Osmosis

by Susan X Meagher

  “Sure? I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable.”

  “I wasn’t uncomfortable having sex with you, why would I be uncomfortable just talking about it?” Ryan chuckled.

  Ally didn’t voice the obvious reason, she just said, “If you’re sure.”

  “I am. Hit me.”

  “Well … it’s hard to change my patterns,” Ally said. “My therapist says that some of the things we do and the ways we react are kinda hard-wired and it’s really tough to change them.”

  “I’m sure that’s true. But if you’re really motivated I’m sure you can make some headway.”

  “Uhm … I am … or I was … but Sara’s making things tough for me. This is the part that I thought might make you uncomfortable.”

  Ryan was uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. It was one thing to think of Ally and her sexual responses, but she didn’t like to think of Sara and Ally together. Stilll, she had no intention of letting her friend down. She knew Ally wouldn’t ask to talk if she didn’t need to, so she swallowed her discomfort and said, “I’m still here. Tell me whatever you want.”

  “Okay.” Ryan could hear her friend taking in a breath and letting it out. “You know how I am in bed, right?”

  “Uh, yeah, I have a vague recollection.” She laughed. “Spit it out, Webster!”

  “All right, all right. When we got together, I told Sara I wanted to change how I responded and how I related to her. I wanted to make things more equal … more give and take. I didn’t want to start a serious relationship with someone and have those old images creeping into my bed.”

  “That makes sense,” Ryan said soothingly. “Perfect sense.”

  “But Sara doesn’t really want me to change,” Ally said. “She likes how I am.”

  Ryan silently sucked in a breath, her brain assaulted by images of Ally dominating her first love. But she fought through them enough to say, “I know I sure did.”

  “Uhm … thanks? Well anyway … she likes it a lot, and it’s so easy to give in, ya know? To let myself get carried away and not have to think; to just act on my instincts. But that’s not what I want!”

  “Because …?”

  “Because I adopted those ways of coping to protect myself. If I’m the top, I don’t have to be as vulnerable. I don’t have to feel like I did when my brother—”

  “Ally,” Ryan said gently, “you were vulnerable with me a lot of the time. Give it some time … it’ll happen.”

  “Uhm … it’s happening already. That’s part of the reason it’s hard for me to change. It’s surprisingly easy to be vulnerable with her. But she’s such a natural sub, Ryan. She says she’s always dreamed of someone dominating her. Honestly … she seems so happy and satisfied, that now I’m afraid I’ll screw things up if I can change.”

  Trying to get some moisture into her mouth, Ryan smacked her lips together, then recalled that she had a bottle of water. She took a long drink, then said, “But you don’t enjoy it anymore, huh?”

  “Oh, no! I love it! We fit together like pieces of a puzzle. I can let myself go with her and go places I’ve never been with a woman. But this isn’t what I want,” she said plaintively. “I want us to be equals … all of the time. I don’t wanna play with power.”

  “Because it reminds you of your brother?” Ryan asked tentatively.

  “No, not when it’s going on. When we’re having sex, I feel great. It bothers me afterward, when I beat myself up for letting go.”

  “Ally,” Ryan soothed, suddenly feeling more comfortable, “do you let her in? Do you let her touch you…everywhere?”

  “Uhm … yeah, pretty much. There are still a couple of things I don’t like and I don’t think I’ll ever like ’em, but they don’t interfere too much.”

  “And you stop thinking and let her make love to you?”

  “Yeah. I do,” she said without hesitation. “I trust her.”

  “Then … why change?”

  “I want it to be clean,” Ally said. “I don’t want the things from my past to have any influence on us. I want to start fresh with her, Ryan, but our desires have me stuck!”

  “Ally, Ally,” she murmured, “you can’t stop being who you are, and neither can Sara. There has to be some reason—no matter how benign—that she’s a natural bottom. It’d probably be just as hard for her to stop that inclination as it is for you to try and suppress yours. Why take away her pleasure?”

  “I don’t want to do that!”

  “I’m sure you don’t. But if she’s most turned on by being dominated … she’s gonna miss it if you change. And, besides, for all you know, you’re a natural top. Maybe you developed those instincts in reaction to things that happened to you, but it’s possible they were always there. It could be a coincidence; maybe your brother didn’t have anything to do with it.”

