The Girl in the Attic

by Wendy Reakes

  She walked away from them then, to sob silently on her own on the terrace outside the attic.

  Chapter 36

  RAIN

  It was dark when the carriage pulled up outside the front of the house. Rain was watching from way above, stretching her body as far as she could over the balustrade surrounding the roof terrace. She knew the time Porter had been told to meet him from the station, so she’d been vigilant ever since. But, now, as soon as Edward stepped out of the carriage, her view was minimal. Her disappointment was matched by her inability to forget him for her mother’s sake. Yet, her solemn duty was to withdraw from his affections, lest she endangered the two women she loved.

  Rain had no way of knowing how she was to accomplish such a task; to change her feelings, to stop dreaming and fantasizing about a life with him. All she could do was lose herself in her painting, to spend her passion on the canvas in driven strokes of the brush.

  The very next day, that’s what she did.

  It was a heavenly crisp, white day on the terrace outside the attic. The light was sublime for what she required it and even though she still had to wear an overcoat to keep off the chill, she still had strength and freedom to vent her emotions over the canvas.

  Rain had told her mother not to disturb her. She was going to paint all day long, if the weather permitted.

  She had tried with all her might, to forget that the man she loved was in the house below her feet, but it was all she could do, to refrain from racing through the forest of furniture to the attic door where she would fly down the stairs and into his arms. Silly! She knew that. Nevertheless, it would have been wondrous to do as she desired.

  When she began with that first stroke of the brush, the line was black, then grey, blended with a mixture of white and red, gone hard and then thinned. It was her favourite medium. It allowed her paintings to look three dimensional. ‘Spectacular’ her mother called them. Over the lines, she added only a thin, soft pale blue which darkened as it mingled with the grey and the black. Her hand shifted over the canvas with uneven dabs, pressing the paint into the weave, making it almost disintegrate within the fibres of the fabric.

  Edward’s face came into her head without invitation. He was simply always there and now he was guiding her hand, holding the brush at her side, breaking the boundaries of their passion for each other along a vivid, almost colourless landscape. Behind strokes of grey and blue, she positioned a sun, red setting, veiled by mist and clouds which prevented it from appearing no matter how hard it tried to force its way in. On the horizon, darkness threatened to overcome the image, forcing her to take over the image by destroying the beauty in its path.

  When the door opened, Rain was breathless.

  Michael and Marley appearedtogether from the attic. They seemed like a couple, yet they really weren’t. Not yet.

  ‘Mama,’ Rain signed with her hands stained with dried paint. ‘I would like to continue while the light is good.’

  Marley nodded. “We have something to tell you, dearest.”

  ‘What is it?’

  Marley paused as if she was unwilling to say the words she was forced to say. “Michael has offered to take you from here…to his home…as his niece…you see?”

  Rain put down her palette. ‘What do you mean?’

  Porter bowed his head as Marley spoke. “We’ve come up with a plan…a story…so that, if it is appropriate, Master Edward can court you…properly.”

  ‘Mama…’ Rain was aghast. ‘How?’

  Then Porter spoke. “Last night I had occasion to speak to the master…on our way back from the train station. He begged me to allow him to see you, even if it meant going over to Taunton while he was on leave.”

  He paused to witness her reaction, but she just stood there in stunned silence. She didn’t know what to say.

  “He said, if I would just give him the location of your family home so that he can ask you why you hadn’t responded to his letters...He said, even if I didn’t give him your address, freely, he would use all the means available to him, to find you and beg for your hand.”

  Rain gasped. Edward loved her. ‘Oh, mama,’ Rain cried.

  Marley was watching her, waiting to see how the scene played out. Rain could tell she was forcing back her tears…of joy, or misery? Rain wasn’t sure.

