"Oh..." I shrugged. "I don’t know what to say."
"Where’d you meet him?"
"Kelleher’s. We swapped numbers and hooked up a week later. We only stayed out for one drink then came home for—"
"Skip the bits I wouldn’t want to hear."
"We ended up spending the whole weekend together. He cooked. He made me laugh. I went back to his place."
"You what? Are you crazy? Pipes, I don’t even like the thought of you bringing guys back to your—"
"Math, Math, it was fine. Honestly. I trusted him." A chill ran through me at those words. How true they were. He was trustworthy, and I’d blown it.
"Hmm. I know what blokes are like."
"Oh fuck off. Some women are only after one thing too, bro." As his eyes widened and his eyebrows lifted, I added, "Uh, but I would never do that with him. Or anyone. Until I’m married. And even then, probably not."
"Right..."
"Anyway. We parted ways, he visited me at work. Just came in one day to see me, and... well..."
Matthias whistled through his teeth. "Out of the blue?"
"Yep."
"Hmm. Okay, so he’s keen. Go on."
"He recommended the computer shop where I got my laptop spit-polished." I’d told Matthias that it had gotten a virus, not how or from whom. Neither had I told him what had happened at the computer shop. I’d wanted to gloss over the whole incident but now it was the time for talking, I took a deep breath and told him.
The whole story.
"Piper. Why the fuck didn’t you tell me about this guy? I would’ve—"
"I know exactly what you would have done, Math. But Leo already did that, remember?"
"Yeah. Cool. I like this guy already. When do I get to meet him?"
"Um, well..."
"Ah. This is where the ‘Piper Holt fucks up yet again’ comes in, huh?"
"You have such a way of making me feel loved."
He shook his head, peered into the pot where the rice boiled. "Hmm. Few more minutes, then we’re done here I think. So yeah, I show my love by not putting up with your bullshit."
My heart leapt. His philosophy sounded so much like Leo’s it wasn’t true. "I think you’d like him. Something tells me."
"Then you better unfuck up and sort it, shithead."
"I don’t know." I tapped my fingernails on the table, realized I wasn’t particularly hungry but it was a bit late to tell him that now. "It might be beyond unfuckifying."
"So what did you do?"
"What did I do?"
"Yeah. You told me you fucked up. And that’s believable. You’re a Holt. It was probably all your fault."
"Math, you’re not helping."
"Sorry." He sighed, relaxed his stirring arm for a moment and glanced over at me. "Are you really hurting?"
I cleared my throat, started to speak, failed and shut up again to gather my thoughts.
"Course you are. Right. What happened? And I make no assumptions that it was down to you. Come on. ’Fess up."
"Oh, it was my fault. It was. I said some things... I just don’t know why I said them..."
"Break it down for me."
"I pushed him away."
"And... I’m assuming he didn’t want to be pushed?"
"No. I don’t think..." My throat closed painfully around the words and I had to swallow down that ball of regret again. "I believed..."
"Come on, sis. Spit it out."
"Okay. You won’t laugh?"
"Fuck no!" Again the wooden spoon clattered against the side of the frying pan. "Jesus, I know I take the piss but you’re my sister. Come on, I promise."
"I thought... I thought he was only after some fun and that was what I wanted too. But I got to like him, and I think I pushed him away because I didn’t want to get used to him. In case..."
"In case he didn’t feel the same, and left?"
"Yeah. That’s about the size of it."
"Hmm. Well I’ve got news for you, Pipes. Newsflash: men have feelings too."
"Yes, but does Leo? That’s what I don’t know."
"Piper." Matthias tutted and flicked off the cooker rings. "Don’t be so stupid."
"What?"
"You heard me."
"Yes, I did but—"
"Tell me exactly what you said to him and how he reacted. As close to his exact words as you can remember. It might help you clear things up in your own mind. But I’d lay money on it... Anyway, what happened after you’d been to the computer shop?"
"He drove me home. He came upstairs."
