Ballistic Kiss

by Richard Kadrey

  I have no idea what Vidocq is thinking right now. Probably “What the hell did I sign up for?” To be fair, I wish I knew what’s going on too. It would help to have some sense of it so I don’t make things worse. Kenny helps me out there.

  When he isn’t being carved up like Thanksgiving dinner, he says, “Congratulations on a great job, everybody. Good effort. With this sacrifice, I’ll be able to bring each of you into the Land of the Dead so that you see the mad truth that lies beyond judgment and the grave.”

  Is that what all the old weapons are for? A sacrifice? You don’t need that much hardware to kill anything you can fit down here. It makes me think this isn’t like the bird sacrifice but some kind of dismemberment scene. Or worse. A disemboweling, like with the guts monster back at the canyon.

  I crane my neck, trying to make out what’s on the sacrifice block. I don’t hear any barking, so I don’t think they went with Dan’s dog pack idea. And I don’t smell shit everywhere, so I’m guessing Juliette’s horse fantasy was jettisoned too. I swear if I hear one squeak or squall that sounds like a little kid, I’m going to personally gut every one of these fuckers. Vidocq can have whatever is left.

  Finally, I have an idea on how to move in efficiently and scatter the Lodge bastards. As I start whispering it to Vidocq, someone screams.

  “Fuck all of you motherfuckers!”

  It’s Janet’s voice.

  A few of the Lodge members are startled by the scream and step back from the big table.

  This is why they dragged it from the rumpus room. Janet is tied down on top. Manimal Mike is on the floor unconscious, probably next on the sacrifice menu.

  My clever plan from a minute ago goes out the window. I bark some Hellion hoodoo and the explosion knocks the closest Lodge members into the air and over the table. The others fall back and we come in fast.

  None of these bastards have ever met a crazy Frenchman who hates their sacrificing guts. Vidocq throws vial after vial of noxious potions at the Lodge psychos. When they hit the ones who didn’t retreat to the far side of the sacrifice table, the vials burn them like phosphorous. Dan in his necromancer mask runs deeper into the cavern. Juliette fumbles with the phurba, drops it, and runs after him.

  Janet can move their head just enough to sort of see what’s happening.

  “Stark!” they yell.

  I swing the na’at over my head like a bullwhip and slice through the chains holding them on the table. Vidocq grabs Mike and we hustle them back out of harm’s way.

  Janet is bruised and bloody. They didn’t go down easy but fought all the way onto the table. Good for them.

  They hold on to my arm.

  “I’m sorry,” Janet says. “I should have listened. They’re all crazy.”

  I’m not a told-you-so kind of guy. I point to the boulder where I hid with Vidocq.

  “Wait there. We’ll be back.”

  Mike shakes his head as he comes to. I cut him out of his bonds and take him back to where a few of the Lodge’s more gutless members cower against the cavern wall. There I give him the Colt.

  “Shoot anyone who moves.”

  “Glad to.”

  Vidocq moves off to torch some of the other armed Lodge members. I turn to join him, but something slams into me from behind. There’s a burning, ripping pain in my side. I twist and throw an elbow behind me and send someone flying. But then someone else is on my back and reaching around to claw my eyes with their long nails.

  I throw my weight back and slam us both onto the cavern floor. Whoever was on my back is seeing stars from where their skull cracked on the stones. The na’at falls from my hand, so I roll over and grab them by the collar.

  It’s Maria Simon.

  If she—or whatever Maria is—was hurt by the fall, it doesn’t last long. She swings at my eyes again with her nails. I dodge her hand and punch her in the throat. That rattles her enough that she holds still for a few seconds. Long enough for me to pull the Polaroid from my pocket and shove it in her face.

  “Happy holidays from Chris.”

  She freezes in place. Her hand goes up a few inches toward the photo as she whispers, “Chris.”

  My whole side burns. I can feel blood flowing down my ribs.

  I grab Samantha and say, “What are you? A vampire? A Drifter who got away? Or another spook, just a little smarter than the rest?”

