Shattered Lives

by Alexis Noelle

  “Jessie, you need to call the cops.”

  I look over at her. “And say what? Someone opened my unlocked car and left me a stuffed animal? I’m sure they will be right on that shit.” I try to play it off so I don’t scare her anymore then she already is, but if I’m being honest with myself, I’m a little freaked out too.

  “Well, what the hell are you gonna do? This shit is fucking creepy, Jess.”

  “I know that!” Her eyebrows raise with the tone and the volume of my voice. “Listen, I don’t mean to yell, but it’s not like this shit is fun for me.” Lo picks up the stuffed animal and walks over to the trashcan. “No!”

  Lo stops and turns back toward me. “You want to keep it? Have you lost your damn mind?”

  I grab it from her and throw it into my trunk. “Evidence.” I can’t tell her that I feel some weird sort of attachment to it. The last time I watched the movie was the night at Damon’s. It reminded me of him, and if I didn’t know better, I swear I can still feel him. I have dreams every night that I answer a knock at the door and it’s him. He gets down on his knees and begs me to forgive him and I do, like I wish I would have. I know that will never happen. I saw the reports after the crash, and read all of the news stories. He’s gone.

  My mood has significantly gone downhill, but I still have to go into work today. I take a deep breath and get into my car.

  “Jessie, this shit is really creeping me out.” I turn to look at Lo, and nod my head.

  It’s freaking me out too, but in some way it also seems exciting. Did I just say the creepy notes were exciting? Maybe Lo is right and I do need a life. Luckily the school is only a fifteen-minute drive from our house, since we are now running late. By the time we get into the building the meeting has already started. It is a boring day filled with new procedures, methods, and tactics.

  I am so tired from my lack of sleep that I am dozing off during the wrap up meeting at the end of the day. I catch my head just as it’s about to hit the table. Sleeping on the couch is not good for my health. I stretch hoping to wake up my body a little bit.

  “Ah, Miss Evans. Thank you for volunteering.”

  Shit. I turn my head toward Lo and whisper in her ear. “What the fuck did I volunteer for?”

  She laughs before lowering her voice to answer me. “Chaperoning the Valentine’s Day dance for the older grades. Sucks for you.”

  I rest my head in my hands and resist groaning in protest. I really need to pay attention in these damn things. This is gonna suck ass. As we are heading out the door, the principal hands me a folder with everything that I need for the dance. I sulk out to my car as pissed as I could possibly be. The damn thing is on Valentine’s Day and all I am going to want to do is be incoherent from the time I get home until I pass out.

  Once I am in the car, I let out a screech in frustration.

  Lo covers her ears. “What the fuck, Jess? That shit was so loud, I’m pretty sure only dogs could fucking hear it.”

  I put the car in drive going so fast that I make it in half the time. Once we’re inside and change into more comfortable clothes, Lo takes off for her run that she goes on every afternoon, and I sneak down to my car to get the Olaf from my trunk. I don’t understand why I haven’t thrown it out, but I just can’t. I bring it up to my room and hide it in the back of the closet.

  I am dreading Friday and having to chaperone a bunch of hormone driven kids on the nationally celebrated day of love.

  Love sucks.

  Nicholas

  “You know being anywhere near her is dangerous, Nick.” The captain has been reaming my ass out for the last half hour. He knows why I moved to Yardley because apparently they have been keeping tabs on Jessie too. “We need to relocate you, before they track you down. It needs to be nowhere near that girl. If they think there’s even a small chance that you’re still alive, they’ll be watching her to see if you come back for her. Honestly, I am thinking of shipping you out of the fucking country.”

  “Listen, I get your concern. What you don’t understand is that I’m being careful. She doesn’t even know I’m alive and I intend to keep it that way. I have been using the fake ID for everything and dumping my phone every couple weeks. I am not ready to leave, not until I see that she isn’t broken anymore. I need her to be okay.” Every time I see her¸ she’s in a daze, not taking in life. She just goes through the motions and it rips my heart out. I want so desperately to see that fiery spark light up her eyes. The same spark that I fell in love with.

  “Nick, I get that you love this girl, but the Acardi family is out for blood. They not only have their guys looking for you but the bounty just got raised to a half a million dollars. You need to disappear and you needed to do it yesterday.” I hear the urgency in his voice, but I dismiss it.

  I know he’s right and that being here isn’t safe for me. I can’t leave her like this though. I just need more time. Her happiness is more important than my life. “Give me a month.”

  “Nick, no I –”

  “I need a month, then I will go to fucking Timbuktu, but I am not leaving until then.” I press the end button before he has a chance to reply.

  I haven’t left Jessie a note since Monday when I left her the stuffed animal. I saw her take it into the house after Lo left and it gave me some hope that she still feels connected to me. While that hope makes me happy, it also fucking tears me apart. That hope means that she still has feelings for me and can’t let go. Knowing that will make it that much harder to walk away when it’s time. If she still has feelings for me, then that means there’d be a chance for us to be together if she knew I was still alive. The thought alone has my heart soaring with happiness, but that quickly diminishes when I think about the danger she’d be in if she knew. No matter how much my heart begs me to talk to her, my brain wins out this time and I keep my distance.

