"Why wouldn’t I?" His voice had a kick to it, like a laugh he’d choked on.
"You knew him before you knew me."
"Do you want me to disbelieve you?" Leo asked, the laughter now more recognizable.
"I want you to..." I stepped away from him, to the side, looking over my shoulder at his lips, willing him to stop smiling, and he did.
"What?"
Go away. Leave me alone. Stay. Stop making me feel—
"Piper. It’s understandable you’d be out of sorts, but I’m not the one who... well, you know."
"I know." Screwing my eyes shut, I turned my back on him again but he was there, always there. I didn’t even have to look to know he was there. I felt him.
"Turn around."
Don’t let him tell you what to do, Piper.
I turned around.
His hand went to my waist, resting on my hip bone and his thumb strained up, skirting an inch or two below my breast and I cursed the fabric separating his skin from mine.
"What did he say?"
"Who?"
"Richard." His name felt like a worm on my tongue.
"Oh." Leo scowled, his gaze following the progress of his hand as it slid up my waist, cupped my breast through my dress, moved higher. "Him. Nothing."
"I saw you speaking with him while I was picking up my laptop."
"He was just... being a douche."
"Yeah. I gathered."
"Oh, you know." His hand rested on my collarbone.
"No. I don’t. Tell me."
A heavy sigh. "Piper."
"Leo."
"He denied it, of course. Said he’d assumed you were a casual fling to me, so he thought he’d make a pass, given the nature of certain files he’d seen on your computer..."
"Oh."
"Hmm." Leo inclined his head, crooked his finger and ran it along the inside of my neckline. His fingertip tickled my skin.
"And..." I wasn’t sure if it was him touching me that made my heart beat faster or the thought of what I was about to say. "Did he say anything about what he’d found?"
A slow smirk twisted his lips. "Why? Are you worried I might find out your deep, dark secrets?"
"No." Yes. I am worried you might find something out to make you think less of me and I hate, hate, hate that your opinion matters so much. "I have no deep, dark secrets. Just stuff on my computer that he looked at."
"Come on, Piper. Everyone has secrets."
Without thinking I shrugged his hand off me and his head flicked up. His eyes widened momentarily before two vertical lines appeared above the bridge of his nose. A hint of a frown, but nothing more than that. "What...?"
"I also have the right to privacy, and to know what people have said about me while my back was turned, so if he said anything about me, I want to know."
"Piper, he didn’t say anything. Just a bunch of bullshit." Leo’s hand reached for me but I dodged out of his way. "What the...?"
"Leo, just tell me what he said."
"Nothing! Nothing that made any sense. Just that he’d..."
"He’d what?"
"Thought you..."
"Thought I what? Was an easy target?"
"More or less." He shrugged.
"Christ!" I pushed Leo away with both hands on his chest and it must have been surprise that unbalanced him and made him stumble backwards because it sure as hell couldn’t have been my brute strength against his. I’d lose every time on that front.
Every. Damn. Time.
"Hey." He neared me by one step but I kept him at arm’s length. He could so easily have overpowered me but made no attempt to do so.
My fingers curled and his shirt bunched under my hands. Still he made no attempt to pull my hands off him or near me against my will. "God, this is..."
He cocked his head as if waited for me to finish, listening intently.
"I hate..." My tongue refused to finish the sentence. I hate that I had to ask for help. "It’s not..." Fair. "I wish..." I didn’t want you so much. "You shouldn’t..." Be here because I asked for help. You should be here because you want to be. "This..." Spoils it all.
"Piper." Something in his gentle tone of voice told me that he wanted me to lower my arms. But I didn’t. Possibly couldn’t. "Piper." He waited a few seconds before taking my hands and lifting them away himself. It was easier for me to let him than to cede any ground by moving myself. As he stepped forward, my arms bent and I ended up with my hands against his shoulders. His hands snaked around my waist but I couldn’t look him in the eye. I didn’t dare tilt my head back.
