The Finish

by Jade Eby

"Marriage. You're only eighteen. You've got your whole life ahead of you, Tawny."

  Ah, Carter wasn't lying. Word for freaking word.

  "Listen Mrs. Rudish. I know it's your job or whatever to make sure my grades and stuff are okay. But I don't really see how being engaged is any of your business."

  She sits up a little straighter. Her cheeks redden. "You're right, it's not. And perhaps I'm overstepping my boundaries here a bit, but I know you and your… situation. Things haven't always been easy for you. I want to make sure you're not making a mistake that could hurt your chances at a full, robust life."

  Her claims that she knows my situation are laughable. She knows very little of my life and probably even less about Carter's.

  Before I can chime in, she starts in again. "What about college? Have you sent out any applications? What are your plans for the future?"

  And this is prime evidence why she doesn't know me at all. College? As if I could afford a single class. And what would I go for, basket weaving? It's no secret that the rich kids are the ones that go to college. Get pretty degrees on a worthless piece of paper so they can continue to bring in money like their parents.

  Of course, I don't say that to Mrs. Rudish.

  "I'm thinking of going to community college in the cities before transferring. More cost-effective, you know?"

  Lies. All fucking lies. I don't know what I'm going to do the minute I get out of this hell-hole. Find a job that pays me enough to get out of this town with Carter. He's already talking about the jobs he could have lined up. I'm not worried.

  Mrs. Rudish's smile extends across her face. "That's great, Tawny. I'm so glad to hear you're going to be pursuing higher education. I really think you can do amazing things. What are you thinking of going for?"

  I hesitate. What would I go for if I could actually afford it? I'm not good at anything.

  "I… haven't decided. I want to keep my options open."

  Her smile falters. "Well, if you need any help, we have career aptitude tests designed to help you figure out potential career paths. Perhaps you'd like to take one home?"

  Just take what she's offering and get the hell out of here. A small part of me is interested in what this test could tell me, anyway.

  "Oh. Sure," I say.

  She digs through her filing cabinet and pulls out a packet of papers. Hands them to me.

  "Thanks."

  "It's my pleasure. Are you sure there's nothing else I can help you with? Anything you want to talk about?"

  "No. I think I'm good."

  She stares at me for a few seconds too long. Her doe-like-eyes bore into mine and I shift uncomfortably in my seat.

  "Okay, well. I think we're done here. You know my door is always open, right?"

  I stand up and nod. I have two more months left in this godforsaken place. Doubt I'll need to use her door the rest of my life.

  "Have a good day, Tawny."

  Now that this is over, it will be.

  June - 2000

  "This is a disaster," I say, closing the door to the dressing room.

  "You just haven't found the right one yet," Carter says.

  I graduate from South Water High in two weeks and I'm scrambling to find a dress.

  One that Carter offered to pay for. I wasn't going to bother even walking, but he convinced me that I would regret it if I didn't.

  "I don't know why I let you even talk me into this." I shimmy into a pink summer style dress that I would never pick out on my own. This is one of Carter's. "I hate everyone at that damn school. It's a waste of time. All we're getting is our stupid piece of paper, anyway."

  "I want to see you watch across that stage, Tawny. You deserve it."

  I laugh. "That doesn't make sense. By that logic, everyone getting a diploma deserves it."

  He doesn't refute my logic. Sometimes, I think I surprise him with my rebuttals.

  "Just come out and show me," he says.

  I look in the mirror. The dress completely washes me out. I'm pale and freckled. The pink dress against my skin makes it look nude.

  When I step out of the dressing room, Carter wrinkles his nose. "No."

  "Told you. I hate pink."

  "Stop being so picky."

  I put my hands on my hips. "Then stop picking ugly dresses. I'm trying on the silver one next."

  The silver dress was my choice. Strapless and long enough to be acceptable graduation clothing. When I put it on, I fall in love. It's simple and yet hugs my curves in all the right ways. It's sexy without being slutty. It's perfect. I look at the price tag. Only eighty dollars. That's nothing for Carter. It's a fortune to me.

