His Bundle of Love / the Color of Courage

by Patricia Davids

  The nurse moved to help. “Are you sure you want to get up?”

  The room swam around Caitlin, and she clutched the side of the bed to steady herself. “I’m fine. Really.”

  She even managed a smile. She couldn’t allow anyone to see how sick she was. She had to get dismissed from this place.

  “Excuse me, but are you Ms. Williams?”

  Caitlin turned to find a man in an ill-fitting suit standing in the doorway.

  “I’m Caitlin Williams,” she answered.

  The man seemed distracted as he searched through papers in the folder he held. His face brightened when he located what he was looking for. “I’m Lloyd Winston, the social worker for this unit.”

  On a scale of one to ten, that statement dropped the man to a quick zero in her books. Had Mick already set the ball in motion to get custody of Beth? She tried to hide her sudden fear.

  He closed the file and smiled at Caitlin. “I see here in your doctor’s note that he plans to dismiss you tomorrow. I understand that you are currently without a place to live. Tell me, where do you plan to go once you’re discharged?”

  “Out of here.”

  “That’s your only plan? Well, perhaps I can help. Let me see what shelters have openings.”

  * * *

  Mick maneuvered his SUV through the Saturday afternoon traffic with less than his usual care. He was furious.

  Lord, help me. I know I shouldn’t pass judgment on Caitlin, but she is deliberately making things harder.

  She had been dismissed from the hospital, and the only information he could get was that she had gone to a shelter. Apparently, she’d asked Winston not to disclose which one.

  Cutting sharply in front of another car, Mick ignored the irate honking behind him and took the off-ramp. Ten minutes later he pulled up in front of his home.

  His mother and Naomi stood at the curb pulling shopping bags from the trunk of a gray sedan. The women smiled when they caught sight of him.

  “You’re just in time. Make yourself useful.” His mother held out a bag. He took it, picked up another then followed the women into the house.

  Once inside, he placed his bags on the kitchen counter. Naomi began putting the contents away. “We haven’t seen much of you lately, Mick.”

  “I’ve been at the hospital a lot. Did you miss me?”

  She chuckled and batted his arm. “Of course I didn’t, but your mother did.”

  “Nonsense, Naomi, I’m a big girl. I can spend a few hours without someone hovering over me. How’s the baby doing?”

  “Better. Dr. Wright said she’ll begin trying small feedings tomorrow. It’s definitely a step in the right direction.”

  His mother nodded. “Good. And how’s the baby’s mother?”

  “She’s a royal pain.” He glanced at her. “Sorry.”

  Elizabeth gazed at him for a long moment. “I’m surprised to hear you admit as much. For a while I thought you were developing an infatuation for her.”

  He looked away from her intense scrutiny as he shifted uneasily. “It’s not like that. It’s just that she needs so much help, but she won’t admit it.”

  Naomi shut the cupboard door with a crack. “Maybe it’s because her house isn’t on fire.”

  He looked at her sharply. “What do you mean?”

  “It seems to me that you’re way too eager to dash in and try to save her.”

  “And that’s a bad thing?”

  “Of course, it isn’t,” his mother interjected.

  “Unless the person you’re trying to save knows the house isn’t burning,” Naomi added.

  “You think she doesn’t want my help because she doesn’t believe she needs it?”

  Naomi leaned against the counter and crossed her arms over her thin chest. “Look at it from the poor girl’s point of view. She asked for your help when she was in labor, didn’t she? And she accepted the help you offered?”

  “Yes.”

  “If you’re right, and she named you as her baby’s father only when she thought she was going to die, it stands to reason that now that she’s recovered, she feels that she doesn’t need your help anymore. I think you should respect her wishes. You can’t force people to accept help if they don’t want it.”

  “But she’s destitute. How is she going to take care of Beth if she doesn’t have a job or a place to live?”

  “Surely she has family or friends she can stay with?” Elizabeth suggested.

