by Charity B.
Now, I don’t care if she hated me because I hate her more. She took my daddy and hurt my brother. My fists ball at my sides as I jump to my feet. Pacing the floor, I search for somewhere to release this black fury bleeding inside me. I wish she would come back to life just so I can kill her myself.
She was the sinner.
The acceptance of this has me storming down the hall to my brother’s room. As soon as I shove open the door, I find him taking pictures with his camera.
“They are dead, Malakai. And that’s not my fault. It’s hers!” I’ve never screamed at him like this, and I’m so angry that I don’t care. “Do you not want to touch me because I’m your sister or because I’m not Mommy?!”
As soon as those yucky, mean words leave my mouth, I wish I could suck them back in. He stumbles, looking at me with the most devastating gaze I’ve ever seen. In two large steps, he’s in front of me.
“Fuck you for saying that.” He slams his hand against the wall next to my head, and I realize it’s bandaged. Oh no…what did he do to himself? My heart aches with the possibility he did it because of me when he yells, “You know how much I hated her for making me do that shit!”
My skin weighs too much to keep standing, so I allow myself to fall to the floor. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean it…”
He kneels down in front of me, but his rage hasn’t dissipated. “I don’t care how mad at me you are. Don’t ever fucking bring that up again.” I nod while he scoffs. “Get the hell out, Adriel.”
Stumbling over my feet, I do as he says. His door slams in my face, and my eyes burn like I’m finally going to cry.
No tears fall though.
I’m so angry at him right now, and I hate it. I’m also mad at myself for saying that. I’m just frustrated because he’s the one who’s initiated it almost every time between us, yet he continues to get upset as soon as it’s over. It’s not fair!
Back in my room, I lie on the floor to look under my bed. I feel bad for being so mean to Pegamy earlier. She was just trying to help. She’s still there, but she isn’t alive. Her skin has returned to plastic, her fur replaced with fabric.
“Pegamy?” She doesn’t move, so I sigh. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have thrown you. Will you forgive me?” There’s no response, she doesn’t even blink. Huffing at her stubbornness, I snap, “Fine! Don’t talk to me!”
I leave her under the bed and stomp downstairs to the garage where I pick up Daddy’s hammer. Slamming the side door of the garage, I walk down my driveway. There’s a farm not far from here where I go to play Foo Foo when I get mad sometimes. I once got caught by the farmer who said I could come over to play whenever I wanted.
He hates mice.
Holding my hammer tight, I keep an eye out for the little critters. “Little bunny Foo Foo hopping through the forest. Scooping up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head!” I sing as I walk through the corn crops. This game helps me because I have to work so hard to bop them. Mice are really fast.
I need to fix things with Kai. We hardly ever fight, and I can’t stand it. If I really thought he didn’t want to be with me, I wouldn’t be so upset. Imagining having to go through these next few days without him makes me dizzy with nausea.
Squeak. Squeak.
I look down to see a little white mouse staring up at me. He wants to play. As soon as I lift the hammer, off he goes. He’s a worthy opponent. I’m zigzagging everywhere after him for what feels like forever. My laugh rises up my throat. I think I’m feeling better. I don’t lose sight of him, but I think he might win this round. Regardless of the fact that I hate tennis shoes, I’m going to need to start wearing them to play this game. My white socks are covered in dirt while I run as fast as I can. I’m coming up behind him so I jump… Got him!
Bop!
Bop!
Bop!
The next few are not nearly as difficult as the first. With my dress covered in mice guts and my lungs out of breath, I carry my bloody hammer back home. I’m not even going to put it back. Daddy isn’t here anymore to ask about it.
The doors that separate the house from the funeral parlor are closed, and I hear people talking. Hopefully that means Uncle Bennett is too busy to notice me and ask questions. I sigh when I see Malakai’s door is still closed. He won’t want to talk to me. I don’t blame him after what I said.
My steps are slow to my room. Dropping the hammer on the floor next to my desk, I pull out my purple sparkly pen, stickers, and glitter perfume. I rip a piece of paper from my notebook.
