Ballistic Kiss

by Richard Kadrey

  “True.”

  They swirl the ice in their glass.

  “You’re going to find whoever did this to her, right?”

  “Absolutely. And Abbot’s working on it too. I’m as mad about the situation as you, but for now, there’s nothing to do but wait and see what happens from here.”

  “It’s so unfair.”

  I lean against the wall and Janet leans against me.

  “Fair has nothing to do with it. You should know that. Was it fair that you were born with a lousy immune system? Fair doesn’t exist in this world. Just forget fair.”

  Janet looks sad.

  I say, “Sorry. I’m just in a bad mood.”

  “Because of the ghosts?”

  “Among other things.”

  We both know who I’m talking about. I wait for them to defend Dan and Juliette. Luckily, they don’t.

  “Poor Kenny,” they say.

  “Poor Kenny. Poor Charlie Karden. Poor whoever the hell those people were in the canyon or on the freeway. Is that really all there is to say about people getting killed for kicks?”

  Janet frowns.

  “You don’t understand. It could have been any one of us. It would have been me if you weren’t there. We signed up for this.”

  “That’s fucked up, even for L.A.”

  “I didn’t say I don’t feel anything. It’s just Lodge policy that mourning isn’t part of the ethos. So, yeah, poor Kenny.”

  “He should have stuck to the hoodoo he knew. The creep could have gotten everyone killed.”

  “Still. What happened to him. It . . .”

  “Wasn’t fair? You’re not not mourning too well. You’ve got too big a heart. You’re too sympathetic to lost dogs.”

  “Like you?”

  I bark and they hug me.

  I want to remind them of how many times they could have been killed and ask more about the Lodge Within the Lodge, but I can feel that this isn’t the right time.

  Allegra and Vidocq come in, followed by Candy and Alessa. Janet goes quiet, still nervous around the others. It’ll pass. I hope.

  With a full phalanx of L.A.’s most exotic, we muscle our way to the bar and clear an acre or so to drink. We’re on our second round when Brigitte arrives, all smiles and waving. Carlos has a cocktail waiting on the bar before she even reaches us.

  “You’re looking chipper tonight,” he says. “Did you get some good news?”

  Brigitte sips her drink a couple of times.

  “I’m going home to Prague,” she says.

  Candy goes over to her.

  “What happened?”

  Vidocq says, “So soon? Are the authorities forcing you out? There are things Stark and I can do to them that will make them change their minds.”

  Brigitte sips her drink.

  “No,” she says. “I’m leaving on my own. My lawyer said that if I leave voluntarily, I’ll have a better chance of being allowed to return.”

  “How long will you have to go?” says Allegra.

  Brigitte sets her empty glass on the bar.

  “Just a little while. Five years maybe.”

  Carlos curses quietly in Spanish and gives her another drink.

  She says, “You won’t forget about me, will you?” She smiles . . . and then breaks down crying.

  “It’s not fair,” says Janet, and gives me a “don’t you dare say a word” look.

  I say, “Brigitte, Abbot is still working on this. He’ll come through better than any by-the-hour lawyer.”

  She shakes her head.

  “My mind is made up. This is the safest way.”

  I don’t know anyone stronger than Brigitte. She’s been through so much in the last few years. She came here with nothing but a gun and some acting lessons. Had a few romances, more bad than good. She fell in love with Father Traven and then he died. She had a pretty successful cable action show and she’s losing that, too.

  “There’s no one at the studio who can help?” says Carlos. “You’re on TV. That’s better than being on money.”

  That makes her laugh a little, but her face soon turns red again. No one says anything. What’s there to say? It’s stupid and brutal. I want to find whoever ratted her out and introduce them to Kenny’s smoke squid.

  Candy pulls Brigitte to her and in a second they’re both crying.

  What a pathetic bunch we are. Between just me, Candy, and Vidocq, we could rip a big smoking hole in this city. But here we are now, bullied by Feds and unable to even protect one of our own.

  Janet has been nursing the same drink for the last twenty minutes. I really wish they’d get over their nervousness. They hand me their drink and walk to Brigitte.