"It’s not me you’re angry at. I’m not the one who—"
"You were—" I interrupted him, then interrupted myself by choking on my own words.
"I was what?" His hand crept up my back, cupped the back of my neck, tightened, as if he was trying to make me lean back to look him in the eye. But I resisted, and he didn’t force me. The tension between us remained, his hand a welcome pressure on my skin.
"You were... there," I heard myself say, and a metaphorical light came on. That was the problem.
"You asked me to be. You phoned me, remember?"
"I... I know. But... fuck." Again his shirt fabric bunched under my fingers and he inhaled sharply, though quietly. So quietly I wasn’t even sure if I’d heard it.
"Why did you phone me?" His breath warmed my forehead as it had so many time before but this was the first time it had felt uncomfortable.
My entire body longed to get away from him because I was dangerously close to not being able to let him go. Better to split now than to get too used to the way he felt under my palms.
Oh. Too late.
"Piper? Why did you phone me?"
"Because..." Say something. Anything. Even if it makes him step back. Especially if it makes him step back, because then he won’t be touching you and he won’t be feeding your addiction. "You were the one who’d recommended that place."
"Is that all?"
"I needed my computer back and I didn’t want to go back in there myself."
"Didn’t you have anyone else you could have called?"
"Are you trying to tell me I shouldn’t have phoned you?"
"Piper. I told you earlier I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t want to. You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to. I was there because I wanted to be."
"So why ask?"
"Because I want to know why it was me you phoned."
"Because my brother would have either taken the piss or gotten angry—"
"I got angry."
"Yes, but not at me."
"He would have been angry at you?"
"No. No, I don’t think so. He would have been angry on my behalf, I think," I guessed, imagining Matthias’s reaction to the incident when I told him.
"I’m angry on your behalf."
"Yes, but you’re..."
"I’m what?"
"You’re not family. I knew I’d have to see Matthias again."
Leo sucked in a breath through pursed lips. He stood back, shaking his head and the disapproval in his eyes damn near killed me. "That was cold, Holt. Real fucking cold."
"But... but... he’s always around. And you’re... not."
"So... let me get this straight. You asked for my help because you figured you wouldn’t be seeing me again anyway, so fuck it, who cared how things went?"
And then I realized. It wasn’t disapproval in his eyes.
It was disappointment.
No, not quite. Something else.
"No, it wasn’t like that at all..." But my voice was quiet. Uncertain.
"Then..." His jaw clenched and he swallowed back whatever he’d been about to say. He inhaled slowly. Gave speech another attempt. "Did you ever wonder why I came into the diner that day?"
"I figured if you had a reason you’d tell me."
A quiet laugh. "Jesus, Piper, you don’t make things easy for me, do you?"
"What else was I supposed to say?"
"F
uck." He stiffened, lifted his head, looked down at me and stroked the back of my neck, making it clear he wanted me to look him in the eye, so I did, but it was excruciating to do so. "Give me something here. Don’t make me do all the work."
"What do you want me to do?"
"You love those loaded questions, don’t you? I wanted to see you again. That’s why I came into the diner. I had some free time and drove back after a meeting to see you."
"But you didn’t know I’d be working that day. Why not just phone?"
"I wanted to see you, not speak to you on the fucking phone. Jesus, Piper; are you deliberately being obtuse?"
"No. I just don’t..." Couldn’t continue.
"Don’t what?"
Don’t want to hear you say it, because then I’ll get used to it.
"You really don’t realize what you’re doing here? Wow, let’s see... you practically admit you called me over your brother because you wouldn’t have to see me again, so it didn’t matter what happened. Didn’t ask why I came in to see you at work, added to which you’re acting like my touch is suddenly repellent after I went out of my way to come pick you up—"
"You said you didn’t mind!"
"Would it have killed you to show a bit more gratitude?"
