Ballistic Kiss

by Richard Kadrey

  “That I’m being played and should figure out what kind of game it is before I get in too deep.”

  “Then maybe you should.”

  “Maybe I should.” I shake my head to clear it and say, “You ready to get out of here?”

  Flicker gives me a look like she feels a little sorry for me.

  “Come back to the Devil’s Door and relax for a while where there are people.”

  “What are you playing?”

  “Road Warrior and Zardoz.”

  “Let’s go.”

  I go over to Janet’s place early the next morning and they drag me straight into the bedroom, which isn’t a bad start to the day. The Zero Lodge picks us up in a blacked-out van around ten. Everyone else in the van is dressed in evening gowns and snappy suits. Janet looks great in a secondhand tux. I’m the only one in regular everyday clothes. Apparently, I’m expected to look like a headwaiter if I’m going to stick around with these people. This is getting better and better. But Janet holds my hand, chatting happily with the other Lodge members as they try to guess what today’s fun is going to be. Lava wrestling? Volleyball in a minefield? Maybe Manimal Mike taught them to play Billy Flinch but Dan and Juliette didn’t want brains splattered on the basement walls.

  After a couple of hours of driving, the chitchat has worn down to an occasional grumble, and even the Lodge hard core are getting restless. We finally stop around noon and pile out of the cattle car, straight into the desert.

  It has to be over a hundred degrees. We’re at the bottom of a dry canyon surrounded by dead and dying scrub and spindly trees that rise up from the dusty road where we’re parked and straight up the steep canyon walls. There doesn’t seem to be anything else in any direction.

  Dan and Juliette come out of the front of the van back here with us cows. Trash wizard Kenny gets out of a second identical van.

  Dan says, “I hope everyone had a good night’s sleep last night and a pleasant trip out from the city. Today’s excursion is going to be a real adventure. Juliette and I spent quite a lot of time setting it up.”

  “We sure did,” says Juliette, doing her best Jayne Mansfield impression. “I almost broke a nail.”

  The line gets some polite titters.

  She goes on, “You all look lovely today, except for our newest member, but I’m sure he’ll get the hang of things.”

  She smiles in my direction and I give her a nod because it would upset Janet if I gave her the finger.

  While she was talking, Dan hauled a plastic storage box from the back of the van and set it on the ground in the middle of the group.

  “Are you ready to see what’s inside?” he says. “It’s essential to today’s excursion.”

  A few of the old-timers yell, “Open it!” and whoop.

  Dan does it with a flourish like he’s going to reveal he stole the crown jewels. Instead, what’s inside the box is a lot of canteens, maps, and what look like oversized wristwatches.

  Fuck. It’s a nature hike. Flicker should be here. This is her scene. Not mine.

  Juliette tosses the first canteen and map to me and straps one of the watches on my wrist.

  Dan says, “Today’s adventure, boys and girls, is a kind of race, but not against each other. It’s against the forces of nature itself.”

  Juliette keeps handing out the gear, smooth as a Beverly Hills cobra.

  “You’ll be working in teams of two. One will have the map and one will have the canteen. It doesn’t matter which of you wears the timer. But you don’t want to lose it because the timer is the most important piece of equipment you’ll have.”

  When she’s done handing out gear, Juliette says, “The excursion is simple. There’s a route drawn on each of your maps. That’s how you’ll climb from where we are now to the top of the canyon. The canteen is, well, your canteen. Don’t use it up too quickly because it’s a long way to the top.”

  “As for the timer,” Dan says, “a hike up a hill didn’t really seem like quite enough of a challenge—until we found this particular canyon. You see, there’s going to be a controlled burn here later today. You see all the brush and trees? By tonight they’ll all be ash. And that’s where your timer comes in.”

  Juliette says, “It goes off when the burn starts. If you’re not at the top by then, you’re going to want to shake a leg or get cooked like a Christmas goose.”

  “There’s a prize for the first couple out and, I’m afraid, a penalty for the last. One final little challenge. Right, Ken?”

