The Wilder World

by Jeff Hook

  “This is just a misunderstanding,” said Guffy, suddenly panicked. “They’ll let us collect taxes if we give them real proof.”

  The two crew members laughed. “You’re a riot, Gum-Gum,” said the first.

  “Wait,” said the other, “we’re about to miss the good part.”

  On shore, Sam had the blacksmith lifted up off the ground, the man’s legs kicking against empty air until suddenly they didn’t kick any more. Sam tossed the body onto the ground like a ragdoll.

  “Hurt one of my men,” he roared, “and there will be a hundred more like that.”

  The rest of the townspeople ran away.

  “No flash,” complained a crew member.

  “Maybe next time.”

  “Did he…” Guffy was shocked. “Did he just kill that man?”

  “Who cares? It’s time for looting!”

  Suddenly Guffy realized, far later than he should have, that these former pirates might not be the good guys.

  ——

  Syldris knew she couldn’t just sail off, not without an entire crew backing her. She also couldn’t blend into the population, not with her deformities.

  That was why she needed a tool.

  Something that could destroy tin.

  This town had nothing for her. No interesting powers, no hidden stash of Corgi tech — any high-powered resident would have already come out to defend the place, and this town was too small to have anyone rich enough for a crystal blaster.

  Syldris watched with muted pleasure as a man’s blood leaked onto the ground. She would have to take what small satisfactions she could.

  Freeing one person at a time didn’t do much for her any more. There was so much injustice in the world, so many perpetrators of cruel tyranny, that bringing down one oppressive idiot at a time would never bring about true justice.

  Still, she could help free this town. Bring down the leaders who oppressed them, leave the other villagers free to live their lives without judgment or limits… at least until a new set of oppressors rose up. Maybe this would be the one to take the opportunity she’d given them and create a paradise of equality and justice, but she couldn’t count on that. To ensure lasting justice she’d need to take Sam’s place, then take down the oppressive agencies that had sent them on this mission, then burn down this world and create a new one where no one would ever again be spat upon for how they were born. A new world where the perpetrator class would live in fear and terror while the world’s subjugated masses could breathe easy.

  “My husband!” screamed the brainwashed fool. “You killed my husband!”

  Syldris grabbed the woman by the hair, pulled her up from the chair and looked hard into her blackened eye, doing her the courtesy of ignoring the shriveled legs that dangled uselessly. “We have achieved justice here today, you and I. He thought he could get away with it because you’re a cripple. Because you’re different. But I know what it’s like to be persecuted because of differences you can’t control. I—”

  “You monster!” sobbed the woman. “How will my children eat?”

  She lowered the woman back into the chair. Sometimes people took time to see their true situation. “I wish you could come with me. I wish you could help save the rest. One day, you’ll see I’m right. Farewell.”

  When Syldris stepped back onto the street she was reminded of all the injustice left to correct. All the poor hurt souls who were hated and oppressed because of traits they couldn’t control… and all the horrible people who did the hurting.

  It usually started with the leader. Compassionless, hateful leaders.

  She found the biggest house in the village. That was where he — it was always a he — would live.

  He couldn’t hurt anyone if he was dead.

  ——

  Guffy ran down the street, his arm extending twenty feet to push a woman away from a sword stroke. Even from this distance he could hear the pirate’s curse and the thunk of the woman’s body hitting the dirt.

  He wrapped his arm around the swordsman and pulled him close. “What are you doing?”

  The swordsman groaned in response.

  The first man, the one that Sam had killed, he’d been guilty of tax evasion. Guffy could see that now.

  The others, however, the lives taken by Syldris and the swordsmen… those killings seemed more like murder.

  “Seriously, let me go,” said the swordsman. “If you help the tax evaders, I’ll have to assume you’re a rebel.”

  “Don’t hurt people,” said Guffy.

  The man pulled back his sword and prepared to strike. Guffy extended the arm that wrapped the pirate, snaking it around until he controlled the man’s sword arm as well.

