Pain rammed into my heart with the force of a freight train. I’d known this was going to end badly. I just hadn’t been prepared for how much it was going to hurt. Having Kole look at me, talk to me like that, was like taking a punch right in the chest.
But it was the hurt and pain in Elyse’s eyes that fucking broke me.
So I didn’t argue with Kole, or beg and plead with Elyse. I’d done what I’d come here to do, and now I had to leave. Even if I was leaving the biggest pieces of my heart and soul behind, leaving both of the most important people in my life behind.
More than that, leaving the two people I loved most on this planet behind.
Chapter 36
Elyse
“Are you fucking kidding me, Elyse?” Kole spat, marching from one side of the room to the other with both of his hands tugging at his hair. “Jordan? Really? How could you? How could you fuck him and lie to my face every goddamn day when all I’ve ever done was look out for you?”
“I didn’t get involved with him to get back at you for something.” I frowned and tried to move across the room to him, but he sliced his hand through the air in front of him to stop me.
“After everything I’ve done for you, you turn around and fuck my best friend. The one person I could count on while the whole world was counting on me. How the fuck could you do that to me?”
“I didn’t do anything to you, Kole,” I argued, even though the crack of tears threatening to break his voice was killing me. “I fell in love, first with a boy who felt like he truly was my other half, and then with a man who still felt that way. What happened between us has nothing to do with you. I’m sorry we hurt you and I never meant to take anyone away from you, but you can’t seriously think that either of us did this to you on purpose.”
“You didn’t do it on purpose?” He stopped his pacing to glare at me. “So what happened? You tripped and he fell with his dick right in you?”
He snorted and yanked on the ends of his hair again, breaking off his glare to turn around and not look at me at all. “Whether or not you meant to hurt me, you knew all the time that you were doing exactly that. Both of you. That right there? That’s called purpose. Intent.”
“Neither of us wanted to hurt you, Kole. It’s why we didn’t tell you much earlier. We didn’t plan on falling in love then or now. We certainly never planned on getting back together as adults. I didn’t even know Jordan was here with you until after I moved here. None of this was planned.”
“You really didn’t know he was here?” he asked, still not looking at me.
“I had no idea,” I promised, taking a step closer to him.
His shoulders rose and fell, but he didn’t turn around. “Well, then I guess at least not everything was a fucking lie.”
“Of course, everything wasn’t a lie. I love you. You’re my big brother. I moved here to be closer to you. I just didn’t realize that I’d be moving closer to Jordan, too. Even when I found out, I didn’t plan on getting involved with him again. It just happened. It’s like we’re two puppets on the same string. There’s no controlling it.”
“I did not need to know that you two can’t control yourself around each other,” he growled, resuming his pacing without looking at me. “Jesus. This is a fuck up. I need to wash my ears out with bleach after this. Why the fuck, out of all the men in the goddamn world, did you have to date Jordan?”
“You really want to know?” I asked, and even though Kole’s lips pressed into a thin line, he nodded.
“Because he’s it for me, Kole.”
He cursed under his breath.
“What I feel for Jordan, what I feel when I’m around him, I’ve never felt anything even remotely like it, and trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve never gotten serious with anyone because I figured that in order for it to be worth it, I had to feel at least a little of what I used to feel around Jordan but I never got even a hint of that feeling.”
“How did this even start? You were just a kid before we left. Now you’re telling me about all these feelings you had for him and that he’s been the yardstick you’ve measured every other guy to? What the fuck did he do to brainwash you back then?”
“He didn’t brainwash me. It started because he was always there for me.” It sounded simple, but it was true. “Jordan was there for me in a way no one else was, and I don’t mean that sexually so don’t turn my words around again. He listened to me when no one else did. When everyone else was always too busy with everything else, he made me feel like I was worth being listened to.”
“Of course, you were worth being listened to,” he sneered. “Any guy could have listened to you. It didn’t have to be Jordan.”
“For me, it always did have to be Jordan. That’s what you’re not hearing in what I’m trying to tell you, in what he was trying to tell you. The way things are with the two of us, the way we are together? We’re inevitable. There’s no fighting it. It was never about hurting you or each other. It was never about fucking and it was never about it being a forbidden relationship.”
“What was it about, then?” he asked. “Because from where I’m standing, it sounds and feels like that’s exactly what it’s about. Jordan saw the one pretty girl he couldn’t have and he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants after that.”
I scoffed. “Is that really what you think? After all the years you’ve known him and after everything you’ve been through, you honestly think he’d have risked his friendship with you for that?”
“I don’t know what to think right now.” He dragged his hands through his hair again, then pinched the bridge of his nose and finally looked at me. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Is this what you were also coming over here to talk to me about? How you’ve been fucking my best friend?”
“No.” My heart clenched, the pain in it so bad it felt like it was burning a hole through my chest. “I came here to talk to you about the possibility of me moving back to California.”
He stiffened, shock brightening his eyes before they quickly took on a hard glint I didn’t like. “Because of Jordan?”
