Credence

by Penelope Douglas

  I need more.

  I start to move my mouth and kiss him back, slipping my tongue past his lips little by little, moaning and tasting him until I don’t think I’ll ever get enough.

  His mouth eats me up, moving over me, kissing the corners of my mouth and nibbling the flesh of my bottom lip, and I put my hand on his at my stomach and guide him down, pushing him to the V between my legs.

  His kissing falters as he gasps, and I use the reprieve to try to catch my breath. He bites my bottom lip again, our hands massaging my pussy as his other leaves my face and grabs my breast, squeezing it.

  I moan. “Jake.”

  Leaving my mouth, he trails down my neck, and all I can do is let my head fall back and take it as he pulls the strap of my tank top down, the faint sound of a tear hitting my ears, but I don’t care. He nibbles, bites, and sucks on my neck, shoulders, and over my shoulder blades as he continues kneading my breast and making my panties so wet as he rubs me through them.

  “Jesus, fuck.” He pushes me over the sink, gripping my waist with both hands as he trails his mouth down my back, my thighs, and back up to my ass, taking a mouthful between his teeth.

  I cry out, the torn straps of my tank top hanging down as I grip the ledge of the counter.

  Rising back up, he turns my face toward him again and kisses me as I reach behind me, finding his erection through his jeans and rubbing him.

  He grips my hand. “No, Tier—”

  “I’ve never touched a man before,” I breathe out. “I wanna touch you.”

  He lets out a sigh, but he releases me, kissing me deep and hard, his tongue lighting every nerve in my body as he grips and feels and runs his hands over every part of me that he can reach.

  He thrusts into me from behind, and I’m a mess—a puddle—in his arms, ready for him.

  “Take me to bed,” I beg.

  He thrusts again as I reach behind and hold onto his neck.

  “Take me to bed and give me that kiss goodnight.”

  “Yeah,” he grunts, dry-fucking me against the sink.

  My head swims behind my closed eyes, and I’m too high to think or care about anything except making this last forever.

  He covers my mouth again, and I take his hand and guide it down inside my panties.

  But he suddenly tears his mouth away and pulls his hands off me. “Fuck, stop.” He backs away, breathing hard as the chill suddenly hits my skin. “No. No, we can’t.”

  I shudder, the ache of need nearly making my knees give out. Tears spring to my eyes.

  “This isn’t happening,” he growls. “I’m your uncle. I’m your fucking uncle.”

  “You were never my uncle,” I grit out, spinning around. “You’re a no-relation stranger my parents sent me to live with.”

  His face is flushed, like mine I’m sure, and sweat glistens on his tanned temples.

  “You’re my responsibility,” he tells me.

  “But it felt good.”

  Pain hits his eyes, and I know he felt it, too. “It felt good tonight,” he says, “but it’ll feel like shit in the morning.”

  I shake my head, not caring. I don’t care.

  “I’m lonely and an emotionally stunted child, and you’re the first woman I’ve been around long enough to get connected to in the past twenty years.” He stands up straight, running a hand through his hair. “And you’re just a neglected orphan, desperate for attention. That’s all this is.”

  “Desperate…” I stare at him, my face cracking.

  No.

  I’m not desperate. I’ve had opportunities, but I never wanted it. Until now. I chose this.

  But he looks at me hard. “You scream at night,” he says. “In your sleep. You never talk about them. You’re running from that life as fast as you can, and I won’t be your gateway drug. I’ll hate myself.”

  I chew on my lip. He hears me at night?

  “This is acting out.”

  “It’s not.” I shake my head, hearing a door slam shut upstairs.

  He inches close again, speaking low. “You threw away your candy,” he says. “You don’t accept Noah’s invitations to the track when he goes to practice. You don’t engage Kaleb when he’s fighting you. You still barely join us for meals or in front of the TV at night.”

  I drop my eyes and clench my teeth, overwhelmed. Why is he doing this? Everything felt so good a minute ago.