  The trash wizard doesn’t say anything. He just holds up a doctor’s bag that could contain anything from a ham sandwich to a nuke.

  Dan gives us all a grin.

  “Does everybody understand the rules? Remember, you have to stick to the route on your map. There’s also a penalty for any couple that uses another couple’s route.”

  Juliette raises a start pistol over her head.

  “You better have the idea by now, kids, because three, two, one . . . Go!” she yells, and fires the gun. Ten couples sprint away in ten different directions like lambs off to slaughter.

  I walk in the direction of our route until Janet grabs my hand and pulls me.

  “Come on,” they say. “It’s a race. If we’re first we’ll win the prize.”

  I pull her back a little.

  “Calm down. This isn’t running weather. It’s got to be over a hundred.”

  From behind us Juliette yells, “A hundred and fifteen.”

  Janet waves to her.

  “We’re fine,” they say, but still pull me in a slow trot.

  I have the map, so when we come to the bottom of the hill I take the lead on the trail. I have to admit I’m surprised at first. The climb isn’t that bad and unless the fire is going to start in the next hour or so, we should make it out of the canyon in plenty of time. Janet comes up beside me and snatches the map out of my hands.

  “Hurry up, Grandpa. I want that prize.”

  They run up the trail and I lope along behind them.

  When it’s 115 degrees out, enthusiasm will only take you so far before reality sets in. After an hour of walking, the trail becomes more difficult. The ground is all loose gravel and stones. There’s nothing you can do but trudge through stuff like that, a step at a time. Each misstep sends you sliding back down the trail a few yards so that you have to climb the same damn ground again. Over and over. Finally Janet gives in and says, “I have to stop a minute.”

  I took off my coat a half hour ago, so I’m happy for a break. They hand me back the map and take a swig from the canteen.

  “Fuck!” Janet yells, and spits out a mouthful of water.

  I take the canteen and smell it.

  “Salt water.”

  “What a shitty thing to do,” they say.

  “Dan and Juliette let a guy get eaten by a tiger and you’re surprised they spiked the water?”

  “When you put it that way, I guess not.”

  “You know, I could make it good water. It’s easy hoodoo.”

  Janet snatches back the canteen and puts the top back on.

  “Absolutely not. No tricks today. We do this like everybody else. Promise me.”

  I look around, less than not at all happy with the situation.

  “Promise me.”

  I turn to them.

  “Fine. No tricks. No hoodoo. No rabbits out of the hat.”

  “Thank you.”

  “We should get going. We still have a ways to go.”

  Janet spits out one last mouthful of salt and we head back up the trail.

  A few minutes later, they point past me.

  “Are those coyotes following us?”

  I look and they’re right. On the other side of the scrub, four coyotes lope along beside us.

  I say, “Don’t worry about them. They’re not going to bother us.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I mean, if we die they’ll eat us in a hot second. So my plan is not to die. Is that your plan,
too?”

  They smile.

  “That’s my plan.”

  We keep climbing. I hate the situation, but it’s even worse for Janet. They’re wearing high heels. They tried taking them off a couple of times, but the heat coming off 115-degree rocks was worse on their feet than the shoes, so they had to keep them on. I can tell they’re in a lot of pain and still distracted by the coyotes because they don’t even notice when their foot comes down just a few inches from a sidewinder ducking under a rock. I pull them away, but the damn snake gets their ankle. They scream, but I pull them up the hill a few yards to get clear of the snake.

  When I lay them down, their ankle is already swelling.

  “It burns,” Janet gasps.

  I pull their shoe off and look at the wound.

  “It’s not as bad as it could be. It didn’t get its fangs in too deep. Let me fix this. I know some easy hoodoo.”

  Janet grabs my shoulder and squeezes hard.

  “No tricks. No tricks.”

  “You could lose the damn leg or even die.”

  “Then help me.”

  I set my coat next to them and give them the sleeve.

  “Here, bite down on that. This is going to hurt.”