  I open the dressing room and smile, twirling around for Carter to see it in all it's perfection. When I meet his eyes he's shaking his head. "Absolutely not."

  "Why not?"

  "Too much skin. You look like you're going out for a night on the town. Not going to a graduation. Do you want everyone to think you're a whore?"

  His words sting. I thought this one was a compromise. Something we'd both like.

  "But I like this one. I think I look nice."

  "Yeah, for a hooker, maybe. Is that the look you're going for?"

  I frown. "Of course not. I don't think this is exactly what a hooker would wear. Didn't Courtney wear something like this to prom? Did she look like a hooker?"

  He clenches his jaw. Red flag #1 that I'm pushing too much. "Courtney isn't my girlfriend. And if I was Grayson, I would have told her to cover up. Her tits were hanging out all night."

  Pick your battles, Tawny. "Fine. I'll put this one back, then."

  "Try on the black one," he says.

  Sighing, I close the dressing room door. None of the dresses Carter picked have been my style. I tried to talk him out of a few, but he wasn't hearing any of it. He'd guilt-trip me into it saying "just try it on for me, please."

  The black dress is a quarter sleeve, lacey thing. High neck line. I slip it on and while it doesn't look bad - it doesn't look like me. It's something a grandma would pick out. I groan and step out of the dressing room.

  Carter's face lights up when he sees it.

  "Yes! That's the one."

  "Really? You don't think I look a little… old?"

  He shakes his head. "Hell no. You look stunning. Turn around again."

  I spin around in slow motion.

  "It's perfect. Classy."

  He senses my displeasure with it. "You don't like it?"

  "I hate it," I say, because I can. Shouldn't I be the one to pick out whatever damn dress I want? This was a mistake.

  He clenches his fists. "Of course you do. It's not sexy enough for you. You want to everyone to look at you and see how pretty you are. You don't even care that you're going to be covered up by a robe."

  Red flag #2. Jesus, I should've just kept my mouth shut. Just appease him and get out of here before he loses his cool.

  "This one is fine. Really. It looks nice. I like it."

  "You're lying."

  "No, really. Now that you mention it, I'll probably be adjusting myself all day in that other dress. This one is perfect. Let's get it."

  He doesn't say anything. Sits back against the chair. I use it as my cue to change out of the sweltering dress and get back into my shorts and t-shirt.

  When I get out of the dressing room, I ask him if he's okay paying for the dress.

  "I told you I would buy it for you, didn't I?"

  "Yes, but I was just —"

  He grabs the dress from me and brings it up to the counter. The cashier thinks it's so cute that he's buying it. I plaster on a fake smile. Oh, yes, it's just so fucking cute to be told what I should wear.

  "She's going to be the most beautiful girl on graduation day," he tells the cashier. She swoons.

  I know he's being sincere and the anger rising in my veins cools off.

  He's so damn good at that.

  She wraps up the dress for me and we leave the store, arm in arm.

  "S
ee, she liked the dress," he says.

  I smile at him. "It's great. Thank you baby," I say, kissing him on the cheek.

  "You're welcome. I wasn't lying, you know."

  "About what?"

  "You being the most beautiful girl there."

  I roll my eyes. "You have to say that, I'm your fiancé. If you didn't think I was the most beautiful girl around, you wouldn't be marrying me."

  He stops walking and grabs my arm. He spins me around so we're face to face. "You don't believe me?"

  The grip on my arm is so tight, it's starting to pinch. "I do believe you. That's what I'm saying. If you didn't think I was beautiful, why would you be with me?"

  He looks me up and down. "There are other things…"

  This makes me blush.

  "Well yeah, but you don't tell people about those."

  "Our secret," he says.

  "Right," I whisper, closing the gap between our mouths. He smells like the perfect mixture of soap and cologne.

  His grip on my arm releases.

  "I love you so much, Tawny," he says.

  "I know. I love you too." I say, meaning every single word.

