Dark Needs

by Maris Black

  All I could do was stutter. “Uh… fuck… that’s not—” Nothing would come out right, and what did it matter anyway? There was no excuse for that being on my screen at all, and it wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t been killing time inappropriately when Mrs. Wilkins, my host mother in the UK, knocked to tell me the car for the airport was early. I had snapped the laptop shut, slid it into a cocoon of clothes in my suitcase, and hurried down to the car. Then the driver sped me away to Heathrow to catch my plane back home, and in all of the excitement I hadn’t considered that the improperly closed tab might come back to haunt me. Curse the headaches I got from looking at a computer screen while flying. If not for that, the little old lady in the polka-dot raincoat who’d pilfered my window seat would have gotten an eyeful of my depravity. Instead it was my brother, whom I would have to look in the eye every day for all of eternity.

  Bain’s expression was one of bewildered amusement. He looked back and forth from me to the screen, as if repeatedly swapping between the two would clarify something for him that even I couldn’t quite work out myself. Then he fell back onto his pillow and stared up at the ceiling. Meanwhile, I got my fingers working enough to navigate to the streaming movie site, hoping I could find something good enough to make Bain forget about what he’d just seen. As if anyone could ever forget that.

  I didn’t even ask him what he wanted to watch. Instead I chose for us, going with his suggestion of a sci-fi theme. It was a B movie about a family that moves to outer space to homestead. It was far enough removed from anything remotely realistic, and the fact that the family didn’t even include sons was a plus. What we needed right now was some good, old-fashioned escapism.

  As the movie started, Bain turned sideways in the bed, angling to get a better look at the screen. I was sitting up with a pillow wedged between my back and the headboard, and Bain’s head was on the bed, nearly touching my hip. He still didn’t speak until the movie had been playing for about twenty minutes, just when I’d begun to suspect he’d never speak to me again.

  “Why were you looking at gay porn?” His question was surprisingly direct, but it was a relief that he’d asked it. Now I had the chance to explain without the awkwardness of having to bring it up myself.

  “I wasn’t.”

  Bain smirked. “Nice try, now spill.”

  “Promise you won’t be mad at me,” I said. When he didn’t reply, I let loose the load of bullshit I’d been perfecting in my head over the last twenty minutes. “I was trying to understand you better. The way you think, the way you see the world. You and I are so alike in almost every way, but we are night and day where sex is concerned. On my last day in England, I was thinking about seeing you again after so much time had passed, and I was nervous. I felt like I was about to meet a stranger, and it hurt, you know? It’s ironic, but I’d never felt farther away from you than right then, when we were about to be reunited. Am I making any sense at all?”

  “So let me get this straight.” He looked up at me with a sarcastic expression that would have been much more at home on my face than his. “You thought that watching a couple of guys go at it would make you feel closer to me?”

  I smiled. “Well, when you put it like that…”

  “That is so sweet,” he said, moving closer. His arm snaked between my butt and the pillow, encircling my body, his fingertips just grazing my hip on the other side. Then he rested his head on my thigh. It was a closeness I had enjoyed almost every day of my life, right up until the day I’d packed my bags and purposely driven a four-thousand-mile wedge between us.

  My muscles tensed in response to his unexpected touch, and I willed them to relax again, vowing for the millionth time to stay strong. To resist the temptation to let the truth spill from my lips. No matter how difficult it was keeping secrets, Bain must never know the truth about me. I had made a promise to myself, and breaking that promise now would mean that an entire year of separation was all for nothing. It was bad enough that I was already feeling the futility of my efforts, suspecting that leaving had only made matters worse.

  “This movie is awful,” I said, pushing away the haunting thoughts that plagued me. I was relieved when my voice sounded casual and didn’t betray me with a waver or a crack. “They should never have tried to do space footage. A prime example of filmmakers who just don’t understand the concept of working with their limitations rather than against them.”