  “You don’t laugh or play or want anyone or have passion for anything,” he goes on. “You have no hobbies, no interests, no boyfriends at home… Ever, am I right?”

  I look away, but he comes in and cups my face. I jerk away, but he holds tight, and I can’t stop it from spilling over. Tears starts to stream.

  “You never smile,” he says quietly as the music and noise rage in the faraway recesses of the house. “You never feel joy. No dreams for the future. No plans. You have no fight in you. You’re barely alive, Tiernan.”

  I struggle for air, sobbing as he holds me.

  “It wasn’t always like that, though, was it?” he asks but doesn’t wait for me to answer. “It couldn’t have been. You must’ve loved things. Wanted things. Things that made you happy.”

  He kisses my forehead.

  “You are beautiful,” he tells me, “and pulling my body away from yours was the most pain I’ve ever been in, but I did it, because it was the right thing to do.”

  “It didn’t feel that way.”

  “Because feeling anything felt good,” he throws back. “You have a lot of big emotions going through that young mind of yours right now, and you needed a release. You broke. I could’ve been anyone.”

  I shake my head, pulling away from him. “It was more than that.”

  But he looks at me sternly. “Why did you throw the candy away, Tiernan?”

  What?

  “I…” I search for my words. “I didn’t want it. You…you made me get it.”

  “That’s bullshit. Why did you throw it away?”

  “Because I didn’t want it!” I say again. “It’s just candy. What the hell? What does it matter?”

  “You threw it away, because it did matter,” he barks.

  I start to walk away.

  But he grabs my arm. “Don’t you see? That’s what happened.” He turns me around, but I turn my head away, refusing to look at him. “At some point, you started denying yourself anything that made you happy. Out of spite, maybe? Or pride? Candy? Toys? Pets? Affection? Love? Friends?”

  I flex my jaw, but I’m breathing hard as he shakes me.

  “And I know that, because I did it, too,” he tells me. “You don’t want to smile, because if you do, it means everything they did to you didn’t matter. And it has to matter or else they’re off the hook, right? And you can’t have that.”

  I shake my head, but I still can’t meet his eyes.

  “They need to know what they did to you,” Jake says, acting like he knows me. “Showing them how they hurt you will hurt them, right? They need to see how they ruined your life. You can’t just let it go like it was nothing, because you’re angry. You need them to know. You need someone to know.”

  No. That’s not…

  I have hobbies. I have things I like. I…

  “So you’ll waste your life,” he continues, “blow off your future, going through the motions, and diving into anything that makes you feel good for even a moment…”

  I shake my head, the tears pooling more and more.

  No. I have interests. I let myself enjoy things. I…

  “And then someday after the fights and the job you hate and the divorces and the kids that can’t stand you…”

  I just keep shaking my head. I don’t care what they did or didn’t do. I don’t need this.

  But the memory of our vacation to Fiji when I was eleven pops into my head and how they only took me, because the press had caught on that I was rarely ever with my parents.

  And how one morning I woke up in the suite alone and waited for them for
two days, because they took an overnight trip around all the islands and forgot about me.

  I was so scared.

  “You’re going to look in the mirror at the seventeen-year-old girl in a fifty-year-old body and realize you wasted so much time being devastated at how those fuckers didn’t love you that you forgot there’s an entire world of people who will.”

  I crack. My eyes close, my body shakes, and I just sob, letting it go. The anger, the pain, the exhaustion of them taking up nearly every ounce of my brain, because for so long, there was nothing else I lived for, than for them to notice me.

  He’s right.

  I look up at him, tears spilling down my face. “They didn’t leave me a note,” I say, “Why did they do that?”

  He picks me up, sets me on the countertop, and wraps his arms around me again, one hand gripping my hair as I bury my face in his neck.

  I cry so hard it’s silent, and I can’t keep it back even if I try.

  “Because they were fuckers, baby,” he says, his voice thick. “They were fucking fuckers.”