  “Marry me,” Janet says.

  Everyone looks at them like they’re speaking Urdu.

  “What?” says Brigitte.

  Janet says it again. “Marry me.”

  Brigitte and Candy stare at them.

  “I’m serious,” they say. “You’ll be the spouse of an American citizen and they’ll have to let you stay.”

  Brigitte puts a hand on Janet’s arm.

  “That’s very kind of you, but why would you do that? We’ve barely met.”

  “Because I owe you my life,” they say. “When the Drifters were loose, you and Stark saved me. Now let me save you.”

  “It’s not a terrible idea,” says Allegra. “It should at least slow things down. I had a cousin in a green card marriage. They had to go through a lot of paperwork and a face-to-face with some snooty government bitch about where stuff is in the kitchen and each other’s families. But those are all things you can memorize.”

  Carlos leans on the bar and says, “Ray is a minister in one of those internet churches. He can marry you and you can have the reception right here.”

  Brigitte’s face is funny, caught somewhere between complete shock and vague relief.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say yes, dummy,” I tell her. “I’d marry you, but I think I’m still legally dead. I should probably check on that.”

  Brigitte looks at Janet for a minute, like she’s trying to figure out if the offer is legit.

  Janet says, “My dad’s a lawyer. He can help with the paperwork.”

  “Yes,” Brigitte blurts out. “Yes.”

  “You’ll marry me?” says Janet.

  “I will.”

  They hug each other and Brigitte and Candy start the waterworks again. Everyone is hugging everyone and it’s a complete mess. But the okay kind.

  By the time we head for Dan and Juliette’s it’s late and I’m wrecked enough that I don’t want to drive the Hog, so I take us through a shadow. My first night as a member of the Lodge Within the Lodge. If there’s more initiation garbage—if they want me to beat up a yeti or fight another vampire—I’m killing the doom twins and going back to Bamboo House to celebrate.

  Me and Janet head straight downstairs.

  The rumpus room doesn’t look as bad as I expected after the smoke squid. Someone did a nice cleanup job on the place. There are boards neatly nailed up over the entrance to the mountain tunnel. I’m guessing that Dan and Juliette didn’t pick up as much as a dustpan. They must pay their cleaning people a fortune to keep their mouths shut.

  The first person I see is Manimal Mike in a neck brace.

  “Goddamn, Mike. Why are you here?” I say. “You look like hell.”

  He tries to smile, but the brace makes it like a grimace.

  He says, “I’m fine. Maria’s been taking good care of me. Besides, I wasn’t going to miss your first night. Welcome to the big leagues.”

  He puts out his hand and I shake it.

  “Thanks, but I didn’t exactly love the minor leagues. What am I even doing here?”

  “With Charlie Karden gone, there was an opening.”

  “Actually, you’re filling two spots. Don’t forget about my friend Cassandra,” Janet adds. “She brought me into the Lodge Within the Lodge before the crackhead ki
lled her.”

  “But like I said before, what am I doing here?”

  Dan comes over.

  “You’re going to transcend the human plane of existence.”

  “And go onto new ones,” says Juliette. “The Land of the Dead. Other dimensions.”

  “Perhaps even time travel. The possibilities are limitless.”

  I shake my head.

  “No offense, but I’ve already seen the Land of the Dead and it wasn’t exactly fun.”

  “Did you have a guide?” says Juliette.

  “You think they have docents in Hell? Someone to hand you headphones and point out the gift shop?”

  Dan says, “There’s your problem. We’ll have guides taking us into these other realms so that we can explore in safety.”

  “Just like Virgil led Dante safely through the Inferno,” says Juliette.

  I look at her hard.

  “You know that was a poem, right? Not a how-to book.”

  Janet says, “Calm down. Just listen to them and see what they can do.”

  “I thought Kenny was your trash wizard. Who’s going to lead us into Valhalla now?”

  “I will,” says Dan. “Believe it or not, I have a fair amount of experience with these things.”

  “No offense, but Ouija boards aren’t going to get you into the Land of the Dead and back out again.”