  We have our obstacles, I know this, but doesn't every couple? This is what marriage is all about - or so I've heard - navigating the rough terrains of mood swings and bad times.

  There's nothing Carter and I can't get through when we're together.

  "What are you thinking about?" he asks.

  I kiss him again before saying, "that I can't wait to graduate so we can start the rest of our lives together."

  He laughs. "It's already started."

  We walk hand in hand to his Jeep and I know he's right. My life really started the day he crossed that damn Dividing Line and right into my sights.

  February - 2001

  Apartment hunting isn't all it's cracked up to be. When Carter and I decided we wanted to move into a place of our own, I couldn't contain the happiness that seemed boundless.

  We were finally doing it. Moving on with our lives. I wouldn't have to deal with my waste-of-a-space mother and absent father and Carter would never have to be hit again. We'd be on our own, just the two of us. Ever since graduation, we've been waiting for this moment.

  I guess that's the way everything is though. Always seems like an easier task before you set off to accomplish it.

  We'd seen at least a dozen apartments and Carter didn't like any of them. Too expensive. Too run-down. Too everything.

  I could have easily settled for a few of them, but he wanted our first place together to be perfect. Just like everything else. He gets ahead of himself, sometimes. Thinking things will just fall into our laps. Maybe because for most everything, it has for him. Other than his fucked-up father, Carter hasn't really wanted for anything.

  But I've wanted for everything my entire life.

  We're driving back to my place, and he's pissy.

  I stare out the window watching the cold, gray landscape pass by. Jesus, it's been a long winter.

  "We'll go out looking again in a couple weeks," he says.

  "Sure."

  "What's the matter?" he asks.

  "Nothing," I say.

  "Obviously something is. I know you."

  I groan. "We saw at least three apartments today that would've worked. The Ridgeview ones were perfect. Spacious, quiet. Just what we need."

  "That one had the most expensive rent. You think money grows on a tree?"

  "I'm not stupid. We could make it work, though. I'd pick up more hours at the grocery store and you could get more work at Ralph's or maybe pick up another job."

  "Oh, I should be the one to pick up another job? Maybe you should get a second or third job, then," he says, his knuckles going white against the steering wheel.

  "Fine. I will, if it means we can get our own place together," I say.

  He pulls into the space beside my trailer.

  "You don't get it. I don't want you to get another job. I don't want you to have to worry about that stuff. I'm the man for Christ's sake. I'll be the one to bring in the money, okay?"

  "That's a little old-school, Carter. I mean, it's 2001. I'm perfectly capable of bringing in money."

  He slaps me across the face, the sting in my cheeks bringing tears to my eyes.

  "Don't mock me. I hate when you do that."

  I caress my cheek and narrow my eyes at him. "And I hate when you do that. You need to stop putting your hands on me instead of using your words."

  "Or what?"

  I unlock my side of the door but he pulls my arm toward him.

  His hand comes up to my cheek. He sighs. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. You know how I get when I'm worked up."

  He's more on edge lately. Something going on at home, I think. I don't ask him questions about his father, anymore. It's a sure-fire way to piss him off. I've learned the off-limits topics and his family fits squarely in that category.

  "I know," I whisper.

  "You know I didn't mean it, right?"

  Sometimes, Carter goes to this place where he's not himself. I don't even think he realizes he does it. His eyes blank out, his expression goes dark. It's like he's possessed by someone else.

  His father.

  "Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have pushed you about it."

  "No, it's my fault. I want everything to be exactly like how we want it. I don't want you to ever worry about money. You've never had that and I want that for you. You know that?"

  I nod. I do know. He tells me all the time. While most of our graduating class are struggling through their first year of college, Carter is working his ass off for me. So I can have the perfect life. He doesn't realize that as long as we're together, it already is perfect.

  "You're right. I'll let you worry about the apartment then. I'll tag along."

  He shakes his head. "That's not what I meant. I want you to be a part of choosing our first place together. Just let me worry about how we're going to do it, okay?"

  "Okay."

