The Finish

by Jade Eby

  There's not a whole lot of people that call me these days. Mostly Monica in a panic-ridden state. Or Emily asking for help with another event. Or someone from group who needs our help.

  But the number on the screen doesn't look familiar.

  Should I let it go to voicemail or pick up? I look over my mess of papers and sigh. I've been angling for an excuse to break up the night anyway.

  "Hello?"

  "I'm looking for a Tawny Brooks?"

  I haven't gone by Carter's last name in a year. It leaves an acidic, sour feeling in my mouth.

  "This is she. Who's asking?"

  "I'm calling on behalf of your mother Shelly Owens - she's been hospitalized at Apollo Mercy. She's been asking for you."

  "Is she okay?" I ask, knowing the answer in my heart.

  "No m'am. She's dying."

  "No," I whisper.

  "She has advanced pancreatic cancer. I'm sorry to tell you she doesn't have much time. If you'd like to say your goodbyes, I recommend coming as soon as possible."

  "Thank you for calling," I say.

  He hangs up and I sit among my scattered papers, staring at them until the words blur. I have to go see her. I can't let her die without letting her know that no matter what happened between us, I love her. I've always blamed myself for the day she was taken away from me. Yes, she took the drinks. But I should have been there, dammit. I should have stopped her. Watched her. Comforted her before she could get to a place where taking a drink was her priority. I failed her as I have failed so many things in this life.

  I dial Jacobi's number. He answers on the first ring.

  "What's up?"

  "How fucked am I going to be if I miss the first test of the year?"

  "Um, probably pretty fucked. Why, what's wrong?"

  "My mother is dying. I have to go back to Apollo and say goodbye."

  He inhales sharply. "Jesus. That's awful. I'm sorry, Tawny. If you email Dr. Bo, I'm sure he'll give you a pass. I don't think they can blame you for missing the test."

  I sigh. "I guess. I'll call you when I get back. Let me know how it goes, okay?"

  He doesn't say anything for a minute. "You gonna be okay?"

  "I'll be fine," I say, though I'm not sure I will. I feel pretty numb, like it hasn't sunk in at all.

  "Call me when you get there."

  "Will do. Thanks, Jacobi."

  I hang up. He's become a pretty good friend and I realize I haven't had a male friend since before Carter and I were together. It's strange to think that I'm allowed to have that now. A male friend that isn't anything more than that.

  I send off an email to Dr. Bo, explaining my situation, praying he's not one of those horrible professors who doesn't give a shit about student's lives and the reasons they might miss a test.

  Then I call Monica and let her know what's going on.

  "If you need anything, and I mean, anything, just let me know, honey. My mother passed two years ago and there's not a day — "

  I drown out the rest of her sentence. I can't think about my mother actually dying. I refuse to believe it's true. If I keep believing this is some ruse to get me back into her life, some elaborate scheme to bring us together - it makes it easier.

  When my bags are packed and thrown in the truck, I set off for the one place I never thought I'd go back to: home.

  * * *

  The last time I was in this hospital - it was when Carter's mom had died. It's not exactly a happy place for me. I climb the four flights of steps until I'm on the fifth floor. A nice, older woman with gray hair smiles at me as I reach her desk.

  "I'm looking for Shelly Owen's room?"

  "Are you a direct relation to the patient?"

  "I'm her daughter."

  She looks at me with pity. "Yes, of course. She's in room 7B. Right there around the corner."

  "Thank you," I say.

  I walk around the corner and find her room dark. I peek inside and she lays in the bed barely recognizable. She's a shrunken version of herself. The blanket is pulled up to her chin and her eyes are closed. I tip toe in and sit in the chair next to her bed.

  If I didn't hear the beeps of her heart rate monitor, I'd think she's already dead. She looks seconds away from withering away to nothing.

  "Oh, Mom," I whisper.

  She stirs and blinks her eyes open. It takes her a minute to move her head to the side and see me.