  “Not that I could locate.”

  “Did you ask her?” Naomi demanded.

  “Sort of,” he admitted slowly.

  “And did you give her a chance to answer, or did you charge ahead with your plans for her ‘rescue’?” With both hands she made quotation marks in the air.

  “Maybe I was a little forceful, but I care about Beth.”

  His mother moved to cup his cheek with her free hand. “You’re a very caring man. I’m sorry things didn’t work out the way you hoped.”

  “I can’t let Caitlin take Beth and vanish.”

  “Wait a minute.” Elizabeth held up one hand. “Caring for a child who’s alone in the world is one thing, but getting involved in a custody dispute is a whole different kettle of fish.”

  “My choices are do nothing and let Caitlin disappear into those stinking slums with a helpless baby, or I make sure that doesn’t happen. God put me in Beth’s life for a reason. I’m not turning my back on her.”

  He rose and headed for the front door, more disappointed than he cared to admit.

  She caught his arm and stopped him. “Mick, you can’t save every destitute child you see.”

  “I can save Beth. She’s going to be part of my life. Why is it so hard for everyone to accept that God wants me to care for this child?”

  Elizabeth pulled her hand away. “It may be what the good Lord wants. But I think you need to be very sure this isn’t just about what Mick O’Callaghan wants.”

  * * *

  Caitlin stood and listened to the hawk-faced matron in charge of the women’s dorm at the Lexington Street Shelter.

  “Your bed is the last one on the left. There’s no smoking and no drinking. Keep a close eye on your valuables—we’re not responsible if anything gets stolen. There are twenty-two women and children on this floor and one bathroom, so don’t hog it. We provide two meals a day. Breakfast is at 7:00 a.m. sharp. Supper is at six. If you’re late, we don’t hold anything for you. Any questions?” She folded her arms and waited.

  Caitlin shook her head. “I’ve stayed here before. I know the rules.” She stared down the long, narrow room. She’d stayed here once during the coldest nights of winter when she had been sixteen, scared and out of food. It wasn’t a pleasant memory.

  This time, she wouldn’t be leaving after a few meals of thin soup and a break in the weather. The hospital social worker had arranged for her stay here so that she could be near a phone in case Beth’s doctor needed to contact her. It had been the closest shelter with room to take her on such short notice.

  She moved down the crowded room lined with narrow beds toward the one the matron had indicated. The place reeked of unwashed bodies. A worn-looking woman rocked and hummed to a little girl of about three. The child was whining that she was hungry. Loud snoring came from beneath a heap of blankets on a bed in the middle of the room while a teenage girl paced the small space in front of the room’s only window with her arms clasped tightly around herself.

  Caitlin sat on the thin, blue-striped mattress of the last cot and looked around. She was alone again no matter how crowded the room was. Leaning down, she slid a plastic bag with her few belongings underneath the bed. The crackle and rustle of papers made her frown.

  The nurses at the NICU had made sure that she had plenty of infor
mation when she was discharged—all of it in writing. Neat little brochures on colored paper that were useless to her. She had wanted to ask questions, but the staff had been so busy with admissions that she had simply been handed the papers and hustled out the door.

  A harsh, racking cough interrupted the soft humming of the young mother. After a few moments, she began to sing in a trembling and off-key voice. “Hush little baby, don’t say a word. Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.”

  She didn’t seem to know the rest of the song because she repeated the same lines over and over again. Lying on her side, Caitlin faced the wall and listened to the senseless song.

  “Hush little baby, don’t say a word.”

  Was Beth crying now? Did she miss her mother’s touch, her voice? Would the nurses pay as much attention to her now that they were busy?

  A hollow place had formed in Caitlin’s heart when she walked out the hospital doors without her daughter. It grew now into a vast emptiness that ached like a gnawing hunger. She missed her baby—missed the smell of her and the feel of her. She had left her baby behind. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t had a choice.