"Gratitude? Right, thank you for coming to my rescue. I—"
"Know what? On second thought, don’t bother. If I have to extort a thank you, or any honesty out of you, it means fuck all." He lifted his hands away from my face, held them inches from my skin and glared at me, as if waiting for me to say something.
"Leo, I..."
His eyebrows lifted. Giving me nothing.
Which was, apparently, all that I’d given him.
"I called because..." Still nothing on his face but a blank stare, lit only by the occasional flash of anger in his eyes. "I needed..." Nothing, nothing, nothing. "I wanted someone to help me get my computer back, and as you’d recommended the shop, you were the first person I thought of, and... Christ, Leo, say something."
His lips pursed briefly and I couldn’t take my eyes off them. From not wanting to look at him from being unable to tear my gaze away.
"I know," he said. "Not nice, is it?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"The truth would be a good start."
"That was the truth."
"So you called me for no other reason than the technicality of me being the one who put you in touch with Richard?"
"Yes."
"Absolutely no other reason? Because that’s really rubbing it in, you know. And before you ask rubbing what in, let me tell you, to make it clear getting information out of me isn’t like getting blood out of a stone. I’ll be honest with you. No, I didn’t realize Richard Taylor was such a sleazebag but have you ever considered that I might feel the tiniest bit guilty for putting you in that situation and yes, thank you for giving me the opportunity to redeem myself by getting you out of it. No, honestly, there’s no need to show gratitude, I know, I know. I’m just the asshole who got you in trouble after trying to help you out. Don’t worry about how bad I feel. I probably deserve it for making Princess Piper so fucking vulnerable."
"Oh." The sudden absence of contact when he pushed himself away from me and turned his back hurt. It hurt. Either way it sucked the oxygen out of my lungs and when he picked his jacket up from the arm of the settee my heart sank.
"Don’t."
Pulling his jacket on, still with his back turned, he stopped, with one arm halfway through the sleeve and threw over his shoulder, "Don’t what?"
Don’t make me hate you. If you make me say what I’m thinking, I’ll hate you for making me vulnerable.
"Don’t go." I couldn’t believe I’d said it. "At least, not like this. At least tell me what I’ve done."
He turned, slowly, shrugging into his jacket as he did so, and a line from a Christina Rossetti poem came to mind: Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
"You really want to know what you’ve ‘done’? You want to know why I’m pissed off with you? Are you sure you can stand to hear it?"
"Tell me."
He cocked his head, shrugged. "Very well. I’m annoyed that you claim to have only called on me today because I’m not a family member therefore you wouldn’t have to see me again. I mean, if my company is so repulsive or damned inconvenient, fair enough, but please, don’t use me to get you out of a sticky situation and then dismiss me so easily. It would have been kinder all round if you had asked... Matthias, was it? I mean, sure, you would have had to have faced him again, but as a sibling, I’m sure he wouldn’t have made too much of having seen his sister in a..." He frowned as he faltered, adjusting his jacket and staring into the middle distance. "My God, that’s it." He focused on me again. A rueful smile played on his lips. "That’s it, that’s why you’re being such a bitch."
Amazement kept me mute.
"You can’t stand the fact I didn’t just clear off as soon as you got your fucking computer back. You wanted my help and you wanted the guy who saw you vulnerable to fuck off instead of sticking around to remind you that you might need other people occasionally. I mean, Jesus, if that happened you might actually be obligated to give something in return. Good luck to your brother. Maybe he’s spent the last quarter century learning how to put up with your bullshit but I really can’t be bothered. Look." He took a deep breath as he did up his buttons and I suspected he was giving himself something to do so he didn’t have to look at me. "I was glad when you phoned ’cause it was an excuse to see you again despite the circumstances. I figured if I waited, eventually I’d catch you when you weren’t going through a fucking crisis and I’d at last have your attention long enough to be able to ask you out properly, but... Christ, I only wanted to..."
That was it. I had royally fucked up. Whatever he wanted, I wanted it too. Such realizations always came a moment too late.