  "Tawny," she says, but it comes out weak.

  I reach into the bed and find her hand. Interlock my fingers with hers. "Mom…"

  She shakes her head slowly. "Don't. It's okay. Everything's okay."

  Her voice is so fragile. So small. It breaks a dam inside of me and I begin to sob. "It's not okay. I… should have been here long before now."

  She gives my hand a small squeeze. "You've had a lot going on."

  I wipe my tears away with my free hand. "It doesn't matter. I should've never let him take you away from me."

  "You couldn't stop him. He did me a favor."

  I look at her. "What?"

  "He dropped me off at a rehab facility. Paid for it. I sobered up for good."

  "He did?" Why didn't he ever tell me this?

  She nods. "Maybe the only good thing he did for us."

  "Why didn't you call or come back?"

  She closes her eyes and I'm afraid she won't open them again, but a second later, they flicker open. "It was the price I paid for getting better."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Carter said I wasn't ever to come back to the house or talk to you ever again. He said…"

  The words drop off and she inhales deeply, like she's short of breath. "Said he'd kill me."

  Of course he did, because every single good thing he ever did was followed by some atrocity. I hang my head and let tears fall onto her blanket. "I'm sorry he did that to you."

  "I'm not," she says. "I didn't want to disappoint you ever again. It was better that way."

  "But you needed me."

  She gives me a pained look. "No, baby. You needed me. If I'd been a better mother, I could've saved you from him. Could've…"

  I rub her hand and let the words fall between us.

  "No, this isn't your fault," I say.

  She shakes her head. "Maybe not directly. But I was a terrible mother. I let you walk right into danger and I didn't care enough then to make you see the difference."

  I scoot the chair closer to her. Lay my head on her pillow.

  "I forgive you, mom. I forgive you. I need you to know that I love you."

  She leans her head against mine. "I know you do."

  I can't believe I have her again and now, I'm going to lose her forever. "Please don't leave me."

  "God's got other plans for me, Tawny. It's time."

  I shake as the crying takes over.

  She strokes my hair with her other hand. "Look at me."

  I do.

  "Don't you ever feel sorry for what you did to him, Tawny. Not for one minute. I'm so proud of you, you know that?"

  "There's not much to be proud of."

  "Stop that. You've gone to hell and back. You're so much more than I could have imagined you'd be. My beautiful baby girl. You did so well without me. You'll be fine."

  I don't want to be fine without her anymore. Doesn't she know that? I never really did.

  "I won't be. I can't deal with losing you."

  It's clear that it hurts her to smile but she does it for me anyway. Puts her hand to my cheek. "You'll be okay. Promise me something?"

  "Anything."

  "Get out of that town. Move somewhere new where the memories are fresh and you have a blank slate. Start a life you deserve to live, Tawny. Fall in love. Start a family. You deserve so much more than this life has given you so far. Promise me you'll start living it. I can't leave this earth without knowing you'll try."

  I bow my head and sob into her again. I wonder if the tears will ever stop. Her chest hitches and she coughs. Spittle sits on her
lips. I wipe it off. She closes her eyes.

  "Mom?"

  She doesn't answer me. I shake her gently. "Don't go yet, Mom. Please. Give me a little bit longer."

  "Promise me," she says softly.

  I choke out the words. "I promise."

  "Be brave my darling girl," she whispers.

  I clutch onto her like she's the pillow from Carla's office. I lay my head against her heart and listen to the soft thumps of her heartbeat.

  When I bring my head up, her expression is peaceful. Like she's said everything she needed to say. But I hadn't even touched on the things I wanted to say to her.

  I sit back in the chair, keeping my fingers intertwined with hers. I don't know how long I stay in the same position watching the monitors tracking her heartbeat.

  "Do you need anything?" A nurse whispers from the doorway.

  I shake my head. "I don't think… how long do you think she has?"

