First Comes Love

by Juliana Conners

  “Great,” I’d said, excited by the prospect.

  “There are some books in the firm’s library, or if none of them are adequate, feel free to order what you need online, and bill it to the firm account.”

  “Sure,” I’d told her, although I had no idea how to do that.

  “Bill it to the Training file,” she’d told me, with a wink. “They let associates do that— and they even count the hours— with permission from a partner. So just be sure to note that I instructed you to do it that way.”

  “Thanks,” I’d answered, sounding like a broken record, but I was truly grateful for her help.

  It was comical, really, when I thought about how different her instructions were when compared to Asher’s. I highly doubt she’d hide BDSM- appropriate lingerie in a library book.

  Since then I’d spent hours reading deposition preparation books— much of which contained information I’d already learned during my first year of law school— taking notes, and billing it to Training.

  So now I’m glad for the chance to leave my cubicle and enter a partner’s office. I wish that I was entering Asher’s office but since I’m not, I’ll have to face reality and make my best impression with Janice. At least until Asher is done putting me in time out. And I really hope that’s all he’s doing.

  Chapter 22 – Madilyn

  I knock on Janice’s door and she says, “Come in!” in a singsong-like yet distracted sounding voice.

  When I open the door I see that she’s sitting in her office chair, hastily going through a pile of messy folders and papers in her lap. She looks up at me as if in a daze, her curly brown hair flying in all different kinds of directions.

  “Oh, hi Madilyn,” she says, apparently coming back from la- la land.

  I begin to realize what Mandy meant about Janice coming off as a huge flake. And I’m not sure how she came to be a successful partner here.

  “Did Alice send you?” Janice asks.

  “Excuse me?”

  “My secretary. Alice. I’d been wanting to talk with you so I figured that’s why you’re here.”

  I stare at her blankly.

  “But now that I think about it,” she continues, “I never got around to asking Alice to set up an appointment with you.”

  “I see. Well, here I am.” I smile sheepishly. “And it wasn’t Alice who told me to come, but Mr. Marks.”

  “Oh yes. Mr. Marks. I had spoken with him about his mentoring of you after you told me the other day that you don’t have enough billable hours.”

  I clear my throat, but no words come out. My stomach sinks, wondering if Asher is mad that I had mentioned anything to Alice.

  “I had already started thinking about what work to give you, and that’s why I kept meaning to have Alice send for you. I need you to do some work on the Valdez case. We’ll have a meeting with Kim soon.”

  Kim is an associate and a really annoying one at that. She was a year ahead of me in law school and she was on the editorial board of law review. She’s a real brownnoser although she’s not that bright.

  Since arriving here at the firm and having nothing to do but observe, I’ve observed that Kim does most of her work for Janice. I’m sure she won’t be happy that I’ve stepped in and I can already imagine her always trying to boss me around and tell me how Janice likes things done. That’s exactly how she was in law school, anyway.

  I’m really regretting not wearing that fucking outfit. I think I would have had a much sweeter deal working with Asher and on his many important cases, as opposed to working on Janice’s small depositions and with her bossy associate.

  But it’s not like I have a choice.

  “Okay. Sure,” I tell her.

  “After I talked to Asher… I mean, Mr. Marks—” Janice blows a runaway strand of hair from her face, before continuing— “He told me he has been too busy to properly mentor you right now and asked me to step in for the time being.”

  “I see.”

  I hold back a sigh of relief. The phrases “right now” and “for the time being” give me a little hope. It’s not that Asher is completely dumping me for good. He’s just… temporarily stepping aside. Or something.

  “And I also wanted to talk to you about something else. In fact, can you close the door?”

  “Okay.”

  I do so, wondering what could be so top secret.

  “Have a seat,” she says, and gestures to a chair in front of her desk. But both that chair and the one beside it are loaded down with papers and files, piled in haphazard and precarious stacks.

  I try to lift some out of the way, wondering where I should put them.

  “I forgot about those things,” Janice says. “Alice was supposed to move them. Shall I call her in and have her come do it?”

  “No, it’s okay. I can just…”

  I try to set one pile of papers on top of the higher stack of papers on the other chair but it clearly won’t work without everything tumbling down.

  “…remain standing,” I tell her, placing the pile of papers back on the chair from which I’d removed them and hoping they don’t fall over.

  “Okay. Sorry about that. I need to clean my office. Anyway. About Asher Marks. As I was saying.”

  I look at her and nod, even though she hadn’t been saying anything about him.

  “About this mentorship program,” she says. “Asher is the type of person who doesn’t do anything that doesn’t benefit him. Do you understand?”

  I blink.

  This is where she’s going to tell me that she knows what Asher and I did. And that I’ll never be respected in the firm because of it.

  This is where I find out that not only do I not get Asher, but I also get punished even though I didn’t even give in to my baser instincts and let myself be with him. Or not all the way, anyway. Not the way that now I wish I had.

  This is where it all comes tumbling down.

  And I didn’t even get to have sex with Asher Marks.

