No Rules

by R. A. Spratt

  ‘Wainscott has been stripped of his scholarship and expelled,’ said the Headmaster. ‘I called a taxi for him. He packed his things and left an hour ago.’

  Friday’s vision began to blur and the room started to spin. She fainted.

  Chapter 7

  Dullness Ensues

  Friday was shell-shocked for days. Melanie had long teased her about being in love with Ian Wainscott, and she had always shrugged it off as silliness. But she was beginning to suspect that her roommate might be more insightful than she’d realised.

  For while she sincerely believed that she wasn’t in love with Ian, there was no denying the empirical evidence. When she saw Ian, her pulse raced, her breath quickened and she became less able to speak articulately.

  Friday had always reasoned that this was a normal hormonal response to seeing a good-looking boy. For there was no doubt that Ian was incredibly good-looking. But she could not explain her reaction now that Ian was gone. She felt malaise. Her spirits were low, her senses felt dull and usually simple tasks, such as getting out of bed in the morning, seemed to be heavy with futility.

  Friday was sitting in biology, staring out the window, thinking about how heavy her eyelids felt and wondering if she could rest them one eyelid at a time without falling asleep when she realised someone was yelling at her.

  ‘Barnes!’ yelled Mr Poshoglian.

  Friday turned to look at the teacher. His face was red. She couldn’t imagine what he could be so angry about.

  ‘What?’ she asked.

  ‘The function of the mitochondria in the cell?!’ demanded Mr Poshoglian.

  ‘Really?’ said Friday. ‘You’re a biology teacher and you don’t know?’

  ‘Of course I know!’ exclaimed Mr Poshoglian, ‘I’m asking if you know.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Friday.

  ‘Then what is it?’ yelled Mr Poshoglian. He was getting seriously agitated that his one student who knew anything seemed to have contracted a sudden bout of extreme ignorance.

  ‘Sorry, what was the question again?’ asked Friday.

  ‘It converts ATP to ADP, providing energy on a cellular level,’ said Melanie (with Friday so distracted, there had been a role reversal in their relationship and Melanie had been paying attention in class). ‘And you’ll have to excuse Friday, sir. She’s never suffered heartbreak before, and she’s taking it very badly.’

  ‘I’m not suffering heartbreak,’ protested Friday.

  ‘You see, she’s still in denial,’ said Melanie. ‘She’s got a long way to go in the grieving process.’

  ‘I’m not suffering heartbreak!’ yelled Friday again.

  ‘Ah, anger,’ said Melanie. ‘The third stage of grieving. Let it out, Friday. I know you’re not used to dealing with emotions, but it is healthier to let them out.’

  ‘Ladies!’ snapped Mr Poshoglian. ‘This is a biology class, not a therapy session. Save your discussions of boyfriends until after class.’

  ‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ protested Friday.

  ‘Well, of course he dumped you,’ said Mirabella Peterson, one of Friday’s less pleasant classmates. ‘You got him expelled from school.’

  ‘Hot boys don’t like that kind of thing,’ agreed Tia Babcock, knowledgably.

  ‘He is not … actually he is hot,’ said Friday. ‘That’s just a fact. I can’t argue with that.’

  ‘Right, that’s it!’ declared Mr Poshoglian. ‘Barnes, get out! Go and see the Headmaster.’

  ‘Good idea,’ said Melanie. ‘He’s always got chocolate biscuits. Ask him to give you one. That will cheer you up.’

  ‘You get out too, Pelly!’ snapped Mr Poshoglian. ‘I’m sick of both of you and your teen angst.’

  ‘Friday is only twelve,’ said Melanie.

  ‘I don’t care!’ said Mr Poshoglian. ‘Get out of my classroom. We’re trying to study biology!’

  ‘I would have thought that adolescent courtship rituals fell under the subject area of biology,’ said Melanie as she packed up her books.

  ‘Get out!’ yelled Mr Poshoglian.

  ‘Mr Posh,’ said Melanie, ‘you’re going to have an aneurysm if you don’t calm down. Although I suppose that would be an instructive biology lesson as well.’

  Mr Poshoglian threw his whiteboard eraser at Friday and Melanie as they left. Luckily, he was terrible at throwing and the eraser just hit the fume cupboard in the corner of the room.