  Maybe Mick would be with Beth tonight. He did care about her, Caitlin knew that. Yesterday, she had been scared and angry. That made her determined to prove that she could care for Beth by herself. But now, miles away, Caitlin could only hope Mick would ignore her angry words and stay with the baby. Beth didn’t deserve to be alone. No child did.

  How many times had Caitlin huddled, cold and hungry, while her mother was gone for days on end? Back then, Caitlin had dreamed that her father would somehow find her and take her away with him. The man in Caitlin’s imagination had been a man like Mick—tall and strong, and sure of what was right. But no one ever came.

  Mick claimed he wanted to be a father to Beth, but for how long? How long before he couldn’t find the time for a kid who wasn’t really his? Life had a way of dulling even the best of intentions. She didn’t want Beth wishing for some imaginary daddy, or worse yet, pining for someone real who never came around.

  Caitlin would be all that Beth needed. If Beth had a mother who loved her and cared for her, she wouldn’t miss having a dad.

  Closing her eyes, Caitlin tried to shut out the sounds and the smells around her and recall Beth’s face. She pictured her tiny hands and feet. She pictured the way Beth’s mouth widened into an O when she yawned, the way her eyebrows arched perfectly in the center.

  Caitlin’s fingers itched for her pencils and drawing pad. If only she could put the pictures in her head down on paper, then maybe she wouldn’t feel so alone. She’d have something of Beth to keep beside her.

  But she didn’t have her sketchbook anymore. Her sketches, her baby’s clothes, everything that she owned had been left behind in the building where Mick found her. Someday she would make her way back there, but she held little hope of finding her things undisturbed.

  * * *

  The next morning Caitlin rose from a fitful, nightmare-haunted sleep where she searched through garbage cans and dark alleys for a baby she could hear crying but couldn’t find. At breakfast, she forced down a bowl of lukewarm oatmeal before she gathered her few possessions and walked the long miles back to the hospital.

  At the nursery, she went directly to Beth’s bed. Only when she saw for herself that Beth was okay did Caitlin relax. She touched her daughter’s hand and gazed at her beautiful face. “Morning, jelly bean. I told you I’d be back.”

  “Jelly bean—that’s cute.”

  Caitlin looked up to see Mick standing a few feet away. Her foolish heart took an unexpected leap of joy, and she almost smiled before she remembered to be angry with him.

  He moved to the bedside. “The nickname fits her. She’s little and she’s sweet.”

  Caitlin turned her attention to the baby, determined to ignore him. “What do you want?”

  “I won’t stay long,” he said. “I just wanted to apologize for upsetting you. I was wrong.”

  “No kidding.”

  “Look—” his exasperation came through in his voice “—I want you to know I’m sorry for trying to strong-arm you. You don’t want my help, that’s fine. Where you go and what you do is none of my business. My concern is for Beth. I’m only going to ask you for one thing.”

  She slanted a look at him. “What?”

  “While she is in the hospital, I’d like to continue to visit her.”

  “You’re asking my permission?”

  He thrust his hands in his pockets and looked down. “Yes. You’re her mother, and I’m just some guy who happened by.”

  Caitlin mulled over his change of heart and wondered what had prompted it. Did this mean he wasn’t going to try and take Beth away from her? She was almost afraid to believe him. “And what if I say no?”

  He leveled his gaze at her. “I’ll respect your wishes.”

  She studied his face and saw the uncertainty in his eyes, saw the tenseness in the set of his shoulders. He was waiting for her to tell him to get lost.

  But he wasn’t just some guy who had happened by. She hadn’t dreamed the voice she had heard in the darkness. It had been his voice. And he’d stayed with Beth when the baby needed someone the most. He’d given his mother’s name to the child of a total stranger. Some guy passing by didn’t do all of those things—only someone who truly cared about Beth.

  Doubts clamored inside Caitlin’s head warning her not to trust him, but faced with his kindness and sincerity, she chose to ignore them. “I guess it would be okay.”