  I get the black blade from my boot and cut the wound open more. Janet screams into the coat as blood gushes out. I squeeze the wound to get out as much of the venom as possible. Finally, I lean over and suck out blood from the wound, spitting it out fast. Even so, my lips tingle with poison. I have no idea if what I’m doing is helping. I’ve just seen it in a hundred Westerns and I can’t use hoodoo, so it’s better than nothing.

  In a few minutes, the swelling seems to have stopped. I cut one of the sleeves off my shirt and tie it around their leg to stop the bleeding. Janet is still and ice white. Their pupils are pinpoints in the sun.

  I help them up into a sitting position.

  “Do you think you can hold yourself up on your good leg?”

  Janet looks at me, bleary.

  “I’ll try.”

  I get them upright, but the moment they try to stand, they collapse again.

  I look up the hill. The top isn’t that far away, but on this shitty ground, even on two feet, it would take forever.

  On my wrist, the timer pings. A minute or so later, a plume of black smoke climbs into the air on the other side of the canyon.

  I pull Janet into a sitting position again.

  “We have to go,” I tell them. “I’m going to get you out of here.”

  They put their hand on my cheek.

  “No tricks.”

  Goddammit.

  “Fine. But this isn’t going to be fun for anyone.”

  I get them up and carry them in my arms like Tor Johnson carried poor Mona McKinnon in Plan 9 from Outer Space.

  The hill gets steeper and the gravel looser as we climb. It takes another hour to reach the top. We’re breathing in lungfuls of black smoke by then. I’m sweating like a pig doing the Tour de France and stagger the last few yards on trembling legs. By now, I don’t even know what kind of shape Janet is in.

  To their credit, asshole Dan and Juliette come running when they see us. I set Janet on the ground and grab Dan by his stupid lapels.

  “Rattlesnake. Tell me you have antivenin.”

  Juliette is already kneeling by Janet, a medical kit open on the ground.

  Dan pats my arm.

  “It’s going to be all right. Juliette knows what to do.”

  When I check, Juliette is giving Janet an injection. That done, she takes off my shitty tourniquet and examines the wound.

  “See?” says Dan. “My angel has nurse training, just for moments like this.”

  I let go of him.

  “Okay, but if she loses that leg, I’m taking one of yours.”

  Dan just smiles.

  “I believe they is the correct pronoun in this case. Not she. You’re going to want to work on that before they’re back on their feet.”

  Shit. Not only did I call Janet the wrong thing, but I got told off by the ringmaster of this psycho circus. He’s going to have a chuckle with Juliette about that. I go back and kneel down next to Janet.

  Juliette says, “Think you can carry them like a person for a minute and not a sack of potatoes?”

  “Where do you want them?”

  “I’ve turned on the air-conditioning in the van. Put them in there.”

  “We need to get them to a hospital.”

  “They’re stable for now and should rest.”

  “If you’re not going to take them, I will.”

  “You might want to speak to them first.”

  I carry Janet to the van and lay them down near the air-conditioning vent in the back. When they open their eyes I say, “I’m getting you to Allegra’s right now.”

  They put their hand onto my hand.

  “No tricks. You promised.”

  “Fuck that, you need a doctor.”

  “Dan and Juliette have a private clinic.”

  I push some hair from their face.

  “Does that mean you’ve been hurt before?”

  They pat my arm.

  “It’s okay. I’m feeling better. Let me rest.”

  I sit down next to them.

  “I wonder how Manimal Mike and Maria are doing.”

  “You should go check on them.”

  “I’m not leaving you alone.”

  “Ask Juliette. She’ll come and sit with me.”

  “I don’t trust her.”

  Janet shoves me weakly.

  “Go check on Mike and Maria. And, Stark?”

  “Yes?”

  “I mean it when I say no tricks. If you do anything, I won’t like you anymore and you’ll have to find a new donut shop.”

  I look outside. The wind has changed and smoke is blowing in this direction. The air stinks and the sky is giant swirls of jet black. I get out and tell Juliette that Janet wants her.

