The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  But in the end, I’d emerged on the other side of summer ready to shed my leaves along with the fall trees. The truth was William had brought a sleeping giant to life. I felt a new me — a better me — waiting just below the surface for her chance to shine in the spring. I didn’t shield my eyes as the morning light grew brighter and brighter on the beach around us. I simply held on tighter to the one person whose darkness offered the perfect balance.

  The sun was rising.

  And we were rising with it.

  Epilogue

  TWO YEARS LATER

  I SMOOTHED MY HANDS down the thin black fabric of my dress, turning to inspect myself in the mirror once more. My new, shorter, brighter blonde hair was slightly curled and it framed my face at the chin. There were no lumps showing beneath the tight dress, still I stretched it and smoothed it over and over again.

  “You look perfect.” William’s deep voice echoed through our bedroom as he slid up behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle.

  “I think it’s too small.”

  A smirk curved on his lips. “Just because it’s a single digit doesn’t mean it’s too small, Bug.” He kissed my temple and I turned in his arms, running my hands up his biceps currently covered by a blazer.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to a size eight. I guess I have you to thank for that.”

  “Don’t thank me,” he said, kissing my nose. “Thank the squats.”

  I giggled.

  “Ready?”

  Licking my lower lip, I slid my hands down his chest and hooked them into the band of his dress pants. He inhaled a stiff breath and I felt him grow hard through the fabric. “Are you sure we have to leave the house?”

  He groaned, running his hands back through my hair and tugging it gently, forcing my face up to his. He pressed his lips against mine and bit the lower lip I’d just licked to tease him. “Go ahead. Tease me all you want tonight, Bug. Just remember that later when I pay you back.”

  His words sent a jolt straight between my legs and my thighs tensed. William didn’t break the kiss, though — he deepened it, running his rough hands down the open back of my dress to firmly palm my ass. I moaned into his mouth and he finally pulled away, leaving me panting for more.

  “Looking forward to it,” I said, breathless. I went to steal another kiss, but Zipper ran between our legs, tail wagging furiously, knocking both of us back a step.

  “What do you say, Zip? You going to be good while we’re gone?”

  Our rough-around-the-edges pit bull sat down quickly, planting his front feet and looking up at us with wide eyes and tongue flopped out. I rubbed the white spot on his head before leaning down to kiss his nose, to which he responded with a sneeze and another sprint through the house.

  We rescued Zipper last Christmas and he’d been a part of our little dysfunctional family ever since. He was hyper, got into trouble more days than not, and I’d lost count of how many pairs of shoes had fallen victim to his chewing habit. Still, he reminded me a lot of Rhodes when we first met — people were scared of him, he seemed dangerous, but inside he was kind and caring and brave. One more week in the shelter and he would have been put down. Some say we saved him, but I think it might be the other way around. Where therapy failed over the last few months, Zipper succeeded.

  He ran through the house full speed, using the front door as a backboard before bounding back toward us.

  William chuckled, watching Zipper run another lap before smacking my ass playfully as he motioned toward the door. If it weren’t such an important dinner, I likely would have continued my teasing until he gave up and let me stay home with him. As it was, we were expected to meet with his sister and my mom — neither of who we saw much anymore.

  The drive to the restaurant was short, but I stared out the window the entire time. Even though we’d lived in Savannah for over a year, I still marveled at how beautiful the town was. There was so much history, but more than that — life. Every square of the city buzzed with beauty and excitement.

  Still, any time I was quiet, the noise in my head would creep in. I’d come a long way in the two years since everything happened, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever truly move on and forget. Therapy had helped, in the beginning at least, but I realized after a while that the only person I wanted to talk to about everything was William. He knew me better than I even knew myself. And so we leaned on each other, in the good times and the bad, and our foundation that had once been cracked and breaking was rebuilt slowly and steadily. It was stronger than ever now.

  William’s hand gently squeezing my knee brought my attention back inside the car. He knew when I drifted, but just feeling his skin on mine would bring me back to the moment — back to him. “I have some exciting news.”

  I arched a brow. “Yeah?”

  He nodded, the cutest smirk quirking at the corner of his lips. “I applied for a summer job a while back. I didn’t want to say anything to you because I figured with all the competition at school, I probably wouldn’t get it. But… well… I did.”

  I smiled, wrinkling my nose. “And… what are you doing?”

  William chewed his lip. “You know how Bradley Schumaker from Food Network is the guest chef at that little Italian restaurant downtown?”

  “Oh my God… are you?”

  He nodded again, this time a huge smile lighting up his face. It was the kind that still had the power to knock the breath from my chest. “I’m going to be one of his cooks.”

  “William!” I wrapped my hand around the one he had on my knee and squeezed. “That’s amazing!” I shook my head, overwhelmed with pride. The man I’d met that summer two years ago had absolutely zero confidence in his cooking. The man beside me now was almost finished with his culinary degree and was going to be cooking all summer with one of the hottest chefs in the industry.

  He shrugged. “Just trying to keep up with my all-star girlfriend.”

  “I hardly think working at the art museum qualifies as all-star. Or compares to what you’ll be doing in any way.”