  He pushes a stray hair away from my face, runs his thumb over my lips. "God. Those lips always make me want to get into trouble."

  I wipe the stray tears from my face. "Then let's get into trouble."

  "You know I can't. I have to be at work in a half hour."

  "Enough time for a quickie," I say.

  He raises his eyebrows. "Tempting. But no. I better go. Ralph gets pissy when I'm not there early."

  "Yeah, yeah, I know."

  He leans across the middle console and kisses me. "I'll call you later."

  I get out of the car and when he pulls away, he rolls down the window. "I love you."

  "Love you too," I yell back.

  * * *

  The bitter cold is no match for my desire for a cigarette. I wrap myself in my winter gear and sit outside on my front steps, inhaling the menthols I swiped out of mom's purse. It's so easy to steal from her when she leaves shit lying around.

  The wisps of smoke billow out with every exhale. A door shuts and Mr. Mitatoshi steps outside. He glances over and sees me.

  I smile at him. I don't know why. He's never been nice to me.

  He walks toward me. Great. What the hell does he want?

  "You know those things will kill you," he says, his old man voice cracks in the cold.

  "Planning on it," I say. I don't buy into that respect your elders bullshit.

  "Know what else will kill you?"

  Oh, Jesus Christ. Lecturing. I'm nineteen years old, my lecturing time has expired. Doesn't he know the rules?

  "No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me."

  "That boy."

  My heart thuds against my chest.

  "What?"

  "I might be an old man, but I'm not blind young lady. I see the way he talks to you. Pushes you around. And what he did to you in the car? That's not what men do."

  What. The. Hell. Has he been watching me all these years like a dirty old skeezeball? Doesn't he have something better to do wit
h his time? But he has seen it. What Carter's done to me. I'm embarrassed and pissed off. I'm capable of deciding when it's time to leave. I don't need this old geezer deciding for me.

  "You've been spying on me? That's really fucking rude."

  "So is your mouth. It's not spying when you're doing it front of God and everyone. You didn't think someone would notice?"

  "I don't know what you're talking about," I say, inhaling a long drag of my cig.

  "I'm sure that you do. You must know that his anger will only get worse. He may slap you today, but tomorrow it may be worse. I know it's none —"

  "You're right. It's none of your goddamn business. You don't know anything, old man. Go away."

  He steels himself against my words. He doesn't seem to care or notice that I want him to get the fuck away from me.

  "I don't blame you. You haven't had the best role models. But I couldn't stand by any longer and watch him treat you like that without saying anything. There's something evil in that boy, I can feel it."

  "He's not a boy," I say. "And you have no idea what you're talking about. Why don't you just go home now?"

  My cigarette has burned down to a nub. I desperately want another one. To ease the nerves that shake inside of me.

  He's wrong. Carter is not evil. He's a broken man that needs me. Needs my love. I know that with enough love, I can fix everything inside of him that aches to be mended. I just need more time.

  Mr. Mitatoshi stares at me. I stand up, drop my cigarette in the snow.

  "I'm cold and going inside now. Don't bother me again," I tell him.

  "Don't say I didn't warn you," he says, shaking his head. He shuffles back to his house. I wait until his door slams shut before lighting another cigarette.

  His words mean nothing, and yet, my cheek still stings as much as it did when Carter's hand made contact with it.

  July - 2001

  If this was a normal summer, I'd be wearing shorts and a tank-top. Maybe a bikini to lounge out at the beach.

  But this hasn't been a normal summer.

  It's been the summer of trying not to piss Carter off and avoiding his over eager fists.

  This isn't normal for him either. He's under a lot of stress. Ralph's went under and Carter lost his job. The Jeep needed repairs that sucked up our entire savings. Even I chipped in to help save it. I'd been saving for my own car. Our apartment. The wedding and honeymoon. Carter's father started charging rent and no matter how much I tried to get him to move in with me, he refused. I think he's still embarrassed. He'd never say it straight out. But he'd rather waste our money on living with his shit father than suck up his pride.