  Samantha, who- or whatever she is, lets out a sonic bellow in my face that’s loud enough and hard enough to knock me off her. She’s on her feet faster than I can move and runs into the Backbone like a goddamn cheetah.

  I touch my hand to my side. There’s a deep gash along my lower ribs. I look around and spot Juliette’s phurba on the stones nearby. Dan, the sneaky fuck, must have doubled back. He dives for the blade. I kick it away and the bastard lands on his face. When I reach out to snap his neck, he grabs a dropped sword and swings it clumsily at me. But a clumsy sword is still a sword and I have to twist out of the way, which rips open the wound on my ribs even more.

  I grab the na’at from the floor and swing it over my head a couple of times, backing Dan off. He holds the sword up in front of him defensively, and when I swing the barbed whip a third time, it snaps the sword blade in half.

  The worst seems over and I’m finally ready to kill Danny boy once and for all when I hear weird, high singing.

  Kenny has let loose the Stay Belows already in the cavern and sent out a few more to join them. Dan doesn’t bother saying goodbye. I want to chase him, but there will be time for that later in the mansion.

  I head for the Stay Belows, but Vidocq is already there, holding them off with vials of bannissement par l’amarante. While he drives them back in Kenny’s direction, I collapse the na’at and manifest my Gladius. Vidocq falls back and lets me hack through the ten or so spooks left and send them to oblivion.

  At this point, I think the worst of it is over, but some of the ballsier Lodge Within the Lodge members who still have weapons charge us. Vidocq is beginning to run out of vials, but I still have my Gladius, so I’m pretty confident we’ve got this covered.

  Nope.

  Some of the Lodge bastards Mike was guarding managed to jump him. The ones not holding him down are with Dan and Juliette, who must have circled back and grabbed Janet to complete the ritual.

  I scream hoodoo at them but have to be careful. I can’t blow up or burn anybody without killing Janet. Instead, I call down a swarm of Hellion hornets on them. They’re twice the size of mortal hornets and the venom in their tails is pure acid. A few stings will burn holes in you. Too many and you start losing limbs. Enough stings and you’ll melt like a snowman in Malibu.

  I’m close enough that I can control the hornets to go after the doom twins and the Lodge assholes while keeping Janet safe. Dan, Juliette, and their mob scatter, screaming at a real vision of Hell.

  Dan takes off for the mansion again, leaving Juliette behind. The hornets drive her back across the cavern. Half-blinded and bleeding from the stings, she bounces off the sacrifice table in Kenny’s direction. He sends out a couple more Stay Belows and they grab her by the arms. The hornets swarm around the three of them, but only Juliette feels the stings.

  Kenny says, “You let me die, Juliette. You let me die and then you brought me back so I could be your errand boy again. Not this time. Not ever again. Do you want to see the Land of the Dead? Then come and join me.”

  Juliette doesn’t go easy. She fights back against the Stay Belows, but in the end it gets her nowhere. Her screams from the hornet stings eventually turn to watery gurgles as the Stay Belows drag her to Kenny, where they’re both ripped to shreds in the House of Knives.

  The Lodge toughs holding on to Manimal Mike run off into the cavern when they see what happened to Juliette. I pull Mike back to his feet and take him to the boulder where I hid Janet. But I can’t find them or Vidocq. I dispel the hornets and look for them.

  Kenny has called up more Stay Belows, this time with weapons. I should be
able to take out all of them easily with my Gladius, but I’ve lost enough blood that my reflexes aren’t what they should be. I might be fine against a few mortal opponents, but these undead pricks don’t fall down as easily.

  They surround me and attack with broadswords and Mayan battle axes. I swing the Gladius in a wide defensive circle, but no matter how many spooks I take down, it seems like there are more to take their place. I manage to hack a hole in the mob and get through so there’s no one at my back, but I take a lot of shots along the way. I’m bleeding all over.

  Stumbling back, I shout fire hoodoo, but they walk right through that. I can’t think straight. I know there are other ways to hurt them, but my brain has flatlined. All I can think to do is put my head down and charge back into the bunch, hacking them down before I bleed out.