  The nurse comes over and puts a hand on my shoulder. "She's been in a lot of pain. It won't be long. No one can know for sure, though."

  I nod. I'm glad I'm here, as hard as it is.

  "Come get me if you need anything at all, okay?"

  I tell her I will and go back to watching my mother sleeping. There's so much I could say. Exhaustion seeps into my bones and I promise her I will tell her everything tomorrow. I close my eyes and sleep takes hold.

  * * *

  I wake up to a wailing noise and nurses rushing into my mother's room. I look at her and she's seizing, shaking.

  "Oh My God. What's happening? Help her!" I scream.

  Someone takes me by the arm. "You need to leave, miss."

  "No! I can't leave her again."

  "Miss, you can't be in here right now," she pushes me out of the room.

  I watch through a crack in the blinds as they strap my mother to her bed. They put something into a fluid bag. Nothing works. Doctors rush down the hallway, talk into their walkie talkies or whatever it is they use.

  It all happens in seconds. Maybe minutes. But it feels like a lifetime before they get her shaking body stilled.

  The little green line on her monitor stops moving. Goes as still as she does.

  I don't have to see the doctor's face to know it's over. That my mother is gone.

  I collapse to the floor in a heap. I punch the floor over and over again until my knuckles bleed and red smears against the tile.

  Arms pull me up and I resist them until it gets too hard to fight. I sob into the chest of whoever is holding me. I don't know who it is. I don't care.

  "Do you want to see her?" the voice asks.

  I nod and look up. It's the nurse from earlier.

  She guides me into the room, everyone else has cleared out. "I'll give you a few minutes," she says closing the door behind her.

  I hold my mother's hand. It's warm, like she's still there inside the body just waiting to wake up.

  "I'm so sorry I didn't get to tell you everything," I say. "There was so much to say and I didn't say it. I love you, Mom."

  I kiss her hand and tuck it under the blanket.

  December - 2011

  Carla and Monica are the only people I've told about my promise to my mother. I was surprised when Carla agreed it was the right thing to do.

  "When do you leave?" she asks. Today is our last session.

  "Two weeks."

  She hasn't even touched her steno pad this session. "How are you feeling?"

  I twist my hands together. "Anxious. Excited. Scared."

  "All completely normal for a change this big."

  I still can't believe I'm doing it. Uprooting my life, the friends I've made. New city, new life.

  "Am I doing the right thing?"

  "Do you think it is?"

  I sigh. I hate when she turns my questions around on me. "I don't know. I mean, I think my mother was right, I need to get away from the memories here. Start new."

  "Then it seems to me as if you know the answer already."

  I smile. "That's what you always say."

  "Because most of the time, you already know what the right answer is. You seek validation and I want you to work on that. You're the only one who can make your life decisions. Don't fall into old patterns or you'll undo all the hard work you've done."

  She's reminded me of this every session since I told her I was leaving. She won't ever admit it, but I think she's going to miss me. I don't tell her that I'm going to miss her more than she knows.

  "You're packed?" she asks.

  "Everything but the winter coats."

  This gets a smile out of her. "You chose your location wisely."

  "I always wanted to go to California."

  "And now you shall. You're lined up with employment, yes?"

  "Monica has a friend out there. I start at the end of the month as their head pastry chef."

  "Fantastic. Things are really coming together for you."

  I laugh. "About time."

  Carla looks at her watch. "Well our time is up. I'm very proud of the things you've accomplished, Tawny. You have overcome so much in our time together."

  "Don't go soft on me now," I joke.

  She smiles and stands up. "It's been a pleasure."

  I stand up and I know it's not appropriate but I wrap my arms around her. She stiffens under my embrace. I let her go. "Sorry. I had to do it. You saved my life."

  She shakes her head. "No. You did that. Don't ever forget it."

  I think I might actually cry but I hold it in. "Goodbye, Doc."

  "Be brave, Tawny." Her words echo my mothers.

