Humor in Uniform

by Editors of Reader's Digest

  — WILLIAM PARIS

  Our Army unit was overseas conducting maneuvers with the Marines. On shift one night, a Marine asked my sergeant where he was from. “I’m originally from Central America,” said the sergeant. “Oh, yeah?” asked the Marine. “Kansas?”

  — DAVID DENBEK

  The subject of the meeting was whether or not to buy a new chandelier for the sergeants’ mess hall. Some officers wanted to vote on it. But one holdout opted for prudence. “Before we spend money on a chandelier,” he said, “shouldn’t we find out if anyone can play the thing?”

  — J. STEVENS

  Overheard on the marine radio—a distress call to the Coast Guard from someone whose sailboat was taking on water: Coast Guard: “What is your position?” Distressed caller: “Vice president, State Street Bank!”

  — A. KEENAN

  * * *

  File under Only in the Army.

  A sign on the telephone in our barracks read

  “If broken, please call maintenance.”

  — ANDREW DRUST

  * * *

  Marine Corps pilots and aircraft maintenance technicians have a special bond. So I was unfazed when a flyboy described a vexing problem. “The radio,” he said, “worked intermittently . . . but only sometimes.”

  — JAMES BULMAN

  While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was. Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, “We admire any man who works with infants.”

  — TAEVEN THOMPSON

  Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror. “What a name for a doctor,” I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry. “Yeah,” he agreed. “You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major.”

  — GARY MEYERS

  Life in the Navy is dangerous. Which is why a sign was posted on a pier at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, reminding American sailors to “Drive Like You Work. Slow.”

  — DAVID HOLT

  Some Reassurance

  During the Cold War, I was an interpreter in the Air Force. We were testing a computer that purportedly could translate Russian into English, and vice versa. We began by uttering this English phrase, “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.“ The Russian translation came out, “Vodka horosho, no myaca slabie.” Or, in English, “The alcohol is good, but the meat is poor.”

  — SAM CONNOR

  While in the Navy, my primary duty was to sight guns. Wanting to move up in the military, I went to law school and applied for the Judge Advocate General’s Corps (JAG). My hopes of being a Navy lawyer were shot down, however, when I was rejected. It seems I suffered from poor vision.

  — ALBERT MALONE

  I was waiting for a flight to Texas along with four servicemen in desert camouflage uniforms. Over the top pocket of their uniform shirts was the branch of the military in which they served, followed by their last names. They were U.S. Navy, Ramirez, U.S. Army, Larkin and U.S. Army, O’Brien. The fourth man wasn’t a soldier. Above his shirt pocket it read, “D.O.D. Civilian, Coward.”

  — WILLIAM COGGER

  Our sergeant major was dimmer than a dying lightning bug. One day, I found a set of dog tags with his name on them in the shower. So, of course, I returned them. “Wow!” he said. “How’d you know they were mine?”

  — JOSÉ RODRIGUEZ

  Boarding a military transport plane, I noticed hydraulic fluid pouring from the tail section. “Excuse me,” I said to a crew member. “Do you know the aircraft has a leak?” “Yep,” he said as he continued on his way. “Aren’t you concerned?” He shrugged. “Well,” I asked, “how do you know when you’re out of fluid?” “When it quits leaking,” he answered.

  — DAVID FORD

  Fascinated by the military, my son went online to research everything there was to know about the armed forces, from training to equipment. Looking up bulletproof vests, he found one with an interesting warranty. It said: “Guaranteed or your money back.”

  — LORI SERVISS

  Everyone knows that physical fitness and safety are paramount in the military. Which may go a long way in explaining why a recent motivational campaign produced the following poster: “Safety—Now with fewer carbs!”

  — LIN ALLEN

  When I was stationed at March Air Force Base (now known as March Air Reserve Base) in California, the technicians who took identification card photos were apparently fed up with complaints about the quality of the IDs. This sign was posted where it could be seen by everyone coming in for a new card: “If you want a better picture, bring a better face!”

  — ED MATTSON

  Hey Medic

  The time came for annual immunizations at our overseas Air Force base. To get us all vaccinated as quickly as possible, they pressed the veterinary surgeon into helping out. I got my injection from the vet. “Wow,” I said, “you did that so gently, I hardly felt it.” “I have to be gentle,” he said. “My patients can bite.”

  — ANTONY MWANGI

  Newly minted as an ensign, I reported for duty at the naval medical center in San Diego, ready to follow all the rules. Expecting a no-nonsense environment, I was surprised to see a sign above the door of my new ward: “Welcome to Proctology. To expedite your visit, please back in.”

  — DIANE PENCE

  My company was standing in line for shots and medical exams at the Naval Training Center Great Lakes. We each wore only an iodine number on our chests, and were surprised when a nurse suddenly walked in. Assessing the situation, she solved our problem when she yelled, “Close your eyes, fellows. I’m coming through.”