  Hope brightened his eyes. “Thank you. This means a lot.”

  Caitlin turned her attention back to the baby and prayed she hadn’t just made the biggest mistake of her life. “I’m doing it for her, because I can’t be here as much now.”

  “I understand. Now that I’m back at work, I won’t be able to be here as often as I’d like, either. Look, I don’t know where you’re staying, but if you ever need a ride here or anything, just say the word.”

  “I take the bus.” She didn’t want to admit to him that she couldn’t even afford bus fare. “Getting here at night is hard. If you could spend time with her then, that would be nice.”

  If he came at night, she wouldn’t have to see him. She wouldn’t have to pretend she didn’t long to hear his voice or to feel the touch of his hand.

  Her grudging permission sent a wave of relief through Mick. He sat next to her and struggled to separate the feelings running through him. It was more than happiness at getting to see Beth again. A lot of it had to do with seeing Caitlin.

  He liked being near this woman, he liked the sound of her voice, the way the light changed the color of her eyes. He liked the soft curve of her ears and the way she tucked her hair back when she was nervous.

  An alarm sounded and he scanned the array of monitors to see which one it was. Beth’s nurse reached up to silence the one that monitored the oxygen level of her blood. It was then he noticed how much oxygen she was getting.

  “She’s up to fifty percent,” he said. “She hasn’t been that high before.”

  “Hasn’t she? Let me check her chart.” He waited impatiently for her to confirm what he already knew. “You’re right,” she said. “I’ll let Dr. Wright know.”

  “What is it? What’s wrong?” Caitlin demanded. Her hand closed on Mick’s shoulder in a death grip. He covered it with his own in a gesture of comfort as they waited for the doctor.

  Dr. Wright came to the bedside and quickly checked the baby over. “She is needing more oxygen and her heart rate is up as well. That has me a bit worried. She may be getting sick.”

  “But how could she get sick in here?” Caitlin asked, clearly worried and perplexed.

  “Babies like Beth have a very poor immune system. No matter how careful we are, we can’t prevent every il
lness. We’ll draw some blood work and that will tell us more.”

  “But she’ll be okay, won’t she?” Mick asked. The pounding of his heart was so loud he thought he might not be able to hear the doctor’s answer.

  Please, Lord, Beth has been through so much already. Isn’t it time she caught a break?

  Dr. Wright smiled. “If her blood work shows any signs of infection, we’ll start her on antibiotics. Unfortunately, this isn’t all that unusual. Remember, Beth has a long road ahead of her. We have to take it one day at a time.”

  Caitlin noticed then that Mick’s hand covered hers where it rested on his shoulder. She pulled away from him, but she missed the comfort of his touch.

  After the doctor left the bedside, Caitlin cupped her hands around Beth the way Mick had shown her the first time she saw her daughter. Mick had taught her so much. Sudden tears stung Caitlin’s eyes and her throat tightened as regrets welled up out of nowhere. She wasn’t surprised that he noticed.

  “Caitlin, what’s wrong?”

  “It was so hard at first.”

  “What was hard?” he asked gently.

  “All of it. Knowing you named her, knowing you held her first. I resented the way you seemed so at ease with her while I was scared to even touch her. It was like she didn’t even need me.”

  “You’re her mother, of course she needs you.”

  “The first time I came in here, I didn’t even know which baby was mine. What kind of mother doesn’t know her own child?”

  “Maybe one who was unconscious for days, one who almost died? Don’t beat yourself up over the things you can’t change.”

  “I’ll always feel I missed the most important moment of her life—and of mine.”

  She couldn’t believe she was telling him these things. Yet looking into his bright blue eyes filled with compassion and understanding, she knew that there was something about this man that drew out a part of herself that she had never wanted to share with anyone else. His voice, his touch, they made her feel something that she had been missing her whole life. He made her feel safe.

  She looked away, afraid he would read in her eyes just how much she longed for the comfort of his touch.