  As I start to put that brilliant plan into play, something noxious explodes in front of me. It smells like garlic, burning rubber, and the taste of pennies. I stumble back, my eyes watering. Someone is shouting in French. Vidocq closes in on me and the Stay Belows. His potions force them farther and farther back.

  He shouts, “I’ll push them back to Hell. You deal with the rest of these curs.”

  Vidocq gets the bunch away from me long enough that I can get a breath and clear my head. Not that it helps much.

  The moment I’m clear of the Stay Belows, Dan comes out of fucking nowhere and slams me in the ribs with a war hammer. I go down on my stupid face and the Gladius goes out. I really don’t want this Hollywood High, wannabe Criswell, Hugh Hefner, snooty wine-snob piece of shit to be the one who kills me for good, but that’s how things are looking as Dan stands over me with the war hammer aimed at my head.

  He says, “Looks like we didn’t need Janet after all. You’re going to be a much better sacrifice.”

  I tense my muscles, hoping I’m still fast enough to roll out of the way in time.

  He raises it above his head. I get ready, but I know I have a less-than-even chance of doing this right.

  Something streaks behind Dan. He cries out in pain and half drops the war hammer to his side.

  Something shoots by again, and this time it latches on to him.

  It’s Janet. They have the small automatic knife they showed me way back in Teddy Osterberg’s cemetery. They’ve latched on to Dan’s back and are stabbing him over and over again. Finally, he drops the hammer and falls to his knees. Janet keeps stabbing and all clever Dan can think to do is roll up like an armadillo and hope he grows armor.

  When I can get to my feet, I grab Janet and pull them off Dan. He’s fucked up but not dead yet.

  I kiss Janet on their bloody cheek and say, “Thanks.”

  Then I get out the black blade and cut Dan’s head off.

  But I do it at a specific angle and in a certain way, so that when his head comes free from his body, he’s not dead. He’s exactly like Kasabian that first night when I came back from Hell. And just like Kasabian, Dan is screaming up a storm.

  “What’s happening? I’m dead! I’m dead!”

  I pick him up by the hair and angle him so he can see his body lying on the cavern floor.

  “No, Dan,” I tell him. “You’re not dead. And you’re not going to die until I let you.”

  “What have you done?” he screams. “Kenny. Kill this fool.”

  But Kenny is having fun showing Juliette around the House of Knives. Which gives me an idea.

  “Dan, did you know that I was the first living mortal ever to set foot in Hell?”

  “What?” he says. “Someone help me!”

  “I made history, Dan. Everybody down there remembers me now. And you know what? Now they’re going to remember you and Juliette: the other two living humans in Hell. Enjoy your fame.”

  I start to throw him into the spinning vortex of blades with Kenny and Juliette but get a better idea. I give Dan to Janet. They looked shocked, then smile.

  “Am I allowed to do this?” they say.

  I shrug.

  “It’s your choice. If you want me to put Danny back together again, I’m fifty percent sure I can do it. But ask yourself this: Who’s he going to sacrifice next time?”

  Janet looks at Dan’s confused, dumb animal face and says, “I want to say that I’m not doing this because you tried to kill me. I want to be bigger and better than that. But I’m not. I’m doing this because you tried to kill me.”

  Holding Dan by the hair, Janet tosses him like a bowling ball into the House of Knives, where he’s gobbled by the blades that will puree him, Kenny, and Juliette forever. Or until the place falls apart. I mean, it’s a complicated contraption, and because of the war, nothing in Hell is getting a lot of maintenance. Still, for however long it is, Ken and the doom twins will have a cozy vacation house in the Land of the Dead. Just like they always wanted.

  Nearby, Manimal Mike yells, “Maria!”

  I look around and see Mike hunkered protectively over Vidocq as Samantha runs out of the cavern. Vidocq is still, with the phurba buried deep in his back.

  Mike yells, “I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry.”

  I curse and grab Vidocq, Janet, and Mike and drag them into a shadow.

  We come out in Allegra’s clinic. A few civilians and Lurkers sit on plastic chairs in the waiting area, but I blow past them and straight into the exam room. Allegra is inside alone and at first laughs when she sees me.