  “They’re asking you to curate and you’re still in school, Bug. And your photos are the first to sell any time you let them display them. Stop selling yourself short.”

  I blushed. “Confidence is still a work in progress for me.”

  “I know. That’s why I’m always here to remind you.” He threw me a wink just as we pulled into the quaint seafood restaurant where Mom had asked us to meet her and Lana. William parked our small Camry and ran around to open my door, extending one hand to help me out. It wasn’t the Rover or a Corvette, but it was ours — we had both worked hard for it. And for that reason alone, I was proud every time I rode inside it.

  I couldn’t help but stare at William as we walked toward the front door. His chestnut hair was carefully styled, his suit crisp, and the slight stubble on his chin made it look like he didn’t even try too hard to look that way. His bright green eyes were happy — the happiest I’d ever seen them. He hardly ever scowled anymore, the expression so rare that I almost forgot what it looked like at all. Nowadays, he always wore the most comfortable smile.

  It completed his outfit.

  Before we’d even reached the table, Mom was up and out of her seat, wrapping me in a crushing hug. I embraced her, laughing a little when she pulled back swiping at the wetness on her cheeks.

  “Oh heavens, I’ve missed you so much, sweetie.”

  “I’ve missed you, too, Mom.” She looked good — incredible, actually. Her long blonde hair was tied up into an elegant updo and her eyes were free from the dark circles they’d worn for so long after the incident with Dale. She seemed to be happy. I hoped she truly was.

  “No but really, she’s missed you. I think I know your whole life now. She talks about you every night,” Lana said with a smile, wrapping me in a light hug. “Good to see you, Natalie. You look amazing.”

  “Thank you, so do you.” We shared a smile before taking our seats at the table. A waiter placed our napk
ins in our laps and left us with menus after we placed our drink order.

  “So, how was today’s tour stop?” I asked, eying Lana as she texted away on her phone. A smile was plastered on her face and I didn’t need more than one guess as to who she was texting. She and Officer Martino had been shy about their relationship at first, unsure of it just like Rhodes and I in the beginning. But there was no denying it now.

  “So good,” Mom answered. “I feel like we’re really making a difference in some of these young ladies’ lives. It’s like while we’re speaking, I look out at them, and I can tell which ones have gone through something. I can’t explain it, but you can see it in their eyes. They’re listening — they want to know their options.”

  “It’s terrifying, in a way,” Lana added, tucking her phone back in her clutch.

  Mom nodded. “It is. But that’s what reminds me why we do this.” They shared a knowing smile and William found my hand under the table, giving it a soft squeeze.

  After the trial, Lana and Mom became really close. It was interesting, since they were on two very opposite sides of what happened with Dale, but they really seemed to help each other cope. They decided to write a book together and, mostly because of the popularity of Dale’s case nation-wide, it sold tremendously. Now, they were booked through December with tour stops all over the country speaking to high schools, colleges, women’s groups and more. They were signing and selling books and telling their story, giving other women hope and strength to fight through their own situations. It was actually quite incredible.

  “How have you two been? How’s school?”

  William told them about his new summer job and I filled them in on the latest projects at the museum. It was finals week at school and I was going to take the summer off to focus on curating and honing in on my own skills. I was looking forward to the months off, especially since it meant more time with William.

  “Is Willow still coming to visit you this summer?”

  I grinned. “Yeah, she flies in next week. She’s supposedly bringing her flavor of the semester with her, so this should be interesting.” Willow was the only friend I still kept in contact with from Poxton Beach. Mason had checked on me after everything happened, but once he left for college and I left for Savannah, we lost contact completely. In a way, I preferred it like that. Poxton Beach was in my past — just where I wanted it.

  Mom and William laughed as the waiter refilled our glasses. Lifting hers high in the air, Mom cleared her throat. “A toast,” she said. We all lifted our glasses to join hers in unison. “To survival. And healing. And family.”

  “Cheers,” we all sang together. I clinked my glass with Lana’s and Mom’s first before ending with William’s. He held my gaze for a moment, and his eyes spoke more words than any toast could. The love I felt from those two jade irises astounded me sometimes.

  As we sipped from our glasses, I couldn’t help but think about all the amazing things that had come from such a horrific experience. Dale was finally paying for the pain he’d caused so many women to suffer, William had his sister back in his life, my mom had finally found something she was passionate about, and I was following a dream I’d had no confidence in before.

  Maybe everything really does happen for a reason.

  I thought about that more as we drove home, the radio playing softly as William ran his thumb along the bare skin on my knee. We were both quiet, reflective, and I realized that in a way, I kind of had Mason to thank for bringing me to him. If he hadn't been my first boyfriend, my first heartbreak, I may have never found the courage or the motivation to take that first step into the Poxton Beach Country Club. And I surely never would have known what waited for me behind its doors.

  Or rather, who.

  Zipper jumped on me as soon as William unlocked the door to our apartment. His large paws connected with my shoulders and I braced myself against the wall in the foyer, kicking off my heels as he licked at my face. This was our routine, and it always made me smile.