  “Porter will come for you, very early in the morning. He will take you to his lodgings where you will wait until he can inform master Edward of your arrival. He will tell the master that you have come to visit, as your mother in Taunton (Michael’s sister), has sent you to spend time with him, to help him around the house…He will make out his leg is playing him up…”

  Porter nodded. “It’s the simplest story we could come up with. We are trying to keep it uncomplicated, for fear of being caught out.”

  Rain nodded glumly. ‘So many lies,’ she signed.

  Sternly, Marley said, “It’s the only way. We are too vulnerable.”

  ‘But you can come, mother, and we can go to Michael’s new house in the far field. That would be better, surely.’

  Porter shook his head. “The house is not ready. I can’t take your mother there yet. Not until the new year when it will be made comfortable enough for her to move in. It’s the roof, you see…and there’s no water yet.”

  Marley nodded her understanding of Michael’s dilemma. They had discussed it often, ever since he had proposed. Porter spoke directly to Rain. “We could wait…but I understand Master Edward could be sent back from leave before we reach that point.”

  Rain’s head was spinning. Could it be true? Could she be seeing Edward, in the morning? It was too wonderful to realise. ‘I have no proper clothes.’

  “Celia will see to that. She’ll provide you with a day dress.”

  Rain turned to look at her half-finished painting. ‘Is all of this really happening?’ she signed.

  Marley stepped towards her and swung her about. “Listen to me, Rain. There’s only so much we can do, in the circumstances. Edward is in a precarious position, marrying a girl with no name. We don’t even know if the mistress will allow such a match. She may reject the idea out of hand and advise Edward to marry someone with title…do you see? The rest is out of our hands.”

  Rain couldn’t sleep the whole night. Nor could her mother. At four in the morning, when the household was asleep, Michael came to fetch her. She would only be gone a short while, just until she saw Edward, but to leave her mother alone in the attic tore at her heart.

  Before she left, Marely had taken her hand. “This could be the start of a new life for you, my darling. I want you to embrace the change because how could you stay the rest of your life living in this drafty old attic?” Marley spoke as if she was convincing herself of the fact.

  “It’s alright, mama. It’s in God’s hands now.”

  Rain followed Porter through the forest of furniture, the route she knew so well. All the while she thought about her mother, how brave she was, how unselfish. Then Rain vowed, that whatever happened to her in the future, if she was to live a new life, downstairs, in the open, below the attic, she would find a way for her mother to be happy too.

  Chapter 37

  Rain was Now Married.Good Lord above! Celia and I stood side by side, her hand resting upon my waist behind me. We were staring out of the window of Celia’s own room, to the drive at the front of the house, where soon, my girl, a woman now, would ride with her new husband, in an automobile, a horseless -but not noiseless- carriage. Good Lord above! “Will she be happy?” My voice was but a whisper. I had asked the question, without really expecting an answer.

  Celia pressed against the small of my back. “Yes. She will be very happy!”

  “That might be dangerous.”

  “Marley.” Celia snatched her hand away and swung about to look at me so that her back was to the window. “Happiness is good. Happiness is a healthy thing, especially for a girl like Rain. It’s what she deserves.”

  “Uhmm,” I snar
led without meaning to. “I was happy once. Remember? Before that black-haired lout took my life away.”

  “He didn’t take it away.”

  The comment came out of the blue. The words were strange coming from her. What was she saying? What did Celia mean? I forced my eyes from the view outside, fearing I’d miss seeing Rain and her husband drive towards the gates. How I wish I could see the front door. To watch her leave, wearing her beautiful new dress and matching bonnet. My curious expression landed on Celia’s face like a rough woollen scarf scratching the surface of her skin.

  “You took it, Marley.” Celia defied my look of innocence and stood up to me, as she had stood up to me many times lately. “You made your life this way, not he.” I could tell her anger was rising; stirring like a boiling pot in the pit of her stomach, rising to extinguish in her flushed cheeks.

  “How can you of all people, say that to me?” My words spat from my mouth as if I were a hissing snake with fangs bared, intent on killing its prey. “You know what he did to me all those years ago. You know.”

