Losing Leah

by Kit Tunstall

  Chapter Eight

  Leah spent the next few weeks in a haze, going through the motions of everyday activities without feeling anything. No, that wasn’t true. She was terrified of the future. She was also terrified of her continued physical reaction to Nikos. Whenever he was near, she had to keep reminding herself that she wasn’t going to touch him.

  Was she refusing to make love with him to punish him, and ending up also punishing herself? Leah didn’t think she was that petty. It was difficult to look at Nikos without remembering the sharp agony of discovering the true reason for their marriage. That agony had faded to a duller, constant ache, but being near him was still torturous. That she could still desire him at the same time baffled her.

  At least Nikos seemed to have dropped the idea of Arianna marrying Loukas. Tension remained between them, but they seemed to have declared a tentative truce. Arianna was due to depart for college next week, having decided to go earlier than planned, since they had ended the vacation so abruptly. Leah suspected the girl might be escaping before Nikos could change his mind.

  If only she could escape so easily. The atmosphere was stifling, making her want to run screaming from the house, though that would solve nothing. Until the baby was older, she was trapped in a loveless marriage with Nikos.

  It depressed her to visualize another few years of the empty relationship. At least before they had made love, she had convinced herself she didn’t love him any longer. She’d also had Arianna as a focus of her attention. What would she do with herself from the time Arianna left until the baby came? Leah was looking forward to having the baby, but it was difficult to summon much enthusiasm when she was feeling so low.

  She continued to drift through the days, lost in her own thoughts. Once Arianna departed the household a week later, she was even more lost and lonely, but couldn’t reach out to Nikos. He would likely offer comfort, and perhaps suggest they try to build a real marriage again, but she couldn’t risk exposing herself to more pain.

  A few days after Arianna had left, Leah was in the study, attempting to focus her attention on a natural health pregnancy book. It was one of a stack she’d discovered on the table near Nikos’s desk. Nikos was the only one who could have purchased the books, since it was unlikely one of the housemaids or the cook would have bought them. It touched her heart that he was so involved with the pregnancy, and it added to her confusion. How could he be so thoughtful, yet so deceptive?

  The door opened, but she didn’t look up, expecting it to be one of the maids. Nikos had left for the office hours ago, and he’d taken to coming home later and later each evening. She couldn’t help wondering if he had found a mistress. It shouldn’t hurt if he had, but she could barely breathe when contemplating the idea.

  As the door closed, she looked up, alerted to his presence through some subtle sixth sense she had developed in regards to him. “Hello.” She couldn’t believe how difficult it was to get out the simple greeting and keep her voice neutral.

  “Hello.” He cast a glance at the books on the table, along with the one on her lap, looking sheepish. “It’s probably too early to buy those…”

  She managed a small smile. “I guess you can’t start preparing for this kind of thing too early.”

  He nodded. “Do you have a moment?”

  Leah hesitated. “Why?”

  “I want to show you something.”

  She bit her lower lip, considering refusing. Without a good reason, her refusal would be churlish. She didn’t want to punish him by behaving childishly. It was in both their interests to achieve, and maintain, a mature friendship since they would be raising a child together. “Sure.” Taking time to fold the corner of the page that she had reread several times without absorbing any information, she set the book on the cushion beside her. He looked poised to assist her when she got to her feet, but she stepped away before he could touch her with the hand he seemed to have raised instinctively.

  He sighed audibly, but said nothing about it. “Thanks.”

  “No problem,” she said, slightly aloof, as she walked beside him. When they took the stairs, she tensed. Was he planning to steer her into the master suite? Would he try to persuade her to make love? Would she let him?

  She breathed a slight sigh of relief, and tried to ignore a twinge of disappointment, when they bypassed the bedroom. Leah wondered if he was going to surprise her with a renovated room, turned into a nursery. Her lips twitched. If so, he was certainly being proactive, since she wasn’t quite eight weeks along yet.

  Instead, he led her farther down the hallway, to the door that provided roof access. Intrigued, Leah climbed up the flight of stairs, wondering what he wanted to show her on the roof.