I nodded. “I broke things off between us, but I still love him. Despite the fact that I moved here to be closer to you and not him, I can’t be this close to him right now.”
“So I’m losing you because of him after all. After I’ve lost him, too.” He huffed out a breath, his head shaking from side to side.
“No, you’re losing me because of me. And because of you. I’m the one thinking about going back because I’m not strong enough to be so close to him but not be with him. I wouldn’t be able to stand seeing him moving on and building a life with someone else.”
My throat felt like it was closing just because I was saying the words. I didn’t even want to think about how bad it would be to actually watch it happen. “I’m also thinking about going back because of you. When I made the decision to move here, I knew how protective you were going to be. I knew it was going to be hard to adjust to it after essentially being on my own for so long. I never thought I’d tell you that I loved someone, that I found someone who made me happier than I’ve ever been and that you’d be the reason I had to break my own heart. And his.”
“How am I the reason you had to break your heart? All you’ve done is break mine.”
“And mine and Jordan’s. We’re all heartbroken, Kole. Maybe it’s for different reasons but that doesn’t mean your pain is any less than mine. I’ve loved Jordan for a long time, and maybe if you could understand that, I’d have been able to stay to try to find a way to fix all this heartbreak going around. But I don’t think there is, so I can’t stay.”
“At this point, it’s probably better that you’re leaving anyway,” he said, the words yet another blow to the inferno of pain raging inside of me. I’d come here to discuss the possibility of moving back with him. Now the tone he used was practically like he was ordering me to go.
“Yeah. Probably.” I felt like my body was about to split in two, the weight of
my emotions too much to keep it all inside. “I’m sorry for all the destruction I’m leaving in my path, Kole. I truly never meant for any of this happen. All I wanted was to be close to you, to build a new life with my family.”
“Now you’ve wrecked it instead. I’ve lost my best friend and you’re on the first flight back to Cali. It’s great, isn’t it? Just fucking great. Don’t I get a say in any of this? You two are so inevitable and in love with each other that you get to just tear other people’s worlds apart? How is that fair?”
“I don’t have to go, Kole. I can stay. I just feel like it’s better if I don’t and you just said the exact same thing.”
“Because it is better if you don’t stay. I just feel like I’m losing everything because of you two.” He couldn’t keep the crack of emotion out of his voice and it became choked. “I’m the one who has to lose the only two people in this fucking world he calls family. You get to hop on a jet and leave all the devastation behind to go back to your chosen family. Jordan gets to keep laughing behind my back about how he managed to fool me for so many years and do whatever the fuck it is he’s going to do now.”
“No one is laughing behind your back,” I said firmly. “Trust me. This was the most difficult thing Jordan’s ever had to do. He was terrified of losing you, Kole. He always has been.”
“Obviously, he wasn’t terrified enough.”
“Would you rather that we kept this hidden from you forever?”
“I’d rather have never had it happen,” he snapped. “Now you’re leaving because of him. Everything is ruined because of him.”
“It’s not just because of him, Kole. It’s because of all three of us, but look, I don’t have to go. I actually came over here to talk about going, not to tell you that I already was. I can still stay if you want me to. Maybe we can find a way to figure this out.”
“No, we can’t,” he said, and I’d never heard my have-it-all-together-all-the-time brother sound so defeated. “Book your flight, Elyse. It’s over. It’s all fucking over.”
What remained of my heart exploded into a million pieces. I was blown to smithereens. Jordan had tossed me out of his house and now Kole was tossing me off the damn island. “Fine. I’ll come drop off the Jeep before I leave.”
Kole didn’t say anything else and neither did I. With one last pleading look at my brother, I turned to leave. Clearly, he didn’t understand and he didn’t want to.
There was a silver lining to all of it, though. Kole knew the truth now. Jordan had gone to him of his own accord, without me even knowing he was planning on doing it, and he’d come clean. I was proud of him for that.
Proud of him and wondering about everything that both Alice and Jordan had said. After hearing the impassioned way he had spoken about me to my brother and hearing him say that he loved me, I had a feeling that I had been wrong before. If I had been, I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and I had no idea how to fix it—or if I even could.
Chapter 37
Jordan
Someone was pounding at my door. I sighed, looking down at the holey boxers I had on where I lay spread out on my couch. I’d taken the day off and I hadn’t left my house since I’d gotten back to it after the fiasco at Kole’s yesterday.
Frankly, I hadn’t even moved very far from my couch. I’d ordered in a bottle of rum and had gotten myself thoroughly acquainted with it before passing out in front of the TV last night. The worst part of all was that it hadn’t even been on. Nor had any of my lights.
I’d just sat there in the dark, drowning my sorrows and trying to dull the ache in my chest. It had worked but only temporarily.
This morning, my head hurt almost as much as my heart, and the void I’d been trying to fill with the alcohol was bigger than ever. It was day one after my own personal apocalypse and I had no idea what to do with myself now.
What did people do when their world—
Another knock. Louder this time.
