Of course, Pearl will never forget her mother’s slap, but it seems that with the slap her mother released her anger and shock and then was able to face Pearl. Her father simply never discusses the abuse. Although the Filipino culture is considered a matriarchy, it still teaches girls and women to defer to boys and men, especially in the family. Parents of many cultural persuasions can be expected to be anxious to deny that their child has been abused, especially by a relative. It just brings up too many tricky emotions.
One of the things many girls have told me is that it often isn’t until their parents can look them in the eye again that they feel they can look in the mirror. Girls can stay stuck in their shame when their parents are stuck in their own grief, shock, despair, and pity. Daughters need to know that they are not the three Ds: dirty, damaged, defective. They need their parents to be able to look them in the eye—and work out their discomfort away from their daughters—so that they can help their daughters feel all right in their own skins again.
In her book Lucky, Alice Sebold talks about her first encounter with her mother after she had to phone her and tell her she had been brutally raped by a stranger in the park the night before. She said that when she saw her mother, with all her fresh energy, she knew she could handle things and get through the rest of the day.
Ironically, teen girls and young women can rebound from trauma more quickly than their loving parents do. But it is the loving parents who speed up the healing, just by their love.
CHAPTER 15
FINDING YOUR SUPPORT POSSE
When you are a survivor of sexual abuse, and especially of incest, trust is hard to come by. You can start to believe that no one in the world will help you. Your abuser has put the blame on you or convinced you that what he is doing is right. Just as Coral’s father told her, men tell girls that sex is a rite of passage, “like a bat mitzvah.” You may feel too isolated to know that there really is help and support out there.
As strange as it may seem to you, most families would be completely devastated if their daughters were abused, and, frankly, so would most people. For all the crass commercials and obscene music videos out there, there’s also a tremendous movement against the tide of abuse, and it’s beginning to work. By telling your truth, you are adding force to that movement. There are more women judges, more women lawyers, more feminists, both male and female, in the criminal justice system, more advocates for children. And more people than ever are willing to speak out loud and in public about sexual abuse. When the news broke that Harvey Weinstein was a serial sexual abuser, many other survivor voices came forward. We all need to keep the #MeToo movement powerful and alive, because we know that sexual-abuse survivors are stronger than their abusers. The more we speak out in support of those reclaiming their voices, the more we end the culture around sexual abuse.
We are also seeing more and more grassroots efforts at change—from individuals to organizations, schools, hospitals, crisis centers, and websites. As I see it, each of these represents a piece of that mosaic we spoke about earlier—the incredible mosaic of our movement to combat sexual abuse.
There are women and men, mothers and fathers, teachers and counselors, nurses and doctors, lawyers and judges across the country reaching out to young people trying to make a difference. There are rape crisis centers at most colleges and universities. There are groups for survivors as well as individual counseling. And, as sexist as much of the music culture is, some feminist musicians have come out with songs about their abuse, including Tori Amos, who started the Rape and Incest National Network (RAINN), and Ani DiFranco, who sings about women’s empowerment and started her own record label, Righteous Babe Records, because she would not be packaged by the corporate music industry.
Young women are putting out beautiful videos celebrating womanhood in all its glorious power, strength, and diversity! Colbie Caillat released “Try,” a beautiful song and video in 2014. Lyrics include “you don’t have to try so hard, you don’t have to give it all away, take your makeup off, let your hair down, take a breath, look in the mirror at yourself, don’t you like yourself, ’cause I like you.” The girls and women in the video make strong statements about the pressures of living up to beauty standards while they celebrate themselves. Solange’s 2016 release of “Don’t Touch My Hair” is the antithesis of the sexualization of black and brown women that is so prevalent in music videos. Solange calmly sings, “Don’t touch my hair, don’t touch soul, when it’s the rhythm I know, don’t touch my pride, they say the glory’s all mine, don’t test my mouth, they say the truth is my sound.” She and the other women of color in the video are all strong and proud. Young Muslim independent artist Mona Haydar released a powerful music video “ Hijabi—Wrap My Hijab” in 2017 with women from all over the world proudly wearing their hijabs. Some lyrics include “all around the world love women every shade, be so liberated, make a feminist planet, all haters get banished.” Although the music video industry is still primarily run by men and sexualizes girls and women, these young women are speaking out against misogyny loud and clear!
BOYS WILL BE BOYS… NOT ALWAYS
Long before the media blitz around sex abuse, there have even been some men from major rock bands who have come forward to take a very visible stand against rape. At the 1999 MTV awards, the Beastie Boys condemned Limp Bizkit for the several rapes that happened at Woodstock 1999. They attributed the rapes to the lyrics of a Limp Bizkit song played at the festival that actually encouraged men to rape women. The Red Hot Chili Peppers have taken a stand, too, through their support of RAINN, which by the way has a man for president! Film director Tim Roth has also championed the issue of preventing sexual abuse of girls. His movie The War Zone is about a boy who wanted to kill his father for molesting his sister. In 2018 director Michel Hazanavicius launched the #WeToo hashtag for men in support of women fighting sexual harassment and abuse. He wanted to make sure supportive men’s voices were heard loud and clear. There are some organizations for men to stop violence against girls and women (see our Resource Center).