  “I know. I hate it when they try to reach. Know your limitations, bitches.”

  “They should have consulted us first. We could have told them.”

  His arm tightened around my hips. “Hey, are we going to be doing all of our film projects together? Do you think the professors will allow it?”

  “They’d better. You and I are a team. I don’t plan on ever doing any films without you in real life, so it makes sense that we do all of our studies together, as well.” I looked down at him, noticing how vulnerable and uncertain he looked in his fetal-like position. “We’re going to do it, Bain. We’re going to go to Hollywood, we’re going to make all of our whacked-out ideas into movies, and we’re going to win awards someday. I feel it in my heart.”

  “I believe it, then.” He looked up at me in a way that gutted me, like I was some kind of fucking hero, and reached up to rub the left side of my chest. “You’ve always had a very perceptive heart, even if I’m the only one who knows it.”

  “You do realize that’s my nipple you’re massaging, not my heart, right?” My voice sounded low and breathy, a far cry from the playful tone I’d been going for.

  Bain snatched his hand back with a scowl and focused on the movie once again, clearly mortified.

  “I do have very perceptive nipples,” I added with a saucy raise of my eyebrows that he couldn’t even see, but my attempt to salvage the moment crashed and burned.

  Bain tried to smile, but I could tell his mood had changed— all because of my stupid nipple comment. Dammit, why did things have to be so awkward between us now? It was as if we were riding one of those playground see-saws. When I was up, he was down. When he was up, I was down. We were back and forth between sappy and sarcastic, happy and sad, and I figured it was only a matter of time before one of us jumped off of the see-saw and let the other one crash.

  While I zoned out on the bad movie and obsessed over my own negative thoughts, Bain fell asleep with his head on my thigh. When he started to snore quietly, I pushed my fingertips into his hair and gave him the stealthiest head massage ever. What a weird fucking life. My fierce protectiveness of my brother was the source of both my greatest joy and my greatest agony, and I couldn’t even share it with anyone. Both the blessing and the burden were mine alone.

  CHAPTER 6

  (BAIN)

  THE FIRST two weeks at Otranto consisted mostly of getting to know the other students and working in our core classes. I was disappointed that we didn’t get to do any hands-on film work, but Gavin and I made up for it by filming silly skits in our room. Without each other for inspiration, he and I had all but retired our cameras over the past year, so it was nice to get back to doing what we loved the most.

  Leo cornered us outside our dorm room after supper one evening. He was barefoot and wearing nothing but a pair of red-and-blue plaid pajama pants, the tie of which he distractedly wound around one finger. His breath smelled faintly of alcohol when he said, “You two are going to be a lot of fun this weekend.”

  “I beg your pardon,” Gavin cocked his head and moved forward just enough to suggest aggression.

  Leo took a step back, still smiling and showing gleaming perfect teeth. “Initiation, my friend. Hasn’t anyone warned you about it? It’s the one night for our potential new members to prove they’ve got what it takes to be in the Coven. Every candidate has to take part, even the sons of famous writers. We’re all about equality, and that means no one is exempt no matter how important they think they are.”

  I shook my head and laughed. “No, thanks. We hate to buck tradition,
but we’re going to have to pass on the initiation thingy. Gavin and I have a Stanley Kubrick marathon planned for that night.” It was a lie, but not a bad idea.

  “I see.” Leo turned to Drake, who had ghosted up behind him. “The Murphy twins think they’re too good to do the same thing the rest of us had to do.”

  Drake snickered. “They won’t think they’re so special when they’re eating their own vomit, or whatever interesting things we come up with for them to do.”

  I groaned. “Why do I feel like we’re in a bad eighties movie? What do you think, Gav? James Spader in the role of Leo?”

  Gavin’s eyes lit up. “Perfect. James Spader was the quintessential spoiled narcissist. And Drake would be…” He snapped his fingers and feigned deep thought. “Shit, I can’t think of his name. You know, the character actor who always played the disposable sidekick.”