  “But I feel like he did. I’ve convinced myself it’s … dirty … tainted to touch Sara that way. I feel like I’m taking my brother’s role and she’s the victim.”

  “But Sara doesn’t feel that way.”

  “No, not at all …” She hesitated. “I don’t think so. We haven’t really talked about it in much detail. I’m pretty skittish about it.”

  “How long have you been working on this in therapy?”

  “Months,” Ally said. “Seems like years. And I don’t feel like I’ve changed much, if at all.”

  “Mind a suggestion?”

  “Not from you.”

  “Try to open up and talk to Sara about this. She knows all about your brother, right?”

  “Yeah. I told her at the very beginning.”

  “See what she thinks,” Ryan suggested. “If she really wants you to dominate her, she’s probably not helping you keep things equal all of the time.”

  Ally laughed and pulled out one of the expressions Ryan had always thought cute. “That’s for shit’n’sure! I don’t even think she knows she’s doing it, but she puts herself in my hands. She gives herself to me, Ryan. Totally.”

  “We all have histories, buddy. All of us. And I think we do get hard-wired. So you can try to change your electrical circuitry—as well as Sara’s—or you can work on getting more comfortable with who you are and how you relate to each other. To tell you the truth, I think that’d be an easier sell.”

  “Hmm … my therapist doesn’t say that directly, but she’s been nudging me in that direction.” She chuckled. “I’ve just been trying to ignore her.”

  “Heh. I know what that’s like. And I know what it’s like to try to change something fundamental, Ally, and I’ve gotta tell ya, I think your road is gonna be smoother if you and Sara let yourselves go and work on being proud of who you are. No matter how you got there, you’re the best top in the Bay Area, girl! And you know this city is filled with leather-clad butch bottoms just dreaming about being topped!”

  “Like you,” Ally chuckled.

  “Hey! Don’t go spreading that around! I’ve got a rep to maintain!”

  “Your secret’s safe with me, sugar. And I’ll think about what you said, talk to Sara about it.” She paused and added, “But I don’t think I’ll tell her we talked about this. I don’t—”

  “Don’t sweat it. This is between us, just us.”

  “Thanks, Rock. Once again, I call to ask about you and wind up talking about me. How do you work that?”

  “I’m a natural,” Ryan said, giggling girlishly.

  Ryan walked into the house that night, stopping short when she spied Jamie walking down the stairs. “Wow,” she said, her eyes showing frank appreciation. “You look fantastic.”

  “Really?” Jamie smiled and continued to descend. Standing on the bottom stair, she cocked her head. “More fantastic than usual?”

  Smiling, Ryan said, “Good point. You always look fantastic.” She dropped her gym bag and put her arms around Jamie’s waist. She stood perfectly still for a few moments, gazing into her partner’s eyes. “You look particularly fantastic in that shirt. You’ve been wearing a lo
t of Indian-style shirts. They look really nice on you. This color is good, too,” she said, fingering the brick-colored linen.

  “They fit a little loose, so I can get away with not wearing a bra if I wear a snug camisole.” She kissed Ryan, ignoring the tiny bit of grit from the softball field on her lips. “You’re so involved with your work by the time I leave, I don’t want to break your concentration enough to have you dress me.”

  “Ooo … don’t feel like that, hon. It’s fine to interrupt me.”

  “You kissed my eye this morning,” Jamie said, re-enacting the misplaced kiss. “And you didn’t even realize it.”

  “Uhm … I meant to do that,” Ryan said, giving her a sparkling grin. “Your eye looked … very kissable this morning.”

  “Don’t bother kissing the Blarney Stone when we go to Ireland. You don’t need any help.” She patted Ryan’s side and scooted past her. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

  Ryan followed her, nose twitching. “I smell … Mexican.”

  “Yep. And I made refrijoles the way you like ’em.”

  “From scratch?”

  “That’s how you like ’em, isn’t it?” Jamie responded with a smile.