Fuck. I’d hoped whoever was out there had left. There wasn’t a single person in the world I felt like seeing or talking to right now, or at least not anyone who would actually be at my door to see me.
It wasn’t like Elyse or Kole were ever going to come calling again and they were the only people I was interested in. When the next knock turned into continuous banging, I cursed and hauled my hungover, heartbroken self to the door.
“What the f—” The question died on my lips when I yanked the door open to reveal Elyse, her fist still raised and her cheeks flushed.
“There you are. I was getting worried out here. I saw your Jeep, so I knew you were home, but when you didn’t answer, I thought something was wrong.”
“There is something wrong. Actually, everything is wrong, except for the fact that you’re here. Which begs the question, what are you doing here? I thought everyone in Camp Dennis hated me now.”
“I could never hate you,” she said quietly. Then a spark of humor lit those beautiful blue eyes of hers. “Camp Kole, on the other hand, isn’t feeling very kindly toward either of us right now.”
“How about you? How are you feeling right now?”
She took a small step forward. “Can I tell you inside? Or would you like me to spill my guts all over your porch?”
Despite the fact that I’d been sure it would never happen again, I laughed. It hurt my cheeks, feeling unfamiliar after the events of the last day and a half.
Stepping aside, I motioned for her to come inside. “You definitely don’t have to spill any guts on the porch. Fair warning though, it stinks in here. There was rum and I haven’t cleaned up.”
“Don’t worry. There was tequila at my place and I didn’t either.” Her nose wrinkled when she walked past me, her eyes dropping pointedly to my groin. “At least I’ve showered, though. I’m also wearing underwear with no holes in them.”
“Can I see?” I closed the door and followed after her like the lovesick puppy I was.
She shot me a look over her shoulder and rolled her eyes. “I think we need to talk first, don’t you?”
“Talk about what?” I asked. “Last I checked, there was nothing left for us to talk about.”
“That’s what I was hoping to talk about,” she said, her voice soft and her eyes filled with a kind of vulnerability I’d never seen from her before. “I was wrong, Jordan. I know I can’t take back anything that I did or said, but I wanted to apologize. I don’t expect you to take me back, but I needed to tell you how sorry I was before I leave.”
“Leave?” My eyebrows rose and my heart gave a painful squeeze. “Where are you going?”
“Back to California.”
“Why?” A frown pulled my eyebrows together and my head wouldn’t stop shaking. “Don’t do that. Please, I’m begging you. Just stay. Don’t leave because of me.”
“I’m not.” She rocked her head from one side to the other. “Well, not only because of you. Kole and I are both to blame too.”
I took a step closer to her, and when she didn’t stop me, I closed the distance between us. When I stopped right in front of her, she put her hands up to my chest and shoved me a foot away. My battered heart dropped before I realized she was smirking.
“At least now I finally know that you can smell bad. Go have a shower, Jordan. And for God’s sake, brush your teeth. I’ll be here when you’re done and we can talk then.”
My eyes held hers. “Promise you won’t leave while I’m getting cleaned up?”
She offered me a dainty pinky finger. “I swear I will be right here. Maybe not right here, because I want coffee. I’ll be in the kitchen.”
I wound my finger around hers, feeling the spark between us even from only that small amount of contact. Fuck. I was going to miss her so much. It wasn’t like this with anyone else. There was no one else in the world capable of lighting up my very soul just by giving my smallest finger a shake.
“I’ll be right back,” I said, dropping her hand before I held on so long it got weird.
Elyse nodded and jerked her head toward the kitchen. “You know where I’ll be.”
I gave her a nod of my own, my gaze catching on her plump lips before I turned and headed for the shower. How I wished I could have kissed those lips one last time. If I’d have known that last night she’d stayed over here that it would be the last time I got to kiss her, I never would have stopped.
Our lips would have been fused together by now and that would have been just fucking fine with me because then I wouldn’t ever have to let her go. A pained groan spilled into the steamy shower cubicle when I just thought about having to let her go. I knew I had to do it, considering that she’d broken up with me and all, but I didn’t know how I was going to do it.
By the time I had raced through what had to have been the quickest yet most thorough shower known to man and dressed in something other than a pair of holey underwear, the smell of freshly brewed coffee had reached my bedroom.
Which means she kept her word. She’s still here. I practically ran to the kitchen to get back to her. Every second I got to spend with her mattered now. They always had, but now that I knew I would soon have no more, it felt more vital than ever not to waste any time with her.
She’d already fixed me a cup of coffee and handed it over when I walked in to join her. “Here. Thought you might need it as much as I do.”
“I do, thanks.” I led her to the living room, having to force myself not to sit on the couch next to her. I couldn’t be that close to her, not when I was never allowed to touch her again.
Taking a seat in one of my armchairs, I set my coffee down and took a deep breath. “You said you wanted to talk. There are some things I want to say to you too, but ladies first.”
“Thank you,” she said, holding her cup at the bottom with one hand folded beneath the other. “Thanks for even letting me in the door actually.”
Have Your Way With Me Page 23
