His Bundle of Love / the Color of Courage

by Patricia Davids

  Dr. Wright came into the nursery just then followed by a small man in a sharply tailored, dark blue suit. Caitlin shook the hand that Dr. Wright held out.

  “I wish you the best of luck, Ms. Williams. Before you go, let me introduce you to someone. This is Karl Wiltshire. Karl, this is the young woman I’ve been telling you about, Caitlin Williams.”

  “Ms. Williams, I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. I’ve been admiring some of your work in Dr. Wright’s office. You have a remarkable talent.”

  “Thanks.” Caitlin still felt embarrassed by the attention her work seemed to be getting.

  The man held out a business card. “I own a gallery downtown. I’d be interested in displaying some of your work.”

  He smiled at Beth. “I can see that you’re going to be busy for a while, but I’d like to get together with you. Would next Friday be too soon?”

  Stunned, Caitlin took his card. Her work in a gallery? The idea blew her away. “Um, no. Next Friday will be fine.”

  “Excellent. Let’s say ten o’clock?”

  “Great. Would it be okay if I brought the baby?”

  “Of course. Bring what you think is your best work and we’ll discuss it.” With that, he shook Caitlin’s hand again and followed Dr. Wright out of the unit.

  “Well,” the nurse said, “I guess that’s everything.”

  Caitlin tucked Mr. Wiltshire’s business card in the bag with Beth’s things. Looking through the bag, she realized something was missing. “I don’t see Beth’s card. It has green shamrocks on it.”

  “You mean her Irish blessing. I think it’s still on her crib. I’ll get it for you.”

  A few moments later, she returned with the card in her hand. She read it aloud. “‘May God grant you many years to live, for sure He must be knowing, the Earth has angels all too few, and heaven’s overflowing.’ Isn’t that beautiful?”

  “It’s perfect.” Tears pricked the back of Caitlin’s eyes. Reaching out, she took the card from the woman’s hand. Mick had chosen these words for Beth on the day she was born, and Caitlin would cherish them forever.

  The nurse said, “I’m surprised Mick isn’t here.”

  “He’s been working a lot, I guess. He hasn’t been able to come and see her lately.”

  “Except at night.”

  Caitlin frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “I usually work the night shift. I’m covering for a nurse who is sick this morning. I’ve gotten used to seeing Mick here in the wee hours.”

  Caitlin blinked hard. Mick had been to see Beth, but he hadn’t come to see Beth’s mother. That hurt, although she knew it shouldn’t. Did he still worry that she wouldn’t be able to take care of Beth by herself?

  Beth was going to be the only priority in Caitlin’s life from now on. She would stop mooning over Mick O’Callaghan. She would stop missing him. Maybe someday, she’d even stop dreaming about him.

  Slipping the strap of Beth’s monitor over her shoulder, Caitlin picked up the car seat. “Please tell everyone I said thank you.”

  “Good luck, and don’t be afraid to call us with questions.”

  Glancing around the unit once more, a sense of loss settled over Caitlin. Strangely enough, she was going to miss this place. She looked down at her baby and smiled. “Let’s go home, jelly bean.”

  The cabdriver waited for them while Caitlin took Beth’s prescriptions into a nearby pharmacy. She hurried, knowing the meter was still running. She had some money, but none to waste.

  In the pharmacy, the woman behind the counter handed Caitlin the drugs in a small white paper sack. It wasn’t until she and Beth were back in the cab that Caitlin opened it and looked in. There were two identical oval, amber plastic bottles.

  Caitlin stared at them in dismay. At the hospital, the seizure medication had been in a round bottle. Her heart hammered with panic. How was she going to tell them apart? She took a deep breath and tried to remain calm. She’d find a way to manage. She always found a way.

  A few minutes later, the cab pulled up to the small apartment that she and Beth were going to call home. Caitlin leaned forward to pay the driver. “Could you help me carry some things in?”

  “Sure. No problem,” he replied.

