The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  “Nice hat,” he said, flicking it with his finger as he pulled back and fastened his seatbelt. He was dressed in black and gray, simple swim trunks and a white shirt that I knew would eventually be pulled off to reveal his god-like abdomen. Realizing I would be showing my own midriff soon, I swallowed.

  “You’re in a good mood.”

  “Should I not be?” He quirked a brow just above the rim of his dark aviators, smile still glued to his face. “I have the day off, we’re heading to the beach.” Rhodes leaned over the console, sliding his rough hand up the inside of my thigh. “And I get to spend all day with you.”

  “You better scowl or something,” I joked. “People might actually think you like me.”

  He smirked, moving my hand to his lips for a swift kiss before leaning back in his seat. “People might actually be right, then.”

  The drive to the beach was slow, traffic picking up even though we’d left Rhodes’ apartment just after nine. Poxton Beach was always packed on the Fourth of July. With a mixture of tourists and regulars, it was nearly impossible to find parking or a spot on the beach after eleven.

  We didn’t really have to worry about that, though. I parked us in Dale’s reserved spot right by one of the boardwalks leading to the beach and led Rhodes to our cabana in front of the Poxton Inn. There were two chaise lounge chairs, a small couch, a hammock, a coffee table and a small bar complete with mini fridge inside and we were just thirty feet from the water.

  Rhodes shook his head, dropping his bag on the couch as I pulled a cold water bottle from the fridge. “So this is how the other half lives. Here I thought we’d have to slum it with towels on the beach like the common folk.”

  “Having a dad who owns the town has some perks.”

  “That’s the understatement of the year.” Rhodes watched me tip the water bottle to my lips before quickly stripping off his shirt. “Want to get in the water?”

  My heartrate accelerated. It was a damn good thing I wasn’t wearing my watch, because I knew it’d be an embarrassing number on that little screen. “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

  I screwed the lid back on my water slower than necessary and tucked it back into the fridge. Rhodes just watched me, an amused look on his face.

  “You wearing your dress in?”

  I swallowed, but didn’t respond. Gripping the hem of each side, I slowly peeled off my cover up, dropping it into the lounge chair and pulling my long blonde hair forward to shield whatever skin it could. I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut and somehow teleport to the ocean, but I knew I wouldn’t be so lucky. Glancing up at him through my lashes, I bit my lip and attempted to lift my head higher.

  “Jesus Christ, Bug,” Rhodes groaned, shaking his head. He crossed the space between us and reached out, his hands just barely grazing my bare hips. I shivered.

  “You like the suit?”

  “I’m not looking at the suit,” he murmured, trailing his fingers across my sensitive skin before finding my eyes with his own. “Your confidence is the sexiest thing you have on right now.”

  I blushed. “I’m not sure I remembered that accessory, now that you mention it.”

  “I disagree. The girl who walked into my gym almost two months ago would never have worn this. And she damn sure wouldn’t have worn it in front of me. You look incredible, Natalie, and you know it. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel good about yourself.”

  I smiled, chewing the inside of my cheek. It was one of those moments where Rhodes was completely uninhibited. Suddenly, I wanted to blow off the entire beach day and pull him back to my place and under my sheets. Whatever he saw in me, it was starting to wear off on me, too. I wanted to soak him in.

  “Come on,” he said, grabbing my hand. His green eyes danced in the bright morning light. “Let’s show you off.”

  • • •

  I’d never seen Rhodes more free-spirited than that day on the beach.

  We played in the water, splashing and laughing and occasionally diving for seashells. When we needed a break from the sun, we’d retreat to our cabana to lounge in the shade, but Rhodes’ hand never left mine. We built a sad looking sandcastle and even joined in a game of volleyball with some of our classmates, though we were more of a distraction than anything else. The busier the beach got, the more eyes I felt glued to my back.

  “People are staring at us,” I said as Rhodes balanced me on a boogie board we’d rented. There were plenty of women from the club eying us, but I felt a particular glare coming from the group I’d spent all my past Independence Days with. Mason included.