  “There were a lot of those,” I said. “Nobody cared what their names were.”

  “Very funny,” Drake said, his smile replaced by his usual mean mug. “You guys should have skipped Otranto and gone to comedy school instead.” After that comment, he chickened out of the conversation and went back down the hall toward his room, which was a good idea because Drake trying to engage in a battle of wits with us was like bringing a knife to a gun fight. At least he had sense enough to know that.

  Gavin took Drake’s exit as a cue to get away from Leo. He unlocked our door and ducked inside, leaving it open for me. I had every intention of following, but Leo grabbed my arm and stayed me.

  “Bain, don’t try to be a bad boy like your brother. Everyone is expected to participate.” He leaned in close to my face and whispered. “I’m tempted to play favorites with you, but that wouldn’t be fair.”

  “Favorites?” I glanced into the room looking for Gavin, but he had disappeared, presumably into the closet to change clothes or to get a towel for the shower.

  “Yeah, favorites. As class president, leader of the Coven, and head RA of the male dorm, I have certain expectations on me. How would it look if I treated you differently than the others?”

  “I don’t know. I just feel uncomfortable engaging in—”

  “Social situations? I’ve noticed that about you.”

  I let out a nervous laugh. “Actually, I was going to say barbaric social conformity rituals.”

  Leo reached out and placed a hand on the side of my neck, the warm pad of his thumb resting lightly on my carotid artery. “You say the cutest things. It’s no wonder Raven has a crush on you.”

  “She does?” I couldn’t help sounding surprised, because that was a hundred percent news to me. “She was a little flirty the night of the welcome party, but I just figured it was because she was lit. We’ve barely spoken since.”

  “So do you like her?” Leo asked. “She’s one of the hottest girls at Otranto, and she happens to be single at the moment.”

  I looked down at the floor, my mind racing. Was this the moment I should come out? I hadn’t planned on spending my time at Otranto hiding in the closet, but now that the first opportunity had presented itself, I was floundering.

  “So?” Leo pressed. “What do you think? Hot or not?”

  “Ummm…” I opened my mouth to say I’m gay, but instead I said, “Not.” Then I scrambled to recover from what sounded suspiciously like an insult. “I mean, she a pretty girl and all, but I don’t…”

  “Like girls?” Leo supplied with a knowing smirk. His thumb moved against my artery in a gentle caress. “That’s what I thought.”

  Suddenly Gavin appeared in the doorway, looking positively murderous. The look he sent Leo made my heart skip a beat.

  “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are,” he growled at Leo. “But if you don’t get your hand off of my brother, we’re going to have a problem.”

  How could my brother manage to look so threatening and so damn hot at the same time? And why did it affect me the way it did? It almost made me hope Leo would be stupid and test his boundaries. The thought of him facing off with Leo gave me the strongest, most baffling flutter in the pit of my stomach. I knew Gavin, and if Leo pushed him hard enough, there was no doubt he would make good on his threat.

  Leo snatched his hand away and took a step back. The way his alpha superiority evaporated in the presence of my brother’s wrath was a sight to behold. I fucking loved it.

  “Chill out, Gavin,” he said. “Jesus Christ, you’re touchy.”

  A smile ghosted Gavin’s lips. “Keep pushing. I’d love to show you just how touchy I can be.”

  Gavin motioned me into the room with a little snap of his head, and watched me all the way in. Then he slammed the door behind us and locked it. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing letting that guy touch you like that? He’s a tool, and now tomorrow it’ll be all over school that Bain Murphy is a queer.”

  I crossed my arms and leaned my back against the door, hemmed in by Gavin. “So what if they know? It’s true.”

  Gavin slammed his palm against the door right by my head. “That’s not the point. You don’t want to be outed by that prick. He was baiting you into telling him what he wanted to know. You need to come out on your terms, not his.”

