2000 Deciduous Trees : Memories of a Zine (9781937316051)

by Jones, Nath

  "It's stupid, really. I was up on this box brushing my horse after we got in. I just tried to reach too far behind me and twisted the whole thing over on myself. It was totally disgusting. When I turned the box to see my foot it was totally flat and bent all the way back, kind of like a hoof. Then I passed out."

  Jason spoke with pieces of blue electrical tape on many of his fingers. He held the hanger contraption between his legs and balanced himself against Jen's shoulder. “Yeah, and it was just like Lassie or something. Molly, her horse, went right up to the house. Jen’s aunt freaked out because she was half asleep in a chair on the porch when she felt horse breath all over her. But she went down to the barn and there was my beautiful Jen all passed out in a pile of vomit."

  "Thank you, Jason, for filling in all the gruesome details." Asshole.

  Elisia oversaw and Jen scooched down the curb closer to the grate as Jason began to lower his retraction device into the sewer.

  Elisia stepped back from the stench. “God, that's awful."

  Jen looked up at her and wondered whether her earrings were fake. "I know. Any time we open the window to get a breeze that's all we smell. One time Jason was making cookies to prove that he did know how to cook and burned all of them because he was watching wrestling and forgot them. The whole apartment filled up with this nasty smoke and a smoke alarm went off and so we opened the window. All night long that's all we smelled: sewage and burnt cookies. I still haven't had any cookies."

  "Thank you for revealing all my darkest secrets to this new friend of ours." He stared at his girlfriend as if to say, “Are you that insecure, Jen? Do you really have to be such a bitch whenever there is another girl here?”

  Jason leaned back to avoid the smell and to keep a patch of sunlight on Elisia's keys. He poked the hanger further into the sewer.

  A voice echoed below them. "What the fuck is this?"

  Jason jumped back, pulling up his device. Jen leaned over the grate and squinted into her shadow. Elisia moved toward their small porch and sat on its low brick wall in relative safety.

  "Who goddamned keys is this?"

  Jen whispered to Jason, "There's some guy down there."

  Jason was scared and defensive. "Yeah, no shit. I was supposed to go to soccer practice today."

  "What?" Jen contorted her face in hostile disgust. “Where is that coming from?”

  "Jen, not now."

  "Why are you always being so weird? You don't have to be at soccer practice for an hour and a half, and I don't see why you get so obsessed with all the intramural shit anyway."

  "Don't I drive you to the barn to see Molly four times a week? Why is it I'm the one who's obsessed?"

  The voice came from below. "Are you all bickering up there? Why you doing it over my bed? And whose keys is these?"

  Jason looked at Jen. Jen shrugged and pointed to the hanger, then pointed toward the sewer.

  Jason lowered the device and said cautiously as if he were a marshal with the ATF, "Sir, all you have to do is put the keys on the hook."

  “Jesus. Get that shit out of my hair." Then, "And not there either. 'Bout to poke my blessed eye out with that fool thing. You want these keys, eh?"

  Jen looked at Jason. "Why are we always helping people? You’re talking to a guy through a sewer grate and she’s not even doing anything. She's sitting on my fucking porch. I'm the one with the broken foot. And she's pulling on my plants. Get her out of here."

  "You tell her to quit messing with the plants. I'm not your keeper.”

  Jen kept her whisper harsh. "You think she's hot is what it is. Don't even try to be all valiant whatever with me." Turning, Jen smiled and held her hand up blocking the sun. "Elisia. There's a man down here with your keys. Would you like them back?"

  The girl in the tight green skirt remained on the porch and made no advance after Jen’s directive. Elisia’s eyes widened to a painful degree, and she seemed to be thrusting her neck wildly toward Jen as though Jen were supposed to pick up some hidden meaning. Jen pretended not to understand and completely ignored Elisia’s intended efforts to dissociate herself.

