There’s also an extraordinary eloquence and grace in the ways girls get through abuse. Here are their stories, in their words. (I have edited some of the letters and changed the locations to protect the identities of the girls.) Here is proof positive of how wonderful, amazing, and resilient girls can be. I am blessed to know you all.
THEIR STORIES
These are just a handful of the amazing e-mails I receive. I have tried to include the many different topics people write to me about, including brother-sister incest, date rape, father-daughter incest, mothers’ responses, lovers’ questions, sex trafficking, as well as healing letters. All the e-mails are remarkable; this is just a few of the gems.
Most of the girls who write to me about brother-sister abuse are quite young, and in most of these cases the sister finds out that her brother was also abused at some point in his life. Often the brother’s abuse of the sister goes on for years without anyone knowing. And it’s often the girl who puts a stop to it when she reaches adolescence and begins to come into her own. She’s starting to move forward into relationships of her own and somehow finds the strength to interrupt the abuse. Or it stops when the brother gets a girlfriend or boyfriend.
He Can Never Hurt Me Again
Hey, Dr. Patti,
I am writing to you from England. I just finished reading Invisible Girls, and it has given me so much insight into sexual abuse and the effects it has on its survivors. Growing up I always felt like I was the only person I knew who was being or had been sexually abused, but after reading your book I realized that really I probably do know other girls that have been abused, it’s just that they’re as good at hiding it as I am!
There was so much in the book that made me think, “Hey, that’s exactly how I feel” or “That’s what I do.” I found that really encouraging, even just to know that other abuse survivors struggle with low self-esteem, fear of sex and intimacy, panic attacks, poor relationships with their mothers, and perfectionism.
It’s also really good to know that I don’t have to forgive him to heal. Someday I might be able to, but right now I can’t. I hate him! He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. Whenever I see him I can’t help making really sarcastic and mean comments. My mum keeps saying that all I do is sit there and rip him off, but, trust me, that’s a lot better than what I would like to do to him! She also says it’s like I don’t like him or something. Gee, I wonder why!
Reading Topaz’s story, I saw so many similarities between her life and mine! Her parents getting divorced and then not having any contact with her dad, her mum not being there when she was younger due to work and being left home alone with her brother. Just like Topaz, I didn’t talk about personal things with my mum or really connect to her. The only thing she ever seemed that concerned with was my schoolwork. And about Topaz’s mum and brother fighting—my brother was always fighting with my mum and pretty much everyone else. I actually kind of felt sorry for him. We were really different, and he never really fitted in.
One thing that really jumped out at me was the part where Topaz said, “This was probably the most confusing time in my life. As much as my body was reacting, in my mind I knew it was gross, it was wrong, and yet I didn’t stop it.” I totally related to this statement, it was like I had said it, like it had come out of my mouth. It wasn’t until my brother got a serious girlfriend that he left me alone physically, but there was still that constant fear that he would start again.
When the physical abuse finished, the verbal abuse would start. He would always talk about how I looked and tell me in detail what he had done with his girlfriend. When he moved out for university was when I finally got away from it all.
Reading Invisible Girls helps me to see that I am safe now. I am away from him, and he can never hurt me again, even if I see him. I am visible to myself. Thank you and all the girls who shared their stories.
XO,
Nera
Something we didn’t address in Invisible Girls is teenage pregnancy. I know girls who got pregnant as young as fourteen or fifteen here in New York City, and I receive heartbreaking e-mails from girls who live in rural areas and tell me they gave birth to their “daddy’s” baby. Even in the most awful situation, these girls seem to surpass their circumstance and love their babies with all their hearts. They become the protective mother they never had.
I Love My Baby Girl
Dear Dr. Patti,
When I was fourteen, I told my mom that my uncle had been forcing himself on me on and off for two years. She said it was my fault and yelled at me for being a big flirt. I got pregnant when I was fifteen. The father was my boyfriend. He was twenty-seven at the time. I knew I would have the baby (a beautiful girl) and, even though my mom pressured me to marry the dad when I turned seventeen, I refused. My baby is my whole life. Sometimes I think she’s the only person who ever really loved me. I love her and she just loves me back. Nothing twisted or weird.
I’m no longer with my baby’s father, and things are pretty hard for me and her. (My mom is almost totally out of the picture now.) I get really lonely sometimes, and it’s also hard for me to leave her with other people. I am like a fierce hawk who won’t let anyone mess with her baby birds. A friend gave me a copy of Invisible Girls, and I’m beginning to put things together—like maybe I got involved with an older guy because I thought he would take care of me and protect me after the abuse and my mother not supporting me and all (my uncle is her brother, by the way). He was a pretty good guy, but he had a lot of problems, too. Things are really hard right now, but I’m back in school (this school has a nursery, which is amazing), and I am just trying to get my life together. Reading about the other girls has really helped me feel a lot less alone, and it is helping me stop feeling like I should have or could have done something to stop my uncle or get my mother to believe that it wasn’t my fault.
