Leah on the Offbeat

by Becky Albertalli

  When she and Abby see each other, they shriek and hug in the doorway, even though I’m pretty sure they’ve met literally once. Honestly, how well can you know your cousin’s girlfriend’s friend’s sister? But it’s Abby, so who knows.

  “And you must be Leah,” Caitlin says. “Here, let me grab your bags.” We follow her into a sunny open kitchen with marble countertops, chrome appliances, and cheerfully stacked Fiestaware. It looks so perfectly adult. I knew Caitlin lived off campus, so it’s not like I expected a dorm room, but this apartment looks like something out of HGTV. I didn’t realize college sophomores could live like this.

  “So, this is it. Bedroom, bathroom, I’ve got the Wi-Fi password written down, and you have my number. You guys are going on a tour tomorrow, right?”

  Abby nods. “In the afternoon.”

  “Cool. Well, if you’re up for it, my friend Eva is having people over tomorrow night. They live downstairs—it’s literally this exact apartment, but on the fifth floor. Leah, you would love them. They’re a drummer.”

  That casual singular they. It isn’t even my pronoun, but it feels like a hug. Because if Caitlin’s unfazed by her enby friend’s pronouns, she’d probably be unfazed by me being bi.

  “Anyway, I can text you the info.”

  “So, it’s a party?” Abby asks.

  Caitlin shrugs. “I guess so? Not really, though. I think it’s going to be super chill.” She twists her hair back and releases it. “You guys should totally stop by. And here’s the parking permit. You can just prop it near your windshield.”

  “I should do that now,” Abby says.

  “Perfect. I’ll walk you to the parking lot. And I guess that’s everything.”

  “Thank you,” I say. “Seriously.”

  “Oh my God, of course!” She hugs me, and it’s like hugging a flower. It’s like that with skinny people. I’m always terrified I’ll crush them.

  They leave, and suddenly I’m alone in this stranger’s apartment. But I hear Abby’s giggle all the way down the hall.

  I call Mom at the office.

  “There you are! I was starting to worry. How was the drive?”

  “Good.”

  “That all you’re giving me? Good?”

  “It was amazing,” I say. “It was unicorns vomiting sunbeams.” I push aside two fuzzy white throw pillows and sink onto the couch.

  “And Abby’s good?”

  “Yup.”

  “Run into any hotties yet?”

  “Mom.”

  “I’m just asking.”

  “Okay, first of all, we’ve been here for five minutes. Second of all, don’t say hotties.” I roll my eyes. “And I’m not hooking up with anyone.”

  “Okay, but you know the drill. Dental dam! Condom!” Mom’s golden rule. Not super relevant, considering I get no action. And even if I did, it sure as hell wouldn’t be on this trip. Not in Caitlin’s apartment, and definitely not in front of Abby. I can’t imagine bringing a girl home. Abby wouldn’t even know what was happening. I’m 99 percent sure she thinks I’m straight. Even Simon thinks I’m straight.

  I feel weird about that sometimes—the fact that Simon’s out to me, but I’m not out to him. It’s like when Leia says I love you, and Han Solo says I know. Like everything’s slightly off-balance. It bugs me. But the thought of telling him now makes me want to throw up. I should have told him a year ago. I don’t think it would have been a big deal then, but now it feels insurmountable. It’s like I missed a beat somewhere, and now the whole song’s off tempo.

  And that’s pretty much how I feel when I end the call with Mom. I tuck up against the armrest of Caitlin’s couch, but my limbs feel twitchy and restless. I want to explore the apartment, but something about that feels wrong. Maybe it’s the fact that I would die before leaving someone alone in my space. I get sick just imagining it. All my dirty clothes and half-finished fan art. I don’t get how people walk through life with all their windows wide open.

  I hear the doorknob turn—Abby’s back from the parking lot. She flops down beside me. “This place is amazing.”

  “I know.”

  “And it’s a one bedroom. How does she even afford that?” She kicks off her flats and tucks her feet up onto the couch. “I don’t even think I’d want that.”

  “You mean money?”

  “No, I mean a one bedroom. I definitely want a roommate. Or a suite-mate.”

