The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  I desperately wished I had a bathtub, because all I wanted to do was run a long, hot bath and soak for hours — in the water and in my thoughts.

  I couldn’t believe Jamie remembered so much about me. About us. And it somehow brought me more comfort than anything because I remembered, too. It turned out a Whiskey stain was just as permanent as ink, and I wondered if I would ever truly wash myself clean.

  Or if I even wanted to.

  Chapter Six

  Aftertaste

  “B, WAKE UP.”

  “Mmmm,” I murmured, reaching out to hit snooze on the alarm clock that was saying my name. My hand found a warm, hard body, and I tugged at the t-shirt wrapped around it. “Sleep.”

  There was a chuckle, and my eyes flitted open, my room still dark save for the night light I had plugged in.

  “Come on. We should get going if we want to catch the morning surf.”

  Jamie.

  My hand retracted backward and I threw the covers off, confused.

  “How did you get in here?” I grabbed my phone next. 5:35 AM.

  “You let me in, goofball. I called you.”

  “What?” I scrolled through my call log and sure enough, his name was there, not even five minutes earlier. “I’m so confused.”

  Jamie sat on the edge of my bed and I suddenly wished I had the comforter still. I was dressed in nothing but boy shorts and a crop t-shirt. “You let me in. Then you grabbed my hand and pulled me back here before crawling back into bed.”

  “Oh my God.” My hand found my forehead with a smack and Jamie chuckled again. I loved that sound. The throatiness of it.

  “Relax. You’re just tired. We can do this another time, if you want to rest.”

  “No,” I said quickly, scooting past him. I grabbed my bathing suit from the top drawer of my dresser, not even bothering to hide my ass in the tiny shorts I was wearing since apparently I’d already paraded it around that morning. “Give me a sec to change.”

  “You don’t have to, we can—”

  “I want to. I’ve been here almost two months now and still haven’t surfed. And that’s one of the biggest reasons I wanted to come to California, anyway.”

  Jamie nodded, standing from his perch on the bed and grabbing my surfboard from where it leaned against my closet. “Alright, then. Go get dressed. I’m parked in the G Lot.”

  He tugged my board up between his arm and ribs and I held the door for him to exit before excusing myself into the bathroom I shared with Marie.

  Plopping down on the toilet, I forced three, long breaths. I was excited to go surfing, but being woken up by Jamie in such close proximity and me in so little clothing had my blood pumping. I decided not to think too much on it, changing quickly and brushing my teeth before jogging out the door to Jamie’s Jeep. It was a sight I missed, both of our boards attached to the top of it, and Jamie waiting inside, window down, smile on his face as the sky just barely broke with the first light-blue hues of daylight.

  Today would be a good day.

  “What’s that?” Jamie asked, eying my old simple bathing suit I was wearing under my t-shirt and shorts.

  “My swim suit?”

  He chuckled. “You’re going to freeze. Do you have a wetsuit?” I shook my head and he kicked the Jeep into drive. “Alright then, that will be our first stop.”

  The conversation on the way to the beach was easy, mostly Jamie telling me about his favorite surfing spots he’d found since he’d been there. He was taking me to Windansea, which was insane in itself considering how many times I’d heard about it from watching pro surfing on TV. It wasn’t that I was obsessed with watching surf, because surfing was always more of a personal release for me, but I did catch it from time to time. And Windansea was often mentioned as home turf for big-time surfers.

  My phone pinged with a text from Ethan just as we arrived at the beach, my brand new wetsuit folded across my lap and waiting for me to slip into it. Jamie hopped out of the Jeep quickly to get to work on taking our boards down while I stared, wondering what to say back.

  — Hey, just tried to surprise you with breakfast in bed. Where are you? —

  I thumbed out a response, but debated the last part. Deciding against adding who I was with, I stuck to just answering his question.

  — Decided to finally check out the surf. Call you when I’m back on campus? —

  — Sounds like a plan. I wanna take my girl to dinner. —

  I smiled.