  But the gestures were exceedingly clear. Elisia’s bobbing head said plainly, "Are you crazy? Don't tell some sewer man those are my keys. Jesus! My roommate is home. She has keys. I can copy my fucking keys. Just don't let that sewer man touch me. Dear Jesus God!” And as she realized that Jen was not picking up her vibes there were the added insinuations of, "You are the most conniving bible banging bitch I've ever seen. I'd give anything if you saw your precious boyfriend blasting some angel from the choir. Are you really this stupid? Forget the fucking keys.”

  And with this Elisia hid her purse carefully behind Jen's planters. She took off her watch, her shoes, and her earrings. She wedged all these in the shiny purse and slowly approached the grate, twisting her hair up as she walked.

  Jen watched her in disgust but turned around when she felt a man's lips on her neck. “Jesus Christ. Get off me."

  The man had gotten out of the sewer and was standing with them in the street. Elisia watched him drop her keys into a pocket in his filthy trench coat. Jason stared at the man.

  He had fat legs and a skinny face. His eyes were brooding and possessive. Under the paint-stained trench coat he wore two cardigan sweaters, a work shirt, and a hot pink tee shirt full of holes that said Titty Tahiti Parasails in garish fluorescent rainbow letters. Green sweat pants covered what looked like old khaki pants. Both pairs of pants were tucked into thick red tube socks which had been repaired more than once, likely by him from the looks of the workmanship. And although on each hip a basketball shoe was tied to a belt loop of the khaki pants, he wore brand new Doc Martens.

  "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Jen could not get away from the man but she yelled right into his pinched red face. "Jason. Are you a fucking idiot? Get this freak away from me."

  Elisia looked on as if from a distance thinking, "Nice Christian sentiment, Jen." She lit a cigarette and tried to stand still.

  "No harm done, little lady. No harm done. No sense gettin' into a row over this little nothing. Just sayin' hello. Just sayin' hello." He left Jen sitting on the curb and sprang over to Elisia on the sidewalk. "So I'll bet these is your keys, eh? Got another cigarette for a good-lookin’ man like me?"

  Elisia found him a cigarette and let him light it himself.

  He turned the lighter over in his hand several times, assessing its value before handing it back.

  Elisia felt defensive. "My dad got me that in Spain."

  "Nice dad. That's what I like to see. No more of these absent fathers. Gotta have no kind of respect for a bastard who's so afraid of his own shadow he can't hold a kid on his lap for ten minutes. If he gives you anymore problems, you let me know.”

  Jen stared at the man. “What are you talking about? Why would anyone let you know?”

  The man laughed out loud. He had six or eight teeth left that all seemed in different states of decay. He ended up bent over and coughing. The three of them watched him spit something large in the grass and then he stood up, pointing at Jen, "Just a little fun, lady. Don't you know how to have a little fun? Maybe I do the drugs. But maybe I'm just makin' a little jokey joke. No harm done to you either way and yet look at that face you givin' me." He turned to Elisia, careful not to blow smoke at her. "You see that face."

  Elisia had but wasn't sure she wanted to side with the man just yet. "What your name?"

  "Name? Does it look like I’m applying for a job here?"

  Jason put his hands on his hips and looked up and down the street. He was impatient. He was uncomfortable. He was embarrassed. He was going to be late for soccer.

  "What if I told you I ain't got no name? What if I'm a John fucking Doe? Huh? What'd you say to that? You gonna give me grief over that?"

  Jen still hadn't stood up and was on the verge of tears.

  But Elisia wasn’t easily intimidated. "I don't give a shit what your name is. I was just making conver
sation. So if you want to stand there in that god-awful mess of clothes making philosophical riddles all day, fine. You can have my keys and I can call the cops."

  "Oo-ee. Whoa there, little momma." Now he bent down and solicited Jen's sympathy. "She's a bit worked up over nothing, or is it me?" Jen looked at Jason who was beginning to gain strength.

  "Look. Nobody's calling the cops. You didn't do anything to us. And all we want is the keys."

  "You want keys? Then why you throwin' shit in the gutter? You want something you'd think you'd hold onto it a little tighter. Or not even walk over a grate. The underworld's my home, kid. And in my world it's finders keepers, stealers keepers, and for those that get uppity and bitch a lot, like you doing right now, there ain't many friends."