  They passed into the kitchen. “I didn’t know it until you made them for me, but now that’s the only way I like them.” Ryan grasped Jamie’s left hand. “Hey, you got your new splint.”

  Jamie hiked up the loose-fitting sleeve. “Yep. Cool, huh?”

  Ryan inspected the molded gray plastic and the black Velcro straps. “Totally. Can you put it on yourself?”

  “Yeah. I think I might even be able to shower alone now.”

  “Don’t rush; I like helping,” Ryan said, grinning. She looked at the stove and calculated that dinner was imminent. “Speaking of which, I’d better go shower and change.”

  “Eh … don’t bother. You can get clean enough to eat by washing your hands and face at the sink.”

  Looking down on her dusty, slightly damp clothes, Ryan said, “You sure?”

  “Yeah. You can shower before bed.” She went to the cabinet and took out plates and glasses.

  Uncertainly, Ryan took a peek at Jamie. “Why don’t you mind if I look like this?”

  Jamie smiled at her and gave her a quick tap on her butt. “Not much difference, honey. A T-shirt and sweats is a T-shirt and sweats. A little added dust won’t hurt.”

  Ryan reached out and stopped Jamie’s progress. “Hey,” she said, making eye contact, “what did that mean?”

  Blinking, Jamie said, “Nothing. It just seems like a senseless delay to go shower when I know you’re hungry. You’re not gonna get the food dirty.” She laughed a little, but trailed off when she saw the look on Ryan’s face.

  “No. I meant what you said about the T-shirt and sweats.”

  “Nothing,” Jamie moved away and went into the dining room to put the plates on the table. Ryan was right on her heels, and Jamie said, “I didn’t mean anything, honey. It’s just that since you’ve been playing sports, you don’t generally vary your wardrobe much. No big deal.”

  “Really?” Ryan grasped her arm and held her still. “You don’t mind?”

  “No. It makes sense. When we first met, you weren’t playing a sport. It’s understandable that you spent more time on looking nice when you didn’t have to change three times a day.”

  Ryan let her go and slowly followed her into the kitchen. She went to the sink and washed her face and hands, then took the brush Jamie had bought for her and scrubbed under her nails. She was still working diligently when Jamie scratched her back and said, “Dinner’s on the table. Let’s go.”

  Nodding, Ryan dried her hands and followed her. Ungainly, she stood behind her chair and fussed with her hair, smoothing it back into a neater-looking ponytail.

  Seeing the look on her face, Jamie stood by her and put an arm around her waist. “Before dinner kiss?”

  Ryan complied, brushing her lips quickly. “Looks good,” she said, nodding at the dinner.

  “Thanks. Now sit down and tell me about your day.”

  Ryan didn’t have much to report, so she listened to Jamie talk about a few things that had happened to her at school. “Oh, Anna said she could see me earlier in the day, since I don’t have golf anymore.”

  Lifting an eyebrow, Ryan said, “I didn’t know that was something you wanted to do.”

  “Yeah. I’d like to be home earlier so I can take a little more time with dinner. I hate to rush.”

  Spending a moment looking at her, Ryan said, “You made this fantastic dinner from scratch, you look like a million bucks, your hair’s perfect, you’ve got just the right amount of perfume on and you brushed your teeth seconds before I got home. I could taste the mint on your lips.”

  Shrugging, Jamie said, “So?”

  “You’re always trying,” Ryan said. “You go out of your way to look nice and smell nice and make our home nice. And you do most of it for me.”

  “Yeah …” Looking puzzled, Jamie said, “Is that a surprise?”

  “No, no, not a surprise, but I’m not keeping up my end of the deal. I’m not making that extra effort … making sure I look nice for you.”

  “Oh, don’t be silly. You always look good to me. You’re so beautiful you don’t need to make an extra effort.”

  “That’s not true,” Ryan said earnestly. “I really noticed you today. And it made me feel good. Made me feel like I was important.”

  “Jeez, Ryan, of course you’re important!”

  She reached across the table and took Jamie’s hand. “But you make the effort to show me that. That’s important. I appreciate it.” She kissed Jamie’s hand tenderly. “I really appreciate it.”

