Boo Who

by Rene Gutteridge

  Douglas knocked again, but again there was no answer.

  “Hey! Hass! We know you’re in there!” Douglas yelled, scaring Oliver half to death. He then yanked open the door and marched inside. After a few minutes, he returned. “Nobody’s there, except a really fat cat.”

  Suddenly he frowned, a deep, anxious frown. And so did everyone around Oliver. They were looking at one another with complete astonishment, exchanging emotions that he could not understand.

  Douglas shook off the moment and looked at an older woman who had approached. “You looking for the fella who lives here?” she said.

  Douglas nodded.

  “Took him to jail earlier.” She pointed in the direction of Main Street.

  “Thank you,” Douglas said, then looked at the others. “Let’s go.”

  Reverend Peck could hardly believe what he was hearing. Dr. Hass was talking a mile a minute, and though he had not confessed to cloning, he’d confessed to nearly everything else under the sun.

  He’d been married a number of times, had been bankrupt twice, and was in the middle of telling Reverend Peck of the twenty-year drug habit he’d kicked a decade ago, when a bunch of people came into the jail. The two men could hear their voices echoing through the corridors.

  “Stop!” That was Sheriff Parker’s voice. “Oliver?”

  “Stay back,” came another voice, unfamiliar. “I said stay back!”

  “Oliver, are you hurt?” asked the sheriff.

  “I’m fine. Do what he says though, okay?” Oliver said.

  Reverend Peck was very confused about what was going on as he and Dr. Hass stood at the cell bars.

  “We’re here to see Dr. Hass!” the voice said, and then a bunch of people agreed.

  Reverend Peck looked at him. Dr. Hass was shaking his head. “Oh no,” he said with evident dread.

  The reverend didn’t have time to ask questions, because before he knew it, a crowd of people was coming around the corner, headed straight for their cell. He recognized a few of them from church that morning, especially the lady who’d inquired about cats.

  “You!” a skinny man said, pointing a stern finger toward Dr. Hass.

  Dr. Hass held up his hands, gave a shifty smile, and backed away from the bars. Reverend Peck decided he’d better do the same thing.

  “Douglas, hello,” Dr. Hass said in a quavering voice.

  “Don’t you ‘hello’ me,” Douglas said back at him, now fully in front of the bars. “What do you think you’re up to? Huh?”

  “Up to?” Dr. Hass grinned.

  Suddenly Oliver was shoved to the front, and Dr. Hass’s eyes shifted back and forth between the men. Douglas said, “He told us everything.”

  Oliver stared at Dr. Hass. “Unbelievable. I should’ve known what you were up to.”

  Dr. Hass sighed, sitting on his cot and slumping.

  “You deceived us,” Douglas said through gritted teeth.

  Dr. Hass nodded, sadness plaguing his features.

  “How could you do that to us?” Douglas said.

  And suddenly Oliver spoke up. “don’t you understand what you’ve done to them?”

  Dr. Hass looked at Oliver. “You were the one willing to take money to get them out of your town.”

  “True,” Oliver said, “but that was before I knew what was going on! You said you could help them. I thought you could help them! Instead, you’ve created a nightmare!” Oliver looked as though he was about to cry. “They keep saying they want their money back, but I imagine what they really need back are their souls!”

  Douglas sighed. “Look, Oliver, let me handle this. Since the start, you’ve been a little overly dramatic, haven’t you?” Douglas looked at Dr. Hass. “We’ve spent weeks here under your little plan, believing you were our friend. Believing you were trying to help us. Instead, you were just sucking us dry.”

  Oliver gasped and shut his eyes.

  Reverend Peck was very confused. “I’m sorry,” he said, speaking up, “but I don’t quite know what’s going on here. You’re saying … are you saying … What exactly are you saying?”

  “They’re clones!” Oliver cried. “And Dr. Hass let them loose in our town to try to see if they would adapt! But they didn’t. They just went nuts. So Dr. Hass paid me to kidnap them and bring them back to him. Heaven knows what he was going to do with them then!”

  Silently, everyone stared at Oliver. And then Douglas said, “What?”