  They emerged into the sweltering heat, and she shielded her eyes from the sun. “Are we going for a swim?” she asked lightly, as they walked toward the pool.

  “No.” He walked past the pool and lounge chairs around it. When Nikos moved slightly, Leah caught sight of a white building that hadn’t been there before. Her heart skipped a beat. She stopped beside him when he came to a halt.

  “Is that a greenhouse?”

  Nikos nodded. “The workers set up everything this morning.” He gestured to the area beside it, where someone had built raised gardening beds and filled them with rich soil.

  Leah blinked, speechless for a long moment. “Why?” she finally asked.

  He turned to face her. “I want you to be happy, Leah. You told me you’d missed gardening during the time we’d been married. I want you to have it back again.”

  Her eyes blurred, and she blinked back tears. “I… I don’t know what to say.”

  He pushed the hair off her face, tucking it behind her ear. “Say you’ll be happy here, with me.” Nikos paused before adding, “Or say you’ll at least try to be happy. Seeing you mope around pains me, agapi mou.”

  Leah met his gaze, and the air around them crackled with anticipation. “Why does it hurt you? My sadness won’t hurt the baby.”

  Nikos ran a rough hand through his hair, betraying his frustration. “Not everything is about the baby. You are my wife, and I hate seeing you act like a prisoner, serving a life sentence.”

  Leah closed her eyes, struggling to form a reply. “I’m doing the best I can.” His gaze was still locked on hers when she lifted her eyelids. “I can’t promise you anything, except I will stay until the baby is older. I don’t know if I can be happy with you.”

  He jerked away, starting to pace. “You were happy on Trini Island. We were happy. Can’t we go back there?” Nikos stopped in front of her, his expression a mixture of frustration and earnestness.

  Leah shook her head. “I can’t. I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t.”

  “This is real.” He pulled her into his arms, holding her still when she tried to pull free. Anger had darkened his eyes, but they softened as he held her. She didn’t try to get away when he lowered his head to kiss her. It took every ounce of inner strength to hold herself rigid when his lips touched hers.

  Nikos kissed her gently, coaxing her mouth open to slip his tongue inside. Ire had prompted the kiss, but his soft strokes were persuasive, not punishing.

  With a moan, Leah threaded her fingers through Nikos’s hair, holding his mouth against hers. A little voice inside her brain screamed at her to stop. If she gave in and made love with him now, she would never sort out the truth from the lies. Her own emotions would overwhelm her, and she would be lost.

  The voice faded to a distant whisper when Nikos cupped her breast, gently thumbing a nipple. The pregnancy made it more sensitive, and she inhaled audibly. He immediately stopped. “Did I hurt you?”

  “Yes, a little, but in a good way.” A blush made her face hot as she made the admission.

  Nikos laughed lightly. “I want to make love to you, Leah.”

  She touched the tip of her tongue to her dry lips, watching his eyes follow the movement. “Are there strings attached to your gift?”

&nb
sp; His eyes widened, and he shook his head. “The garden is yours to do with as you wish. I wanted to make you happy, not try to force you into something you clearly find distasteful.”

  As Nikos stepped away, Leah stepped forward, pressing her hand to his chest. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” She rested her forehead against his shoulder, unable to look into his eyes. “I don’t trust you, Nikos, and I’m not sure what you want, or why you wanted to stay married, but I know you wouldn’t force me into your bed.”

  Leah gasped when he wrapped his arms around her once more, pulling her so tightly against him that it was almost uncomfortable. The proof of his need pressed into her belly, and she moved her hand slowly down his body to caress him.

  Nikos made a sound similar to a growl, shaking his head. “No.”

  “I thought you wanted this?”

  “I do, agapi mou, but not on the roof. I want you in my bed, where I’ve dreamed of having you since we got home.”

  Pushing aside her confusion, Leah took the hand he extended and walked with him back into the house. She cast a glance over her shoulder as they entered, feeling a stir of excitement about the garden.

  The garden couldn’t match the excitement and anticipation of their forthcoming union. The bedroom door closed with a resounding thud when he kicked it shut, his hands too busy tugging at her clothes to perform the task.

