prefer not to wear shoes if I didn’t have to.”
Osmosis Page 15
