Complete Poetical Works of Thomas Hood

by Thomas Hood

  And talk as he did when he miss’d

  The kissing-crust that he had kiss’d!

  IX.

  Ah, where is now thy rolling head!

  Thy winking, reeling, drunken eyes,

  (As old Catullus would have said),

  Thy oven-mouth, that swallow’d pies —

  Enormous hunger — monstrous drowth!

  Thy pockets greedy as thou mouth!

  X.

  Ah, where thy ears, so often cuff’d! —

  Thy funny, flapping, filching hands! —

  Thy partridge body, always stuff’d

  With waifs, and strays, and contrabands! —

  Thy foot — like Berkeley’s Foote — for why?

  ’Twas often made to wipe an eye!

  XI.

  Ah, where thy legs — that witty pair!

  For “great wits jump” — and so did they!

  Lord! how they leap’d in lamplight air!

  Caper’d — and bounc’d — and strode away! —

  That years should tame the legs — alack!

  I’ve seen spring thro’ an Almanack!

  XII.

  But bounds will have their bound — the shocks

  Of Time will cramp the nimblest toes;

  And those that frisk’d in silken clocks

  May look to limp in fleecy hose —

  One only — (Champion of the ring)

  Could ever make his Winter, — Spring!

  XIII.

  And gout, that owns no odds between

  The toe of Czar and toe of Clown,

  Will visit — but I did not mean

  To moralize, though I am grown

  Thus sad, — Thy going seem’d to beat

  A muffled drum for Fun’s retreat!

  XIV.

  And, may be— ’tis no time to smother

  A sigh, when two prime wags of London

  Are gone — thou, Joseph, one, — the other

  A Joe!— “sic transit gloria Munden!”

  A third departure some insist on, —

  Stage-apoplexy threatens Liston! —

  XV.

  Nay, then, let Sleeping Beauty sleep

  With ancient “Dozey” to the dregs —

  Let Mother Goose wear mourning deep,

  And put a hatchment o’er her eggs!

  Let Farley weep — for Magic’s man

  Is gone, — his Christmas Caliban!

  XVI.

  Let Kemble, Forbes, and Willet rain,

  As tho’ they walk’d behind thy bier, —

  For since thou wilt not play again,

  What matters, — if in heav’n or here!

  Or in thy grave, or in thy bed! —

  There’s Quick might just as well be dead!

  XVII.

  Oh, how will thy departure cloud

  The lamplight of the little breast!

  The Christmas child will grieve aloud

  To miss his broadest friend and best, —

  Poor urchin! what avails to him

  The cold New Monthly’s Ghost of Grimm?

  XVIII.

  For who like thee could ever stride!

  Some dozen paces to the mile! —

  The motley, medley coach provide —

  Or like Joe Frankenstein compile

  The vegetable man complete! —

  A proper Covent Garden feat!

  XIX.

  Oh, who like thee could ever drink,

  Or eat, — swill, swallow — bolt — and choke!

  Nod, weep, and hiccup — sneeze and wink? —

  Thy very yawn was quite a joke!

  Tho’ Joseph, Junior, acts not ill,

  “There’s no Fool like the old Fool” still!

  XX.

  Joseph, farewell! dear funny Joe!

  We met with mirth, — we part in pain!

  For many a long, long year must go

  Ere Fun can see thy like again —

  For Nature does not keep great stores

  Of perfect Clowns — that are not Boors!

  AN ADDRESS TO THE STEAM WASHING COMPANY.

  “Archer. How many are there, Scrub?”

  “Scrub. Five-and-forty, Sir.” Beaux’ Stratagem.

  “For shame — let the linen alone!” M. W. of Windsor.

  Mr. Scrub — Mr. Slop — or whoever you be!

  The Cock of Steam Laundries, — the head Patentee

  Of Associate Cleansers, — Chief founder and prime

  Of the firm for the wholesale distilling of grime —

  Co-partners and dealers, in linen’s propriety —

  That make washing public — and wash in society —

  O lend me your ear! if that ear can forego,

  For a moment, the music that bubbles below, —

  From your new Surrey Geisers all foaming and hot, —

  That soft “simmer’s sang” so endear’d to the Scot —

  If your hands may stand still, or your steam without danger —

  If your suds will not cool, and a mere simple stranger,

  Both to you and to washing, may put in a rub, —

  O wipe out your Amazon arms from the tub, —

  And lend me your ear, — Let me modestly plead

  For a race that your labors may soon supersede —

  For a race that, now washing no living affords —

  Like Grimaldi must leave their aquatic old boards,

  Not with pence in their pockets to keep them at ease,

  Not with bread in the funds — or investments of cheese, —

  But to droop like sad willows that liv’d by a stream,

  Which the sun has suck’d up into vapor and steam.