  “You’re such a sweet girl.” Jamie pushed aside her plate and got up, standing by Ryan’s chair while she pushed away from the table. “Let me sit on your lap.”

  Ryan smiled at her as Jamie squirmed around, getting comfortable. They kissed, slowly, for a few minutes, until Jamie put her forehead against Ryan’s and took in a few slow breaths. “You take my breath away … every time,” Ryan murmured.

  “I don’t wanna take your dinner away. I know how hungry you are.” She started to get up, but Ryan held onto her.

  “I’m hungry for you too,” she whispered and lavished several more heated kisses on her partner.

  “Mmm,” Jamie said, licking her lips. “You might not be dressed well, but you sure as heck can kiss!”

  Ryan was in her room working at her computer, when Jamie came in to get ready for bed. Ryan dutifully helped Jamie take off her blouse, since putting clothes on was easier than taking them off. “Want a T-shirt?” Ryan asked.

  “Yeah. I’ll go get one.”

  “I’ll give you one. You like ’em big anyway.”

  “It’s not that I like them that big, I just like to wear your clothes.”

  “Ally’s the only woman I could do that with,” Ryan said wistfully. She opened a drawer of shirts that Ally had given her over the years and chose a nice, bright yellow one. Tugging it over Jamie’s head, she asked, “Mind if I take your splint off? I wanna see how it works.”

  “No. Go ahead. Wanna try it on?”

  “Nah. I’ve had enough casts, not much allure there.” She gently undid the Velcro straps and slipped off the plastic pieces. “Cute little sleeve.”

  Jamie looked at the snug knit piece of material that covered her arm from wrist to shoulder. “That’s so the plastic doesn’t stick to me. Thoughtful, huh?”

  “Yep.” Ryan drew it off her arm, wincing and making a face at the Technicolor bruising. “How does it feel?”

  “Not too bad. It aches a little, but not much.”

  “This is some bruise. I think I’ll take a picture so you remember the only significant injury you’re ever going to have.” She leaned over and kissed several spots, touching blue, purple, and maroon skin. “My poor little chipmunk.”

  “Chipmunk?”

  Sliding the sleeve back on, Ryan started to
reassemble the splint. “You seemed chipmunkish just then. What did the doctor tell you about using your arm?”

  “He said I should keep it elevated when I can, and that it’s okay to use my hand. I haven’t felt like it, though. It’s still too stiff and swollen.”

  Ryan held her hand and inspected it. “Can you flex it?”

  Jamie did, lips pursed as she slowly moved her hand. “It doesn’t look or feel like my own hand. It’s weird.”

  Ryan nodded her understanding. “It is a weird feeling, isn’t it? A swollen hand always feels like I’m wearing a tight rubber glove.”

  “Hey, it does!” Jamie said, her nose wrinkling when she smiled.

  “You’re doing well, babe. When we’re sitting around in the evening, you can still keep ice on it. That’ll help the swelling.”

  “I forget to do that.”

  Ryan kissed her gently. “Then I’ll remember for you. Need help in the bathroom?”

  “I can manage. It’s much easier when I’m not wearing pants.”

  “Most things are,” Ryan said, giving her a wicked grin.

  Jamie went into the bathroom and started to brush her teeth. She emerged a few seconds later, her mouth covered with white foam. “Nice shirt.” She glanced down at the slogan, then back at her partner.

  Grinning, Ryan looked up. “A girl can hope.”

  Jamie took the brush from her mouth and leaned over, wiping her mouth on Ryan’s cheek. “Such a bad girl.”

  Ryan wiped the bubbles from her face, saying, “I don’t think I’ve ever worn that one.”

  “If I see you walking around town with an ‘I’ve saved you a seat’ shirt on, you’re not gonna be sitting anywhere for a while.”

  “It’s not the words,” Ryan decided, grinning, “it’s the arrow pointing at your face that gives it meaning.”

  “That’s the meaning that’ll get your hide tanned, O’Flaherty. That seat is reserved for moi!”

  After a relatively somber lunch, Jordan took Mia to the airport for her late afternoon flight. When they got there, Jordan started to head for short-term parking, but Mia said, “Just drop me off, Jordy. It’s easier for me.”