  I’m waiting outside of the school for Jessie but she never comes out. Her car is in the parking lot so I know she is still there. Lo took her own car this morning and she already left, this is not something that has happened before.

  I Google the school and look up their calendar. It says there is a school dance tonight, so maybe she is helping out with it. I sit outside the school shielded by the trees that outline the perimeter.

  It is fucking cold for February and I have been sitting outside of the damn school for over four hours. I start to see a bunch of cars line up in the pickup lane outside of the school. Kids file out and one by one the cars disappear. About fifteen minutes after the last car disappears I see her. She is walking to her car and even being about fifty feet away I can see the sadness overwhelming her. Her shoulders are slumped and she is walking so slowly. It fucking kills me. I wish I could have been with her today, giving her flowers, taking her out, and making her feel as special as she is to me.

  My heart stops when I see someone walking up behind her. They have a black sweatshirt on with the hood pulled up and my adrenaline instantly kicks in. By the time I realize what’s going on, he is within a couple feet of her. I am running at full speed as the asshole tries to grab her purse from her holding up what I think might be a fucking gun. He is so focused on Jessie that he doesn’t see me coming until it’s too late. I barrel into him knocking him to ground, and causing the gun to scatter across the parking lot.

  I proceed to beat the ever-loving shit out of him for thinking he could come near my girl. I hear Jessie scream at me to stop and I freeze. I didn’t think this far ahead when I came charging in on my white horse. This is it. I need to make the decision that I have been torturing myself with the past few weeks.

  Maybe I should just run, let her think some random stranger came to her rescue. If I turn around now there is no going back. I don’t know that I will be able to walk away from her again, but this time she will be in a lot more danger if I choose to be with her.

  Looking down at the half unconscious asshole underneath me, I know what I should do, but like the captain always tells me, I’m
a fucking idiot. I stand up straight before slowly turning around and lifting the ball cap I have on up a little to show more of my face.

  I hear her gasp, and her eyes go wide. “Oh. My. God,” she says in a whisper.

  Chapter 3

  Jessie

  This can’t be happening. I have to be seeing things. There is no way that he could be here. That he could be standing in front of me. The face that haunts me every minute of every day. I can’t move. If I move even an inch I might wake up and he will be gone again.

  “Jessie, are you okay?” He looks at me and I shake my head.

  Nothing about this situation is okay. Nothing about my life has been okay. He takes a step toward me and I jump back. What if this isn’t a dream and he really is here? How could that even be possible? My mind is on overload and I can’t even process what is happening right now.

  Damon is here. Standing in front of me. Alive.

  I feel lightheaded and dizzy. This could all be some hallucination brought on from the trauma of being mugged. Maybe this is my mind playing tricks on me after not having a good night’s sleep in over a year. My attacker moans and then gets up running as fast as he can away from the two of us.

  “But…you’re dead.” I say more to myself than anything. My heart aches uttering those words as I relive the moment I saw the wreckage of the plane on the television screen followed by a picture of those who died. The picture of Damon standing out among the others, knowing I’d never see his face, hear his loving words, or feel his warm touch.

  “Jess, I know that you’re confused. Let’s sit in your car, or go somewhere. I need to get out of the open.” I look into his eyes again. Searching for something but I have no idea what. He looks like the man that I loved, but he can’t be. Can he? I stare at him and he raises his eyebrows at me as if waiting for a response.

  I robotically move toward my car, scooping up my purse that is lying on the ground, before opening my car door and getting in. I’m staring out of the windshield as the rain starts to fall. Each drop that hits and slowly runs down it reminds me of the endless amount of tears I have cried for him, for us. I hear my passenger door shut, but I can’t look at the stranger sitting next to me. The one that I have grieved for, and that I have hated myself for losing.

  “Please say something. Anything.”

  What do you say when the love of your life dies, then comes back and saves you from getting mugged. When you realize the pain you have felt for months was pointless. “How?” I can’t manage more than that single word, but it’s the one answer I desperately need. For some reason, I’m eerily calm, probably in shock. I’ve thought of this moment many times, always fantasizing about the moment I’d be reunited with him. Yet, none of my dreams left me with this extreme sense of confusion and hurt that I’m feeling now.

  “It’s such a long story. God, I’ve missed you.”

  A switch flips in my head and I go from silently taking it all in to being ready to tear his head off. I shove his arm causing him to hit his head on the window. “A long story? Let me tell you a fucking long story! I have cried every night over you! I’ve hated my very existence. I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror because I disgusted myself. I blamed myself for never reaching out to you! And now you’re just here? Alive? Oh, but it’s a long story!” I beat him with my fists the entire time I was yelling. He hasn’t tried to deter me or even tried to shield himself, absorbing all my anger, hurt, and frustration with each blow. I have nothing left to say but I continue to hit him. I need to scream and fight and lash out.

  His hands grab my wrists, and I’m breathing heavy from the adrenaline coursing through me. I wait for his response, for him to help me make sense of it all. “I’m so fucking sorry. I love you.” As angry as I am, my body soaks up those three words. I love you. Words I thought I’d never hear him say again. His mouth crashes to mine and at first I pull away, but I have missed him so much that I give in. Our mouths move together and it’s almost like no time has passed at all. But then I remember time has passed, and I need to know what happened.