  “Let them stare.”

  I smirked, assessing him through the wet strands of my hair. “What’s gotten into you?”

  He shrugged, his smile falling. “Last night, you fell asleep in my arms, and I just kept thinking about how I don’t deserve you.” I went to interrupt him, but he continued. “But then I realized I’ve had a lot of shitty years in my life, maybe too many. But I’m not a bad person, at least, maybe not as bad as I’ve always believed.” He pulled off his shades and squinted against the sun to meet my eyes. “You’re the one who made me realize that, Bug. You make me feel like maybe I deserve more. Like maybe my dreams matter. Do you realize how much that means to me?” He shook his head, his jaw tight. Sliding his sunglasses back into place, he pushed me out further into the waves. “I’m never letting that go.”

  I smiled. “Would it be weird if I called you William?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s not my name.”

  I frowned, struggling to find my balance on the board. “Well, technically, it is.”

  “It just doesn’t fit me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Rhodes sighed, shaking his head but still smiling. “Always with the questions. I’ll tell you, but I don’t want to talk about it right now. Not today. Deal?”

  My curiosity was piqued even more, but I’d learned not to push Rhodes. “Deal.”

  Even with reapplying sunscreen every hour, my skin was tight and a slight shade of pink by the time the sun started sinking in the west. I pulled my hair into a messy bun and threw on Rhodes’ long sleeve shirt over my suit, loving the scent of him surrounding me. We grabbed our beach towels and strolled down closer to the water, finding the perfect spot for the fireworks show.

  I watched Rhodes with fascination as he spread out both of our towels and then sat down easily, patting the spot next to him. He was so different, so happy — and I reveled in the fact that I had a part in making him that way. I was just about to lower myself next to him when Mason’s voice pulled me out of the trance I’d been in all day.

  “Hey Natalie,” he said timidly, his eyes flicking from mine to Rhodes and back again. I flinched at the sight of his bruised face. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  I hesitated, glancing to Rhodes quickly before meeting Mason’s stare again. “Um, sure.”

  Rhodes’ jaw ticked as I walked a few feet away with Mason, but I made sure I kept within a safe distance. This wasn’t a pissing contest. I’d chosen Rhodes, and I wanted him to know I was solid in that choice.

  “How are you?” Mason asked, tucking his hands in the pockets of his swim trunks. His messy brown hair was wind-blown and still damp from the ocean.

  “I’m good, Mase. What did you want to talk about?”

  He sighed, looking off into the water before pulling his attention back to me. The sun was fading quicker, casting shadows on the beach. “What are you doing with him? He’s not good for you.”

  “Mason.”

  “I’m serious. Do you not remember his reputation from high school? All the times he was in juvie? Or how about his current reputation down at the club?” I swallowed, which seemed to fuel Mason’s fire. “Yeah, I take it from that expression that you do know of his activities. So then what the hell are you doing? Do you think he’s going to change for you, Natalie? He’s dangerous. This whole thing is going to blow up in your face.”

&n
bsp; “What happens between us is none of your concern, Mason. You gave up the privilege to get a say in what I do and don’t do with my life.” I said the words with conviction, but I was shaking beneath Rhodes’ sweater.

  “I know that, okay?” He ran his hands back through his hair, glancing once more at where Rhodes was seated behind me. “Just please, be careful. And think about what you’re doing. I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  He nodded. “I hope you’re right. Enjoy the show.” With one last hard look at Rhodes, Mason walked back to where our group of friends was gathered on the beach. I noted Shay wasn’t in attendance.

  “Sorry about that,” I said, falling down onto the towel next to Rhodes. He pulled my back against his chest, wrapping his arms around me. He was tense for a moment, but then I felt him sigh and relax against me. His lips moved to my neck timidly, kissing me as if he were just as afraid he’d hurt me as Mason was.