  I walk out of her office and the sun shines down on me, the rays a sliver of heat against the crisp winter air. I look up at the blue sky and I think maybe my mother is watching me right this moment.

  And brave has never looked as good on me as it does right now.

  * * *

  "You're what?" Emily asks again.

  "Leaving…"

  She is slack-jawed. Her blue eyes burrow into me. "Why? You can't leave us! We love you."

  I laugh. "And I love you all. But this is just… something I have to do. I need to be away from this place. The memories. The pain. I want a chance to start over."

  "Good for you," Kenya says. "I don't like it. But I understand it."

  Telling the support group was the hardest thing I knew I'd have to do. So I put it off until the last second. These girls are my friends. My saviors. Their stories are mine and mine, theirs. We've become a unit and it scares me to go out on my own without them.

  "You better have an extra room," Faye says.

  Everyone laughs. "You know you're all welcome to come visit me. Get out of these damn Minnesota winters."

  "You bet your ass we will," Emily says, wiping a tear from her eye.

  "Don't you dare cry. Then I'll start and we'll all be one big sobfest," I say.

  "Sorry," she mumbles. "I can't help it. I can't believe you're actually going. And like, soon. You couldn't even give us a few months to let it sink in."

  "I know. It still feels surreal for me too. But it's time."

  She nods. "Okay, enough talk. Let's get the chairs up before everyone else gets here."

  I agree and we set up the room. I brought cupcakes, not like it's enough to thank the group for everything they've done for me.

  A few newbies trickle in and I see the passion in Emily as she welcomes them to the group. I so desperately want to give that to someone else. Luckily, San Diego has a great Psychology program I was able to transfer to. Dr. Bo not only helped me get in, he gave me glowing recommendations.

  When the group is over and everyone files out but Emily and I, we sit in two chairs facing each other.

  "I'm going to miss you so much, friend."

  I reach out and hold her hand. "I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me, Emily. I wouldn't be where I'm at without you."

  She tsks. "I didn't do anything."

  "Stop being so humble. The work
you do here is invaluable. You inspire me every time we meet for group. I only hope I'm half of the woman you are some day."

  She looks away from me. Sniffles. "It's not nice to make me cry again."

  "I'm sorry," I say.

  "You sweet, sweet girl. I love you. You will be a fabulous counselor one day. You're going to help so many people."

  "I hope so."

  She squeezes my hand. "I know so."

  "You'll still keep me up to date with things here?"

  "Of course."

  "I don't know what I'm going to do without you."

  She laughs. "You're going to thrive and live a great big life, Tawny. You're going to find someone that deserves that big heart of yours and you're going to be happy."

  "You think it's possible for people like us to truly be happy?"

  She frowns. "I do. Because if there's not hope of living after what we've been through, what is there?"

  She has a point. "You're right."

  "Say that again, please?"

  I laugh. "You're right. As usual."

  "Damn right. And I'm always a phone call away. And we weren't kidding about that extra room."

  "I didn't figure you were," I say. "I have to finish packing."

  She nods and pulls me up out of the chair and into a tight embrace.

  "Don't forget where you came from and you'll never forget where you deserve to be, pretty girl."

  I hold on to her like she'll dissolve if I don't keep her in my arms. "Bye, Emily."

  "Bye, Tawny."

  January - 2012

  The plane touches down just in time for all of the passengers to see the setting sun. I don't know if it's nerves or excitement, but I swear even the sunset is more beautiful in California. The way it coats everything in an orangey-red glow. It's magical.

  The airport is bustling but I follow the influx of people to the baggage claim. There, passengers are greeted by loved ones. Children squealing in excitement to see their grandparents. Lovers meeting again. A girl jumps into the arms of a man wearing army greens. Someone holds a sign that says "Mama Lisa." Most everyone has a someone waiting for them.

  I have no one waiting for me but for the first time in my life, I'm okay with it.