Thanks.
Destiny
I love hearing from girls who discover the book on a trip to the bookstore and find themselves sitting on the floor of the store just reading and reading. Many of these girls tell me they didn’t necessarily buy the book that first day but went back for it later, even a week later or more. I cannot tell you the thrill it gives me to know that on any random day a girl may stumble onto our book and find hope and healing.
Reading and Healing
Dear Dr. Patti,
I live in downtown Minneapolis. About two weeks ago I saw your book at a bookstore and just picked it up and bought it, like for some reason I knew I should read it. When I got to the chapter about incest with a brother, I wept and wept and was relieved in a way to know that it was not my fault and that I wasn’t a sick and gross person for being physically aroused by that.
I finally called a counselor last week who read your book, and she gave me some really awesome advice. I also called one of my good friends and shared with her on a deeper level just how humiliated I was and how deep it really was. I have always felt that the abuse was my fault because I never said no, my voice was always stuck in my throat. I avoided him, I tried to keep him away from me at all costs, but I never could say no, I only went numb. I knew no one would help me. I was always too scared. But reading your book I realized that maybe it wasn’t my fault and that I was abused by this man since he was so much older than me. Why is that so terrifying to admit? Also that I may have been abused by several men rather than just my brother? It is much easier to blame myself, but I just hated myself. I always thought I was so gross and ugly.
But, Dr. Patti, for the first time in a long time, I feel hope. I feel like there is hope for me, and I am going to continue to work on this and let it come out. I have about twenty years of rage stuffed into my heart.
Whenever I start to blame myself, I open up Invisible Girls and find stories of other girls like me. Of course, I know it wasn’t their fault, and that gives me hope.
Thank you, Dr. Patti. God bless you and the girls, thank you.
Sharon
I knew that Chapt
er 6, “Girls’ Genius,” was monumental. We were among the first to tell the clinical community and the community of survivors that dissociation is a healthy tool that girls use to get through sexual abuse. We made it clear that this is a mechanism of creativity that girls are able to tap into while they are being abused. We got to see deep inside the alternate worlds girls create to live through their abuse. You see, girls really are geniuses at getting through their abuse. I often get beautiful thank-you e-mails from girls and women who want to tell me that they, too, have created these worlds and it is such a comfort to be acknowledged for their strength.
My World of Make-Believe
Dear Dr. Patti,
I would first like to say thank you for writing Invisible Girls. I am a twenty-six-year-old woman living in Alaska. I have read almost the whole book over the last three days, and it has giving me such a different view about my past. The part of your book that helped me the most was the stories written by Zinnia and Lily. You see, I was abused by one of my parents’ sons for a long period of time. I have to word it the way I did because I can’t use the b-word without getting physically ill. Because of what happened I created my own world. I always felt safe there, and I could go there whenever I needed. I always thought I was crazy because of this. And knowing that I had this other world in my mind made me feel as if I was completely alone. Knowing that there are others out there who do this as well, who can stand up and tell it to the world, makes me think that there may be hope for me too. Thank you for your time and again, thank you for Invisible Girls.
Rachel
I am always so encouraged to hear from girls who have found solace by talking to counselors who understand about sexual abuse and who help girls realize it is not their fault. As I talked about in Chapter 13, the chapter about getting help, it is very important that you trust and like your therapist, much less important what degrees she has.
Counseling Helps
Hi, Dr. Patti,
My name is Jackie. I’m fourteen years old, and I live in a small rural town in Texas. When I was thirteen, my brother’s best friend molested me. I told my parents, and they talked to him and then told me to keep quiet about the whole situation. After that I never went to my parents for anything ever again. But recently I started to get counseling, and I’m trying to change things around in my life. Because now I know that other girls have told their secrets, and they found safe people to tell even when their parents wouldn’t help them. I really like my counselor, and she also has a copy of Invisible Girls. We talk about the different chapters in our counseling sessions. It has helped me to open up.
I read your book every night. It makes me feel safe just knowing that I’m not the only girl in the world who feels like me. If it wasn’t for your book, I probably would not be here today. I just wanted to say thank you for writing such a beautiful book. I will never forget the wonderful things it showed me, how to heal and recover. I open it up and read it whenever I want to feel that someone is listening. It helps me to go on. God bless you.
With love and hope,
Jackie
One thing that stands out in so many of the e-mails I receive is how girls are really tuning in to each other. Girls can be wonderful friends to each other. It’s really heartening and important. I constantly hear from girls who are worried about a friend, girls who are protecting their friends and supporting them, listening to them, helping them find more support. It is also really vital to support yourself, take care of yourself, protect yourself.