  Rhodes was quiet after that as we watched the first fireworks being lit off the boats in the distance. The big show hadn’t yet started, so I pushed my luck to get deeper into his thoughts.

  “There’s that scowl I’ve been looking for all day.”

  Rhodes smirked, holding me tighter. “I was just thinking. About Lana.”

  I stiffened, but snuggled into him more. “What about her?”

  He was silent a moment, but I waited, letting him take his time. “I just wonder if she sees any of this anymore. I want to believe she does, that she’s still out there somewhere, living. But I know I’m stupid for thinking that way.” He swallowed. “Sometimes it’s just easier than facing the truth that if she is alive, she’s not safe enough to call me and let me know.”

  “Do you feel like she is?”

  Rhodes cleared his throat. “Sometimes. Every now and then, I feel her — like her presence. It’s almost as if she’s watching over me.”

  “Maybe she is.”

  He smiled, pulling me in closer. “Maybe.”

  The first loud crack of the pier fireworks show sounded and the beach cheered. Leaning up from Rhodes’ grasp, I retrieved my camera from my beach bag and flicked through the settings. Just as I lifted it to focus on a red and white burst firework, Rhodes grabbed my hands.

  “Why do you always do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Try to photograph every moment. Trust me,” he said, lowering my hands back into my lap and pulling the camera from my grasp. He dropped it on the towel next to us and pulled me back into him. “Sometimes, it’s better with your own eyes.”

  And it was. Every loud boom echoed off the water and reverberated through my chest as the fireworks lit up the beach. I tried to keep my eyes on the sky, but I was drawn to Rhodes each time his face was illuminated. His strong jaw, his barely-there scruff, his beachy hair. Even though his eyes took on whatever color the fireworks decided, I could still see the bright green shining through.

  “What are you afraid of, Natalie?” He asked, his voice just above a whisper as he repeated the question I’d asked the first time he set foot in my room. It felt heavier this time. Everything with Rhodes felt heavier.

  “Loving you.”

  He frowned, two perfectly symmetrical lines forming in his brow. Chewing my lip, I looked back to the sky, afraid that maybe I’d said too much. Did I love him already? I loved being with him. I loved the way he made me feel. To me, that was dangerously close. And it was the truth — there was nothing I was more afraid of than waking up one morning to find my heart belonged to the one man I knew could break it.

  One single firework broke the sound barrier before the finale began. As lights and booms chased each other over the water, Rhodes tilted my chin toward him, catching my eyes with his own. Then, he closed the distance and pressed his lips to mine. It was a slow kiss, passionate and calculating. Maybe he was telling me it was okay to be scared, or that he felt the same fear, too.

  Or maybe, he was telling me to leap.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “NATALIE,” RHODES WARNED, LEANING his broad chest against my hamstring to apply pressure again. I felt the stretch deep in my muscles and I moaned louder. Rhodes instantly dropped my leg, letting it fall to the floor as he sat back on his heels.

  “What?” I feigned innocence. “It feels so good, Rhodes. I can’t help it.”

  He shook his head. “You’re going to get me fired.”

  “How? You’re just stretching me out. I’m your client.”

  “Yeah, but if stretching leads to you moaning which in turn leads to me fucking you against the wall in the sauna, I think that might go against club policy.”

  My mouth grew dry at the image he’d painted and I chewed my lip. Lifting my left wrist, I thumbed through the options of my watch until I found the voice recorder. “Note to self: Ask Dale to install a sauna in the pool house.”

  “You have a pool house?”

  “Yep. Come over tonight and I’ll give you the tour.”

  Rhodes chuckled, standing and making his way toward the back office. “Can’t, Bug.”

  “Why not?” I asked, scrambling to my feet to follow him. It wasn’t easy, and I internally groaned. Rhodes had been pushing me hard all week. I was getting stronger, and he was testing my limits — though I couldn’t really complain. Every time he showed me how to lower into a new squat position or illustrated a glute exercise, I took advantage, touching him longer than necessary or leaning my body into his. We were garnering glares from nearly every woman in the gym, but I didn’t care.