  “Let go!” said the pirate.

  “Are you going to behave?”

  The pirate wrinkled his nose in disgust and spat.

  “Fine.” Guffy extended his free arm and looped it around until it hit the pirate in the back of the head and knocked him out cold. “Everybody stop killing!” he yelled.

  Everyone ignored him.

  He extended his other arm and knocked another swordsman out.

  The third saw him coming and he had to pull his arms back before they got sliced.

  He felt a cool metal hand laid across his shoulder. “I agree,” said Sam. He yelled to everyone else, “Taxes only! Minimal violence!”

  Guffy breathed a sigh of relief.

  For a second he’d thought he was on the wrong side.

  12

  Mevin Island

  Fido sniffed the air. They were getting close.

  Mevin Island must have grown since the map had been made. The map said five hundred residents, but the smoke said more like ten thousand. And the smell of fresh blood from the butcher shops, unless they hung fresh meat outside, said the town numbered about twenty thousand.

  As they got closer he smelled panic and fear, both of them far stronger than a city of twenty thousand should yield. Missing were any scents of joy, pleasure, or love.

  Mevin Island’s population hadn’t grown.

  Mevin Island’s population had shrunk. Recently.

  He had to tell the captain.

  The rope ladder swung to and fro as he climbed down, but his footing was sure. He was bred for this.

  On his way to the captain he passed by Firla, the beautiful Bloodhound who had joined them as first mate on this voyage.

  “G-g-good morning,” he stammered.

  She turned toward him and one of her ears flopped over her face, covering her features. She drew it back to reveal her prominent muzzle and dark droopy eyes. “Oh, hello,” she said in a perfectly feminine voice that was somehow untarnished by both her rank and her long experience at sea.

  It took all he had to resist the urge to sniff her butt.

  He gave her a tail wag and then bolted with as much dignity as he could manage down the hall toward the captain’s quarters.

  The long central hallway took him past the room where the human guests were staying.

  “I can’t believe we had to be rescued by these filthy dogs,” said the Mezazi breed, in a voice that he mistakenly thought no one but his northern companion could hear. Did they not understand how thin these walls were or the amazing sensitivity of Baltese hearing?

  “Yeah,” said the other. “Discovered by dogs, like we’re some fresh pile of vomit. We were almost kings, and now… this.”

  Fido could smell the disgust emanating from both of the humans. It took conscious effort on his part to keep from blaming himself. It was okay to be Baltese. He didn’t need a human or Knyn’s permission to be himself, patting him on the head, telling him whether he was a good or bad dog.

  Still, the smell hurt him. With so much time on an all-Baltese ship, he’d forgotten what it was like to smell a human’s judgment.

  “Remember, can’t put on a brave face for this one,” said the wide human. “Gotta show all of the shame. Can’t have people think we’re sympathizing.”

&nb
sp; Fido wasn’t sure why the captain still rescued people at sea. It always started out nice, everyone feeling good about doing a good deed, but it never turned out well. He considered pissing on their doorway in order to show dominance, but decided that would just make the situation worse.

  He got to the captain’s quarters and knocked.

  “Come on in.”

  Captain Rudder was tall and thick, a strong captain for a strong ship. Shiny dark black fur covered his body, except for his muzzle and legs, which had a light brown, almost orange tint.

  Talking to a Rottweiler should have sent chills down his spine, but Captain Rudder emanated a certain calmness. Fido could tell that, despite the captain’s breeding, everything would be fine.

  “What news is there?” asked the captain.

  “The town we’re going to,” Fido said nervously, “it’s been burned recently, and blood has been spilled. I thought you should know before we landed.”

  Rudder’s mouth gave one sharp grimace before going back to normal. It was like a hint of monsters underneath the surface of a still lake. “How bad?”

  “I can’t tell exactly, but it seems pretty bad.”