  “No offense taken.”

  Dan’s smile never falters.

  He says, “I’ll make you a deal. We don’t normally allow Lodge Within the Lodge members to quit. You know the saying.”

  “There’s zero chance I’ll get out alive. Yeah. I have the T-shirt and the mug.”

  Juliette says, “If you aren’t impressed by what you experience tonight, you can walk out and you won’t have to see us ever again.”

  “Just give it a chance,” says Janet. “I know what happened with Kenny was awful, but we’re not calling up demons or anything here. Just spirit guides.”

  “Will you listen to me? The Land of the Dead is a horror show.”

  “Then come with me for protection.”

  I look at Janet. They’re so determined to show me the ragged edges of their world. I can’t abandon her now. And I haven’t seen the Lodge records yet.

  But I hate this idea with all my being.

  Nodding to Dan, I say, “Show me what you’ve got.”

  He takes an ornate box from a black altar covered in runes, charms, milagros, and dozens of other supernatural tchotchkes that I can’t even identify. The box is old and heavy looking, like it’s made of solid iron. There are snaky dragons and dancing skeletons on the top and sides. The designs look vaguely familiar. They’re definitely Asian, but I can’t quite place them. Dan moves slowly and deliberately, really putting on a show for everyone. A Satanic priest crossed with Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. I’m already bored with his second-rate magic act when he finally opens the box and takes out a collection of bones, all delicately wired together.

  It’s a carved skull that’s been carefully sectioned into several pieces like a 3-D puzzle. Each of the skull pieces is carved with more skeletons, some holding swords and some kneeling like they’re in prayer. A collection of smaller skulls rings the top of the piece like a death crown. Loops of prayer beads hang down from the sides of the fractured assemblage. Now I remember—it’s a Tibetan necromancer’s mask, and I already don’t like where this is going.

  Dan carefully places the bones over his head.

  He says, “I’d appreciate it if everyone knelt.”

  He gets down on the floor in the lotus position. I try not to roll my eyes, but everybody else gets down there with him, like we’re going to play Spin the Bottle.

  Juliette brings him a Tibetan horn made from a human femur. Dan gives the horn three good blasts, then starts doing a reasonably good imitation of a deep, overtone-laden Tibetan chant. This goes on for several minutes. Finally, he gives the horn three more blasts and plunges a long phurba—a three-sided Tibetan ceremonial dagger—into the ground.

  I’m all prepared for nothing to happen, at which point I plan on stealing all of the doom twins’ liquor and disappearing back to the flying saucer house.

  But something does happen.

  A pinpoint of light floats across the room, like a swollen firefly. It expands into a circle and something like molten glass pours out. Finally, when the ghostly Thurl is wide enough for something to come through, something does.

  It’s goddamn Kenny, all floaty and spectral. Like a prop from a William Castle movie. Even as a ghost he looks uncomfortable.

  “Hi, everybody,” he says. “I’m so sorry about what happened at the summoning. I guess Stark was right. I got out over my skis. Needless to say, I’m really embarrassed.”

  Juliette says, “It’s all right, Kenny. You showed us wonders that we couldn’t have imagined.”

  “Really? Thanks.”

  That cheers him up. As cheered up as a dead guy can get.

  “What wisdom of the world beyond ours do you bring us?” says Dan.

  “I’ll tell you, but where I am, there are rules. Before I can answer your question, I’m going to need a sacrifice.”

  Juliette brings Dan a draped carrier that chirps quietly each time she shakes it. Dan pulls off the cover and there’s a single white dove inside. Janet stiffens a little at the sight but doesn’t move away.

  Dan takes out the dove and cups it in his hands in Kenny’s direction.

  He says, “Please accept this, our sacrifice.”

  Quick as a snake, he snaps the bird’s neck. It lets out one last long and sad chirp before its head drops limply by its side. That neck snap was fast and precise, something Dan has practiced. I bet the doom twins’ compost can is stuffed full with the bodies of small, murdered animals.

  Kenny’s eyes snap shut and he shivers like someone just stuck an icicle up his spectral ass.

