Credence

by Penelope Douglas

  What if I don’t truly understand what’s happening here, and I’m more his than he is mine?

  The truth is…it doesn’t matter. I’m going to love him for as long as I can, because that’s what makes me happy.

  “Can I stay with you here?” I ask him.

  He opens his eyes, peering down at me. Then, he shakes his head, pinching his eyebrows together like that would be the worst idea ever.

  My pride is bruised until I choose to just believe he doesn’t want me living in this hovel with no indoor plumbing.

  “You haven’t been lonely?” I press.

  He just trails his fingers down my arm, and after a moment, finally nods.

  I lie my head on his chest, hearing Noah snore. “I remember the feeling of Mirai’s arms around me when I was sick,” I tell Kaleb. “I was little, but I remember how good it felt to be held.” I tighten my arms around him. “And to hold something. It’s probably the most peaceful moment in my life that I remember. Until I stepped into the glen, that is.

  It didn’t register at the time, because I was so caught up in where I was and seeing the cabin, but it’s beautiful here. Hidden, serene, pure… His journal entries make sense now that I see it. I could do with a few more modern conveniences and maybe a few more people to talk to, but I can see why he loves it.

  He doesn’t have to face anything here. And I get it. Sometimes, we all need to hide.

  “When the world feels small, nothing can hurt you.” I caress his stomach, feeling his abs flex under my hand. “You want to stay there, because you’re protected. For a while anyway.” I stare off, thinking about him and me and how I hid inside myself all those years because I didn’t want to be rejected anymore or hurt. “But then you realize you’re the only one who fits there in that small world, and being alone feels worse than not feeling safe.”

  Avoiding the bad means you risk avoiding the good, too, and I’d rather be hurt than never not feel this. I inhale his skin.

  “And speaking of safe…” I take a deep breath and tilt my head up to look at him, changing the subject. “Where the hell were you last night? Holed up in a cave? We were almost electrocuted.”

  He smiles and flips me over, trailing kisses down my stomach.

  “Oh, no.” I stop him, forcing him to look at me. “Now that I have my senses about me, I’m mad at you. We were worried. Really worried. Say you’re sorry.”

  He gives my tummy a peck, holding my eyes.

  “Again.”

  He inches up and kisses me again, a smile in his dark gaze.

  “I’m still mad.”

  He catches my nipple between his teeth and drags it out slowly. I gasp.

  “You’re just trying to shut me up now,” I grumble, but really, heat is pooling low in my belly. “Just because you like me to guess everything that’s going on in your head…”

  He dives down and starts nibbling and teasing between my legs.

  “Okay, yes,” I choke out. “Now I know what’s going through your head.”

  I feel his laugh against my clit before he resumes sucking on it.

  The sheets are completely off me, and I look over at Noah, passed out on his stomach.

  “Noah is right there,” I mouth to Kaleb.

  He stops and cocks an eyebrow at me.

  “Shut up,” I tell him. “We weren’t thinking last night.”

  I’m well aware we’ve already had sex once with his brother asleep mere feet away, but I shove Kaleb off and pull the sheet up over me. He can wait until we’re alone.

  He huffs and crawls back up, lying down and tucking me under his arm. I snuggle in, reveling in his warmth.

  He grabs something off the counter next to the bed and shoves it at me.

  I hold up the paperback.

  “What’s this?” I ask, reading the title. “The Sirens of Titan?”

  I look up at him, and he opens the book to where it’s dog-eared.

  He hands it back to me, pointing.

  “You want me to read it?” I ask.

  He nods.

  I half-smile. I guess he does read.

  And if I’m not letting him do things to my body, then he’s still making me entertain him, I guess.

  I remain under his arm, but flip onto my back and clear my throat. “Chapter ten…”

  Jerking the wheel right, I plant my foot on the ground, letting the bike skid to a halt before speeding off again toward the house. I laugh behind my helmet, feeling Kaleb right on my ass as the dogs chase him, tails wagging.