  “Do you ever knock, you drama queen?”

  Then she sees Vidocq.

  “Oh god. Get him on the table.”

  I lay him facedown so Allegra gets a good look at his back and the phurba.

  I say, “I left the blade in so he wouldn’t bleed out.”

  Allegra grabs a pair of medical scissors and begins cutting off Vidocq’s coat.

  “You did the right thing,” she says.

  “What can I do to help?”

  “What’s that in his back?”

  “It’s called a phurba. A ritual knife.”

  “What kind of rituals were people using it for?”

  “Calling back the dead.”

  As she cuts Vidocq’s shirt off she says, “Shit.”

  With his shirt gone, the wound looks even worse. The skin around the blade looks shriveled and crisp. Less like a knife wound and more like someone shoved a red-hot poker into him. Blackened veins radiate out from the entry point and spread all over his back. More burns or a spreading poison from the blade?

  Allegra grabs a big wad of gauze and holds it near the knife.

  She says, “When I tell you, pull the blade straight out. I’ll pack the wound.”

  “Got it.”

  She takes a breath.

  “Now.”

  I yank the phurba out of his back and drop it on the floor.

  Vidocq doesn’t bleed. His blood pools in the wound and doesn’t run, but oozes from the wound, thick and oily. Green on top, like algae scum on a dying lake.

  “Oh god,” she says.

  “Do you know what it is?”

  She ignores me and says, “Everybody get out of the way.”

  From a set of shelves in the last cabinet, she pulls out dusty pots and jars—some of Doc Kinski’s old supplies. You don’t fuck around with antibiotics with a hoodoo wound like this. You go straight for the heavy stuff.

  Allegra packs more gauze in the oily blood and rubs a purple salve on the skin around the entry point. From a cabinet near the floor, she takes out a globe wrapped in silk. Two shattered pieces of divine light glass—the stuff Mr. Muninn used to make the first stars. Some fell to Earth long ago and started life on this rock. Doc Kinski used the glass on me more than once. It began life and it can save it. Allegra lays the pieces on Vidocq’s back and gently sets a hand on his head. After a moment, she checks his pulse. Pulls his eyelids open and shines a small flashlight into them.

  Me, Janet, and Mike stand there feeling thick and useless. Allegra massages the cracked glass into Vidocq’s back. After a couple of minutes, she checks his vitals again.r />
  His body moves slightly. I hear a feeble, rasping breath. Another minute and Vidocq’s eyes flutter open.

  He smiles when he sees Allegra.

  “Hello, my love.”

  She puts her hand on the back of his head.

  “Hey, you. For a minute there I thought we’d lost you.”

  “Never. In this world and whatever comes next, I am eternally yours.”

  She runs a hand through his hair.

  “Don’t talk like that. You’re the one who lives forever, remember?”

  He closes his eyes.

  “I care nothing about forever. I care about you.”

  “We have you stabilized now, so don’t worry about anything.”

  When he opens his eyes, he has a faraway look.

  “Do you remember when we first met?”

  “Yes. Stark brought me to meet the great alchemist who lived in a magic apartment that no one could see.”

  He smiles faintly.

  “We were happy there together for a time, weren’t we?”

  “We were.”

  Vidocq frowns.

  “I wish I could have been a better man for you. I wish I could have made it more of a home for the two of us.”

  “You did.”

  He shakes his head.

  “I should have thrown away my books, my absurd flasks and potions. I should have made it happier for you.”

  “I was happy.”

  Allegra looks at me.

  “Tell him, Stark.”

  I get up close to him so I know he can hear.

  “Allegra was happy. She told me all the time.”

  Vidocq shifts his head around a little so he can see me. He puts out his hand. I take it.

  “James.”

  “You scared us, old man.”

  He says, “The charm I put on the apartment so that people can’t see it, it’s permanent, you know.”

  “Of course it is. You did it.”

  “I only say this because if anything should happen to me, it would make me very happy if you returned there. It’s your home. It always has been. I’ve merely been the caretaker.”