Boys and young men are under tremendous pressure to adopt the role of the “mac daddy” even though most girls just want to take things slow and have the time and space to explore their sexuality, and don’t just want to “fuck.” Those boys who want sincere friendships with girls are put down as wimps.
There are young men volunteering at rape crisis hotlines and helping escort girls on campus at night. And more and more fathers are showing their wives and daughters respect as equals and taking pride in their daughters’ physical strength and accomplishments. Men of all ages are marching with women to stop violence against women.
Yes, we have a long way to go in changing our sexist culture, but there are many people out there helping us move to a better place. They are doing it in response to the outrageous truths that girls and women have been willing to share. Every time a survivor breaks the taboo of sexual abuse and speaks out, she helps the culture of boys and men by teaching everyone what sexual abuse does to a person, the pain that’s involved, the displaced emotions of shame and guilt. This is a bottom-up movement all the way. Now conversations about sexual misconduct, rape, and sexual violation are going on all around us. Finally, the culture seems to be beginning to listen. Every girl who tells her truth and heals from sexual abuse helps another girl to tell her story and heal.
LIFE GOES ON
You may never be able to heal the damage done in your family. You may hate your abuser forever; you may struggle with forgiving your mother for letting the incest or other abuse happen. You may even need to separate from your family and create a new one. Girls often have to create new chosen families and new support systems that they can count on as they move forward.
But please know help is out there. You’ll be surprised at how many people will join you in your anger at your abuser, join you in your healing process. Yes, getting your posse together can take time. You sometimes need great patience. But don’t give up. If at f
irst you don’t get the response you are looking for from the people you tell, find others. Join a survivors’ group. Talk to an aunt or a cousin or someone you can really trust. Call a hotline. Find parts of our book that are a comfort and keep going back to those sections that help you. You will find your support system.
All sexual-abuse survivors are righteous and strong. Remember sexual abuse knows no color or faith, no wealth or poverty, and healing knows no boundaries! You are beautiful, you are strong, you are determined. You have agency! Your abuse is just a part of you, a part of your past. It does not define you. It is something that was done to you. You cannot undo it, but you can heal from it and lead a wonderful, blessed life filled with success, love, fulfillment, power, creativity, and healing. There are people out there who will help you—good people who will love you and whom you will love. Always know you are so much more than what was done to you. Thank you for joining us on this journey of surviving and thriving after sexual abuse. You can move out of the darkness of abuse into the light of life.
Remember the brave girl who told us:
Out of all the piles of dirt, garbage, and shit we have been handed, we can grow a patch daisies.
I know it’s true. I see girls do it every day, and I can see your beautiful gardens growing already.
CHAPTER 16
FLOWERS BLOOM
Updates on Zinnia, Lily, Coral, Garnet, Topaz, Sage, Ivy, Jasmine, Iris, Dahlia, Pearl, Ruby Rose
This book was ten years in the making, and, with subsequent editions, fifteen. Over the course of these years, many of the girls who shared their stories in the book have come back to see me. Even though many have moved to different States and some even to different countries, we’ve stayed in touch. They have grown, changed, and gotten way beyond their abuse. I was the first person most of these beautiful girls shared their experiences with. It’s a strong link that connects us, even when we are out of touch.
The girls in the stories you have witnessed have continued and moved past their abuse. No matter what abuse you have suffered through—incest, rape, or mentor abuse—you too will have a life filled with love and hope. And if you have joined us in these journeys and you have not been abused, our hope is that our words have brought you a depth of understanding. None of us can sit back as witnesses to the misogyny in the world. We all need to link hands in the sisterhood of protecting and respecting all girls and women. There is life after sexual abuse. I see it every day. And here’s your chance to see it with me. The flowers have bloomed.
Zinnia, who escaped her torture by cataloging flowers and building beautiful homes in the woods has actually become a social justice lawyer. She prosecutes pedophiles and helps girls and women in the court system. She is happily coupled with another woman, and they live and work together with their three cats and two dogs in a farmhouse in Montana.
Lily, the girl who survived abuse by imagining herself as a superhero, called me a few years ago about her first social work case. She had successfully fought to have an abused survivor removed from her abuser-father’s home and was feeling really victorious about her work. She was partnered with a woman who she called the love of her life for five years at the time of her call.
Coral, whose father raped her for so many years in Holland, is happily married with twin daughters and three cats. She and her husband are restoring their historical home in Vermont. Her mother divorced her father. Coral has set up boundaries with her mother, and she has totally cut her abuser out of her life. Coral continues to compose music and give music lessons to children.