  “I don’t know who I am,” I sob.

  “Shhhh…”

  He soothes me, rubbing his fingers in my hair and holding me tight. My arms hang limply at my side as every speck of energy drains, everything I’ve been holding in over the years and didn’t want to feel. It hurts.

  “Shhhh…” he whispers in my ear. “It’s okay.”

  He keeps me there, and I don’t know how long I cry, but when the tears start to slow, embarrassment warms my cheeks.

  I try to lift up, but his hold stays firm, not letting me escape.

  And just like that. I let it everything go. The worry, the doubt, the shame… I’m a fucking basket case, but he’s not going anywhere.

  Slowly, I circle his waist with my arms, locking my hands behind his back as I breathe in the scent of his neck.

  Warm. He’s so warm and they’re so warm. Everything is warm here. And even if we’re not finishing what we started, this feels just as good. I think Mirai was the last one to hug me. I let her do it on my last birthday, but I don’t think I let her give me a real one in years.

  I calm after a while, the pain fading, because I know the truth. My parents didn’t love me.

  And that wasn’t my fault.

  But they did one thing right, I think as I hang onto my uncle and he holds onto me.

  “So, you want me to tuck you in then?” Jake asks. “I can do that.”

  I can’t help it. I let a laugh escape, and I feel his chest shake with one, too.

  I lift my head up and wipe my eyes, seeing the drying tears streaked down his chest.

  I wipe it off. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay.”

  Sniffling, I take a dish towel and clean both of us up. “You know, I was trying to be happy,” I inform him. “Meet a guy and all, but you wouldn’t let me.”

  “I was afraid guys for you right now would just be you acting out. I didn’t want you to do something you’d regret.”

  I stare up into blue eyes. So if this was just me acting out, what was it for you?

  I swallow. I can still feel his hands on me.

  “And maybe I was scared, too,” he tells me, giving me a cocky little smile. “Everyone will want you, and it’s our time with you.”

  A flutter hits my belly. I like it when they say stuff like that.

  “You okay with that?” he asks.

  I nod. Having a family is nice.

  He pulls me down off the counter and gives me a swat in the ass. “Now go back to bed.”

  I give a weak smile and feel his touch again as he tries to put my strap back over my shoulder. But it just falls back over my breast.

  “And you probably shouldn’t walk around dressed like this,” he says, his voice quiet again.

  I look up, meeting his eyes.

  He cocks his head. “Especially this winter.”

  Tiernan

  I rest my head against Jake’s back, my face turned up to the sky. Small puffs of white clouds dot the blue, and the cool air fills my lungs with water and wood. I don’t remember ever being so relaxed.

  I didn’t get much sleep after he sent me to bed last night, but I’m not missing it. Everything seems lighter now.

  “Stop taking the reins,” Jake snips.

  I smile, my arms tight around him as I grip the leather straps.

  “But I like to steer.”

  “That’s not how you steer a horse,” he chides over his shoulder. “Thought you knew how to ride.”

  “I thought I did, too, but you won’t let me ride one on my own,” I tease, resting my chin on his shoulder.

  Our rifles bob against my back as we ride around the barn and back up the driveway to the house. After chores this morning, Noah drove all the girls back to town, and Jake took me into the forest for target practice. I hadn’t seen—or heard—Kaleb since last night.

  But as we ride past the large pile of gravel Jake had dropped off to recover the driveway this morning, I look over and see Kaleb, standing up on a ladder and fixing the pane of glass in the ceiling of the greenhouse.

  He doesn’t look back.

  “You hungry?” Jake asks.

  He stops, climbing down, and I take his hand, letting him help me off.

  “Yeah.” I’ve been hungry since breakfast, and I ate something then, too. A lot, actually. I could eat like three—

  “Cheeseburgers!” I hear Noah scream all of a sudden.

  I whip my head around and see him step out of the barn, holding his fists in the air.

  I smile and then look back at Jake.