  I was branding him, just like he’d branded me.

  “I have to be somewhere.”

  I swallowed, staring down at my sneakers as Rhodes filed through paperwork on his desk. His t-shirt was ripped at the sleeves and the sides drooped down low, giving me full visual access of his ripped abdomen. The muscles flexed with each small movement as he shuffled random client files into place.

  I hadn’t thought about the possibility that he might still be offering his after hour services. I clutched my stomach. “Are you… do you have to meet another client?”

  Rhodes’ eyes met mine, his brows knitted together in confusion. “What?” When realization hit, he dropped the papers in his hand and crossed the room to me in two full strides. “Oh fuck, Natalie, no. I’m done with that. It’s me and you now, okay? I’m only touching you. And you’re the only one touching me.” He weaved his hands into my still damp hair and forced me to meet his gaze. “I swear.”

  Sighing, I nodded. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. You had every right to assume.” Clearing his throat, he stepped back, filtering through the papers once more. “That’s actually part of why I can’t hang out this evening, though. I have a job interview.”

  “A job interview?”

  He nodded. “It’s at this new bar they just opened down at The Crawl. Nothing big, but it’ll be enough to cover what training can’t.”

  “Oh God.” My hands flew to my face. “You have to get a second job. Because of me.”

  Rhodes chuckled, tossing a paperclip in my direction. It bounced off my forearm and landed next to my sneaker. “Stop, Bug. This is a good thing. I don’t want to do what I’ve been doing to earn a living.” I peeked at him through my fingers and his nose flared slightly. “I’m worth more than what they think I am.”

  My heart squeezed and a smile met my lips. Was it possible Rhodes was finally seeing what I’d always seen in him? Still, I knew the extra money he made wasn’t just spent on worthless material things. I frowned. “What about the private investigator for your sister?”

  He moved to me again, taking me in his arms. “I’m giving him his last payment tonight. It’s time for me to start letting go, and this is step one.”

  “Wait.” I pushed my hands into his chest. “I can help. I’ll pay for him to keep looking. This is my fault, and I know you still believe she’s out there.” His jaw tensed. “Please, let me help. How much do you pay him?”
>
  “Stop.” Rhodes pinched the bridge of his nose, but still kept the other arm secured at my waist. “You’re not paying for him. After this week, his services are done. And that’s it. And we don’t talk about it again. Okay?”

  I wasn’t happy about that decision, but I nodded. I knew there was no point arguing with Rhodes, but a part of me still ached thinking I was possibly responsible for him giving up on the search for his sister.

  Forcing a smile, Rhodes pulled me in for a quick kiss.

  “It’s okay,” he promised against my lips. “I think I’m ready. I think I need to start letting go.”

  Fisting my hands in his wet t-shirt, I pulled him closer. “I can help.”

  His throat constricted and he slid his hand into mine, pressing his index finger hard into my wrist. “You already have.”

  • • •

  Willow called to catch up the next day while I was enjoying my day off from training. She was so excited about her program and everyone she was meeting at Appalachian State. If I didn’t have Rhodes, I would have been jealous. Since I did, I was able to be completely happy for her. We only talked for twenty minutes before she had to run, but it was nice hearing her voice. Especially when she squealed after hearing I’d worn the swimsuit she bought me.

  It was a lazy Wednesday, which I actually cherished. I spent the day watching more episodes of Lost and even took a nap, which I couldn’t remember doing all summer. I had a big night planned with Rhodes, and I wanted to be awake and energized.

  When I woke around five, I had a missed text from Mason.

  — I’m worried about you. Did you think about what I said? —

  I rolled my eyes, stifling a yawn as I padded across the cool hardwood floor to the stairs. Funny, Mason seemed more invested in my wellbeing now than he ever had the two years we’d dated. For once, I was beginning not to care what Mason thought of me. Or anyone else, for that matter.