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ asked Melanie as she and Friday trudged across the quadrangle.

  ‘What?’ asked Friday.

  ‘Ian,’ said Melanie.

  ‘No,’ said Friday, ‘I realise I’m out of sorts, but I’m sure it’s nothing to do with that. It’s probably a delayed reaction to living in an airport lounge for three weeks, or discovering that I was citizenshipless. That would make more sense.’

  ‘You keep telling yourself that,’ said Melanie. ‘I think you’d better stay in denial. I don’t think you’ve got the skills to come up with a more sophisticated emotional response.’

  ‘Huh?’ said Friday. Malaise really was turning her into a dullard.

  When they got to the Headmaster’s office the door was closed so the girls slumped on the bench outside. Friday shut her eyes. She felt so weary. But she seemed to have lost the knack of falling asleep. She’d have to ask Melanie for a tutorial. She was an expert at instant slumber.

  The Headmaster’s door swung wide. Friday’s eyes snapped open and she instinctively sat up so as not to be caught slouching.

  But it wasn’t the Headmaster who stepped out. It was a large man with wavy, greying brown hair, wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt that read ‘Learning is cool!’ He noticed Friday and Melanie sitting on the bench and grinned at them. There was something a little too wide-eyed and manic about his grin.

  ‘Hello girls. You can call me VP Pete,’ said the man. ‘I hope you haven’t been sent to the Headmaster because you’ve been up to mischief.’

  Friday stared into the man’s eyes, then looked down at the sandals on his feet, before systematically inspecting him from the ground, back up to the top of his head.

  ‘You must be the new vice principal,’ said Friday.

  He flinched ever so slightly.

  ‘He doesn’t look like a vice principal,’ said Melanie.

  ‘On the contrary,’ said Friday. ‘He’s not wearing a visitor’s badge, so he must be a member of staff. He can’t be a regular teacher because he seems too happy and jovial. Teachers usually exude a sense of oppression. And he has the chipper disposition of a man in a position to bully others. Everything about him speaks of lower middle management.’

  ‘But the tie-dyed t-shirt?’ said Melanie.

  ‘I imagine the Headmaster did not have a lot of choice,’ said Friday. ‘Vice principals aren’t usually available at a moment’s notice. He would have been forced to hire someone with progressive educational theories.’

  VP Pete laughed. ‘Traditional educational theories haven’t been working well for this school, have they? I’m going to introduce some new, exciting teaching techniques and rebuild Highcrest Academy to make it a safe and supportive environment.’

  ‘He’s going to knock the buildings down and rebuild them?’ asked Melanie.

  ‘I suspect he will start out rebuilding in the figurative sense,’ said Friday. ‘Before he actually gets into bricklaying.’

  ‘I’m going to rebuild your minds,’ said VP Pete. ‘Education these days needs to be about emotional intelligence, linear thinking and resilience.’

  ‘Good luck with that,’ said Friday. ‘I hope you find your own personal transition from unemployment to school administration to be a smooth one.’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ said VP Pete, his warm smile growing slightly chillier.

  ‘You’ve clearly been unemployed for some time,’ said Friday. ‘You have no muscle tone in your lower back and legs, which is symptomatic of a man who watches television for ten to twelve hours per day. You are extreme
ly pale, which is consistent with never leaving the house, although you are marginally less pale on the left side of your face, suggesting that your living room has a window to the right of the television. This also explains why you haven’t entirely succumbed to rickets, as you have been getting some sunlight on your skin. And the skin on your feet is a strange blue colour. You clearly have terrible circulation. No classroom teacher has that problem, because they spend so much time standing on their feet. Also, you’re above the healthy weight range for a man of your height and, statistically, unemployed people are prone to eating high-calorie food to cheer themselves up, specifically chocolate.’

  ‘Are you usually this challenging of authority?’ asked VP Pete, rapidly resembling a hippie less and less.

  ‘Yes, she is usually rude,’ said Melanie, ‘but she doesn’t mean to be. She’s just stating facts. She doesn’t realise that the truth is often socially unpalatable.’