  Oliver looked at Reverend Peck and whispered, “They don’t know they’re clones.”

  Dr. Hass laughed. “Are you trying to tell me, Oliver, you think they’re clones and I’m the one who did it?”

  “Aren’t you?” Oliver said with a huff.

  Dr. Hass shook his head and stared at the ceiling for a moment in some private thought. “You people are something else, I’ll tell you that.”

  “You’re denying it?” Oliver asked with a skeptical expression.

  Dr. Hass sighed. “They’re not clones. They’re ailurophobics.”

  Oliver looked around at all the people standing near him and seemed to get the heebie-jeebies. “Well that sounds contagious.”

  Dr. Hass grumbled, “They’re people who have a horrible fear of cats.”

  “And this man,” Douglas raged, “claimed to be able to help us! Claimed he had the solution to solving our phobia! Instead we paid him tons of money and found out he was going to try to have us kidnapped!”

  Dr. Hass stood, causing everyone to take a step back. “Look, you all have got a lot wrong here.” He looked at Douglas and everyone else. “I was trying to help you.”

  “By kidnapping us?”

  Dr. Hass leaned against the far wall of his cell and said with great heaviness in his voice, “My mother was ailurophobic.”

  “So what does that have to do with the price of tea in Japan?” the woman with large glasses asked.

  “It always hurt me to see her live with that. I helped her, and I thought I could help you.”

  “Dr. Hass,” the reverend said, “I believe you.”

  “I am a doctor, but I don’t have a PhD in anything concerning psychology. My doctorate’s in organic agriculture bionics from the Beverly Hills Massage and Homeopathic University.”

  Stunned silence soaked the room.

  And then the lady with large glasses said, “What in the world can you do with that kind of degree?”

  “Run a spa.”

  Douglas stepped forward. “What exactly are you saying here?”

  Jack Hass looked everyone in the eye before saying, “I couldn’t even run a spa right, but I found I was really good at one thing. Being a con man.”

  “A con man!”

  And then everyone started yelling hateful things at Jack. The reverend felt badly for him but didn’t know how to stop it. Jack finally held up his hands angrily. “Wait just a minute!”

  Douglas shushed the crowd and folded his arms, waiting for an explanation.

  “I know you all think I’m some sort of crook, and maybe I am, but I came to this town with the best of intentions! I wanted to start over, wanted to be a good person. I truly believed I could help all of you. So I decided to start a business here to help people get rid of their cat phobias. But then all these people in Skary went crazy on me, thinking I was some sort of psychologist. The next thing I know, people are shoving cash in my hand and paying me to analyze them. To be honest with you, most of their problems could be solved with a little common sense! And I know it was wrong to take their money, but I thought I was helping them, and they thought I was helping them, so I decided why the heck not? So one little lie turned into one huge lie.

  “I’ll be honest here: I’ve spent a lifetime being deceptive. Ever since my dad ran out on my mom and we had money troubles, I learned I had a knack for becoming people I wasn’t. When I became an adult, that never left. So I’ve just pretended all these years to be people I’m not, and I’ve made a pretty good living doing it. I even cheated to get
my degree. Then even though I tried to leave that kind of life, turns out it has followed me anyway.”

  Everyone looked completely stunned, but Douglas broke the silence. “Good for you, Hass. But you know what, I don’t really care about all that. What I care about is that I’ve spent weeks running around here, doing everything you said to find a cure for myself. Scared half out of my mind, to tell you the truth. And in the end, I’m out a thousand bucks!”

  Dr. Hass smiled a little. “You can have your money back. All of you. It’s underneath a loose board in my office at the house.”

  There was a collective, relieved sigh.

  “You conned us, Hass,” Douglas said, “and you’re going to pay for it.”

  Dr. Hass nodded as if he expected the anger. Then he casually pointed to Douglas’s feet. Douglas glanced down. There, at his feet, was Thief, Sheriff Parkers cat, gliding back and forth against the bars. “It’s … it’s a cat …,” Douglas said softly.

  The rest of the ailurophobes carefully looked down, and relishing the attention, Thief walked between their legs, hoping someone would bend down and pet him.