  Caitlin took one bottle of medication from the package and let it slip to the floor. Then she unbuckled Beth’s car seat and lifted the baby out of the cab. “I’ll take her if you can get her monitor and the diaper bag.”

  Caitlin was halfway up the outside stairs that led to her new home when the driver called out, “Hey, you forgot some medicine here.”

  She turned back frowning. “I don’t think so. What is it?”

  He peered at the bottle. “It says Caffeine Ci—something.”

  She sagged with relief. “Oh, yes, it’s mine. It must have fallen out of my bag.”

  “Good thing I saw it.” He tucked it in his shirt pocket, then lifted the diaper bag and the monitor from the cab.

  Once inside the apartment, Caitlin set the bottle with Beth’s seizure medication on the kitchen counter. She’d mark it with something that would let her tell the medicines apart right away. She set Beth’s car seat on the floor beside the couch.

  The driver carried in the diaper bag and Beth’s VCR-sized monitor. “Where do you want these?”

  “Anywhere is fine.”

  “Oops, she’s spitting up,” he said, pointing to Beth. “My youngest one was always doing that.”

  Caitlin took the diaper bag from him, and he moved aside as she found a cloth to wipe Beth’s face. When she looked up, he was standing by the kitchen counter reading the bottle he held.

  “I’ll take that,” she said.

  “Oh, sure.” He handed it to her. “What’s it for, if you don’t mind my asking?”

  “She has apnea. The caffeine helps her to keep breathing.”

  “Wow. And the Pheno stuff?”

  “It controls her seizures.”

  “Seizures? The poor kid.” His voice held an edge of pity that annoyed Caitlin.

  “The doctors think she’ll outgrow them.”

  “That’s good. Well, I’d better get going. Good luck to you both,” he said.

  Caitlin showed him to the door and closed it behind him, then she stared at the bottle in her hand. She had found a way this time, but it might not be so easy the next time. Not being able to read hadn’t meant much when she only had herself to worry about. Street smarts had mattered more than the things she’d learned in school, but now she had Beth to think of.

  Someday Beth would go to school, and she’d want her mother to help with homework and stuff. Caitlin bit down on her fingernail as she stared at her sleeping daughter.

  Could she lie and fool her own daughter the way she had fooled others? She didn’t want to, but she didn’t want Beth to be ashamed of her, either.

  Carrying the bottle in her hand to the kitchen, she set it on top of the refrigerator. She found a small rubber band in a drawer and put it over the neck of the bottle on the counter. It would be easy to tell them apart now. Next time she had them filled, she’d ask the pharmacy for two different kinds of bottles.

  She crossed the room and sat down on the brown floral sofa that had come with the apartment and stared at her baby, still sleeping peacefully. The quiet of the small place surrounded them. They were home. She had her baby with her now and forever.

  Beth stirred and began to fuss. Happily, Caitlin picked her up and began to nurse her. This was how she had always known it would be. Silently, Caitlin thanked God for the beautiful child He had given her.

  * * *

  Mick helped loop the long fire hose back onto the sides of the truck. He pushed back his helmet and wiped the sweat and soot from his forehead with the back of his coat sleeve. Woody secured
his end then turned to Mick. “Our shift ended forty minutes ago.”

  The small kitchen fire had produced a lot of smoke, but most of the home was still intact. The family stood huddled together on the sidewalk, thankful it hadn’t been worse.

  Mick looked over his shoulder at his friend. “Don’t tell me you’re complaining about overtime.”

  “Not me. I can always find ways to spend it. Now that we’re off, what are your plans for the next few days?”

  “A hot shower, some breakfast and then I’m going to see Caitlin and Beth.”

  “You’ve waited—what? A whole week?”

  “I wanted to give them time to get used to being in a new place, but I need to see how they’re doing.”

  “Mick, they’re doing fine.”

  “I know they’re fine. I’m the basketcase. How am I going to convince Caitlin that I’m in love with her? She thinks I’m only interested in Beth.”

  The “fantasy replacement” for the child he couldn’t have. Her comment had hurt, but in a way, it had been true—to start with. Only so much had changed since the day Beth was born. He had changed. He needed both of them in his life.