  “You aren’t the only girl to be defiled so brutally. There are surely hundreds of girls across the land being treated as if they have no choice in what happens to their bodies…But they are not all victims. Not all have allowed their attackers to rule over their lives…most of them…the stronger ones…have surely moved on and made their own history…” Celia’s words, cutting as they were, came in short bursts, the pauses before each statement serving as a slap across my cheek. “They wouldn’t allow their darkest thoughts to devour them…to possess them, like they were once possessed.” She looked back to the window where we stood like intruders looking upon a world which wasn’t ours to witness. Her eyes went skyward to the celling, where above, my parlour served as a constant reminder of my isolated life. “Living like this was a mistake. A mistake that has lasted too long, Marley.”

  “Perhaps you should have told me that a long time ago, Celia. Perhaps now it’s too late for recriminations.” I was challenging her comments, but if I were honest, deep down, I knew she was right. Hurtful as it was.

  “It’s not too late.” She sat down upon her bed as if she had given up the notion of the marriage car leaving the front of the house to go along the drive. “I think….no, I know, it’s time for you to leave. Today must be the end of this life. You must start another. Begin a new chapter, Marley.” Her eyes were pleading now, changing from the urge to be direct, to suddenly questioning the words she had spoken so harshly.

  A noise struck the gravel of the drive outside. We both swung about, for a moment forgoing the words between us, to concentrate on watching Rain in the open automobile. There she was, looking exquisite in blue; her hat held down with one graceful hand as she looked upwards to the two most important women in her life. When she released her husband’s hand and raised her arm to wave, already I ached for her. Already, I wished she was back in the attic as a little girl, resting her head in my lap while I read to her day after day.

  I lifted my fingers to my lips and pressed the kiss against the glass in the window.

  Now she was looking forward to the road ahead as rose petals flew in the air, in the wake of the newlyweds and their strange horseless carriage.

  I went upstairs beforeany household servants came back to their quarters. Celia had already left me, claiming the need to finish some chores. The words she’d uttered while we’d waited for Rain were still echoing in my head, stinging my conscience like needles and pins.

  Then, behind me, I heard his steps strike the floorboards until he was standing above the worn Persian carpet in my parlour. I turned to gaze at his handsome face and I felt a sudden joy. The man who I could now love freely, in a normal way, had come to take me home. His home.

  “She’s gone, Marley. The house is quiet. It’s time to come with me and leave this place forever.

  “Michael…”

  “The house is ready. It’s ours now. Yours and mine. We will live together as man and wife, as others do. It is time.” I could hardly hold back my tears.

  So much had happened.

  When Rain had left with Porter that morning -a month ago now, but it seemed longer- he had installed her in his lodgings while Celia had waited with her. Then after breakfast, he went to fetch Edward.

  By all accounts, Edward had kicked up his heals and ran outside, to the place where Rain had been waiting. When they saw each other, Celia told me she had to turn her face away, so vivid was the love and the passion in their eyes. Edward had proclaimed his undying love and Rain agreed to marry him on the spot. Edward’s mother, the mistress, had been livid. She had tried to deter him from making such a bad decision. A decision, which could cause scandalous waves through English society. He was unmoved. He was master now and he could do as he pleased and damn propriety. On the matter of Rain’s inability to speak, Edward had planned vocal lessons, a gift I could never have provided.

  Michael was holding my hand, towering over me in such a masterful way that I felt a bit taken-aback. Not since that night when the black-haired lout had forced himself so shamelessly upon me, had a man made me feel as if I was being threatened. But this was a new type of threat; forcing me from the home I’d known for seventeen years…and the memories.

  “The same preacher who married Rain will preside,” Michael said. “It will be a small affair, but tomorrow we will be wed, proper like.”

  He reached out to wipe my tears. I smiled a half smile. The rest of it I was to leave in the attic where I was most happy. “Very well, Michael. Yes, it is time.”