  Chapter 23 – Madilyn

  “I have a feeling you understand more than you let on,” Janice continues, when I don’t answer. “I’m going to go with the assumption that you understand to some degree. But just to give a little more explanation. For the longest time, there was no mentorship program at this firm. Associates were expected to just sort of learn as they went.”

  She waves her hands around frantically.

  “Sink or swim.”

  She mimics drowning, her hands pretending to be waves and then pretending that they’re sinking underneath the waves.

  This lady is weird.

  “That’s how it was back when I started,” she finally continues, her hands still now. “But then Asher Marks decided to make a mentorship program. This from the man who never did a thing for anyone but himself. And why should he have to?”

  She’s looking at me like she expects me to answer. I nod, encouraging her to continue so that I don’t have to talk.

  “He shouldn’t have to,” she says, answering her own question. “The firm exists because of him. He doesn’t have to spend time doing anything but billing very profitable hours for the few clients rich enough to hire him. And then he could go off mountain climbing or trial running or whatever it is that he does in his spare time.”

  “Right.”

  She reaches behind her head and scratches her neck with a pen. Then she tries to tie back some of her dark, unruly hair but it doesn’t exactly cooperate.

  “So you should just take some time and think about why this man who doesn’t have to help anyone— and never had— suddenly was interested in starting a mentorship program. And I’m not saying it hasn’t benefited associates,” she adds. “Or that it wasn’t a good thing. A needed thing. But just think about it. And think about how all of his associates are young, attractive women.”

  “Oh. Okay.”

  I can’t think of anything else to say that wouldn’t give me away.

  Jealous, I think.

  I�
��m relieved that she doesn’t seem to know what happened between Asher and me. And that there is obviously bad blood between her and Asher, that she’s unnecessarily involving me in.

  If only she knew I had turned him down— kind of— and that’s why I’m sitting here in this office and assigned to work under her when I’m not banished to Cubicle Hell. But I’m not about to give away any information.

  “I don’t usually get to warn the new mentees,” she tells me, looking as if she wants to pat herself on the back. “By the time Asher Marks gets to them, they’re like little hypnotized zombies. But you— Madilyn— you’re different. I knew there was something different about you, and I have a feeling you might be receptive to what I’m saying. That might be why Mr. Marks doesn’t have the time to work with you right now, in fact.”

  “I see,” I say.

  It’s hard to keep thinking of things to say that sound short and disinterested, while still being polite.

  Just when I think that Janice is finished talking to me, she swivels in her chair and says, “And just be aware of the Old Boys’ Club.”

  “The Old Boys’…” I trail off, not wanting to invite her to say more, but not really knowing what she means.

  “Oh come on, Madilyn, don’t be naive. Everyone knows there’s an old boys club here. Almost all of the partners are men, and they all hang out with each other and do everything together, without ever inviting any women.”

  “I see,” I repeat.

  “So you just don’t want to alienate yourself from the few female partners who are here,” she continues. “Females in this profession and this firm get a very bad rap. They lure us in with a great benefits package, including paid maternity leave and time off for family, but if we actually take advantage of those benefits, we’re looked down upon by the Powers That Be, who are all male, and who judge us for failing to bill our requisite two thousand hours one year because we had a baby that year. Or a sick mother we have to take care of. Et cetera. You get my drift.”

  I’m extremely confused as to what this has to do with Asher, but I say nothing except for another “I see.”

  I suppose maybe Janice thinks we have female solidarity, in the sense that I’m being forced to be her mentee and she was able to “warn me” about my former mentor.

  “I’m glad we had this talk,” she says, swiveling her chair back around to angle towards her computer, which I hope means I get to leave soon.

  But she continues, of course.

  “I just want you to take it to heart. I’m here to help you further your career. And Asher Marks has a lot of enemies. Sure, he also has a lot of clout because he’s a top rainmaker, but money isn’t everything. Some people think Mr. Marks is bad news. He’s in it for himself. He’s not a team player. Et cetera. You don’t want to get wrapped up with someone like that. Not to mention the issue of him being a little bit of a... playboy, if you know what I mean.”

  Ah-ha. So here it is.

  She sounds jealous on a personal level.

  “I understand, Ms. Maloney,” I tell her.

  “Call me Janice,” she says. “I’m not that much older than you.”

  I decide to ignore the obvious hint of bitterness in her voice.

  “I just want to work with all the different partners and I hope that all of you will like me,” I continue.

  “Asher Marks not liking you is not what I’m concerned about,” Janice replies, looking back down at the stack of papers in her lap as if dismissing me from the conversation. “It’s quite the opposite, in fact.”

  Well don’t worry about that, I want to tell her. I already fucked that up.

  But instead I just tell her, “I’m glad we had this talk. Thanks for the help.”

  “Anytime. And on your way out, please tell Alice that she’s needed in here. I can’t find any of the papers I need. I swear I was just working on them right here…”

  She disappears under a pile of papers and I say, “Okay, I will. Thanks, Janice.”