  Elisia suppressed her laughter. Both Jen and Jason had the same self-involved martyr expression on their faces.

  Jason's retort was weak, "Underworld?"

  The man ignored him and was on the porch. "Are you going to invite me in or don't you want me to cook you three the best dinner you ever gonna eat?" But without time for any of them to choose, the man was in the house rooting through the kitchen. He opened a closet and played with a few things. He took Brillo pads out of the box, juggled them, then held one up to the light and tried to look through it. Tossing the box back on a shelf he took several bottles in a row, opened them, drawing long breaths in through his nose to smell the products. All these were replaced from where they had come. Then he walked all the way into the tiny closet and spent a minute climbing in and out of a mop bucket repeatedly while mumbling what sounded like a children's jump rope chant.

  After this was done he assumed a more businesslike demeanor. He put on an apron and went through an elaborate handwashing ritual somewhat like a surgeon and somewhat like a priest before giving communion. The kids stood together out of his way and watched everything.

  After forty-five minutes he steered them all to the coffee table in the living room. He turned the TV over on its side and took down a sheet that doubled as curtains. He threw this over the TV and called it a sideboard.

  The kids sat on the floor in silence. They all looked from one to the next about to laugh, all ready to call 911 if any of the others suggested it.

  The man opened his nylon duffel bag. He fingered through it carefully, holding various objects aloft, considering each in terms of its benefit, beauty, or purpose. After much deliberation whatever decisions needed to be made were made and he began flitting around setting the table in front of them. Each had a newspaper place mat. Each of them had a plate made of Saran Wrap. Each had an empty can as a water glass and a small empty jar for beer, which also came out of the bag.

  When it came to flatware each was treated differently. Elisia was given a broken chopstick and a plastic Dairy Queen spoon. Jason had an X-ACTO knife and a tongue depressor, and Jen was provided with a razor blade and three finishing brads. It seemed Jen had the best of the best and the others were graced with the opportunity to share his finery.

  Without knowing exactly why, all three of them did feel honored.

  A centerpiece was quickly furnished by grabbing things from around the room. It consisted of a baseball trophy draped in Mardi Gras beads standing on a Precious Moments limited edition collectible plate. Five minutes of consultation was devoted to this, the man having Jason turn the plate slowly as he moved quickly from lamp to lamp turning them on or off in various combinations. Finally it was decided that the bat should face the south window and the player himself should look toward the kitchen. The overhead light was turned off, the standing lamp in the corner was turned to the middle setting, and the halogen lamp was at three-quarter strength. When Elisia and Jen suggested that the Venetian blinds should be opened halfway the man kissed them both, proclaiming their absolute genius. It was a simple arrangement, but with the ambient light striking it perfectly it was something close to beautiful.

  The man found a radio station playing jazz and began to hum along. None of the kids was breathing. Then in a magnanimous show of creation the man appeared with plates lined up on both arms. These were laid on the TV/sideboard. And then dinner was served.

  The top half of a pantyhose egg was used to serve the various delectables. Steamed apple peel, steamed potato with blackberry jam, steamed hot dogs julienne, a small side garnish of cold and heavily-peppered corn mixed with bits of processed American cheese slices, and the apples smashed, steamed, and buttered, covered in soy sauce.

  The kids stared at the feast.

  Jason began cautiously eating individual pieces of corn with his X-ACTO knife.

  Elisia decided to switch her sociology project from "The Modern Day Immigrant" to "Luxuries of the Homeless Life."

  And Jen looked toward the man who was leaning in the kitchen doorway drinking a beer. “Aren’t you going to join us?"

  Shaking his head adamantly, "Couldn't possibly. The chef never eats his own creation."

  Elisia raised her eyebrows and stared intently at the baseball trophy to keep from laughing.

  But following Jason's valiant lead the girls began to eat.

  As they were finishing up and helping the man wash his things and put them back into the bag, he held up a small Salvation Army bell and rang it intermittently.