  But nobody screamed. In fact, they looked hopelessly relaxed, although astonished.

  “I’m not screaming,” one woman said.

  “I don’t even feel my heart racing!” said another.

  “Are we cured?” another asked.

  Everyone looked at Jack, who only smiled humbly. “The reason I was going to have you kidnapped was to redirect your fears. I found this out with Leroy when Oliver kidnapped him, mistakenly thinking he was some kind of ghoul. Leroy was so shaken up over the incident, he totally forgot he was scared of cats. I thought I might try my theory on you all as well. But,” he said, looking around the cell, “looks like things didn’t end up quite as I expected. Except, of course, you all are cured.”

  “How?” Douglas asked.

  “Your attention has been redirected, that’s all. Cats are no longer your primary concern.”

  Everyone seemed truly astonished by this, and then Sheriff Parker, who’d been standing near the back, stepped forward. “What about Thief? You cured him. How did you know what to do?”

  “That one was easy,” Jack said. “Thief was simply spoiled. I just put him on a regimen to unspoil him.”

  Reverend Peck said, “Well, you have quite a speaking talent.”

  “Thank you,” Jack said. “Probably from that lawyer stint I did a few years back. Anyway,” he said, looking at everyone, “go get your money. It’s all there. I haven’t spent a dime. I haven’t had time since listening to this town boohooing itself to death! I’m truly sorry for deceiving you. Please accept my apology.”

  Nobody knew what to do. A few nodded. One woman cried. And then, slowly, one by one, they left. Sheriff Parker stood in front of the jail cell door.

  “Dr. Hass … I mean, um …”

  “Call me Jack.”

  “Okay …” There was a slight pause as the sheriff processed that. Then he said, “Sir, I’m not sure what to do with you. But right now, I just can’t let you go. I’m going to need to consult a prosecutor.”

  Jack sighed. “I understand.”

  “You have the right to a lawyer.”

  “I won’t need one. Studied the law, know what I need to know.”

  Sheriff Parker and Reverend Peck couldn’t help but smile. The sheriff then looked around, presumably for Thief. “Okay, gotta go find my cat. I’ll check on you later.”

  Jack turned to Reverend Peck. “Thank you for your kindness.” He extended his hand, and Reverend Peck shook it warmly. “I wish I could be the kind of person you are. Maybe I could learn.” He noticed Jack had tears in his eyes.

  “None of us can ever be good enough, Jack,” the reverend said. “For no matter how hard we try, in some way or the other, we are all really good at conning. Either ourselves or others.”

  Jack laughed a little, wiping at his tears. “Is there any hope for humanity? Any hope at all for those of us who are so flawed?”

  The reverend sat there for a moment, nodding his head, but filled with sudden and severe emotion. Tears filled his own eyes, and as he looked up at Jack, he saw the very reason he’d been assigned the task he was about to abandon.

  The reverend said, “Let me tell you about an apostle named Peter. And another one named Paul. And what happened when they encountered a man named Jesus.”

  CHAPTER 35

  WOLFE AND MARTIN sat in the early afternoon hour of Valentine’s Day on a bench facing Main Street. For a while they watched in silence as the town’s citizens scurried from flower shop to gift shop to the post office, preparing for the romantic holiday.

  Wolfe hadn’t seen Ainsley that morning. She had Melb’s wedding reception to prepare. As they sat on the bench together, he knew there was not much he could do to cheer Martin up.

  Martin was trying to make light chitchat. “I’ve always despised this holiday,” he said, though his voice sounded cheery.

  “Oh?”

  “Sure. So commercial. If there’s someone special in your life, you feel pressured to do amazing things. If there’s no one special in your life, you feel like a loser.” He glanced at Wolfe. “So what are you doing to celebrate?”

  Wolfe shrugged. “Nothing, really. Going to Melb’s wedding.”

  “Yeah. I hate weddings. If you’re married, you’re reminded of how all the romance has left your life. If you’re not married, you feel like a loser.”