  I pull my mouth from him and rest my forehead against his. “I need to know,” I say quietly.

  “Jessie, it’s so much bad shit. The fact that I am even here right now is fucking dangerous. I can’t stay away from you though. I need you.” He goes to kiss me again but I pull away from him.

  “Damon…Nicholas, shit I don’t even know what to call you. I…I missed you so much.” He leans in again, but I shake my head trying to blink away the impending tears. “I.Need.To.Know.” I emphasize each word. I can’t just take his ‘it’s complicated’ explanation. I deserve more than that.

  “I had to go into hiding. Technically witness protection. They are relocating me out of the country in a month. I needed to see you though. I needed…dammit I don’t know what I thought would happen. I can’t stand being without you. It’s killing me.” His face looks pained and I have this uncontrollable urge to make it better.

  “Why witness protection?” I’m trying to keep a clear head and not let my emotions take control. They are all over the place and if I lose control of them I don’t know what I’ll do.

  “Tasha was in pretty deep with the Acardi’s. They are a prominent mafia family in Philadelphia. I screwed up their operation and lost them a lot of money, plus the FBI is close to finalizing a case against them and most of it is built off of my information.” FBI? Mob? Leaving the country? This just keeps getting better and better.

  “So now what?” I’m yelling again but I can’t control it anymore. “You show up here after months of me grieving for you, and now you’re gonna disappear on me again? No! Fuck that! You can’t do this to me again. You should’ve just left me alone!” Tears begin to fall from my eyes but I wipe them away. He can’t do this. He can’t just leave again like he never came back. Right when I started to convince myself that it was time to try to live, he does this to me? He’s putting me right back at square one where I’ll be mourning the loss of him from the beginning.

  “Come with me then.” His voice is quieter than before, and I swear it shakes a little. He’s nervous, and he should be. I can’t believe he’s dropping all of this on me at once. First, the shock of him being alive, then to find out he’s in hiding and has to leave the country, and now he wants me to leave everything behind and come with him?

  My head snaps up and I stare at him. “Are you on drugs? Come with you? Go into witness protection? Leave my job, and the only family I have? For someone who couldn’t even warn me about the shit storm that was about to rain down on me.”

  He looks at me as if what I am saying shocks him. His head tilts to the side and his eyebrows furrow. “I did warn you. I told you not to believe it. I even told you I would be back for you.”

  I laugh. “That shit must have been in your damn dreams.”

  “No, didn’t you read the letter?”

  My eyes go wide, and now I hate myself even more. “Oh my God. You told me that in the letter?” He nods. “I never read it. I kept it and tried to read it every night before bed but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t put myself through the torture of knowing that I walked away from you if you really did love me. I was also petrified that I would open it to see that you never did. When I heard you died I tore it up. I couldn’t bear to read about how sorry you were and to see you possibly telling me you loved me. I couldn’t deal with whatever you needed to tell me since I would never see you again.” I look away not being able to face him. I feel embarrassed telling him I never read it. I had the answers to all of the questions I’m asking and I tore it up.

  “I do love you.” His hand brushes my cheek and I lean into it, unable to help myself. “I told my captain to give me a month. I can’t be seen around, but I will be. This will not be last time you see me, I promise. I need you to promise me that you won’t tell anyone, not even Lo.” His features are set tight and I know he’s very serious about this request.

  “Damon, I don’t know if
I can do that. Lo spots my shit from a mile away. She’s going to know something is up.”

  He takes a deep breath. “You have to hide it. It has to be our secret. This is very serious and both of our lives depend on it.” He pauses for a moment, studying my face before he says, “I need to go now.”

  “Wait.” I grab his arm before he can move when realization hits me. “Have you been leaving me notes?”

  “Yes, and I plan to keep it up.” He kisses me again before getting out of the car, and turning back to me. “Happy Valentine’s Day, beautiful.” Before I can respond he gets out of the car and walks away. I watch him disappear in the rain and then sit in my car for another few minutes trying to process what just happened.

  Nicholas

  I can’t believe that I just let that happen. Fuck, I’m a dumbass. I know I’m putting her in danger by seeing her, but when I saw that asshole trying to mug her, my only instinct was to protect her. I didn’t give a shit about my safety and the Acardi’s finding out I’m alive, my one mission was to stop that fucker from hurting her. Now, the consequences of my actions are starting to hit me, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel fucking amazing to see her again. To be able to kiss her and tell her that I love her. I am just waiting for the day she says it back to me.

  I knew she would be pissed off when she saw me, but I didn’t expect to find out that she never read the letter. I know that everyday I’m near her I put both of us at risk, but like before when I was undercover, I can’t stay away. She is my air, my heart, and everything that makes me feel alive. I will not walk away from her again. I can’t. As if on cue, my phone rings. “Lanutti.”

  “Nick, what the fuck are you doing?” I haven’t heard him more pissed off since I told him I would be taking a detour here. “You told me you were just going to watch her from a distance, and make sure she was okay.”