  “A roommate would be cheaper.”

  “Cheaper is good,” she agrees. She sits up straighter, meeting my eyes. “Have you thought about that at all?”

  “Roommates?”

  She nods, then pauses. “You and I could be roommates.”

  “That’s what Simon wants.”

  “Yeah, I know. He mentioned that. But it’s not a bad idea, you know?”

  She has to be kidding. Not a bad idea? Abby living in my bedroom. I’d lose my mind in a week.

  “Or not,” she says quickly. “Just a thought. We don’t even have to decide now.”

  I nod wordlessly.

  “So, I asked Caitlin about the party.”

  “Okay.” I frown.

  “Apparently, it’s just a few people hanging out. Like, just a Tuesday-night thing.” She bites her lip. “I don’t think it’s even a real party.”

  “Let me guess. You want to go.”

  “Only if you’re going.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know.”

  “Maybe we could just stop by for a second.” She scoots closer, hands clasped. “Just to cheer me up after my breakup?”

  I scoff. “You dumped him!”

  “But I still feel shitty about it.”

  “And a party will fix that?”

  “Definitely.”

  I pause and then sigh. “See, this is why we can’t be roommates.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because you’d make me go to parties. You’d do doe eyes at me until I agreed.”

  “Oh.” Abby grins. “Yeah, that’s probably true.”

  I look away, smiling. “Whatever. It’s tomorrow, right?”

  “Right.”

  I roll my eyes. “All right, but I’m not drinking anything.”

  “Ahhhhh!” She presses her hands to her cheeks. “I can’t wait. Leah, we’re going to an actual college party!”

  “Mmm.”

  “No, I’m serious—this is going to be so awesome. Do you realize this is the beginning?”

  “The beginning of what?”

  She sinks back, smiling dreamily. “Of real life. Of adulthood.”

  “That’s terrifying.”

  “It’s amazing.”

  I roll my eyes—but when she smiles at me, I can’t help but smile back.

  18

  WE SPEND THE AFTERNOON WANDERING through downtown Athens—past music venues and into vintage clothing shops, where Abby spends her food money on a pair of faux leather ankle boots. Outside, there are flyers all around, advertising deejay nights and college theater and a band called Motel/Hotel, scheduled to play this weekend. And everywhere we look, there are restaurants. Abby announces that she’s starving—and, luckily, she has her parents’ debit card, so we stop at an ATM.

  “When I was little, every time my mom took out money, I used to think we’d won the jackpot,” says Abby. “I was like, Mom rules at this game.”

  “I just loved how crisp the bills were when they came out,” I say.

  “I still love that.”

  “I think now I just love it for being money.”

  Abby smiles. “That’s sweet, Leah. You love it for who it is.”

  We stop at a diner for buttery grilled cheese sandwiches, and then we follow it up with ice cream before returning to Caitlin’s. And for the whole walk back, there’s this happy buzz in my stomach. Like, maybe this is it. This is what college is like.

  Back upstairs, we tuck in on opposite ends of the couch with our phones, Abby texting her cousins while I text Simon.

  How’s she doing???
he asks.

  She seems okay.

  Really? Ugh. Well, Nick’s a mess.

  Abby nudges me. “Want to see a picture of my cousins?” She scoots closer, tilting her screen toward me. I peer at the image: Abby sandwiched between two white girls, all bright-eyed and beaming, with loosely wavy hair. “Molly’s the brunette, and Cassie’s the blonde,” Abby says. “This was from their moms’ wedding.”

  She swipes through a few more pictures, landing on a brightly lit shot of two women grinning at each other under a floral arch. One is honey-blond with kind of a granola vibe, even in a wedding dress. The other woman is wearing pants, and she has Abby’s face. I mean, literally, she’s an older version of Abby. It’s really disorienting.

  “I didn’t know you had gay aunts,” I say finally.

  “Yeah, my aunt Nadine is a lesbian. I think Aunt Patty is bi.”

  I look at the picture again. “Nadine is your dad’s sister?”

  “Yup. He has two. She’s the youngest.”

  “Is he weird about her being a lesbian?”