  We’ve been home for a couple weeks now, Noah and I having no trouble dragging Kaleb back down the mountain. I think he knew I wouldn’t be comfortable up at the other cabin, and he wasn’t about to let me go anywhere he wasn’t going to be.

  Jake plowed and salted the driveway this morning, and when his back was turned, we took the bikes.

  I race to the house, my stomach doing somersaults at the wind and speed, and I brake, coming to a stop. Looking behind me, I watch as Kaleb slides to a halt, the vein in that damn gorgeous neck bulging as his arms flex.

  I want to go back in the shower. With him and his hands and all the things his eyes and smiles whisper to me when we’re alone.

  I haven’t slept in my own bed for a single night since we got back.

  “You two!” I hear Jake bellow.

  I jerk my head, straightening as he barrels out of the shop. Shit.

  “Off!” he barks. “Now!”

  I park the bike and climb off, trying to hide my smile.

  He stalks over to us, looking at the McDougall bikes. “Great. Now they’re dirty,” he growls. “I have to clean them again— No, you know what? You’re cleaning them.” He points to Kaleb and then me, too. “You’re both cleaning them!”

  “We were going to,” I tell him, taking off my helmet. “You want some pancakes or something?”

  He cocks an eyebrow and turns around, ignoring my sudden change in subject.

  I throw a look at Kaleb. He just shakes his head.

  Jake’s moods have spiraled lately, and I’m worried it’s my fault. Is he feeling guilty? Is he concerned for me? Is he jealous?

  I haven’t had a chance to talk to him. Kaleb and I are always together.

  Or Kaleb makes sure we’re always together.

  Not that I’d choose to have it any other way. I just hope he trusts that I’m well aware of who I’m in love with, and he doesn’t need to worry about his father and brother around me.

  I jog after Jake. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “I don’t think you are.”

  He heads over to the tool bench and picks up what he needs before turning to another work-in-progress.

  He won’t look at me.

  “I’m happy,” I tell him, because I know that’s what he really cares about.

  “I know.”

  So what is it, then? I stand there, feeling Kaleb walk past me to the sink. He washes his hands, but I know he’s watching us.

  “Just…don’t get pregnant,” he finally grits out. “You’re only eighteen.”

  “I know,” I assure him. “I won’t.”

  “And you’re going to college.”

  “I will.”

  I think.

  He glares at the bike he’s working on, seething. “And tell that woman,” he bites out, closing his eyes like the mere mention of her is going to send him over the edge, “that if she doesn’t stop calling every other day just to get in my face and ruin my goddamn peace of mind with all her questions and arrogant little comebacks, that I will burn every cell phone and computer in this house, so she can’t ever get a hold of you again! And then I’ll put up an electric fence in time for the snow to melt so she can’t get on the property!”

  I fold my lips between my teeth, holding my breath, because my laughter is about to burst out.

  So that’s what’s wrong. Mirai calls to talk to me, but she calls way more often than is necessary. And if I don’t answer,
she calls his phone.

  The best part is…as frustrated as he sounds, he always answers.

  They fight every time. No one riles him up so much. Not even us.

  I choke down my amusement and nod. “I’ll tell her.”

  He throws a wrench on the work bench and picks up another. Kaleb and I head into the house.

  “Change that lightbulb!” Jake yells after us before we close the door.

  I let out a laugh and Kaleb smiles, placing a peck on my forehead.

  He walks to the cabinet and digs out a lightbulb, winking at me as he heads for the staircase.

  The scent of the cinnamon rolls I put in the oven a half hour ago fills the air, and I shut off the timer, with only seconds left, and dig out the baking dish.

  Shutting off the oven, I set the rolls down on a cooling rack and glance over at Kaleb as he hops onto the railing and then climbs onto a rafter to start scaling his way up to the chandelier. One bulb has been out for days. My heart skips a beat, watching him go higher and higher.

  “Oh, that smells good,” Noah says, entering the kitchen.