  Ah, look at the laundress, before you begrudge —

  Her hard daily bread to that laudable drudge —

  When chanticleer singeth his earliest matins,

  She slips her amphibious feet in her pattens,

  And beginneth her toil while the morn is still gray,

  As if she was washing the night into day —

  Not with sleeker or rosier fingers Aurora

  Beginneth to scatter the dewdrops before her;

  Not Venus that rose from the billow so early,

  Look’d down on the foam with a forehead more pearly —

  Her head is involv’d in an aërial mist,

  And a bright-beaded bracelet encircles her wrist;

  Her visage glows warm with the ardor of duty;

  She’s Industry’s moral — she’s all moral beauty!

  Growing brighter and brighter at every rub —

  Would any man ruin her? — No, Mr. Scrub!

  No man that is manly would work her mishap —

  No man that is manly would covet her cap —

  Nor her apron — her hose — nor her gown made of stuff —

  Nor her gin — nor her tea — nor her wet pinch of snuff!

  Alas! so she thought — but that slippery hope

  Has betrayed her — as tho’ she had trod on her soap!

  And she, — whose support, — like the fishes that fly,

  Was to have her fins wet, must now drop from her sky —

  She whose living it was, and a part of her fare,

  To be damp’d once a day, like the great white sea bear,

  With her hands like a sponge, and her head like a mop —

  Quite a living absorbent that revell’d in slop —

  She that paddled in water, must walk upon sand,

  And sigh for her deeps like a turtle on land!

  Lo, then, the poor laundress, all wretched she stands,

  Instead of a counterpane wringing her hands!

  All haggard and pinch’d, going down in life’s vale,

  With no fagot for burning, like Allan-a-dale!

  No smoke from her flue — and no steam from her pane,

  There once she watch’d heaven, fearing God and the rain —

  Or gaz’d o’er her bleach-field so fairly engros
s’d,

  Till the lines wander’d idle from pillar to post!

  Ah, where are the playful young pinners — ah, where

  The harlequin quilts that cut capers in air —

  The brisk waltzing stockings — the white and the black,

  That danced on the tight-rope, or swung on the slack —

  The light sylph-like garments, so tenderly pinn’d,

  That blew into shape, and embodied the wind!

  There was white on the grass — there was white on the spray —

  Her garden — it looked like a garden of May!

  But now all is dark — not a shirt’s on a shrub —

  You’ve ruin’d her prospects in life, Mr. Scrub!

  You’ve ruin’d her custom — now families drop her —

  From her silver reduc’d — nay, reduc’d from her copper!

  The last of her washing is done at her eye,

  One poor little kerchief that never gets dry!

  From mere lack of linen she can’t lay a cloth,

  And boils neither barley nor alkaline broth, —

  But her children come round her as victuals grow scant,

  And recall, with foul faces, the source of their want —

  When she thinks of their poor little mouths to be fed,

  And then thinks of her trade that is utterly dead,

  And even its pearlashes laid in the grave —

  Whilst her tub is a dry rotting, stave after stave,

  And the greatest of Coopers, ev’n he that they dub

  Sir Astley, can’t bind up her heart or her tub, —

  Need you wonder she curses your bones, Mr. Scrub!

  Need you wonder, when steam has depriv’d her of bread,

  If she prays that the evil may visit your head —

  Nay, scald all the heads of your Washing Committee, —

  If she wishes you all the soot blacks of the city —

  In short, not to mention all plagues without number,

  If she wishes you all in the Wash at the Humber!

  Ah, perhaps, in some moment of drowth and despair,

  When her linen got scarce, and her washing grew rare —

  When the sum of her suds might be summ’d in a bowl,

  And the rusty cold iron quite enter’d her soul —

  When, perhaps, the last glance of her wandering eye

  Had caught “the Cock Laundresses’ Coach” going by,

  Or her lines that hung idle, to waste the fine weather,

  And she thought of her wrongs and her rights both together,

  In a lather of passion that froth’d as it rose,

  Too angry for grammar, too lofty for prose,

  On her sheet — if a sheet were still left her — to write,

  Some remonstrance like this then, perchance, saw the light —

  LETTER OF REMONSTRANCE

  FROM BRIDGET JONES TO THE NOBLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN FORMING THE WASHING COMMITTEE.

  It’s a shame, so it is, — men can’t Let alone

  Jobs as is Woman’s right to do — and go about there Own —

  Theirs Reforms enuff Alreddy without your new schools

  For washing to sit Up, — and push the Old Tubs from their stools!

  But your just like the Raddicals, — for upsetting of the Sudds

  When the world wagged well enuff — and Wommen washed your old dirty duds,

  I’m Certain sure Enuff your Ann Sisters had no steem Indians, that’s Flat, —

  But I warrant your Four Fathers went as Tidy and gentlemanny for all that —

  I suppose your the Family as lived in the Great Kittle

  I see on Clapham Commun, some times a very considerable period back when

  I were little,

  And they Said it went with Steem, — But that was a joke!

  For I never see none come of it, — that’s out of it — but only sum Smoak —

  And for All your Power of Horses about your Indians you never had but Two

  In my time to draw you About to Fairs — and hang you, you know that’s true!

  And for All your fine Perspectuses, — howsomever you bewhich ‘em,

  Theirs as Pretty ones off Primerows Hill, as ever a one at Mitchum,

  Tho’ I cant sea What Prospectives and washing has with one another to Do —

  It aint as if a Bird’seye Hankicher could take a Birds-high view!