  Fido admired the captain’s stoicism and self-control. He didn’t even lick his paw while thinking.

  Eventually Captain Rudder reached a conclusion. “We sail elsewhere.”

  “But shouldn’t we help the town?” Captain Rudder was always wanting to help, so it seemed strange that he would just sail away from a town in need.

  “If we’re seen by a burning town, you know what people will assume.”

  “But the villagers would vouch for us,” insisted Fido. Part of him really liked helping, but another part of him just wanted the angry humans off their ship by any means possible. “They’d say we helped and it was someone else who destroyed the village.”

  “Do you think that matters?!” barked Rudder, showing a bit of his breed’s trademark ferocity. “If even one lapdog of the empire catches a whiff of our ship, that might be enough for them to bury us like a bone. ‘Town burns, Baltese ship spotted nearby.’ We stay far, far away.”

  Fido felt his tail drooping. They’d have to keep the mean and stinky humans on board for a little bit longer.

  “I’m sorry,” said Rudder softly, sounding almost fatherly. “It’s what we must do to survive.”

  ——

  Guffy hesitated before he knocked on the door to the captain’s cabin.

  Sink 'em Sam had protected him for the last eight months as they’d scoured the seas for Evyleen the Uncatchable, had clapped him on the back and called him nice names like “vital to our mission” and “stupidly loyal, in the best way possible”.

  That meant a lot, coming from Sam. He was also stupidly loyal, in the best way possible. The Mezazi held the crew that Sam had sailed with for years, had them locked up in some high-security prison, and the only reason Sam kept chasing Evyleen — instead of sailing off and accomplishing other, much easier heroic deeds — was so he could one day free his old friends.

  He found the captain sitting back in his cabin, oiling his powered-up tin form. It seemed to soothe him, so Guffy tried to ignore how weird it looked. Sam smiled. It was good when their captain was calm and happy. “How’s government work treating you, Guffy?”

  “It’s…” Guffy trailed off and looked away before continuing. “I didn’t like our last mission. Those people seemed innocent.”

  “They didn’t pay their taxes,” said Sam matter-of-factly, even though his face twitched as he said it.

  “But did we have to kill them and burn down so many buildings?”

  “I stopped the killing and burning,” said Sam.

  “But why start it in the first place? And why did they look so unhappy to be paying taxes? Aren’t we the heroes?”

  Sam’s face hardened, then relaxed into exagerrated calmness. “Why do they call you Gum-Gum Guffy?”

  Guffy knew the answer to this one. He held up his left arm. “This one is stretchy, so I nicknamed it ‘gum’.”

  “And your other arm?”

  “It’s also stretchy, so I nicknamed it ‘gum’.”

  “And you use your arms to fight and help throw things, which is why they call you Gum-Gum Guffy, right?”

  “Yes…”

  “You’re good at that. Do that for me, okay?”

  “But when we were collecting—”

  “Do they call you Think-Think Guffy?” Sam asked calmly.

  “No, but—”

  “Then do what you’re good at and this crew will get along great.”

  That wasn’t fair! “Do they call you Captain-Captain Sam?”

  “Yes, if they have a stutter.” Sam’s calm face was almost ready to break into his angry face. Guffy didn’t like that face. It was even scarier than him turning into metal. “Are we clear?”

  Guffy looked away and nodded.

  “Good. Now let me finish thinking. I have an announcement later that I think you’ll like. Some way to avoid this in the future.”

  Maybe things would be all right. It was just a temporary misunderstanding. Evyleen the Uncatchable terrorized towns and kidnapped children, so they had to catch her no matter what. Maybe the incident in the last town had happened because they were in such a hurry and all sad because of losing their friends Freddy and Jack.

  Guffy could forgive his friends for mourning in their own way, couldn’t he?

  Whatever the reason, Sam would make sure it wouldn’t happen again.

  Guffy walked out of the cabin feeling better than he had in days.