  Wolfe was beginning to get the picture that Martin was quite depressed. “You okay?” he asked, squeezing his shoulder.

  Martin nodded solemnly. “Yeah, I guess.” A large sigh escaped. “I really thought we had a chance at saving the town. I thought if we could just find that one thing, you know? That one thing that would make a person proud to be a Skary citizen.”

  “I wish Miss Peeple could’ve been more helpful,” Wolfe said. “Things are looking pretty dire for her.”

  “‘May the Lord safely keep and restore you,’” Martin said with a chuckle. “Of all the things that have come out of the woman’s mouth over the years, it’s interesting that’s the only thing she can seem to mumble.”

  “Yeah.”

  And there was silence again. Then Martin stood up. “Well, I guess I better go shower and change for the wedding. At least there’s going to be free food there.”

  Wolfe laughed. “Really great food, actually. Ainsley’s doing a surprise reception for Melb, and the food is going to be gourmet.”

  “Oh! Well, that brightened my day a little.” He shook Wolfe’s hand. “In about two weeks, I’m going to have to tell everyone that Skary is going to be bankrupt. Pray that God prepares their hearts.”

  He turned and walked slowly down the sidewalk toward his car. A heavy burden of sadness filled Wolfe, and he prayed instead that God would save Skary.

  For a woman about to be married to the man of her dreams, Melb Cornforth’s emotions were not holding up very well. She’d already dealt with the guilt of believing Oliver had left her. Though traumatic, when the dust had settled, Oliver was by her side, and all was well. She’d learned long ago you had to forgive yourself or you weren’t going to get far in life.

  But what had nearly shocked the mascara off her eyelashes was the news about Dr. Hass. Jack, as they were calling him now. Ever since she’d learned he was a con man and not an actual psychologist, she’d felt nothing but a hungry dread. And hungry she was. It was as if she’d gained a pound a day. Everything he’d taught her was a farce. And now she was completely psyched out.

  She’d tried to get her mind off it by preparing for her wedding day. She’d decided to groom her eyebrows. But thanks to some overly ambitious plucking, she was now nearly hairless above each eye. Of course, this brought her to tears also.

  Finally, after much solitary discourse, she decided she had to see Dr. Hass. Bundling herself up, she made her way to the jail, which, thankfully, she’d only been in once, back a few years ago when she had i
ntoxicated a cat by feeding it too many rum cookies and beer-battered fish all in one day. And they say the alcohol cooks off!

  The deputy pointed her down the hallway and to the left, where she found Dr. Hass reading something. His eyes grew startled when he saw her.

  “Melb,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

  Sniffling, she removed her coat and scarf and stood before his cell. “I came to confront you. You helped me. Truly helped me. When no one else could. And now I’m afraid everything’s going to fall apart, Doctor. I’m really afraid. I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to fit into my wedding dress. And it’s all your fault! Because you’re a fraud!”

  “Look,” Dr. Hass said, “I don’t mean to be rude, lady, okay? I’m really working on not being rude. You must know that. But ever since I met you, you’re the one that has created the illusions here, not me. I mean, from the very beginning you just assumed I was a shrink, and empowered yourself by believing every word that came out of my mouth! I could’ve said go throw yourself off the cliff, and you would’ve smiled and told yourself that was certainly a way to lose some pounds.”

  She felt her face puff into a ball of rage. “How dare you! You are the one who deceived me! You’re a con man, for crying out loud! How can you justify this?”

  “I’m not justifying it, lady. But I’m telling you that you didn’t need me to motivate you. You did the whole thing yourself.”

  She crossed her arms. “What are you talking about?”

  “Melb, do you want to know how you lost all that weight?”

  “I know!” she said. “Because of you! You helped my brain trigger something that made the pounds just fall off.”

  “No,” he chuckled. “It was nothing I did. It was pure and simple. Exercise.”

  She laughed. “Exercise? You’ve lost your mind. I haven’t exercised a day in my life!”

  “Oh? What do you call owling?”

  “Owling? That’s the hobby you told me to get!”

  “Yes, but don’t you realize how much walking and climbing you do every day to follow that silly owl all over the place?”