  Woody slapped Mick’s shoulder and pushed him toward the cab of the truck. “First, let’s get back to the station and out of this gear, and then we can discuss your love life. The main thing is, don’t rush her. Take it slow and easy. Be a friend.”

  On the ride back to the firehouse, Mick pondered Woody’s advice. It made sense. Slow and easy, that would be the plan.

  Please, Lord, let me prove to Caitlin that I love her. That I want us to be a family.

  He’d show her he could be a dependable friend before anything else. She would be hard to convince. She was stubbornly independent. She had a little money now from her drawings, but that wouldn’t last long. Soon she’d see that she needed him and he’d be there for her.

  After showering and getting dressed in Levi’s and a blue plaid cotton shirt, Mick pulled a small bag from the top shelf of his locker. Inside was a plush pink bunny that played a child’s prayer when its paws were squeezed. Today he would simply say that he had stopped by to see Beth and give her a welcome-home present. Caitlin would believe that.

  * * *

  Beth wouldn’t quit crying. Caitlin paced the floor of her small apartment, switching the baby from one weary arm to the other. It was almost eight in the morning, and Beth had been crying since before midnight. Caitlin’s feelings of frustration and inadequacy had long since given way to pure exhaustion.

  “What’s wrong? Tell me what you want,” she pleaded, knowing she had already tried everything. “I’ve fed you and changed you and rocked you. What else do you need?”

  Even the warm bath and wrapping Beth tightly had failed to calm her for more than a few minutes. Nothing worked.

  Caitlin was due at the Wiltshire Gallery at ten o’clock. She had less than two hours to get presentable and get downtown. Having the gallery accept her work was so important. Why did Beth have to choose this night to have a case of colic? “Hush, baby, please.”

  Beth arched her back and flailed her arms as her cries continued. The last bit of Caitlin’s patience vaporized. Crossing to the bedroom, she laid the baby abruptly in her oversized buggy. “Well, just cry then! I don’t care!”

  Shutting the door with a bang, Caitlin dropped onto the sagging sofa, pressed her hands over her ears and battled the need to burst into tears herself.

  She waited, watching the hands of the clock tick slowly around. Five minutes. After ten minutes, she gave up. Dragging herself off the sofa, she returned to the bedroom. Beth’s cries had subsided to ragged sobs and pitiful whimpering. She turned her tiny face toward Caitlin, her wide-eyed expression a picture of panic and fear.

  Consumed with guilt, Caitlin scooped her up and held her close. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m a terrible mother, only I just don’t know what else to do.”

  A knock sounded at the front door and Beth began crying loudly once more.

  Now what? Carrying her screaming child, Caitlin yanked open the door, then sagged with relief. “Mick. Oh, I’m so glad to see you.”

  “What’s wrong?” His concern was her undoing.

  A sob escaped her. “I don’t know.” She thrust the baby toward him. “She just keeps crying and crying. I’ve done everything I can think of.”

  Taking the baby from her, he balanced Beth in one arm and draped his free arm over Caitlin’s shoulders. “Okay. It’s going to be all right. Babies get fussy sometimes.”

  “Not like this.”

  He led her to the sofa and sat beside her. “When did this start?”

  “I don’t know. The day before yesterday, I think. She started having high heart-rate alarms on her monitor.”

  “But no apnea?”

  “No, and she won’t eat. Maybe there’s something wrong with my milk again.”

  Caitlin watched anxiously as Mick laid the baby in his lap and checked her over. Laying two fingers on the inside of Beth’s elbow, he checked her pulse as Caitlin had learned to do.

  “Did you give her any caffeine this morning?”

  “No, not for the past two days. Her pulse was too high. I count it every time just like they showed me at the hospital.”

  “She doesn’t feel warm, I don’t think she has a fever, but her pulse is way too fast.”

  “What should I do?”

  “I think we had better get her in to see a doctor.”