  But Thats your look out — I’ve not much to do with that — But pleas God to

  hold up fine,

  I’d show you caps and pinners and small things as lilliwhit as Ever

  crosst the Line

  Without going any Father off then Little Parodies Place,

  And Thats more than you Can — and I’ll say it behind your face —

  But when Folks talks of washing, it aint for you to Speak, —

  As kept Dockter Pattyson out of his Shirt for a Weak!

  Thinks I, when I heard it — Well there’s a pretty go!

  That comes o’ not marking of things or washing out the marks, and

  Huddling ‘em up so!

  Till Their friends conies and owns them, like drownded corpeses in a Vault,

  But may Hap you havint Larn’d to spel — and That aint your Fault,

  Only you ought to leafe the Linnins to them as has Larn’d, —

  For if it warnt for Washing, — and whare Bills is concarned

  What’s the Yuse, of all the world, for a Womans Headication,

  And Their Being maid Schollards of Sundays — fit for any Cityation.

  Well, what I says is This — when every Kittle has its spout,

  Theirs no nead for Companys to puff steem about!

  To be sure its very Well, when Their aint enuff Wind

  For blowing up Boats with, — but not to hurt human kind

  Like that Pearkins with his Blunderbush, that’s loaded with hot water,

  Tho’ a X Sherif might know Better, than make things for slaughtter,

  As if War warnt Cruel enuff — wherever it befalls,

  Without shooting poor sogers, with sich scalding hot balls, —

  But thats not so Bad as a Sett of Bare Faced Scrubbs

  As joins their Sopes together, and sits up Steem rubbing Clubs,

  For washing Dirt Cheap, — and eating other Peple’s grubs!

  Which is all verry Fine for you and your Patent Tea,

  But I wonders How Poor Wommen is to get Their Beau-He!

  They must drink Hunt wash (the only wash God nose there will be!)

  And their Little drop of Somethings as they takes for their Goods,

  When you and your Steem has ruined (G — d forgive mee) their lively Hoods,

  Poor Wommen as was born to Washing in their youth!

  And now must go and Larn other Buisnesses Four Sooth!

  But if so be They leave their Lines what are they to go at —

  They won’t do for Angells — nor any Trade like That,

  Nor we cant Sow Babby Work, — for that’s all Bespoke, —

  For the Quakers in Bridle! and a vast of the confined Folk

  Do their own of Themselves — even the better-most of em — aye, and evn them

  of middling degrees —

  Why Lauk help you Babby Linen aint Bread and Cheese!

  Nor we can’t go a hammering the roads into Dust,

  But we must all go and be Bankers, — like Mr. Marshes and

  Mr. Charnberses, — and that’s what we must!

  God nose you oght to have more Concern for our Sects,

  When you nose you have suck’d us and hanged round our Mutherly necks,

  And remembers what you Owes to Wommen Besides washing —

  You aint, blame you! like Men to go a slushing and sloshing

  In mop caps, and pattins, adoing of Females Labers

  And prettily jear’d At you great Horse God Meril things, aint you now by

  your next door naybors —

  Lawk I thinks I
see you with your Sleaves tuckt up

  No more like Washing than is drownding of a Pupp,

  And for all Your Fine Water Works going round and round

  They’ll scruntch your Bones some day — I’ll be bound

  And no more nor be a gudgement, — for it cant come to good

  To sit up agin Providince, which your a doing, — nor not fit It should,

  For man warnt maid for Wommens starvation,

  Nor to do away Laundrisses as is Links of the Creation —

  And cant be dun without in any Country But a naked Hottinpot Nation.

  Ah, I wish our Minister would take one of your Tubbs

  And preach a Sermon in it, and give you some good rubs —

  But I warrants you reads (for you cant spel we nose) nyther Bybills or

  Good Tracks,

  Or youd no better than Taking the close off one’s Backs —

  And let your neighbors oxin an Asses alone, —

  And every Thing thats hern, — and give every one their Hone!

  Well, its God for us All, and every Washer Wommen for herself,

  And so you might, without shoving any on us off the shelf,

  But if you warnt Noddis youd Let wommen abe

  And pull off Your Pattins, — and leave the washing to we

  That nose what’s what — Or mark what I say,

  Youl make a fine Kittle of fish of Your Close some Day —

  When the Aulder men wants Their Bibs and their aint nun at all,

  And Cristmass cum — and never a Cloth to lay in Gild Hall,

  Or send a damp shirt to his Woship the Mare

  Till hes rumatiz Poor Man, and cant set uprite to do good in his

  Harm-Chare —

  Besides Miss-Matching Larned Ladys Hose, as is sent for you not to wash

  (for you don’t wash)

  And make Peples Stockins yeller as oght to be Blew,

  With a vast more like That, — and all along of Steem

  Which warnt meand by Nater for any sich skeam —

  But thats your Losses and youl have to make It Good,

  And I cant say I’m Sorry afore God if you shoud,

  For men mought Get their Bread a great many ways

  Without taking ourn, — aye, and Moor to your Prays