Protecting Myself
Dear Dr. Patti,
I am writing you from a small town in New Mexico. I have been confused about my rape, and Invisible Girls has helped me see that I am not alone. I also feel ready to change some of my behaviors now! When reading the date rape section, I started recognizing some of my behaviors, and it gave some insight into why I do them.
When I go out with friends, I am either the girl who gets so drunk she can hardly remember the night out, or else the completely sober one who makes sure her drunk girlfriends get home safely. I won’t leave them until I know they are safely tucked away for the night and no one can hurt them. I just seem to become super-protective. After reading your book, I’m thinking I will keep being protective of my friends, but now I will also be more protective of myself.
I also learned that it is normal not to feel. I have only ever gotten close to one guy and tried to be intimate with him. I liked him, but I couldn’t connect with him. This was the first time I had done anything sexual with a guy other than kissing, and even though I did like him, while he was doing it, all those memories I had stored away came back to me, and I pretty much froze. I couldn’t differentiate between what was done to me during the abuse from what this guy who I knew wouldn’t hurt me was doing now. So I just lay there and let him do it. This was what I was used to doing during the abuse. I would just lie there while he did what he had to do, and then when he was done he would just get up and leave.
During the abuse I would often get aroused, even though I wasn’t enjoying it and didn’t want to. This time I actually did want to feel something, but the abuse held me back. I just lay there and let him do his thing, expecting that when he was done he would just leave, like I was used to. But he didn’t leave.
Eventually, I rolled over and put my pants back on. He asked if I was alright, and I just nodded and left the room. I felt so freaked out and confused and had to have some time to myself. When I came back I just acted like nothing had happened and everything was fine! It was the act that I was so good at putting on coming through again. After reading Invisible Girls I know that shame is a normal part of sex abuse and sexual violation. Now I just have to work out how to get past it. Every day I get stronger!
Thank you and thanks to all the great girls in your book.
Love,
Tate
When a girl is rescued from being abducted and finds solace, strength, and confidence in our book, it reinforces the urgency of the writing of Invisible Girls. This letter brings us full circle from the beginning of the book, talking about how it is so important not to let the years of keeping the sexual abuse secret prevent you from facing your truths and starting your healing journey. But this story has a happy ending, with a mother beginning to break the cycle of abuse by rescuing her daughter and supporting her with love.
Sexually Trafficked—Rescued by My Mom
Dear Dr. Patti,
Thank you for writing Invisible Girls. It has broken open so many truths in my family that could not come out before. I am an incest survivor at the hands of my stepfather. I never told about the abuse and was suicidal and hospitalized when I was seventeen years old, still never telling. Shortly after getting out of the hospital on my eighteenth birthday, I was lured into the sex trade by being sexually trafficked. What started out in Texas, where I am from, ended up near Colorado. They drugged me every day, and I could barely remember my name. They sent in man after man to motel after motel. I had no idea where I was. I would open my eyes from time to time and see highway signs.
Before I was lured into being trafficked, I was so depressed, and I felt like no one cared enough. And yet being trafficked I was terrified day after day, and I realized I needed to escape. But I did not have my cell phone, and, every time I was sort of awake, they drugged me again. But it turns out that during this time my mother went on all social media, called police, detectives, judges, went to hotel after hotel with my picture, and contacted an underground network to rescue girls who had been trafficked. The traffickers saw my picture on the Internet, on the newscasts, and heard my mother, and they realized that I had support, and they got so scared they would get caught, they let me go. Within eight days I was rescued by my mother. I returned home a total mess. I was happy that my mother rescued me, but I was defeated and scared and totally traumatized. About a week after I was rescued, my mother’s friend told her about a book that she read that really helped her heal from the incest she suffered at the hands of her u
ncle. The book was Invisible Girls.
When my mom gave me the book, I was feeling so alone and depressed. But when I read that there are other survivors out there and how other girls overcame their nightmares, I knew I could too. My mom and I read the book together, and I told my mom about the incest. Although my parents were divorced for two years by now and I never saw my stepfather, my mom went to the police to get an order of protection out against him. As she read the book, my mom started crying and hugging me, and for the first time she admitted to me that she also suffered incest, but her mother never protected her. Invisible Girls has given us both so much hope and insights. We are closer because of this book, and I no longer feel I am a victim. I have faith, and I am joining the survivors in this book. If you are still in touch with the girls in the book, please tell them I say thank you for giving me back my life—and my mom’s.
Love,
Maria
Girls never cease to amaze me—their strength, grit, and courage, their ability to be resilient and get past abuse and then turn it into something powerful and positive in their lives. Many girls have found strength by speaking out about their experiences and helping other girls. When you speak out, if you reach just one girl, you are helping to change the world.
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