  ‘Well, you’re wrong on the last point,’ said VP Pete. ‘I never eat chocolate. Dairy doesn’t agree with me.’

  ‘Ah, too much cake and biscuits, then,’ said Friday. She’d clearly guessed right this time, because VP Pete blushed red with anger.

  Another man bustled out of the office, and as he hurried around VP Pete he bumped straight into Friday, knocking her over.

  ‘What are you doing there?’ asked the man. He was the same height and colouring as VP Pete, but he was much thinner. He seemed very angry.

  ‘I was just standing,’ said Friday, picking herself up from the ground.

  ‘Hello, Mr Abercrombie,’ said Melanie. ‘Friday, this is Lizzie and Max Abercrombie’s dad. He’s the president of the school council.’

  ‘So you’re Friday Barnes?’ snapped Mr Abercrombie. ‘Well, you’re exactly what’s wrong with this school. You’re not going to get away with your behaviour any longer.’

  ‘What behaviour?’ asked Friday. ‘My intelligence? My helpfulness?’

  ‘Don’t try to play your clever word games with me,’ said Mr Abercrombie. ‘I’m keeping a close eye over what happens at this school from now on. I’ll be watching you. We’ve finally got rid of that Wainscott menace –’

  ‘Ian?’ asked Friday. ‘I wouldn’t have thought a man in your position would even know about him.’

  ‘Oh, I know about that boy,’ said Mr Abercrombie. ‘His father was a member of the school council. It was only after he went to jail that we realised he’d defrauded us of $50,000 by claiming he would arrange to have the gym repainted, when really all he did was clean it with a high-pressure hose.’

  ‘And you didn’t notice right away?’ asked Friday. ‘Wasn’t the lack of fresh paint a clue?’

  ‘That’s not the point!’ said Mr Abercrombie. ‘The point is the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. We’re better off without his kind. We’ll be getting rid of a few more bad apples before this situation is sorted out. You mark my words.’

  ‘I have no need to mark your words,’ said Friday. ‘I am perfectly capable of remembering them. Irrational tirades always stick in my mind.’

  ‘I’m watching you,’ Mr Abercrombie said menacingly before he stormed off. VP Pete went with him.

  ‘He was really angry,’ said Friday.

  ‘He’s probably still cross about having his signature forged on those termination letters,’ said Melanie.

  ‘Barnes, is that you and Pelly out there?’ called the Headmaster.

  ‘Yes, sir,’ said Friday. ‘Mr Poshoglian got exasperated with us and sent us to talk to you.’

  ‘Did he?’ said the Headmaster. ‘He always was the vindictive type. Would you come in then? I can’t wait round all day while you chit-chat.’

  ‘Yes, sir,’ said Friday, heading into the office.

  ‘The door, Miss Pelly,’ said the Headmaster.

  Melanie closed the door behind her.

  ‘So you met the president of the school council?’ asked the Headmaster.

  ‘Yes, he seemed to have a lot of anger issues,’ observed Friday.

  ‘Do-gooders always do,’ said the Headmaster. ‘Highcrest Academy isn’t the only institution he graces with his organisational zeal. He’s chairman or treasurer of half a dozen charities and boards.’

  ‘And we met VP Pete,’ said Friday.

  ‘Yes, our newest member of staff,’ said the Headmaster. ‘The school council has forced me to appoint him.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Friday, ‘I worked that out.’

  ‘VP Pete didn’t like it,’ said Melanie. ‘I don’t think he appreciates Friday’s brand of deductive reasoning.’

  ‘What did you say?’ asked the Headmaster, sighing.

  ‘Nothing,’ said Friday.

  ‘You analysed his employment status based on the colour of his feet,’ Melanie reminded her.

  ‘And that’s offensive?’ asked Friday.

  ‘Most people don’t like having their feet observed,’ explained Melanie.

  ‘This is exactly what I didn’t want,’ said the Headmaster. ‘I need you to stay away from him. To stop causing trouble.’

  ‘I never cause trouble,’ protested Friday.

  ‘Ha!’ said the Headmaster. ‘Whenever there’s trouble, you’re right there.’

  ‘That’s only because you always ask me to fix it for you,’ said Friday.