  I spare him a glance, but I can’t take my attention off Kaleb. “Be careful up there,” I call out to him.

  I finally look away and grab a slicing knife out of the block, cutting the rolls. Noah hangs by the island, staring at me.

  “So, the snow’s easing up a little,” he says.

  I add a little milk to the icing I made this morning and stir it, heating it over an open flame.

  “Yeah.” It’s only late February, though, so winter is far from over.

  I can’t help but wish it was still November, and winter was just starting.

  “Is all your coursework done?” he asks.

  I turn off the burner and carry the icing over to the dish, dripping it over the rolls.

  “They’re waiving my exams, but I have to write an essay and submit it with a photo journal by April thirtieth.”

  I see him nod out of the corner of my eye. “I’m going to L.A. this spring,” he says. “I’ve got a meeting with a sponsor, and I want to check out the scene there. Can I stay with you?”

  Stay with me?

  And then I remember—as if I’d actually forgotten—that I have a house there. I told them I was leaving in April, didn’t I?

  “Yeah,” I reply, barely audible. “Of course, you can stay at the house. As long as you want.”

  I just might not be there.

  He may as well use the place, though.

  He’s quiet, and I don’t have the courage to look at him. I know he’s worried. Maybe a little angry. He deserves better.

  He’s taken the high road through everything. He’s backed off and let me be happy.

  But that doesn’t mean he’s stopped caring. Part of me misses talking to him, too. He expects differently of me, and he won’t be happy with me if I decide to stay behind. Things have changed, though.

  Inching in, he lowers his voice as Kaleb works far above us. “I would fight anyone who wronged my brother,” he says. “I do love him, Tiernan, but this life is not for you. You’re leaving with me.”

  My chin trembles, because I’m worried that he has a point.

  “I love you,” he whispers. “As your cousin, as your friend, whatever, but I’m dragging you out of here, because when the novelty of this wears off, you’re going to miss the world. He will make you miserable.”

  I dart my eyes up to him, the icing pouring all over one roll, and I want him to stop. How can he say that? That’s his brother.

  His blue eyes narrow on me. “He needs someone braindead who doesn’t care about dying in this town where nothing changes except the seasons,” he tells me. “You might not have cared before, but I know there’s a whole wide world you wouldn’t mind seeing now. He’s too volatile, too stubborn, and he will never leave this peak, Tiernan. Ever.”

  I look away, blinking against the stinging at the backs of my eyes. Damn you, Noah.

  “You want more.” He takes the pot out of my hand and sets it down. “I know you do.”

  Maybe. Maybe I want to see and experience things and have a career and try to make the world better and leave my mark.

  Or maybe none of that would be worthwhile without someone to share it with.

  I look at Noah, always knowing in my head that, in many ways, he’s better for me.

  He’s my head. The part of me that tells me what I already know. What I need to hear.

  My heart, though… It feels everything I can’t live without.

  I tip my head back, gazing up at Kaleb as he stares down at us, having finished the lightbulb.

  “He’s your number one,” I hear Noah say. “He’s not supposed to be the one you spend your life with, right?”

  Tiernan

  Two Months Later

  I look down at the toilet paper and see red spotting, my shoulders instantly relaxing as I let out a breath.

  Thank God. I laugh to myself and quickly finish up, three days of worry finally ending.

  I knew I should’ve gotten an implant. I’ve been taking my birth control, but it’s not as effective as other methods, and being a teen mom is not where I want to be right now. The press and Chapel Peak would have a heyday if I came off this mountain pregnant.

  I’m not sure how Kaleb would take it, either.

  It’s late April, the property is still covered in snow, but the days are warmer and there are patches of grass. Jake is working on the roads now.

  The last two months since we brought Kaleb home have been…like a dream. After Noah got on my case that day in February, I put it all out of my mind and decided to enjoy what time we had left here. The seclusion, the peace, and the long nights. I’ve never slept better or been this happy, my nightmares—or night terrors—having stopped long ago. Kaleb and I read, we all watch movies and play cards, and I taught Noah how to waltz in the living room on St. Patrick’s Day. I’ve climbed trees, learned how to make a belt, and taught myself how to update Van der Berg Extreme’s website.