  “Hey, Zip. Missed you too, bud.”

  He dropped back down to the floor and sat, patiently waiting as William shrugged off his suit jacket and slung it over one of our dining room chairs before grabbing Zipper’s leash.

  “I’m going to walk him real quick and I’ll be back,” he said, leaning in to kiss my cheek. He lingered there for just a moment, kissing up to my ear before whispering, “Don’t get too undressed before I get back.”

  I shivered, biting my lip as he pulled back with a wink and led Zipper out the door.

  Tossing my clutch on the kitchen table, I grabbed my heels off the floor and slowly walked back to our bedroom, stomach full and eyes heavy from the night. I trailed my fingers along the wall of photos that lined the hallway, each frame filled with a memory of William and I. The first photo we’d ever taken together was there, the one we’d snapped that evening after he took me for the first time. It sat in the middle, surrounded by new memories, everything from our lazy Sunday picnics in the park and sweaty after-gym selfies to dressed-up nights at the gallery and adventures with Zipper.

  A smile tugged at my lips as I dropped my heels into the bottom of our closet and unfastened my earrings. I didn’t even get the second one out before I heard the front door open and close, followed by a stampede of paws as Zipper ran wild once again. I tossed his bone onto his bed near the foot of ours and he flopped down happily, gnawing away with his tail still wagging.

  “Let me help with that,” William murmured, sliding up behind me before moving the hair off my neck. His hand found the zipper at the back of my dress and he slowly guided it down, planting small kisses on my neck as he trailed it lower. I slipped out of the fabric, letting it hit the floor before turning and hooking my arms around his neck.

  William’s eyes raked over me slowly and he shook his head. “You’re so beautiful.”

  I smiled. “Thank you.”

  I didn’t have to fight hard to believe him anymore.

  I half-expected him to take me right then and there, but he let me go long enough for each of us to dress in our pajamas before we crawled between our sheets. Only William’s bedside lamp illuminated the room as he propped himself on one elbow, eyes pensive.

  “What are you thinking about over there?” I asked, quirking a brow. He ran his free hand through my hair with a lazy grin before swallowing hard.

  “I got you something.”

  He rolled, opening the small drawer on his bedside table before shutting it again softly. When he turned back to me, he held a box I recognized — the one my watch had come in when he gave it to me two years ago at the club.

  “You know my watch still works, right?” I asked with a smile, propping myself up against the pillows. “I just ran the battery down. Again.”

  William held the box out anyway and I took it, eying him curiously as I opened it. When I looked down again, it wasn’t a watch at all.

  “Oh my God,” I breathed, eyes snapping to William. “What is this?”

  It was a stupid question because I knew what it was. It was a ring — a beautiful ring, slender and gold with an eternity symbol that linked two tiny hearts together. My eyes flicked between it and William over and over.

  “It’s a promise,” he finally said, reaching out to grab the box from my shaking hands. He removed the ring, setting the box to the side before his eyes found mine again. “That I’m here. That I’ll always be here, through your dark times and your light, shouldering whatever weight you can’t carry on your own. It’s a promise that I’ll always help you feel beautiful when you don’t on your own, that I’ll hold you when you need to cry and spin you in my arms when you need to celebrate.” We both laughed a little, tears brimming my eyes at the memory of him doing just that in the middle of the gym the day I hit my goal weight. “And one day, when we’re ready, I’ll replace it with a ring that promises forever, even though you don’t need it — not really. Because the truth is that you’ve had me since the day we met, and you alr
eady have my forever… if you want it.”

  He held the ring out, eyes on mine, waiting. But I didn’t hesitate. I extended my hand, fingers spread wide, and he slipped it over the knuckle of the ring finger on my right hand with a sigh.

  “Do you even have to ask?” I slid my hand into his, index finger pressing against the small tattooed circle on the inside of his wrist. He did the same, finding the matching circle on my wrist as I whispered what we both knew all along. “I want all of you, William.”

  He answered me with a kiss, his hands finding my hair as he rolled over, my thighs framing his strong middle as he pressed me into the sheets. Sometimes he still kissed me like it hurt him, like he was afraid he’d hurt me, and this was one of those times. But eventually, the crease between his brows faded, each new touch and kiss erasing it slowly. He kissed me until I felt beautiful and I kissed him until he felt worthy, and we never cared how long it took to get us there.

  I’ve always hated weight.

  Before I met William, I hated the weight that crowded my body, making me feel inadequate in every aspect of my life. Then, when I first started training with him, he pushed me harder than anyone ever had. Whenever I thought I was finally rising to meet his standards, he would add more weight to my set, making me work harder, forcing me to find the motivation to push through.

  And maybe that’s the thing about weight — though it hurts when we feel its added pressure on our lives, it only makes us stronger in the end. Looking at William now, I couldn’t imagine him without the weight that had shaped him. His past made him into the man I loved — no matter how scarred. He was the man who fixed me, who changed me, and who helped me carry my own weight when it grew too heavy to handle on my own.

  I was beginning to realize that weight really wasn’t a bad thing, after all.

  Want more of Natalie and Rhodes? Read a bonus epilogue here.