  ‘Whatever the reason, I need you to stop it,’ said the Headmaster. ‘I need you to keep your head down.’

  ‘She’s unusually short for her age,’ said Melanie. ‘How much lower can you expect her head to go?’

  ‘Friday, now don’t let this go to your ego,’ said the Headmaster. ‘But I need you. I rely on you to help me with this incredibly difficult-to-manage student body. Which is why I don’t want you to do anything that might get you expelled.’

  ‘I never do anything that would get me expelled,’ protested Friday.

  ‘You snuck out searching for a swamp yeti, covered up for a Norwegian princess, and went orienteering with a prison escapee,’ the Headmaster reminded her.

  ‘Technically,’ conceded Friday.

  ‘I’m on my last warning here,’ said the Headmaster. ‘The school council is longing for an excuse to fire me. If the school degenerates into chaos again, they might close it down entirely.’

  ‘Surely they can’t?’ said Friday.

  ‘They can and they will,’ said the Headmaster. ‘There are too many developers and venture capitalists on the school council. The beautifully manicured grounds, heritage-listed buildings and natural wildlife would make this the perfect location for a golf resort.’

  ‘But this is where their children go to school,’ said Friday.

  ‘Very few of them still have children at the school,’ said the Headmaster. ‘Besides, they are the types who would sell their children and their grandmothers for a slice of a major development deal.’

  ‘So they’ve forced you to hire VP Pete?’ said Friday.

  ‘Yes, they’re making me work with a new age hippie because they’re trying to break my will,’ said the Headmaster.

  ‘By exposing you to new educational theories?’ said Melanie.

  ‘I don’t need new theories,’ said the Headmaster. ‘I’ve had forty years of educational reality. And the reality is that children, particularly the entitled, spoiled brats at this school, are nasty, selfish, devious little pieces of work and they don’t need hand-holding or to have their emotions explored. They need some short sharp punishment, which I’m not allowed to dole out anymore because heaven forbid their massively overblown self-esteems should take the slightest dent.’

  ‘You should write that up and put it in the prospectus,’ said Friday.

  ‘Yes, well, that just goes to show the strain I’m under,’ said the Headmaster, rubbing his forehead. ‘I’ve started speaking the truth, which will never do for a man in my line of work.’

  ‘Evidently,’ agreed Friday.

  ‘So I want you to behave,’ said the Headmaster.

  ‘Behave in what way?�
�� asked Friday.

  ‘Like a stick insect,’ said the Headmaster. ‘For the next ten weeks, while I’m on professional probation for the debacle of the sackings, I want you to be so inactive that you go completely unnoticed.’

  ‘I’ll try my best,’ said Friday.

  ‘No, I want you to do far better than your best,’ said the Headmaster. ‘I’ve seen your best up until now and it isn’t impressive. I want you to stop being yourself and do your very best impersonation of a normal student at this school.’

  ‘There are no normal students at this school,’ Melanie pointed out.

  ‘There are a great deal who are more normal than you two,’ said the Headmaster. ‘For the next ten weeks, copy them!’

  Chapter 8

  The New Regime

  The next morning an assembly had been called. Melanie was pleased because she had some of her best naps during assembly. Friday was happy too. She was going to observe the other students and see if she could get a better understanding of what ‘normal’ looked like. She was putting in a concerted effort. She had given up her brown cardigan, indeed all her own clothes, and was wearing an outfit of Melanie’s. But it did not fit. Not just in terms of size. Melanie was a lot taller than Friday. It didn’t fit her personality, either. Friday did not look right in clothes that were ironed and neatly presented.

  The music started and all the students stood as the teachers paraded in from the back of the hall. The Headmaster led the way and the new vice principal followed him. VP Pete wasn’t wearing tie-dye today. He was wearing a very bright floral Hawaiian shirt.

  ‘I don’t understand why I have to dress like a normal person when VP Pete doesn’t,’ said Friday.

  ‘Because you’re not in charge,’ said Melanie.

  ‘They should seriously think about asking me,’ said Friday. ‘I can handle quantum mechanics, DNA coding and Russian syntax, so school administration can’t be too hard.’

  ‘I think school administration is less about knowing the right answer and more about putting up with people,’ said Melanie.