  I’ve even gotten pretty good on the dirt bikes.

  We should be able to rejoin the world soon, though, and I’ve never wanted time to pass so slowly. Decisions will need to be made, and I haven’t wanted this day to come.

  I head out of the bathroom and up to our room on the third floor, hugging myself in my long-sleeved T-shirt as chills spread down my legs, bare in my sleep shorts.

  Mirai is coming tonight, and I’ve been working on making sure the house looks as clean and nice as possible, so she doesn’t have a reason to pick a fight with Jake. If she’s able to make it up here, that is. If he can’t get the roads cleared, she’ll be holed up in a motel in town and have to wait it out.

  At least I’m not pregnant, though. And if I were, at least I wouldn’t be showing yet. Kaleb and I are on each other every day, sometimes more than once, and I’ve been lucky my birth control hasn’t failed. My period being three days late gave me a good scare.

  I stop in front of the long mirror I had moved up from my room and turn sideways, running my hand over my stomach. The fitted, white T-shirt is flat and smooth over my tummy, but for a few scary days, I thought part of Kaleb might be in there. Part of Kaleb and me.

  I lift up my shirt, envision my belly growing with his kid and trying to ignore the way my body warms at the thought, because I shouldn’t want that. It’s so cliché. Baby makes three and happily-ever-after.

  I’d love to have his child, though. Someday. I’d love to be his forever and see him as a father.

  I close my eyes, shaking my head at myself, because I know the truth. I only want his kid, because I’m not sure I have him. If I got pregnant, I wouldn’t have to make any decisions, because my fate would be sealed, and I’d stay. No need to stress.

  Pounding and thuds suddenly hit the stairs, and Noah and Kaleb come rushing through the door, tumbling onto the floor and laughing. I freeze, my shirt still up and my hands still on my stomach.

  Their laughter die
s down, and they lift their heads, looking up at me and taking me in.

  I quickly pull my shirt down.

  Kaleb climbs to his feet, staring at me and not blinking, and Noah rises, standing there in limbo for a moment before he finally decides to leave.

  Kaleb’s eyes drop to my stomach.

  “I’m not,” I tell him. “I was just…playing around.”

  He thins his eyes on me, and I still see uncertainty there.

  “My period was late,” I explain. “I got it this morning. I was just…thinking about…what it… would be… like. I’m…” I run a hand through my hair. “I’m stupid.”

  I laugh nervously, caught. I was fantasizing, and now he’s probably worried I’ll sabotage my birth control.

  But he steps over to me and places a hand on my stomach, staring at his fingers as they splay across my belly. A flutter hits me, and I almost feel dizzy.

  We lock eyes, and before I know it, he takes my hand and leads me down the stairs.

  “Kaleb,” I protest. What is he doing?

  He walks me into the bathroom and opens the medicine cabinet, taking my birth control out.

  Turning, he looks down into my eyes, so many emotions crossing his face. He opens his mouth, and I hold my breath, because it looks like he’s going to speak.

  His breath fans across my lips, and he holds me, kissing my forehead, nose, and mouth.

  And then, he holds my eyes and drops the pills into the trash.

  “Kaleb, no.” I dive down and snatch them back out.

  He tries to pry them from my hand, but I keep hold. I rest my forehead against his mouth, closing my eyes and almost smiling. He wants us to have a baby. He wouldn’t be mad or feel trapped at all.

  He wants me.

  That’s all I wanted to know.

  “I don’t want to leave you ever, but…” I look up at him. “We’re too young. We’re too… Too much shit we’ve been through. We’re not ready yet.”

  He slowly tugs the pill more and more, and I struggle to keep hold of them.

  “I love you,” I whisper. “We have our whole lives.”