Kai,
I’m very, very, very, very, very, very sorry. What I said was really stupid and mean. Please forgive me? I don’t care if we never do that stuff again, just please don’t stay mad at me. I’ll do anything to make this better.
I love you,
Adriel
I get a little bit of blood on it, but I add stickers so it’s pretty and spray the glitter perfume to make it smell good. Folding it up, I go to his door, kneeling on the floor to shove it underneath. What if it doesn’t help? Even though I didn’t realize I was purposely trying to hurt him, I was. Because he hurt me first. He said we were sick.
What if I ruined things for good? My hands press against the carpet to push me to my feet. As soon as I’m upright, his door swings open. He doesn’t look angry. When he sees my bloodied dress, he rushes to my side. I can’t help it; I have to smile.
“Are you okay? What happened?”
Laughing, I hug him. He still loves me. “I’m fine, I was just playing Foo Foo.”
His eyes narrow before glancing toward the stairs. “Did Uncle Bennett see you like this?”
“No. He’s still in the funeral home.” My arms fall from his waist as I look in his eyes. “I really am sorry.”
His unwounded hand cups my face, and the moment he grins, I get that falling feeling in my stomach. “I know. I got your note.” His face tightens, hinting at torment when he kisses the top of my head. “I am too. Come on, let’s clean you up before Uncle Bennett sees.”
I gently hold his bandaged hand, kissing where the bloods seeps through. “Are you okay?”
The smile he gives me is sad. “I’m fine.” I raise an eyebrow. “Really, I swear.”
Knowing I’m risking upsetting him, I still ask, “Will you shower with me?” Then I get scared and quickly add, “Just to get clean. I promise.”
His shoulders lift with his heavy breath. “You’re sure Uncle Bennett doesn’t know you’re home yet?” I clasp my hands, nodding fast because he’s about to say yes. “All right, hurry up.”
I don’t waste a second as he locks the door. My dress hits the floor the moment he turns around, staring at me in my panties and bra. He closes his eyes, breathing deeply before crossing the bathroom to kiss me. “I know I’m giving you whiplash. Believe me, I’m giving it to myself. It’s just…” he groans, “no fucking, okay?”
Excitement tickles me as I nod. “Okay.”
I bite my lip, watching his muscles move as he grabs the hem of his shirt to tug it over his head. The tightening is back between my thighs while I kiss his hard chest. He caresses my back and unhooks my bra, the gauze on his cuts scratching my skin.
Our lips touch again as his thumb rubs lightly over my nipple. Since we just made up, I’m feeling braver. Taking his hand, I slide it down the front of my panties. Air shudders from between my lips when he makes his way inside. I grip his shoulders and ride his fingers, pressing my face against his neck.
A protesting whimper falls from my lips when he removes his touch to turn on the shower. He unwraps the red-soaked gauze, letting it drop to the floor. I smirk at the hitch in his breath as I take off my panties.
The warm water hits me the instant I climb in. Feeling his cock pressing against my lower back causes my guts to flutter. He’s kissing me the second I spin around. He takes my hand, placing it on his erection. I just love how it feels. Soft on the outside, hard as marble on the inside.
When I get a rhythm that h
e likes, he stops guiding me to squirt shampoo in his hands and massage it into my scalp. I’m in a bit of a dilemma because every time with him could be my last. I want to do it well, make it feel amazing for him, but I also don’t want him to finish too quickly. Closing my eyes as he rinses the shampoo, I slightly tighten my grip and go a little quicker.
His groan makes me clench. I stroke fast a couple of times before stopping to rub the tip with my thumb. After combing the cool conditioner through my hair, he washes his own. White suds fall over his closed eyes as he rinses out the soap, bucking his hips between my fists. His breathing picks up, and he reaches out to use the wall of the shower for support. Water drips down his gorgeous face, his lips pressed together to stifle his moans.
“God, Adriel. Why are we so fucked up?”
He’s still thrusting as his words come out in a choke. It hurts my feelings that he thinks that. I move my hand faster, kissing his neck when I feel the warmth of his come squirting across my stomach.
Brushing my mouth across his chest, I whisper, “I think we’re perfect. It’s everyone else who’s fucked up.”