  A group of swordsmen stood off to the side, deep in some discussion. He decided to join them.

  “Hey, friends!” he said.

  They turned to look at him.

  Timorah groaned, which was a weird way to greet a friend, but Timorah was weird. When his left arm had been cut off at the wrist, he’d had it replaced with a large sickle that was almost a foot across. Guffy still wasn’t sure how the man slept without cutting himself.

  “Hey,” said another of the swordsmen, “maybe he can be of help.”

  “How?” asked Timorah.

  “Which town did we just visit,” asked the swordsman, “Havlam or Mevin?”

  “It was Havlam,” said Guffy. “The map said so.”

  “Fine,” said Timorah, “it was Mevin.”

  The other swordsmen laughed. “Thanks for helping.”

  What a weird bunch, but doing heroic government work always attracted the weird types.

  The navigator was by the ship’s wheel, instructing a stronger crewman on which way to turn it. A chore boy held the papers so that the navigator wouldn’t drop them. He pointed at one of the sheets, his finger tapping it for emphasis… then going through the paper on the third tap.

  “I swear, the next one will be Havlam,” said the navigator. “We were thrown farther off course than we realized. We’re at the edge of the empire, the edge of civilization, almost at Golden Retriever territory… what do you expect?”

  Guffy grabbed the crow’s nest and pulled himself up to it. It seemed all his friends were busy, so he would watch the ocean until the captain was ready to make his announcement.

  Eventually, he heard the door to the cabin slam open, and a cheer went up from the crew.

  “How do you like those taxes!” boomed Sam.

  A bigger cheer.

  “That’s right! Pretty good, huh? Our reward for spending so long on a government chase. But there was a clerical error, and we accidentally taxed the smaller town of Mevin. Who were also behind on their taxes, so it worked out! But our next destination is Havlam, and not only are they bigger, but they’ve attracted a Knyn merchant… so you know there’s money to be had there. But there’s something even better… we’ve got a new strategy this time, one that will have the citizens thanking us for pillaging— um, I mean collecting taxes from their town.”

  That got a huge cheer from most of the crew, but Timorah sighed. “We won’t get
to stab anyone?”

  Guffy cringed and assured himself that Timorah was joking.

  13

  New Fame, New Purpose

  Karugo felt a surge of energy as they walked toward town. The sun was shining, the air was clear, and they were going to save the farm family that had been so nice to them. After that, they’d be heroes — to that family at least.

  Hishano was being weird and not wanting to do it the easy way, giving the Knyn what she wanted. Although sometimes overprotective, Hishano did always at least try to keep everyone’s best interests in mind, so Karugo wouldn’t go to the Knyn unless absolutely necessary. If they couldn’t pay for the farm, definitely. If they couldn’t pay for both the farm and the boat ride… well, a little while longer away from Tandoku Island wouldn’t be terrible.

  It was more of a challenge this way too — the kind of challenge that Karugo liked! If they kept on going into the woods and having thrilling adventures with the wildlife they were sure to get stronger and more capable. If they missed the boat, then maybe six months later when the next one came they’d be able to defeat pirates without burning the ship and riding away on dolphins.

  Hishano would be mad for a little while, of course, but with six months… they could explore every inch of this island! They could make the entire town love them!

  As they approached the gate they waved to the guard; he looked as if he was just waking up. He still had messy hair, so he scrambled to put on his helmet and come to attention when he saw visitors approaching. He relaxed as they got closer. “Oh, you’re Farmer Seth’s help.”

  “You know us?!” Had word of their exploits gotten out? Had their bravery in retrieving the Haverwort been rewarded with fame as well as fortune?

  “It’s our job to know the visitors,” said the guard. “Besides, you’re green. Nobody’s seen a green person before.”

  Oh. They were semi-famous already, but not because of what they’d done. It was just because they looked different.

  Well, they’d give the townspeople a reason to know their names. And to love them, too.