"And...?"
And again, I updated my brother on how Piper Holt, spinster of this parish, had monumentally screwed up. Sure, I’d had relationships before. Proper ones where I dated the guy as well as fucked his brains out. Some I even really cared about. But not like this.
And Leo and I didn’t even have a relationship, so it was a mystery to me why I should care this much.
"But the fact is," Matthias said when I’d finished, "you do care. Sometimes you have to stop analyzing it and just accept that it is."
"Or was. Before it even got anywhere..." I interlocked my fingers again and rested my chin on my hands. "Matthias, can I asked you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you think... do you think Leo really did..."
"Piper." He hung his head while shaking it and, to my surprise, smiling. "You really are dense sometimes. The bloke admitted he was gonna ask you out, he decks a guy for defiling your honor, gets pissy when you push him away—physically push him away. And we know he didn’t have to do that. He’s taller than you, yeah? Stronger? He could have resisted, but he let you. You know what? I actually feel sorry for him. Sure, you were upset and this Richard fella—quite frankly I feel like decking him myself—but there was no need for you to cold shoulder Leo. You could’ve had a good thing going there, and—"
"I know." I buried my head in my hands, couldn’t bear to think about it any further.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, a reassuring squeeze. "Well, strictly speaking you never know until you... look, Piper. We both know you fucked up and there’s nothing that can change that but it’s certainly not as bad as you might think. Speak to the guy. Call him, whatever. It’s not like you can’t get in touch with each other."
"But what if..." I couldn’t bring myself to say it. What if I took that risk and it came to nothing?
"You never know until you try." Matthias bent to kiss the top of my head and whispered, "If you’re anything like the sister I think you are, you’ll have to swallow your pride and find out, because that’d be better than never knowing at all."
Twenty Five
I shouldn’t be doing this.
This is such a bad idea.
I’d be better off at home.
The guy beside me at the bar winked when I approached and I could have sworn he looked me up and down, though in an appreciative way rather than leering. We’d crossed paths a couple of times, appeared to like the music playing in this room of the club, so it was inevitable we’d catch sight of each other from time to time.
"You again," he said, having to move in close to make himself heard. He leaned one elbow on the bar, but still managed to twist his body so he half-faced me.
"Me again." I winked back and eyed his left arm. From a distance I’d thought it looked like his muscle tight dark tee shirt had one sleeve longer than the other but up close, had seen it was a decorative tattoo stretching presumably from his shoulder all the way down to his wrist.
Me and my tattoo fetish. This guy had more ink than Leo.
Staring at him now, I told myself, Yes. Yes I do want to know what else is under that shirt. Anger made me horny, even though I chose not to analyse why I felt such irritation. "Can I see your tattoo?"
He grinned and under the artificial, flashing lights of the club, his teeth flashed unnaturally white. So white they were almost blue. "Don’t you want to know my name first?"
"I’m Piper."
/> "Piper? I’ve never heard of anyone with that name before. I’m Jamie."
"Hello Jamie. Now can I see your tattoo?"
"Sure." He rolled his short sleeve right up to the shoulder and turned so his left arm was towards me, his back to the bar. "See? Just a tattoo."
His skin was like velvet under my touch. I couldn’t fully appreciate the colors but the design was easy enough to make out. Tigers, tropical birds, leaves, petals, so many elaborately but exquisitely drawn animals and plants I gasped.
"This is the most beautiful tattoo I’ve ever seen."
"Thanks. I say that like I deserve the credit for it. I kinda designed it, but I wish I could say I could draw like that."
"Must have taken hours."
"Christ yeah."
"I bet it hurt."
"Is that why you like guys with tattoos, then? ’Cause they can take the pain?"
"Sure is." Hell, Piper, why not turn on the charm full force? I batted my eyelashes at him and almost laughed out loud at his response—his eyes widened, he smiled, looked away for a moment. Probably blushed too, though I couldn’t see under the occasional flashes of neon although I could make out the sharpness of his cheekbones and the vague shadow across his jaw. Not stubble, just a darkness that suggested in a few hours he’d need a shave.