  He shakes his head and pulls his keys out of his pocket, dropping them in my hand. “Go,” he tells me.

  I start for the truck but stop and swing back, planting a quick kiss on Jake’s cheek.

  He freezes, giving me a look.

  I whip off Noah’s flannel and tie it around my waist as I back away, smiling. “You said I should do things that make me happy. You told me to find my bliss.”

  “I’m pretty sure I would never say that.”

  But I spot the little smile playing on his lips as he turns and grabs a rake to start spreading the new gravel.

  Opening the door of the truck, I climb in, but Noah is suddenly there, forcing me over. I scoot down as he takes the keys from me.

  But as I slide over to the passenger’s seat instead, that door opens and Kaleb is there. We lock eyes, and he jerks his chin, ordering me to make room. My nerves fire. I settle in the middle.

  Both boys take their seats with me in the middle, and Noah fires up the truck, Kaleb’s arm resting on the seat behind me.

  I cast a look over my shoulder at Jake through the rear window, trying to recapture the ease I felt just a few minutes ago.

  “Don’t take forever!” he shouts and pulls off his shirt, stuffing it into his back pocket as he picks up the rake again to move the gravel. “I need help with all this!”

  I hear Noah scoff as he starts the truck, and without a word, he speeds off, probably determined to take as long as possible now.

  We wind through the forest, heading down the mountain on the narrow roads as the sunlight flashes through the trees and Noah reaches between my knees to shift the old truck.

  I keep thinking about Jake’s last words last night.

  Especially all winter.

  They’re living it up now, because they know they’ll have to go without, but…

  If Jake hadn’t pulled away last night, we wouldn’t have stopped.

  I mean, I guess he’s right. We’re both lonely, and we acted out. I need family a lot more than I need sex, and going through with what we were doing last night would’ve complicated everything. He was right to stop it.

  Right? I still taste his whisper on my mouth. You are beautiful and pulling my body away from yours was the most pain I’ve ever been in.

  I rub my palms together in my lap as little butterflies go off in my stomach.

  I don’t
know. I felt great waking up today, knowing I didn’t do something I might’ve regretted, but… If it happens again, I still don’t think I’ll be the one to stop it.

  “So, are you and my dad okay?” someone asks.

  I blink, realizing it came from my left.

  I look at Noah. “Huh?”

  Why wouldn’t his dad and I be okay? Does he know something?

  He glances over at me, trying to keep his eyes on the road, too. “The little thing…” he hints, “in the truck last night?”

  It takes me a moment, but then I remember. The argument. When he threatened to spank me.

  “He’s a pain in the ass,” Noah continues. “Seriously. Don’t let him get to you. I’m continually surprised he ever got hard enough to make us.”

  And then he laughs, shifting into a higher gear as the truck cruises down the road and the wind breezes through the cab.

  A smile pulls at my lips, and I put my head down, trying to hide it. He didn’t have any trouble last night.

  I bite my bottom lip to keep the smile from spreading.

  Reaching over, I turn on the music, “Gives You Hell” playing as we pick up the town’s radio station. Noah turns it up, Kaleb rolls down his window, and I start to relax as we listen to the music.

  The green leaves of the deciduous trees mixed amongst the conifers show yellow tinges that will soon turn to oranges and reds before the violent winds of winter rip them free. The highest peaks in the state have already gotten snow, but here, the air just smells of hay and smoky, earthy food cooked over bonfires that kind of remind me of the fallen apples left to decay under the trees back at Brynmor. It feels like the anticipation you feel when you’re waiting for something to happen.

  I tip my head back and close my eyes as Noah sings and the breeze caresses my bare arms.

  But then the truck comes to a sudden stop, I lurch forward, and something slams into my chest. I wince at the pain, my eyes popping open as a car pulls out right in front of us.

  “Aw, come on!” Noah barks, the truck idling in the middle of the road.

  The car backs out of a driveway and pulls forward, taking off down the road as if we didn’t almost crash into them.