Malakai
13 years old
I wave at Adriel through the window as she gets into the car. Dad doesn’t take me on special outings like he does her. They call it a ‘father-daughter date’ which is weird if you ask me. They go to fun places, like tonight he’s taking her to McDonalds and Sports World. I would have liked to go. I still don’t understand why they can’t take me. Dad never brings me out for ‘father-son dates’ which sounds at least six times weirder, but I wouldn’t hate having some guy time with him.
He’s good to me, as far as dads go, yet I can’t help feeling that Adriel is his favorite. I’m probably just overthinking things, he says I do that sometimes. It just seems like he loves her a little more than me. If I’m being honest with myself, though, it’s the same with Mom, except opposite. She is an amazing mom to me. I never feel anything less than special when she’s around. Then, watching how she treats my sister, breaks my heart. How can she not love her like Dad and I do? Adriel’s the most special, pretty girl in the world. I hate that Mom doesn’t see it.
What really sucks is I could use a distraction right now. School’s been getting worse. I despise the other kids. All of them. Their dislike toward me doesn’t make any sense. I’ve never done anything to make them detest me as much as they do. This weekend is Tony Wallace’s birthday party, and everyone got invited besides me.
I huff, going back to my room for my camera before walking down to the morgue to see my mom. I’ve always loved taking pictures. The world takes off its mask when I look through the lens. When I was nine, I got my first camera from Uncle Bennett. To this day, that was the best gift I’ve ever gotten. I took photos of everything. My toys, my food, Adriel, the T.V. show I was watching… It was a Cannon Power Shot A550. I just replaced it a few months ago with this one.
Mom is in the embalming room, so I take some shots of her with the corpse. Her head lifts, smiling at me. “Malakai?”
“Yeah, Dad just left with Adriel.”
Her smile widens as she nods upstairs. “Perfect. I’m almost done. Why don’t you order some Chinese and pick out a movie? We’ll eat on the couch tonight.”
Yes! We never get to eat in front of the T.V. “Even The Avengers?”
“Whatever you want, baby.”
Grinning all the way up the stairs, I grab her credit card to order a ton of rice, eggrolls, lo mein, and chicken. We don’t ever get to use the T.V. trays. I’ve always wondered why we even have them. I set up the trays with our plates in front of the couch, pushing The Avengers Blu Ray into the player before I put my camera back in my room.
She’s still not up yet, so I pour her a glass of wine. Sneaking a sip makes me gag. Gross. How does she drink that? The Dr. Pepper fizzes as I fill my glass, sighing at the taste washing away the bitterness on my tongue. The menu for the movie is flashing Captain America and Thor across the screen when I carry our drinks back to the living room. I snatch up the remote to watch the trailers while I wait for her.
I’m only on the third one when she walks up behind me and kisses my head, telling me she’ll be down after a quick shower.
My stomach growls at the ding of the doorbell. Luckily, the delivery man doesn’t bat an eye at my scribbling her name across the receipt.
Hauling all the food into the living room, I set the chopsticks next to our plates. I’m starving, so I quickly thank Jesus for my food and shovel in my first bite.
She comes down in her long, silk nightgown, her bare feet quiet on the floor. “It smells wonderful.”
I grin at her with a mouth full of lo mein. “It tastes even better.” Her rich laugh is such a rare sound, it sends a shiver across my neck.
She chews slowly while my food is gone after a few bites. I can feel her gaze on me through the movie until I finally look at her. “What?”
Her fingers comb through my hair as she scoots closer. “You have grown in to such a beautiful boy.”
She’s staring at me, but she’s not looking at me. She’s seeing something else. All the Chinese food rolls in my stomach while my throat closes. The hairs on my neck stand up as she shifts to press her lips to mine. Her mouth moves, deepening her kiss and setting off my panic.
My voice shakes along with the rest of me when I whisper, “Why would you do that?”
A smile stretches across her face when she lifts her nightgown enough to straddle me. What the hell is she doing? Her kisses burn my neck while her hands find their way inside my shirt. I’m finally able to get a hit of oxygen allowing me to sob, “I don’t like this, Mom. Please, stop.”
“Mmmm. I know, baby. I feel it too.”