  “Not at all.”

  “I’m kind of surprised.”

  “Really?” She smiles slightly.

  My cheeks heat up. “I don’t know. You always said your dad was so strict and traditional.”

  “No, he is. But he’s cool about that. I mean, I don’t know what he’d say if my brother or I came home and announced we were gay—” She cuts herself off, blushing.

  And then neither of us speak. I fiddle with the remote control. Abby stares at it for a moment.

  Then her phone starts vibrating, and she snaps back into herself. “It’s Simon,” she says. She meets my eyes while she answers it. Then she slips back to Caitlin’s bedroom, the phone to her ear.

  For a minute, I just stare at the ceiling fan. My phone buzzes a few times. Sometimes I think texting is the single worst technological advancement in history. Because yeah, it’s convenient. But in moments like this, it’s like someone’s poking you repeatedly, going hey hey hey.

  Of course it’s Nick, king of casual. Hey how’s it going down there? Just wondering if you guys have any cool plans.

  Bet there’s lots of college guys there, heh. Abby probably won’t miss me too much.

  Has she mentioned me? lol

  I stare at the phone. I don’t know what to say. Like, holy shit. I feel bad for Nick. I really do. But this is so far above my pay grade, I don’t even know where to begin. So I give up. I set my phone down and dig around for my sketchpad and pencils instead. I need to get into my zone. That happens sometimes when I’m drawing. It’s like the world stops existing. Everything disappears, except the point of my pencil. I can never quite explain it to people. Sometimes there’s a picture in my head, and all I have to do is translate it into curves and shading. But sometimes I don’t know what I’m drawing until I draw it.

  I settle back onto the couch and start sketching—and instantly, my body calms. When I draw, it’s almost always fandom stuff. People on Tumblr seem to like it.

  But today, I draw a box.

  Not a box—an ATM.

  I draw it like it’s an arcade game, surrounded by Skee-Ball and claw machines. I make dollar bills spurt out of the cash dispenser and soar through the air. I draw Abby, gasping joyfully, like she just won the jackpot. Then I draw myself beside her, hands clapped over my mouth.

  It’s the first time I’ve drawn Abby in a year and a half. It’s the first time I’ve drawn myself since then, too.

  “What the heck are you writing?” Abby says. I look up to find her smiling expectantly. She sinks back onto the couch and sets her phone on the coffee table. “I love how you’re just sitting here giggling to yourself.”

  “I’m drawing.”

  “Can I see?” She scoots closer.

  I tilt the sketchpad toward her, and she bursts out laughing. “Oh my God. Is that us?”

  I nod.

  “We’re playing the ATM!”

  “And we’re winning.”

  “Of course we’re winning. We’re awesome at this.” Her lips tug up in the corners. “God. You’re so talented, Leah. I’m jealous.”

  “Whatever.” I stare down at my sketchpad, letting my hair fall forward to hide my smile.

  “I’m serious. You could do commissions or something. People would totally pay for your stuff.”

  “No they wouldn’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because.” I shrug.

  Because I’m not good enough. Because there’s something off about every single drawing. There’s always one ear higher than the other, or too-short fingers, or visible eraser marks. It’s never perfect.

  “I swear, you’re so much more talented than you realize. I’d pay for this in a heartbeat.”

  I blush. “You can have it.”

  She inhales. “Really?”

  “Sure.” I tear the page out, carefully, and hand it to her.

  She peers at it for a moment, and then hugs it to her chest. “You know, I still have the other picture you drew of us.”

  Everything freezes: my heart, my lungs, my brain.

  She looks up at me. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Okay.”

  She pauses. Shuts her mouth. Opens it again. And then she says quietly, “Why did we stop being friends?”

  My stomach flips. “We are friends.”

  “Yeah, but last year. I don’t know.” She bites her lip. “I kept trying to figure out what I did, or if I said something to upset you. It’s like, you were my best friend here for a while, but then you just stopped talking to me.”

  God. There’s definitely some tiny invisible asshole punching me in the lungs. And winding up my heart to hyperspeed, and using my stomach like a trampoline. I can’t make my thoughts line up. All I know is that I don’t want to talk about this. I’d rather talk about literally anything but this.