  I have to pass Asher’s office on my way back down to the paralegals’ floor. When I had walked by on my way to Janice’s office, he wasn’t in there. Now, I see him at his desk, typing at his computer. I want to linger, to give him a chance to say something to me.

  Maybe this change is just temporary. He’s just trying to teach me not to disobey him. And maybe he has gotten through to me. I’d do almost anything to be back in his office, rather than listening to Janice’s cryptic lectures and life lessons.

  But I continue on my way. I made my decision, and he clearly made his.

  Now I just have to move on and focus on my career the way I’m supposed to. As soon as I can get Asher Marks out of my head.

  Chapter 24 – Asher

  I climb the large boulder, slow and steady. I make good progress, and remain patient as I find and grip each hold in front of me.

  One rock at a time.

  That’s how I handle climbing, and life in general.

  Even though I’m feeling restless and frustrated, I have to remember my motto. And my rules. They keep me on track and keep my head in the right place, even when my emotions try to take over.

  My afternoon arbitration resolved earlier than I’d expected it to, so I’d headed to the mountains. This is usually the one place I feel serene, in my own element.

  But today it doesn’t seem to be helping much.

  I’d watched Madilyn on the firm security camera earlier today. I saw her reading an email from her supposed ex boyfriend. Things had looked promising when she’d broken up with him earlier on. But it now it looks as if they might be getting back together.

  Her ex had said he’d wanted to talk and she’d agreed. How foolish of me to fall for a woman of such weak resolve.

  I haven’t fallen for her, I remind myself, as I climb higher on the boulder, my foot secure in its hold while my hand grabs the next rock. I never fall.

  I’d tried to put off making any decisions, but I know that doing so was a decision in and of itself. And a bad one too. So when I saw that Madilyn was again becoming entangled with her ex, I did what I’d been putting off but had known for a while now I’d needed to do.

  I’d let Janice know that I was shuffling the mentors and needed her help. I knew she’d want to take on Madilyn because she had complained that Madilyn lacked work.

  I’m sure she was dying for the chance to warn Madilyn away from me, although she didn’t know it was already a moot point. But I won’t go out of my way to save her any time or breath. Janice is a save-the-world type person. And she has always been jealous that I picked a different associate to mentor when she was new here.

  I also knew that there was no love lost between Janice and her current mentee, Mandy Calderon. So even if Janice would have turned out to be reluctant to switch, she would have done it anyway.

  Janice might act like she fucking hates me, but she always ends up doing what I tell her to anyway. Just like everyone else at the firm does. They all have to do what I say but Janice has always wanted me. That much is fucking obvious.

  As I reach the top of the boulder and swing my legs over it, I reapply my climbing chalk from the bag hooked onto the harness around my waist and then wipe some sweat from my brow. I feel the familiar twinge of satisfaction in my muscles that comes with having completed a climb. And the anticipation I always feel at the thought of climbing back down.

  But I’m still more restless than usual. I remove my water bottle from the carabiner attached to my harness and gulp down the water while I reassess the situation.

  I’m mad at myself for only temporarily, instead of permanently, reassigning Madilyn to Janice. Why did I leave that door open instead of slamming it permanently closed?

  Madilyn is too dominant of a personality to be my mentee. Obviously, if I give her an inch, she’ll want to take a fucking mile.

  So why did I even leave open the possibility of giving her a millimeter? Why do I have such a soft spot for her?

  You don’t, I tell mys
elf, as I take a deep breath and then begin climbing back down the boulder.

  If I think it, I can do it.

  This is another motto that has served me well, during many trips on distant mountain climbing expeditions as well as in my personal and professional life. It has seen me through cases I thought for sure I would lose but ended up winning. And it helped me gather the strength to leave my miserable marriage and to change what I knew was wrong with me that had allowed me to put up with mistreatment for so long in the first place.

  I’m never the vulnerable one. I’m always in the position of power. I make the decisions, and the rules.

  And I’m not about to change that for Madilyn St. Clair, no matter how much I’m tempted to make a fucking exception.

  Chapter 25 – Madilyn

  THREE DAYS LATER

  I’m summarizing a deposition in an oil and gas case for Janice, when the doorbell rings. Startled, I look at the clock and wonder how it already got to be so late.

  I hurry to tidy up my case files so that there’s room at the table. This work is rather boring and a paralegal could do it. I long to be back on the cases that Asher had assigned me.

  Janice is local counsel for a large gas company. That means she’s lowest on the pecking order and has to do a lot of busywork, which she assigns to associates like Kim and me. But Asher’s clients pay big money for him to represent them, and he does the important things in all of their commercial litigation cases.

  How could I have ruined such an exciting personal and professional opportunity to work with Asher? I wonder, as I stand up to get the door.

  All I had to do was wear the fucking outfit.

  And who knows what else after that.

  But that’s the exciting part.

  It feels strange to open the door to Jimmy, who used to live here and who would always just walk right in. We’d set up a time this evening to meet and talk, although I’m beginning to realize it wasn’t the best idea.

  In fact, I’ve known that all along but I just started to feel bad. And bored. Very bored.