  — DANIEL RESPESS

  I was new to the emergency medical branch at Fort Leonard Wood, Mo., where about ten platoon members and I were checking and stocking equipment. Suddenly a bell began to ring, and everyone dropped his equipment, grabbed his hat and headed for the exits. I did the same, scrambling to get out of the building. Concerned, I asked another soldier what was going on. “The ice-cream truck is here!” he replied.

  — SUSAN HAL

  After joining the Navy, my husband underwent a physical. During the exam, it was discovered that, due to a bum shoulder, he couldn’t fully extend his arms above his head. Perplexed, the doctor conferred with another physician. “Let him pass,” said the second doctor. “I don’t see any problems unless he has to surrender.”

  — BETTY LEE

  When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World War II vet, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he’d be eligible for benefits. The next day my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: “Right war, wrong side.”

  — M. MURRAY

  A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee. “What’s that?” I asked, unable to make out the design. “It’s a banjo,” he said sheepishly. “I’m from Alabama.”

  — MARY K. PARKER

  * * *

  As a first-time patient at a naval dental clinic, I was looking around for the restrooms. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the sign pointing me in the right direction. It said “Patients’ heads located upstairs.”

  — KEITH BROCATO

  * * *

  Stating the Obvious

  My husband had been stationed in Euro
pe and away from home for what seemed like years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup. My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for birth control. I gave the only possible response I could: “The Atlantic Ocean.”

  — VICKI L. BAILEY

  I was at an Air Force hospital as a second-year medical student. After assisting during a knee surgery, the nurse anesthetist and I were having trouble waking the patient. Our staff physician, however, knew what to do. “Marine,” he shouted, “this is Colonel Smith.” The patient then promptly sat straight up on the gurney and replied, “Sir!”

  — 2ND LT. JOSHUA CAREY

  My father-in-law, a retired Army officer, was recently in the hospital for surgery, and on the day of his operation, I went to wish him luck. I quickly found out he hadn’t lost his military bearing—or his sense of humor. After I knocked, I heard him call out, “Friend or enema?”

  — DEBORAH MARTIN

  As a members of an Air Force Reserve medical unit, we worked with nurses just out of nursing school who were not used to military ranks. This notice appeared on our bulletin board: “There will be a meeting of all junior officers at 1300 hours today. If you are not sure if you are a junior officer, plan on attending.”

  — MARY SCHMIDT

  During the time I was a first lieutenant at Seymour Johnson Air Force Base in North Carolina, the junior officers challenged the senior officers to see who would donate the most blood. After trying several times to locate a vein in my left arm, the technician applied a Band-Aid, then inserted a needle into my right arm, and after drawing blood, put a bandage on that arm as well. As I left the collection facility, I passed a colonel. Noting my two bandages, he looked at me and shook his head, saying, “I knew you young guys would find a way to cheat.”

  — JAMES H. DILDA

  There was a long-standing practice at our hospital in Virginia that physicians with a rank of major or above did not have to rotate through nighttime emergency-room duty. A new commanding officer, however, issued an order that all physicians, regardless of rank, must take ER call. On his first night of emergency-room duty, our pathologist, a major, had to see a colonel’s wife who was complaining of abdominal pain. “I’ll try to evaluate you as best as I can,” he said after introducing himself. “But I must inform you that you are the first living patient I’ve seen in fifteen years.”

  — JAMES R. RAYMOND, M.D.

  When I entered the Army medical center on base 20 minutes prior to delivering my baby, I had a hard time convincing the staff that I was definitely in the last stages of labor. We had waited 10 minutes in the pre-admittance area when a nurse finally came in and said, “My name is Captain Smith, but you can call me Lisa.” “I’m Chaplain Barclay,” my husband responded, “but you can call me Kleet.” “My name is Holly,” I added in frustration, “but in a few minutes you can call me Mom!”

  — HOLLY BARCLAY

  While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital’s emergency room, I was required to introduce myself by my rank and full name. I usually refer to myself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day I rushed into a patient’s room and blurted, “Hi, I’m Ensign Payne.” “Hi,” the patient responded. “I’m in some pain, too.”

  — MIKE PAYNE

  Use What You Know

  While assigned to the Naval Medical Center in San Diego, I overheard this conversation between a pharmacy technician and a sergeant who needed a prescription filled for his son. Technician: “How old is your boy?” Sergeant: “Three months.” Technician: “What’s his weight?” Sergeant: “About two M-16s.” Technician: “Loaded or unloaded?”

  — MARCELO BUNDANG

  As a physical therapist, I was working with a retired Army colonel. During part of his rehab, I had him walk back and forth while facing me the entire time. “Colonel,” I joked, “you walk better backward than forward.” “Yeah,” he deadpanned. “My battalion retreated a lot.”