  He put his hand over the bell and leaned toward them in condescending explanation. "My cell phone. I'll be just a minute." He leaned back on his heels assuming that crossed-arm-looking-around stance so many businessmen use on the street. "Yes. Oh, I know. I certainly do understand. If you aren't satisfied with the product we will by all means be willing to negotiate an exchange. No, sir, you should not even think of considering the competition. I back this business with everything I have. You need not worry. You need not worry. You need not worry."

  He was crying.

  Jason moved toward the telephone just to be ready. The girls stared in fear.

  Tossing the bell into the bag he vigorously took Elisia by the shoulders. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. I never meant to let things go this far. I thought I had that contract. I really did. We've still got each other. Don't go. Please don't go. Jesus, don't go. Okay. Okay. But if you really are going take my car. I can't stand to think of you in that old beast of yours." He pressed Elisia's keys into her hand. "No! No, but you can't take her. I'll never see her again. I can't believe this. This isn't us. Money isn't everything. Money isn't everything. Money isn't everything. Money—”

  Quickly and with his voice changing abruptly, he turned to Jason. He took Jason's hand in a firm handshake as though they were closing a deal. "I'm glad you were satisfied. I certainly hope we'll hear from you soon. If you have any problems at all you know to call. We'll have to get back out for some golf as soon as this foul weather breaks." He patted Jason hard on the shoulder and turned to Jen.

  He squatted down and kissed her forehead. Then as he stroked her hair and smiled he said in quiet reassuring tones, "I know, baby. You're right. It will be weird. But your mommy knows what's best for all of us. That's why I love her. As much as I like to think I take care of her she takes care of me too. And she'll take care of you too, honey. So be a big girl. And don't worry about Daddy. I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'll be fine."

  The man turned to Elisia and Jason with a finger to his lips implying that the child was asleep. He picked up his bag, careful not to let it rattle. He nodded curtly to Jason and mouthed, "I'll always love you," to Elisia as he backed out the door onto the porch.

  Without a word the three left in the room began to put things back in order. Elisia cleaned up the kitchen while Jen and Jason put the TV in the right place and the sheet back over the window. The closet was arranged again. The coffee table was wiped off. The Venetian blinds were closed. Elisia got her things together and got ready to leave. She smiled at Jen. Jen smiled back. They all stood in the living room that still smelled like the sewer. Jason cleared his throat and went to pull the Mardi Gras beads off the trophy.

  "Leave them." Jen caref
ully picked up the plate and placed the centerpiece on top of the television. Elisia opened her cigarette case and pulled one out. She looked at the lighter in her hand and thought vaguely of her father. She moved toward the door and pushed the screen door open. Jen began to cry, and Jason had nothing to say. But then Elisia came back in for a second and reaching toward the TV she turned the little plate slightly so that the man on the trophy faced the kitchen and his bat was pointed toward the south window.

  Sometimes love comes easily. And other times love comes so hard there is nothing left of you.

  NEWLYWEDS

  "Listen to this."

  "Oh God, come on. No more of that bullshit.”

  "Just one."

  "I'm tired. Why are you always trying to get better at everything? Just let it go." Electricity cost a lot. So they tried not to use the dryer much. He sat next to the pile of clean laundry on the couch. Faded colors were stacked on the bottom and strewn around his head were light colored towels that fought the humidity and pretended to dry. His boots were near the door and his feet were buried in a bright pile of plastic. Children's toys. "I swear that librarian must be damn sick of looking at you every day."

  She laughed and stood up. "No more than I am of you." She looked at the dishes and bottles in the sink and then turned her attention back to the television. Her hair was weak and hid behind her ears sheepishly. She moved around the small room, waiting.

  He tried again. "So what do you think about this weekend?"

  She looked at cans of pasta. Her mother never served pasta from a can. She looked at the vegetables and the tiny jars of baby food. She held onto a little gold cross on a necklace. She pulled it from one side of her neck to the other. She held in her mouth and rubbed it over her lips absently.

  Shutting the cabinet she said, "I can think of better things to do than listen to your brothers talk about their cars and sports and all their other bullshit.”