  I pause. “I didn’t mean to.”

  “So what happened? Did I do something?”

  “No, it’s just,” I begin—but it dies on my tongue.

  It’s just that she was funny. And beautiful. And I felt more awake when I was around her. Everything was amplified. We’d be waiting by the buses, or she’d be talking about her old school, and I’d catch myself smiling, for no reason at all. I had a dream once where she kissed me on the collarbone. Softly and quickly—barely a thing. I woke up aching. I couldn’t look at her all day.

  And the catch in her voice when I showed her my drawing. I love it so much. Leah. I’m going to cry.

  She’d looked at me then, her eyes practically liquid. If I’d been just a little braver, I swear to God, I would have kissed her. It would have been easy. Just the tiniest lean forward.

  But then she’d tucked her legs up onto the ledge and clasped her hands together. “Can I tell you a secret?” She studied my face for a minute, and then pressed her hands to her cheeks, smiling. “Wow, I’m really nervous.”

  It was strange. She’d seemed breathless.

  “Why are you nervous?”

  “Because. I don’t know.” Then she poked the edge of my drawing. “God. I really love this. I know exactly what moment that was.”

  “Okay,” I’d said quietly.

  Then her hand brushed close to mine, and my organs rearranged themselves. That’s literally how it felt. Like someone stirred me up from the inside. I drew my knees up to my chest, feeling sharp-edged and awkward. Abby glanced at me for a split second, touched her mouth, and blinked.

  “You know, my bus is probably here.” She swallowed. “I should get down to the loading dock.”

  “So you’re just going to leave me hanging on the secret, Suso?”

  She smiled faintly. “Maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

  But she didn’t. She texted me once. Happy birthday, with a balloon emoji. I wrote back, thanks, with a smiley face.

  And that was it. No reply.

  By Monday, everything was painfully normal. No more nervous glances. No weird
ness. Abby and Nick spent all of English class jostling and play-fighting on the couch. At lunch, Abby and Simon yammered on about play rehearsal. It was like the secret had evaporated.

  And now Abby’s staring at my face like I’m a movie in another language. Like she’s looking for the subtitles. “It’s just what?” she asks finally.

  “Sorry?”

  “You trailed off, mid-thought.”

  “Oh.” I stare at my hands.

  She pauses. “If you don’t want to talk about it—”

  “Okay,” I say quickly.

  “Okay what?”

  “Okay, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  And Abby rolls her eyes, just barely.

  We spend our first evening in Athens eating popchips and watching Tiny House Hunters. There’s a young, white hipster couple featured today—though I guess that’s every day. They’re named Alicia and Lyon, and Lyon keeps using words like repurposed and sustainable.

  “This can’t be real,” Abby says.

  “Oh, it’s real.”

  “How does this even work? Where are they keeping their car?”

  “They’re keeping their old house. They’re putting the tiny house in the backyard.”

  “My God,” Abby says, pressing her lips together. She shakes her head at the TV. Then, a beat later: “Hey, we should order those cookies that come in pizza boxes.”

  “Dude.”

  “Right?” Abby says.

  And in this moment, it’s easy to imagine this working. This friendship. Maybe we really could be roommates. We could hang around in pajamas and Skype with Simon and eat cookies every night and make straight As all the time. She can have a boyfriend, I can hopelessly pine for some sophomore, and we’ll be legit best friends. At least I wouldn’t have to live with a stranger.

  But then sometime around eleven, Abby yawns and stretches. “I think I’m ready to go to sleep.”

  And suddenly, I’m very aware that Caitlin only has one bed.

  “I can sleep on the couch,” I say quickly.

  “What?” Abby looks at me like I’m speaking total nonsense. “That’s ridiculous. It’s a king-sized bed. It’s literally the size of Lyon and Alicia’s house.”

  “That’s true.”

  And okay. I’m being ridiculous. Abby and I have shared floor space this small dozens of times, at Simon’s house and Nick’s house and every group sleepover. Even the car ride here forced us closer together. We could probably have three feet of empty space between us if we wanted to.