  “He wasn’t—”

  “Yes, hell, he was. I was listening to everything he said.” His eyes softened a bit, and he dropped his voice, the tone intimate and concerned. “He baited you, baby. Please don’t let him fuck with your head.”

  He’d never called me baby before, and the way it made me feel… God, it was like a million butterflies had been released into my belly. But he hadn’t meant anything by it, not like I wanted him to, so I bowed up at him to cover my own reaction. To disguise the need that must have been apparent on my face. “I am not a baby, Gavin. I’m as much of a man as you are.”

  “Fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair and stalked away. When he came back to stand beside me, his expression was contrite. “I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from. It’s just that my protective instincts kick in when I see someone trying to manipulate you.”

  “Manipulate me?” That comment did actually did make me angry, and I drew up a little taller. “Fuck you, Gavin. It sounds like you think I’m weaker than you. Why does everyone think that? Gavin is the strong one, and Bain is the weak one. I’m so sick of it I could scream. I’m not some helpless little child who doesn’t know when to come in out of the rain.”

  He wrapped his arms around me then, enfolding me in his warmth, and against my will I responded to it. My muscles went lax, and I nuzzled right into his neck, letting him coddle me like a little child. God, how could he always do that to me? I groaned, not only because it felt so damn good, but because my body was proving that I was indeed the weak one even as my brain fought against the notion.

  Gavin didn’t miss the groan. I could tell because he squeezed me tighter in response, running one hand up my back and burying his fingers in my hair. “Baby, baby…” he said, his voice low and tender. “I didn’t mean it like that.” His fingertips pressed into my scalp, and the pressure pulled my face even more snugly to him. I flattened my lips against the side of his neck and took a deep, shuddering breath.

  And then I did something I shouldn’t have. It wasn’t my fault, though. It was those damn butterflies, and the nearness of hot male flesh. It was the gentle scrub of stubble against my skin, and the intoxicating scent of body wash and man. It was instinct. That fucking instinct that was almost impossible to fight when Gavin was so close to me.

  My eyes fluttered closed, my arms went around his waist, and suddenly I was kissing Gavin’s throat. My lips parted, and my tongue touched his skin, the slightly salty flavor muddling my brain. I was lost to the sensations, my mind spinning off into that dark and forbidden place, making me feel things I knew I shouldn’t be feeling. Before my mind even registered what was happening, Gavin pushed away from me and went to sit on his bed, wide-eyed and still as stone. I couldn’t tell if it was embarrassment, anger, or disgust that ha
d him so messed up, but none of the choices were good.

  Heat suffused my cheeks. Oh my God, what had I done? It was illogical and humiliating, and since there were no words to excuse it, I decided the best course of action would be to act like nothing had happened. Maybe if I didn’t acknowledge it, Gavin would think it had just been an involuntary twitch, or even his own imagination.

  “Wanna watch a movie?” I asked in a shaky voice, trying to forget the feel of his skin against my lips. The flavor of him. The fact that my tongue had just gotten the first taste of my own fucking brother.

  He shrugged. “I don’t care. Pick something.”

  I rushed to my desk and opened my laptop. “How about starting that Stanley Kubrick marathon I just lied to Leo about? We haven’t seen A Clockwork Orange in ages, and I’m in the mood for a bit of the old ultraviolence.” I used one of the original slang words from the movie, knowing it was one of Gavin’s favorites to quote. If anything could get his attention, that would.

  “Actually, I watched it recently with a couple of friends in England.”

  “Never mind.” I wasn’t in the mood to be reminded of Gavin’s other life. “Let’s watch Lolita. It’s not one of our favorites, but I heard Kubrick has a cameo in it. I’ve been meaning to watch it again to see if I can spot him.”

  “Hmmm… I did not know that.” Gavin stood up and paced, seeming distracted and jittery. I tensed every time he came near me, expecting something but not quite sure what. He finally stopped pacing in the center of the room, arms crossed, and stared through the window at the faded evening sky.