  When he settles down, his eyes glow like the headlights on a Rolls-Royce.

  “Excellent. Now, tell me what it is you wish to see.”

  “What you see,” says Juliette. “Show us the Land of the Dead.”

  Dead Kenny holds his hands wide and an eerie landscape slowly forms around him. It’s all shadows and blades, cleavers, kartikas, and every other cutting tool imaginable. I know the place intimately. The House of Knives in Pandemonium. Kenny made it all the way to Hell and the doom twins have pulled him back. I wonder how Kenny feels about that. For the first time, I have a little sympathy for the fool.

  Kenny stands in the middle of the house as rotating pillars of blades pass around him, slicing him to ribbons, then pausing to let his body reassemble itself so the game can start all over again. His face contorts as much from his body’s pulling itself back together as it does from the blades.

  He says, “Behold Hell in all its ingenious glory.”

  “What else can you tell us?” says Juliette, completely ignoring that her pal is being deli-sliced over and over again.

  “Parts are cold as the Arctic and some as hot as the sun. There are trenches and fissures full of blood. Everywhere is chaos and ruins. How long have I been trapped in here? A day? It already feels like an eternity, and I have all of eternity to look forward to treats like this.”

  “Can we come to you, Kenny?” says Dan excitedly. “Can we visit you in the Land of the Dead?”

  “Kill yourself and find out.”

  They ignore that. “Can you show us other wonders? Anywhere outside the house? We want to see the vistas of the damned.”

  “I can show you everything—but again, there’s a price.”

  “Name it. Anything,” says Juliette.

  Kenny turns to her, his face in mid-slicing.

  “Another sacrifice. Each sacrifice you bring will help me escape the horror of this house. The larger the sacrifice, the sooner I can leave. When I’ve done that, I’ll show you all of Hell. Make a large enough sacrifice and I’ll show you how to visit the Land of the Dead and return home saf
ely.”

  “Thank you, my friend,” says Dan. “We’ll do as you say.”

  Kenny groans as a broadsword opens his belly the way he gutted the sheep.

  “I have to go now. The bird wasn’t much sustenance. Bring me something better next time.”

  Juliette says, “We will. Thank you. We’ll see you soon, Kenny.”

  Poor, dumb Kenny fades and disappears into the thicket of the knives. His scream cuts off abruptly as the Thurl collapses.

  The rumpus room is silent for a while. Then it’s all looks of wonder and hushed whispers. Dan and Juliette kiss. Maria throws her arms around Manimal Mike and Janet grabs me in a big bear hug. I hug them back, but it’s mostly to be polite.

  These fucking children, playing with gasoline and guns.

  Then next thing I know Dan is shouting, “A pit bull. No. A Rottweiler.”

  I say, “For what?”

  “For the bigger sacrifice, of course.”

  “A Great Dane,” says Maria, who seems a lot more into this scene than Mike.

  Some Jed Clampett–in–a–turtleneck–looking prick says, “A Tibetan mastiff. Those are the largest dogs in the world.”

  “Perfect,” says Dan. “I can get one tomorrow. Should I get more? We can fill the room with them!”

  Juliette presses her forehead to his.

  “You’re thinking too small, dear heart. Forget dogs. What we need is a horse.”

  “Can you get a horse down here?” says Mike.

  “Then we’ll get a pony. That’s probably better anyway. It’s smaller and its blood is fresh and vital.”

  “I’m not sure a small horse is what Kenny is looking for,” says Dan, and then the whole fucking room is debating what animal is small enough to fit down here but big enough to keep Kenny fat and happy. I tune it all out. Not only don’t I care about their ridiculous plans, but I’m distracted by other things.

  Like Kenny’s entrance from Downtown. I’ve seen a lot of spirit manifestations over the years, but the one Dan pulled off was very specific. It’s the exact same passageway I’ve seen too many times in Little Cairo. Could it be just a weird coincidence? Are Kenny and the doom twins reading from the same playbook as whoever called the Stay Belows back to this world? It’s possible, but I have severe doubts.