  — I’d like that. —

  — Then it’s a date. Have fun out there! —

  I tucked my phone into the pocket on my beach bag and sighed, feeling a strange pang of guilt twist in my stomach. I wasn’t doing anything wrong by surfing with Jamie, so then why did I feel inclined to keep his name out of my answer to Ethan?

  “Ready?” Jamie popped up beside me, opening the passenger side door wide as I hopped out. And that’s when it hit me.

  I was about to surf the waves in California.

  My smile felt too big for my face as I picked up my board from where it leaned against Jamie’s Jeep. “Let’s do this.”

  We made our way down to the beach, which was mostly rock and looked nearly vacant as the sun rose behind us. There were a few surfers already out in the water, but it was nowhere near as crowded as the beaches back home would have been. Then again, it was October, and we were early. I imagined it’d fill up soon enough.

  Jamie and I wasted no time, dropping our bags near a small surf shack and pulling on our wetsuits. It felt weird to me at first, but the minute my toes touched the icy water, I was instantly thankful for the coverage. I hissed, stepping back at first, and Jamie laughed.

  “Told you you’d freeze.”

  Thankfully, the sun was already starting to warm the air around us, and the cold water wasn’t enough to keep me from one of my dreams — surfing in California.

  The minute I laid my board down and climbed on, strap around my ankle and arms on each side ready to paddle, I instantly felt at home.

  “God, I’ve missed this,” I whispered.

  “Me too,” Jamie answered, but he wasn’t on his board yet. He was staring at me, instead. I sat up, straddling my board, and smiled back at him. His hair had grown out a bit since I’d arrived on campus, and in that moment — in the water, climbing onto his board — he felt like my Jamie.

  I learned a lot about myself that day. Like that no matter how big my mouth was, it was tougher surfing in California than I thought. Not that I couldn’t do it, because I did, but paddling out wasn’t as easy as it was in Florida, and the waves were bigger here, which meant adjusting my knowledge on when to catch them and how to ride. I got the hang of it soon enough, and Jamie and I caught wave after wave all morning and well into the early afternoon.

  Still, we had to take a lot of breaks. My stamina was sad compared to what it had been in the Florida surf. But Jamie had packed us a lunch, so we spent a lot of time on the beach, laughing and soaking up the sun — which I was the most grateful for. I hadn’t expected the water to be as cold as it was, and that combined with the intensity of the surf was exhausting in the best way.

  We slowed down after lunch, taking our time, sitting side by side on our boards and talking between catching waves. When the sun was high in the sky and the waves more crowded, I knew we needed to head back to campus so I could get ready for my date with Ethan. I didn’t want to leave the waves, but then again I knew they’d be here, and I hoped Jamie would want to bring me out again soon.

  “Next time, we should check out the Imperial Beach Pier. It’s a little more crowded, but fun. We can grab lunch after, too. Lots of great fish joints.”

  “I’d love that,” I answered honestly before sighing. “I don’t want to leave, but we should head back.”

  “Aw, you tired? California waves too much for you?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I have a date with Ethan tonight,” I said, turning to Jamie then. I don’t know why I expected some sort of rea
ction from him, because I found nothing.

  “Oh. Okay. Well let’s catch one last wave then.” He smiled, falling forward on his board before paddling out.

  And that was it.

  It felt a little surreal as we made the hike back up the boardwalk to where we’d parked. I had finally surfed in California, and the day had rushed by so quickly I almost forgot to take it in. So, after we loaded up the boards and Jamie tossed on a t-shirt, I walked back over to the top of the boardwalk and gazed out over the waves, watching the surfers ride them in.

  I was shivering still, even with my wetsuit abandoned in the Jeep and a light sweater thrown over my bathing suit. My curls were big and frizzy from the salt water as they blew in the sea breeze around me, blocking my vision from time to time and reminding me of home.

  I felt Jamie slide up beside me and we both rested our elbows on the rail, eyes on the water.

  “I can’t believe we’re in California.”

  Jamie smiled. “Together.”