  — JENNIFER SEKULA

  The scale at our clinic in Iraq was pitiful. Just to get it working properly required plenty of kicking and stomping. One day, as I was going through my weighing-in routine, a medic walked by. Watching as I pounded the scale with my feet, he wondered aloud, “Killing the messenger?”

  — DAWN NEHLS

  An odd thing happened when I contacted the Navy about my health care: They said their records listed me as “deceased.” The petty officer I spoke to was very helpful and input my current information into the computer. But a window popped up and balked: “Are you sure you want to resurrect Joseph S. Clein?”

  — JOSEPH S. CLEIN

  As an Army dentist, one day I treated a general on base. During his visit I had to make impressions of his teeth, and the puttylike substance I used smeared all over his lips and cheeks. After I was done I invited him over to the sink, gave him a moist towel and asked him to “clean up the mess I made” while I filled out the lab report. When I turned back around, my heart skipped a beat as I watched the general wipe up the counter around the sink.

  — LT. COL. WILLIAM C. ELTON

  During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he placed the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn’t hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did. When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, “This might hurt a little more than I thought.”

  — SHERRI VINIARD

  * * *

  While visiting a VA hospital with my son, I overheard a retired Army sergeant asking people which branch of the military they’d served in. Some said Army, a few Navy, others Air Force. “What were you in?” she asked a man who’d just entered the room. Confused, he mumbled, “The bathroom.”

  — SUSAN LOPSHIRE

  * * *

  Going through some of my grandfather’s old books, I found a Serviceman’s Spiritual Handbook from World War II. “I didn’t know Pop Pop was in World War II,” I said to my father. “Where was he stationed?” “He was in the Army at Cape Hatteras, assigned as a lookout to watch for German U-boats,” my father replied. “So he was never in active combat abroad?” I queried. “That’s right,” my father answered. “The Army didn’t think his eyesight was good enough.”

  — SARAH B. PAUL

  Two weeks after having a vasectomy, I was discussing the procedure with a friend who was going to have one, too. “It was quick outpatient surgery,” I assured him, “although I did experience some minor complications because of infection.” He looked worried, so I tried to lighten the mood. “Hey, I only paid $15 for the operation after insurance—I guess you get what you pay for.” “Oh, no,” he exclaimed in alarm. “I’m having mine done at the naval hospital—and it’s free!”

  — STEVE M. WHALEN

  The military is a stickler for rules, and when it comes to off-base medical treatment, the rules are that many procedures need to be preauthorized. So when we were expecting our first child, my husband and I did things by the book. After our son was born on September 22, the insurance statement showed that the obstetrician was not paid the full contracted amount. So I called our insurer’s representative. “The problem is, your son was born early,” she said, looking through my files. “And the Air Force hadn’t authorized him to arrive for another two weeks.”

  — AMY AMSDEN

  I didn’t enlist in the Army—I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, “Can you read the letters on the wall?” “What letters?” I answered slyly. “Good,” said the doctor. “You passed the hearing test.”

  — ROBERT DUPREY

  Rank and File

  Reporting to Camp Lejeune, I wa
s glad my husband had already explained to me that a “Commissioned Officers Mess (open)” is open to all officers, whereas a “Commissioned Officers Mess (closed)” is limited to officers residing on base. Therefore, I understood this message: “During the holidays the Commissioned Officers Mess (open) will be closed. The Commissioned Officers Mess (closed) will be open.”

  — PATRICIA W. MINER

  My cousin, a senior airman in the Air Force, and my brother-in-law, a Marine sergeant, were comparing their experiences in the Saudi Arabian desert. They commiserated about the heat, sand and food. But when my Air Force cousin grumbled about the uncomfortable beds and the small tents, my Marine brother-in-law looked surprised. His astonishment grew as my cousin went on to complain about the unreliable air-conditioning and meager choice of cable channels. Finally the Marine spoke up: “Tents? You had tents!”

  — A. K. MCNEILL

  The theater group at our Navy base delayed the opening curtain until well after the 8 P.M. starting time because the commanding officer was still conspicuously absent from his reserved front-row seat. Since we were all aware of military protocol, everyone waited patiently. When a member of our drama club finally spotted the captain settling into his seat, we quickly dimmed the lights. That’s when we heard the captain proclaim to his wife, “Great luck! We made it just in time.”

  — LEE R. FEATHERINGHAM

  While visiting our daughter Susan, who was stationed at Fort Hood Army Base, we joined her at the officers club. Upon entering the building, Susan hung her cap in the hall, and I asked her if she wasn’t afraid that someone might take it. “No, I’m not worried,” she said, sighing. “No one wants to be a second lieutenant.”