  “You think she’s sick? I thought she was just having colic.” Guilt and remorse rose like bile in her throat. She should have taken her to the doctor last night. Instead, she had let her baby suffer for hours.

  “I’ll take you to the E.R. Bring her medicine, they’ll want to know what she’s on.”

  Trying desperately to stave off a wave of panic, Caitlin gathered Beth’s things and followed Mick down to his car. He fastened the baby’s car seat into the center of the rear seat, and Caitlin got in beside her daughter. Beth continued to cry as Mick drove. It broke Caitlin’s heart not to be able to pick her up. Suddenly, the baby’s crying became a choking gurgle. She stiffened and arched as her face twisted into a grimace.

  “Mick, she’s having a seizure.”

  “Is she breathing?”

  “Yes. What do I do?” Please God, help her.

  “Just make sure she’s breathing,” Mick said.

  After nearly a minute, Beth stopped arching and went limp. The color of her face paled and slowly took on a blue tinge. Leaning her cheek close to the baby’s nose confirmed Caitlin’s worst fears. She fumbled with the straps of the car seat. “She’s not breathing now.”

  “We’re almost there.”

  “I’m starting CPR. God, please help me do this!” Pulling Beth to her lap, Caitlin bent and covered her daughter’s mouth and nose with her own mouth and delivered two small puffs of air. Beth’s chest rose and fell and Caitlin knew she had done it right. She continued to deliver puffs of air until Beth suddenly drew in a breath of her own and let out a cry.

  “Thank You, Lord.” Mick’s voice wavered with emotion.

  Seconds later, the car skidded to a stop in front of the hospital’s E.R. He jumped out and jerked open Caitlin’s door. “I’ll take her.”

  Caitlin handed Beth to him and followed close behind as he hurried through the hospital doors. His tense explanation to the clerk on duty got them ushered quickly into a room. A nurse took Beth and laid her in the center of a large cot.

  Caitlin pressed a hand to her trembling lips. Beth looked so small and helpless. A doctor entered the room and began to examine Beth. He asked question after question. Mick stood silently behind Caitlin with his hands on her shoulders. She was so thankful that he was there.

  When the doctor was done with his examination, he gave t
he nurse instructions for lab work and then suggested to Caitlin that she might like to step out while they drew blood.

  “No, I’ve seen her stuck before. I want to stay.”

  “I’ll stay as well,” Mick said.

  Together they helped to hold Beth still while a man from the lab stuck her arm. When it was all over, Caitlin picked up her sobbing baby and held her close.

  The nurse indicated a chair. “You might as well be seated. It’ll be a while before the test results come back.”

  Nodding, Caitlin sat down and Mick took a seat beside her. The nurse held out a clipboard. “We’ll need some paperwork filled out.”

  Mick reached for Beth. “I’ll hold her while you do it.”

  “No, she needs me right now.” Caitlin glared at the nurse. “Can’t that wait? Can’t you see how upset she is?”

  With an apologetic look to the nurse, Mick took the clipboard from her. “I’ll fill it out.”

  “All right, just be sure and have Mom sign it.”

  The nurse left the room and Caitlin avoided Mick’s gaze as she concentrated on calming Beth. After a few minutes of silence, she said, “Good ol’ Mick to the rescue, again. Do you have some kind of radar that lets you know when I’m in trouble?”

  “I only stopped by to give Beth a homecoming present and to see how you were doing.”

  “We were doing fine until last night.” She knew she sounded defensive, but once again he had proven that he knew Beth better than she did. It irked her that she had needed his help, even as she admitted to herself that she had never been happier to see anyone when she had opened her door.

  “Thanks for bringing us to the hospital. You don’t have to stay if you’re busy.”

  “I’m not busy.” He finished filling out the form, then leaning forward, he clasped his hands together and waited in silence.

  Thirty minutes later, the doctor walked in. He was frowning as he stared at the papers in his hand. “I understand that Beth was sent home on phenobarbital and also on caffeine, is that right?”

  “That’s right,” Caitlin answered. Something was wrong, she knew it by the way he wouldn’t meet her gaze.