  I squinted against the sun as I turned toward him, my sunglasses still in the car. “Thank you for today, Jamie. Yesterday, too.”

  “We’re just getting started,” he answered, and I felt those words in my core. We’re just getting started.

  We stood there a moment, both of us silent, and then he leaned against the railing with an easy smile again.

  “By the way, I have to ask. How come you left the push up bra at home? I was kind of looking forward to seeing you try to surf in it.”

  I nudged him, eyes narrowed. “It was a pool party, okay? I needed something a little more showy than my surf tops that make me look like a boy.” I glanced down at the top I was wearing beneath the mesh sweater, a black and lime green halter that matched my board and made me look as flat as one.

  “Oh, so you were putting on a show that night, huh?”

  “Well, you see, someone had been ignoring me,” I teased back. “So I needed to find a way to get some attention.” I scrunched my nose, tongue between my teeth. I loved bantering with Jamie, but hated the way my stomach dropped right along with his smile as a more serious tone set in around us.

  There it was — that signature stare from Jamie. The way it combined with the sunlight burned my skin, and suddenly I wasn’t shivering anymore.

  “You don’t look like a boy, for the record,” Jamie said, his voice low again.

  I laughed, not believing him, but then he stepped closer and his hand weaved into my salty hair. I stopped laughing. I stopped breathing.

  “And I wasn’t ignoring you. I was avoiding you. I was trying to stay away.” He swallowed, his eyes holding mine before flicking to my mouth and back as his other hand slid up to mirror the first, framing my face. “I was trying to stop myself from doing this.”

  He pulled me into him and before I could register it all, his lips were on mine.

  And my world tilted, taking me with it.

  Jamie had held his breath on that kiss, and for a moment I held mine, too. But when I lifted up on my tip toes, pressing my lips harder against his and fisting my hands in his shirt to pull him even closer, we both exhaled together. Our breaths rushed out around us and Jamie sucked my bottom lip between his teeth, letting it go with a groan as he kissed me again, this time sliding his tongue in to find mine.

  I was spinning, tipsy, teetering on the edge of being wasted on Whiskey. I’d dreamed of kissing Jamie so many times, but nothing could compare to how it really felt — his hands on me, so strong, his mouth skilled and passionate. My legs were weak and he felt it, taking the weight of me in his arms, kissing me like he’d waited his entire life to have the chance.

  “Fuck,” he groaned, pulling back and pressing his forehead against mine. We were both panting, trying to stabilize.

  “Jamie, I—”

  “Have a boyfriend. I know.” He let me go then, pulling back and spinning to face away from me. He ran his hands through his hair roughly and paused, hands still on his head. “Goddamnit. I’m sorry.”

  My heart fell through the boards where we stood and crashed somewhere on the rocks below us. He was sorry. I’d just had the best kiss of my entire life, and he was sorry.

  I watched his back, not knowing what his face looked like, not knowing why it wasn’t until that exact moment that I realized it was me who should be apologizing.

  It was me who had just cheated.

  “We should go,” I whispered, and I didn’t wait for him to respond, just made my way back to his Jeep. I slid inside right away, but Jamie took his time, and when he finally fell into the seat next to mine, he didn’t look my way. He started the Jeep silently, pushed it into gear, and then we drove in silence. No music, no words, just wind.

  My phone rang, startling us both, and Ethan’s name filled the screen when I pulled it from my bag.

  “Hey babe,” I answered. Jamie fisted the steering wheel tighter.

  “Hey, you almost home?”

  “On my way now. Listen, I’m really exhausted, could we maybe go to dinner another night?”

  I felt Ethan’s disappointment through the phone and Jamie looked at me then, brows pinched together.

  “I miss you, B. I haven’t seen you all week. Can I at least come over? I’ll bring a movie and you can fall asleep on my chest, if that’s what you want. I don’t care what we do. I just want to be with you tonight.”