Garnet, the girl whose father raped both her and her sister, came back a couple of years after she wrote her story. She is a preschool teacher. Her sister, who, you’ll recall, had been living on the streets as a prostitute, is now living with Garnet and her husband. She showed up on Garnet’s doorstep one day, and Garnet has helped her get off drugs. She remains in a drug treatment day program, and she and Garnet joined forces in pursuing charges against their father. They have a court date to prosecute their father. Neither one is in touch with their mother.
Topaz, who was molested by her brother, came back to therapy a few years ago. She came out as gay when she turned twenty. Because she had fallen in love with a fabulous woman, she was worried she would screw up this great relationship. With a few months of therapy, she got on track. She is an artist and is now living with her girlfriend, who is also an artist, in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Sage, the topless dancer, came to see me five years after our therapy ended. She’d move to another state, gotten married, and had a baby. She told me how much she loved her husband and how she has made a family totally different from her family of origin. At the time of her visit, she was twenty-nine and working part time teaching art to children. Seeing her doing so well, I was overwhelmed with joy that generations of abuse in Sage’s family had stopped, and I was so moved when Sage let me hold her daughter. She said, “Patti, I can’t tell you how much joy I get from my daughter and the knowledge that she’ll never be abused like I was.”
Ivy, who was molested by her friend’s father, the rabbi, had a rough start at college. She took a year off and lived in Israel. She enrolled in Tel Aviv University and graduated with honors. She is happily single, working at a tech start-up and living in Haifa, Israel.
Amber, who suffered from acquaintance abuse at her camp when she was twelve, has become a florist. She called to tell me she just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. She lives and works in Paris with her husband.
Jasmine, who was sexually abused in Israel, has graduated from college, lives in New York, and works at the United Nations. She earned her PhD in international relations, and she ended up marrying the boy she dated in high school eight years after they met.
Iris, who was brutally date-raped, ended up becoming a journalist. She travels the world and writes about different cultures. She is kick-ass assertive and happily single.
Dahlia, who was gang-raped and spent years battling anorexia, has started volunteering at a rape hotline while in graduate school pursuing a career in journalism. She has conquered her eating disorder. She waitresses to make extra money and has learned to stand up for herself with inappropriate diners. She says each time she does this she feels stronger.
Ruby Rose, who left “the life,” has graduated with honors with her pre-med bachelor’s degree. Girlthrive sponsored a summer in Peru for her to attend a medical training program. She is attending an Ivy League medical school where she is specializing in woman’s health. She is a tenacious young woman!
Pearl, whose uncle molested her, has graduated college, where she majored in art and design. After reporting her uncle when she was seventeen years old, other girls and women from his community whom he had abused came forward. He is serving eight years in prison for the molestation of Pearl and three other girls. Pearl has left that behind her and is a website designer living in Brooklyn, New York, with her younger sister, who is forever grateful to Pearl for saving her from abuse!
All these girls have found strength in becoming visible. They have told their truths. Every time a girl comes forward with her truth, opening Pandora’s box with her story of sexual abuse, she too becomes visible. By telling your story, you not only ensure your own healing, but you help other girls to come forward, too. Together, we are inching our way toward a future where men can no longer get away with sexually abusing girls and women.
It is the girls and the women, the mothers and daughters, the aunts, sisters, and nieces—there is nothing more powerful than the chorus of girls and women coming together with such fierce determination, all in the name of sisterhood. Together, we will transform that pile of shit into a huge field of daisies. I know we can.
CHAPTER 17
FIVE YEARS OF E-MAILS AND LETTERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
Girls Become More and More Visible Every Day
GIRLS’ STRENGTH AND HEALING
For me, one of the most extraordinary parts of the experience of publishing
this book has been the connections I have made with girls and their allies from all over the world. I continue to receive amazing e-mails, letters, and phone calls from girls and young women who are opening up about their sexual abuse. They’re not just writing to thank me for my book, but being extraordinarily loving and open about their truth.
I find it so profound that, no matter where it happens or to whom or how or when or how often, sexual abuse has the same impact. As you can tell from their letters, at least for a time so many girls carry guilt around with them like rocks in their pockets. If they don’t blame themselves outright, they at least live with a ton of confusion about what happened to them and why. It is so important that we all work together to change this. I can’t repeat this often enough: Sexual abuse is never the survivor’s fault!! Never, never, never.
Most of these girls and women originally wrote to tell me how Invisible Girls changed their lives. They wanted to share their opening up, their new strength and resolve. They wanted me to hear their stories of fighting back and making their way back to life.
They add to the chorus of voices already in the book, but from the perspective of having had the chance to read other girls’ stories and reflect on what those stories and my advice meant to them. They have been changed by reading the stories of the deep, involved work of my clients who experienced sexual abuse and came through it to thrive. They found comfort in my clinical guidance throughout the book, and now they join those girls in wanting to become visible and stop suffering in silence. Together, girls like this, girls like you, are releasing their traumas and healing, changing the culture, and making girls stronger and more righteous every day!
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