"Don’t worry, Piper." He winked, and my heart leapt. Perhaps it was all right after all. "I’m pretty sure I can cure myself of that affliction soon enough."
I screwed my eyes shut as he left the room, tried not to hear his footsteps as they thudded down the hall but the sound echoed in my head, and it was only after the door clicked shut—a surprisingly gentle sound after such an exit—that I realized it wasn’t his footsteps I heard after all.
Twenty Four
"Okay, enough of this." Matthias dropped the wooden spoon and it clattered against the edge of the pan. The meat and onions sizzled, spreading the aroma of the chili around his small kitchen and, sitting at his drop leaf ‘dining table’, I sniffed. Partly out of emotion, partly because my brother was the best cook I knew. Well. Maybe the second best now.
"What’s up with you?" he asked. Demanded, even.
I’d known it would come to this. We often spent social time together, but he must have heard something in my voice when I’d suggested we get together for dinner one evening. What’s more, I’d suggested coming to his house, which was unusual given that I’d called him. "You’ve got a bloody cheek!" he’d said, but for some reason, agreed.
"There must be something wrong," he continued. "You didn’t say ‘nothing’, which is the usual woman’s answer when you ask what’s up. Don’t you lot expect us blokes to be mind readers?"
Taking a deep breath I lifted my clasped hands from under my chin and laid them flat on the table, bracing myself. "I think I fucked up."
"Oh?" Matthias frowned, inclined his head. His entire body stiffened then as he gave me all his attention. No gentle mockery or good natured ribbing between siblings.
"I..." A ball of emotion swelled up in my throat and it took two or three swallows to beat it back down. "I met someone."
"Oh." A pause, while he thought it over. "Does this someone have a name?"
"Leo."
"So... you fucked up?"
"As only I can, yes."
Matthias exhaled slowly, groaning. "You like him?"
"Yeah. I do." It was a relief to say it, but
painful at the same time.
"You must do, to be concerned about fucking up. You normally just walk away and move on to another victim."
"Math..."
"I know what you’re thinking, Pipes, but no, I wasn’t referring to Gray. Not specifically. I’ve seen it happen time and time again. Even with Andrew. Man, of all the blokes you could have dated properly, you chose him?"
"I realize I... I just don’t know why."
"I do."
"Oh?" I lifted my head a little, waited for him to explain.
"Yeah. He was easy to walk away from. Think about it." Matthias turned back to the pan when the contents started sizzling. As he stirred, he explained. "He looked good, I’ll give him that. And I’m assuming you fancied him."
"Yeah. I did. We had some fun in bed—"
"Argh!" Matthias yelped, and I wondered if he’d burned himself at the cooker. "Piper does not have a sex life. She is my sister. She is a virgin. La, la, la, not listening!"
"Okay, okay, I fancied him but we never played hide the sausage. Ever."
"Good. Good, now where was I?"
"I dated Andrew because he was easy to walk away from."
"Yeah. That’s right. Listen, don’t take offence but I used to look at you with Andrew and think, well, you never seemed completely into him. As if it was never permanent."
"You can’t tell that. Even if your intentions are good, if something’s new you can never tell if it’s going to last forever."
"No, no, but... it just seemed to me like you didn’t want it to last forever with him. Anyway." Matthias shrugged, continued stirring the pot. "I figured he was a placeholder boyfriend until someone better came along. Like you were off the market for a bit, bored with being a player, thought you’d take some time off, then when you got bored with him after a few months, he’d be on his way."
I opened my mouth to protest, but instantly realised something important. He was right. "Maybe."
"No maybes," he muttered. "I just don’t get why all these adventures have to be with different people."
"They don’t. It’s just that I’ve never found a man who was equal to my demands."
"Demands?"
"Desires. Urges."
"Which you don’t have, because you’re all sweet and innocent, right?" He chuckled. "So. This Leo. Tell me about him."
Long Time Coming Page 24