What is she talking about? My heart pounds in my temples when her fingers tug down my sweatpants. My skin tightens over my bones as I tense at her touch. This can’t be happening. I shake my head, and she either ignores it or doesn’t see the tears streaming down my cheeks. I don’t want her to do this! Why does she?
The moment comes that asphyxiates me with terror. I shake my head again, pleading, “No, Mom. Please…” My words and cries are snuffed out when her palm cups my face.
“It’s okay, don’t be scared.”
Her body slides down to connect with mine, murdering my innocence. Tears roll down my neck as my eyes snap shut. I refuse to watch what’s happening to me, even if it’s blurry through my tears. A layer of sweat coats my skin. Nausea attempts to climb its way up my throat, so I keep my mouth closed tight.
I grip her waist to push her off, but I can’t do it. I can’t move at all. Whispers of lies and delusions fall from her lips. She doesn’t stop. I silently pray that God will send my dad home. My shoulder blades hit the back of the couch each time she rocks her body. Eventually, I know I can’t force away the disgusting pleasure I’m feeling. For the first time in my life, I truly hate her.
The war between terror, arousal, repulsion, and heartbreak shreds something deeper within me than I’ve ever felt before. More than my heart is being pulverized. Even my soul screams with agony when I cry out my release. Her moans force out more sobs.
When it’s finally over, she simply climbs off of me. “Do you want some cocoa? I’m making some coffee for when your dad and sister get home.”
I wipe my tears and pull up my sweats before mumbling, “No, I have homework.”
Up the stairs, I make it to the toilet in time to throw up all the Chinese food I just ate. I refuse to look in the mirror as I rinse my mouth with wash. Going to my room to lock myself inside, my crying becomes erratic. I’m choking. My nails claw at my throat as my head fills with air. The room spins around me, and I trip, knocking my lamp off the table. Ceramic shatters against the edge, sending blue shards sprinkling across the carpet. It’s impossible to catch myself. When my shoulder slams against the floor, hot pain erupts across my arm.
Suddenly, my lungs expand, allowing me to breathe again. My gasping is loud in my ears. Wa
tching the blood drip down my arm somehow normalizes my vision.
Smell the flowers, blow out the candles.
The breathing mantra pushes my thoughts to the past. To a time when my mother was safe. Tears drip off my face to the carpet as the memory clouds my thoughts.
The chlorine burns. Mom told me not to open my eyes under water, but I like watching people swim, and I forgot my goggles. This is the first summer I’m allowed to go in the deep end. I use my arms to get far enough to reach the bottom. The moment my feet touch the scratchy concrete, I push off to get back to the surface.
Something wraps around my ankle, keeping me from moving. Looking down, I see Tommy Wallace holding on to me. I kick and flail, but he’s older than me. He’s too strong for me to get free. My chest burns because I need air. The thumping of my heart gets faster and faster the longer he holds me. I try to scream, but it sounds gargled.
Just when I think I’m going to die without seeing my parents and sister ever again, he lets me go. I don’t know if I can make it above the water. I push my arms and feet until the cool breeze hits my face. As hard as I gasp for breath, I still can’t get my throat to open. Water splashes around me as I fight going back under. The only sound in my ears is Tommy’s terrible laugh.
Arms wrap around me as a soft voice whispers, “It’s okay, baby. Momma’s here. I got you.”
I hear myself wheezing. Why can’t I breathe? My mom lifts me from the pool, sitting me on the ground. Her hands hold my face. “Deep breaths, sweetheart. You have to calm down.”
I try to do as she says, it just doesn’t work no matter how hard I try.
Adriel runs up to us in her Powerpuff Girls swimsuit. “No running!” the lifeguard yells at her.
Ignoring him, she kneels next to me. “Malakai? What’s wrong?”
Words refuse to form, even with my mouth moving. My mom holds my face making me look at her. “Baby, pretend like your smelling flowers. Just a big sniff.” I do as she says when she adds, “Now, pretend like your blowing out the candles on your birthday cake.” I feel the air flow from my lips and my chest opens a little. “Good. That’s good, baby. Again. Smell the flowers, blow out the candles.”