  He took my hand and we walked through the forest of furniture, where out of his sight, I ran my fingers across the wood of the dressers and broken chairs. I stroked them to offer a goodbye, to thank them for protecting us for all those years in the attic.

  The door had been left open. It was an unnatural sight, unfamiliar to me as running across a field of wild flowers. I almost faltered as I crossed the threshold, but Michael’s hand held mine tightly, offering his protection for whatever we faced ahead.

  Outside, the corridors were quiet. No servants rushed through its doors. No loud footsteps echoed around the walls. We walked past the door to the bathroom where I had once, seventeen years before, taken a solitary bath to rid myself of the evil brought unto me by the black-haired lout. I had hidden behind the door as Porter had entered, standing naked and wet, shaking like a flag in a blustery wind.

  Now, guided by him, I walked down the stairs to the bottom of the house, along the corridor past the kitchen, to the back door I had once entered seventeen years ago. Beyond the door, the sun was shining so bright, my eyes squinted as I passed from the gloom into the light.

  As the warm air hit my face, panic rose from the pit of my belly to the top of my head like a volcano with red hot lava about to erupt. I dragged on Michael’s hand, pulling him to a halt as I took one step backwards.

  A voice behind me said. “It’s alright, Marley. Take it slow.” Celia moved to be closer to me. she leaned into my shoulder and whispered. “I’m sorry for all the terrible things I said.”

  I looked to the ground. “No, you were right. I deserved the truth. I have been making excuses for too long.” Even though I said the words, a part of me defended my decision to remain in the attic for all those years. Anything could have happened in the real world. Rain could have been hurt, as I was hurt.

  “I am leaving now, Marley,” Celia said as Michael waited. “It is time for me to start a new life too.”

  “I wish you could have stayed. I would like you to be at my wedding. And the house will surely need caring for when Rain returns from her honeymoon. She will need you.”

  “The mistress won’t allow married couples, darling. I’ve told you…And I have to leave now, I cannot wait another day, for fear of losing my new post.”

  She handed me a posy of flowers. “Rain asked me to give this to you. It wasn’t her bouquet, as she was concerned about Edward asking her questions, but these are the
flowers which decorated the table at the wedding breakfast. She wanted you to have them for your wedding.”

  My heart broke as I raised them to my face to smell the experience of my daughter’s wedding. “Thank you,” I whispered.

  She stepped away from me. “Porter will take care of you now. You have nothing more to fear, I promise.” She held a folded piece of paper in her hand. “I wrote you a letter. It’s important, but I didn’t want you to know about it until you were wed and away from the attic.”

  “What is it?”

  She shook her head. “No matter now. Go with Michael. Have a happy life, dearest Marley.”

  “Will I see you soon?”

  She nodded repeatedly. “Of course. I will visit often.”

  But somehow, deep down I knew I’d never see my darling Celia again.

  The house was everything I could ask for. A stone construction with a pitched wooden roof like the one in my attic. But unlike the place I was used to living, the door had been left wide open to let clean air circulate.

  It was cool inside, despite the agar being fired up with a large kettle on it top boiling water for tea. In front of the cooking area, a grand table with six sturdy wooden chairs placed around it, held a vase of daisies. I ran my hand along the back of a chair. “Six?”

  He put his hand around my waist. “It’s not too late to make our own family, is it Marley?”

  My eyes rounded at the thought of the whole process. I was to be his wife. I was still young. It was time to make babies in the proper manner.

  “And Rain…she can visit us. It is only a short distance from the house.”

  I smiled and patted his arm. “I don’t think so. She is gentry now. She isn’t for the likes of us.”

  He took my hand and guided me to a room that held a large bed, covered in clean, white linen sheets with an eiderdown of quilted pale blue satin. At the side, on a small table with a lamp, was another display of daisies in a small ceramic jug, and there, in front of it was an empty gilt frame, waiting to be filled with a wedding photograph of my darling Rain.