  Tears pooled in my eyes and I blinked rapidly, keeping them at bay. Ethan was the best guy I had ever dated, the guy whom I’d trusted enough to give myself to. He’d cherished my virginity, and he continued to practically worship me every day. He was sweet, he was kind, he had a plan. And for some reason he wanted me to be a part of it. He was everything I could have ever hoped for.

  I was so, so stupid.

  “I miss you, too. Give me an hour and then you can head over.”

  He sighed, and I could see his smile as if I was there with him. “Can’t wait. See you soon.”

  I ended the call just as Jamie pulled onto campus. Jamie parked in G Lot again and when I went to reach for my handle, he locked all the doors.

  “I’m sorry, B.”

  He said the words again, and they burned even more the second time I swallowed them.

  “Ethan is a great guy and he cares about you, and I know you care about him, too. And what I did today was selfish. It was foolish. I’m not sorry I kissed you,” he clarified, and my eyes found his then. “But I’m sorry I did it when you weren’t mine to kiss.”

  I chewed my lip, fighting back the emotions I was feeling. “I’m sorry, too. I think maybe this was a bad idea.”

  “No,” Jamie argued, shaking his head as he turned to face me completely. “Listen, I promise, I won’t pull that shit again. But please, don’t push me away. We can still be friends, B. I don’t want to lose you.” I had a flashback to the night he texted me after our first football game together, the night we went to watch Jenna but watched each other, instead. “Please, let me be your friend.”

  Could we be friends? Could we hang out together like we did in high school now that we had kissed, now that we had crossed that faint line that had always been drawn between us? I wasn’t sure, though the bigger part of me thought I probably didn’t want to know the answer.

  Still, I nodded. The thought of losing him crushed me, too.

  “Okay.”

  Jamie breathed a sigh of relief, but I sat up straighter.

  “But we can’t…. I can’t…” I gestured behind me, back to the beach, back to the kiss.

  “I know.”

  I nodded again, feeling solid in our understanding. “Help me with my board?”

  An hour later, I was freshly showered, lying in my twin bed with my head on Ethan’s chest as we watched a horror film. He held me close, his fingers lightly tracing the hem of my sleep shorts for the first thirty minutes of the movie, and I didn’t tell him about the kiss. I should have, but I didn’t want to hurt him, and at the time, I was still lying to myself, repeating the words Jamie
had said in the car. We could be friends.

  Before long, Ethan was hovering over me, kissing me softly as he moved between my legs. He promised me the world between kisses and I drank him in eagerly, desperate to believe him, to want what I knew I should.

  But the truth was still there, stuffed under my pillow, tucked away in my mind.

  I drank Ethan in that night, every last drop, but when we finished and I rolled to one side, him pulling my back against his chest, I traced my mouth with shaky fingers.

  It was the aftertaste of Whiskey I still felt on my lips.

  Chapter Seven

  Water of Life

  IT TURNED OUT MY fear of not being able to be normal around Jamie was unfounded, or so it seemed at first.

  I avoided Jamie for a few days after the kiss, but when we did eventually hang out again, it was as if it had never happened. Conversation was easy, we saw each other when we could and, even around Ethan, Jamie seemed normal. We went surfing a lot, and since Ethan didn’t like to surf or even be at the beach at all, that was usually mine and Jamie’s time just the two of us. It was fun — we explored new places, tackled new waves, and Jamie even broke in a new board. I, on the other hand, felt like I could never part from mine.

  Jamie was true to his word. He didn’t try to kiss me again. In fact, he’d pulled back completely. It felt like I was more inclined to be the one caught staring or standing too close. Jamie, on the other hand, would keep his distance. He kept conversation at safe levels and every touch between us was nothing but friendly.

  As if to prove he was serious, Jamie even dated — well, I say dated lightly. He never put a title on his escapades with the parade of blondes he had coming in and out of his and Ethan’s apartment, but I received the message loud and clear. I think, looking back, he thought it would solidify his promise he’d made to just be my friend. And it did. But, it also made me question why he’d ever kissed me at all. I looked nothing like those girls. They were all light skinned, curvy, blonde. Clearly it had been a mistake for him, which is why he had apologized so quickly.