He—Jamie—held on to my shoulder as he dipped his head to mine again. "I bet I know what your next question will be."
"Oh?"
"Yes, I do have more. No, I can’t show you them all in public. Oh, and I don’t have any piercings either. Can I buy you a drink?"
My heart skipped. What harm could it do? "Smirnoff Ice, thanks." While he tried to attract the attention of the barman I looked around. In a club on my own? Am I crazy?
"So." Jamie slid the Smirnoff Ice bottle along the bar towards me.
"I’m a waitress."
"Huh?"
"That was your next question."
"You must be psychic."
I licked my lips, while staring at his. I hadn’t drunk any alcohol up to that point, having stuck to soft drinks yet was supremely confident. He wasn’t Leo, so I didn’t have to worry about impressing or offending him. I could just be myself without any concern for his reaction, because he meant nothing to me.
He’s not Leo.
I continued to stare, particularly at his bottom lip, full and probably very, very kissable. Just like his tattoos—both the one I’d seen and the promised ones I hadn’t. And I wondered what it would be like to lean over and kiss him, taste his skin. I had no qualms about kissing a man in public, had done so many a time before, and wanted to feel attractive again. Wanted to prove someone wanted me.
But he’s not Leo.
"Would you excuse me for a minute? I need to go freshen up."
He smiled, and the corners of his eyes crinkled, so I knew it was genuine. "Do that girly thing women do like go to the ladies’ in packs, or discuss boys behind their backs?"
"Something like that." He wasn’t to know I was here alone. I shuffled sideways through the crowd pressing towards the bar, and grinned at him, and as soon as my back was turned, the grin fell off my face and my shoulders slumped. I fought my way through the crowds, around the sunken dance floor and headed for the corridor leading to the ladies’.
It was so obvious. So, so plain.
He wasn’t Leo.
No one in this place was. No one else was, full stop.
I left my bottle in a dark corner and headed for the cloakroom. Within a minute I was outside, doing up the buttons and tie belt of my coat. As I’d left early there’d been no queue.
And I’d probably find it easy to get a taxi at this time of night too.
Okay, Piper, do it now.
Find out where you’ll be getting that taxi to.
Nerves got the better of me as I started walking and the cold whipped at my hair. It was a Saturday night. Technically, early hours of Sunday morning. He could be out.
Somewhere near me.
Or out with... someone—
No, Piper Holt. Stop thinking like that.
Before my nerves got the better of me I fished my mobile out of my handbag, scrolled through my list of names and...
Faltered. I’d been walking confidently. Striding, despite my high heels, and came to a halt, grateful there was no one right behind me to complain about my emergency stop.
Tapping my thumb against my mobile phone, I bit my bottom lip so hard I tasted blood.
Call.
My nervous thumb hit the button and I held the phone to my ear.
Listening to it ring at the other end nearly made my heart drop through my stomach.
"Fuck." Voicemail. What now? Hang up? Leave a message? Try again later?
Maybe he was deliberately ignoring my calls-
"Hi, Leo? It’s Piper." Oh, what a stupid fucking thing to say. If he ignored your call and left it to go to voicemail, of course he’d know who it was. "Uh, listen, I... I was calling because I’m in town tonight and I thought you might be out or nearby, or..." Oh Piper, it doesn’t matter what you thought. What matters is how you feel.
My eyes closed, and I took a deep breath. He wasn’t picking up, so did it really matter what I said?
"And I miss you." My stomach turned over when I heard myself utter those words. Sick with the feeling of exposure, my eyes watered, my heart rate sped up.
Damage done, Piper.
And I didn’t care. I’d said it, and I didn’t care. It wasn’t so bad, being honest, after all. I could have cried, sniffed back the emotion and spoke again. "I just miss you, is all."