  She looks at me with something that might be sympathy or might be a suppressed laugh.

  “Of course, dear. I’ll take care of everything for you.”

  “They said you know a clinic.”

  “They’re waiting for us right now. We’ll be leaving soon.”

  She heads for the van and I walk around the Lodge members. It’s getting hard to breathe, but most of them seem to be back. I spot Mike and Maria at the top of a trail. Another couple is struggling to get up the last section of their climb. The woman’s hair is wild, blowing in the wind that’s pushing the smoke in our direction. She’s practically dragging her partner, a little guy whose jacket and shirt are in tatters.

  I grab Mike.

  “Are they the last ones?”

  Mike nods.

  “Yeah. I wouldn’t want to be them. Dan will be getting their penalty ready.”

  “He’s still going to do it? Look at them. They’re already half-dead.”

  Mike shakes his head.

  “I know.”

  He holds out a canteen.

  “We were the first ones up, so we got the prize. Fresh water. Want some?”

  “Can I give it to Janet?”

  “Of course,” says Maria. “I’ll take it to her.”

  “Thanks.”

  As the last couple struggles up the hill, Dan and Kenny lay down long mats on either side of the trailhead. They look like Astroturf. And they’re covered in razor blades. The way the two suckers below are crawling along the trail, there won’t be anything left of them to get out of the canyon. On top of that, flames are creeping quickly up the trail behind them. Razors or not, they don’t have any choice but to keep crawling or they’ll be burned alive. Lodge members are gathered around the trailhead screaming at them to move faster.

  I could make this whole thing stop right now. Just mutter a few words of Hellion and the fire is out. The razors are gone. But I made a promise. Should I save these fools and lose Janet? I stand there like a dunce, weighing everything against everything else. The couple s
truggling up the hill chose to be here, and as much trouble as they’re having, they’re staying well ahead of the fire. The only thing they have to get by now is the razors. If they have any brains, they can strip down and pile their clothes on top. Sure, they’ll get cut, but they won’t be hamburger when they get to the road.

  I look around. What the hell is wrong with these people? This is like Hell for halfwits. The ones who can’t tell the difference between a martini and a flaming poker up the ass.

  Then things get even worse.

  Dan and Kenny haul a live goddamn sheep from the second van to the top of the trail. It bleats once when it gets a face full of smoke but doesn’t bleat a second time, because trash wizard Kenny slits its throat. Even the lodge creeps lurch back at that. A couple of people throw up when Kenny disembowels the animal, leaving its belly open wide. Then junkyard Merlin pours a potion onto the entrails and whispers some dime-store hoodoo.

  A few seconds later the guts begin to quiver and coalesce into something. A pile of wet meat that pulls itself up onto something like legs and opens a pair of quivering jaws to show rows of shattered bones that have formed into sharp, broken teeth.

  Then the gut thing springs into the air, past the razor mats, and lands behind the crawling couple. It’s hard to see what’s happening through the choking smoke, but the screams tell everyone what they need to know. Through breaks in the darkness, it’s hard to see much more than a spreading wet redness on the trail. The screams don’t last too long and when the wind takes the smoke in another direction, all that’s visible down the hill is Kenny’s beast shoving gobs of someone else’s flesh into its crooked mouth.

  I told Janet no tricks, but it’s hard not to grab the Colt and put a few rounds into what passes for its head.

  The fire surrounds Kenny’s monster and moves up fast behind it. The thing crawls up the trail toward us, trying to keep ahead of the flames. That’s it then. Even if Janet hates me, if that thing makes it to the top, I’m killing it and will find somewhere else to get fritters.

  In the end, I don’t have to do anything.

  As the glop monster reaches the razor mats, Dan goes to the top of the trail with a Glock in his hand and pumps six shots dead center into the thing. It lets out a startled wail and instead of turning away, it actually crawls faster, practically eviscerating itself as it drags its leaking body over the razors. Dan shoots it a couple of more times, but that’s just icing on the cake.