Realization of what I’d done gripped me and I hung up. It wasn’t fear; more an alien sense of liberation. I’d done it.
Maybe not to his face, but circumstances hadn’t allowed it. Would I have had the bottle to say those three little words if he’d been standing in front of me? I didn’t know. But said them I had, in my own way.
If he calls back before I get to the taxi rank, I’ll go to his place. Or meet him wherever he is.
Normally one to walk confidently, chin up, arms swinging when on my own late at night, to give a don’t mess with me impression to anyone else abroad at that late hour, I walked on this occasion very, very slowly. Giving Leo every chance I could to catch me before I reached the corner of the street where the cabs lined up.
Gripping my phone, I was almost scared to reach that corner, because once there, if a cab awaited, I’d have nothing else to do but get in and go home. I checked it a few times, knowing there wouldn’t be anything to see because I’d have heard it ring and each time I did so my heart sank a little further.
Fuck, maybe I called the wrong person by accident.
No, stupid idea. You heard his voicemail message. How many Irish people do you know?
All the same, I checked my recent calls log.
Yep, definitely Leo Carson.
Maybe he didn’t—
Shaking my head, I told myself, no, Piper. You left the message, and yes, he got the message. Or it’ll be there waiting for him when he checks. You’ve done all you could.
And that feeling of finality, so soon after the euphoria of my realization he was the one I wanted, brought tears to my eyes again.
He was the one.
As soon as I opened the passenger door of the first cab in the taxi rank and got in, the driver threw the typical line at me. "Where to, love?"
I took a deep breath, gave him my address and went home.
Twenty Six
Every activity became monotonous by virtue of the fact it was something I wasn’t doing with, for, because of him. Every other man lost his individuality, labeled in comparison to he whom he was not. A name in negative. Not Leo, not Leo, not Leo. Customers in the diner, whose entrance made me crane to see the door whenever the bell tinkled. Men I passed on the street. Guys who called me. Even Matthias, who phoned to ask how I was. Names on my mobile phone screen, screen names on emails, signatures on credit card slips at work,
none of them Leo.
I escaped to the locker room round about the time I knew Matthias would be on his lunch break and checked my phone.
Nothing.
My heart couldn’t sink any further than it already had, so it made no difference to my mood.
My blood pressure, on the other hand, was up and down like a yo-yo. Every time the door of the diner opened, all of my senses went on high alert, and given the amount of customers we had each day, that was a frequent event. Then when I saw who this new customer was not, the adrenaline disappeared, leaving me light-headed.
I could curse you, Leo Carson. Your coming here even once means I’ll forever be looking out for you doing so again.
"Hey, Piper. How’s it going?" Matthias greeted me.
"You don’t mind me calling?"
"Nah, course not. I don’t have long, though. We’re short staffed, so they’ve asked me to go back early. How’s work?"
"Hellish. I can’t stay on long either, this isn’t an official break, I’ve sneaked off."
"Better watch. You’ll get in trouble."
"I don’t really care."
He tutted down the line. "Piper. That’s not the way to think."
"I know, I know, but... I wonder if I should take a holiday from work? What do you think?"
"Might do you some good."
"Yeah, it’d stop me looking at the door every five seconds waiting for Leo to come in."
"Still no word?"
"No. Doesn’t look like there will be, either. I don’t know why... oh buggeration. Look, Math, I must be getting right on your tits with this. I’m even annoying myself—"
"No, no, Piper. You’re not. Honestly. Stop trying to rush yourself into feeling better."
"I like to be doing something, that’s all."
"Have you thought about contacting him again?"
"I already left a voicemail. It’s been a few days now. He obviously doesn’t want..."
"Maybe he doesn’t know what to say in reply."
"Bollocks. I basically laid it on the line. What more can I say?"
"Maybe he’s thinking it over. He might be having trouble deciding what to say."
"Even if he wants me to fuck off, he should at least call back and tell me so."
Long Time Coming Page 25