  Leah occupied herself with stripping him just as determinedly. When they were nude, he lifted her onto the bed, coming down on top of her. His touch ignited a firestorm that she had banked the past few weeks. The heat seemed like it would consume her as they spent the next few hours kissing and touching, stroking and exploring.

  Afterward, she lay beside him, spent. Nikos kissed her lightly and laid his palm across her stomach. “You are so sexy to me, with my child growing inside you.”

  Leah’s lips curved slightly. “I’ll bet you won’t say that in a few months. I’ll be huge.”

  “You could be the size of a house and still be beautiful.” He lowered his head to kiss the skin above his hand. “And sexy.”

  She couldn’t suppress a giggle when his lips tickled her. “I doubt that, but I’ll pretend like it’s true.”

  “No more pretending.” His expression had turned serious. “We have to talk, about everything.” Nikos seemed to be contemplating something. “I need to tell you…”

  Leah put her finger against his lips. “Hold that thought. I hate to be indelicate, but I have to… you know.” She waved in the direction of the en suite bathroom.

  Nikos shook his head, but appeared amused. “I am trying to pour my heart out to you, woman.”

  Her stomach clenched at his words. Was he implying what she thought he was? The moment stretched, the silence lengthening. Leah wanted to hear what he would say next, but the need became urgent, and she sat up. Separating from him was almost physically painful, and she wondered how she had made it almost three weeks without making love with him, despite her emotional turmoil.

  She hurried to the bathroom, finishing as quickly as possible. Her thighs were slick, and she frowned. Looking down, she saw blood. Her heart forgot how to beat for a moment as she stared at the blood on her legs and hand, frozen as her mind processed the implications.

  Eventually, she broke the paralysis and rushed from the bathroom, pausing only long enough to grab a robe. “I’m bleeding.”

  Nikos moved so quickly she almost didn’t see him get to his feet. He rushed to her, taking her into his arms. Tears welled, and she sobbed quietly.

  Nikos rubbed her back. “Do not cry. We were vigorous with our lovemaking, Leah. There might not even be a problem.”

  She swallowed hard, managing a shaky nod. “Maybe.”

  “Let me get dressed, and I shall take you to the hospital, just to make sure.”

  She nodded again, knowing it was the sensible decision, but reluctant to go. If there was a problem, the hospital would discover it. If she was losing the baby, she wouldn’t be able to deny it if confronted with proof. Acting instinctively, she cupped her stomach, desperate to protect her unborn child.

  The ride to the hospital was a blur. Nikos had driven her in the BMW instead of waiting for the limousine or an ambulance. She closed her eyes for most of the trip as he sped through traffic, negotiating his way through confidently, but at a speed that left her nauseated.

  He left the car idling in front of the emergency department entrance, clearly uncaring about receiving a ticket or if the vehicle was towed. Leah leaned against him when he put his arm around her, drawing strength from his support.

  The waiting room had only a few people waiting, much to her relief. Nikos checked her in while she curled into a chair, hugging herself and trying not to cry. With a start, she realized she hadn’t changed out of the robe. It was mildly embarrassing, but she couldn’t summon enough energy to really care.

  He returned to her, sitting in the next chair, and they waited. Her stomach fluttered a few times, and she had some cramps. By the time a nurse took them back to a room, she wasn’t feeling optimistic about the baby’s chances.

  Dr. Anderson entered the room a few minutes later. “I called her,” said Nikos, apparently noticing her surprise.

  Dr. Anderson performed an exam as she asked Leah questions. A few moments later, she sat on a stool by Leah’s bed. “Your cervix is still closed, so that’s a good sign. I want to get an ultrasound. The technician will bring in a portable machine as soon as he’s free.”

  “He had better be free quickly,” said Nikos with a hint of steel.

  The stool squeaked when the doctor stood up. “I’ll see what I can do to hurry the process, Mr. Andrakis.”

  When she left the room, Leah managed a feeble smile. “You’re shameless, trying to intimidate them into preferential treatment.”

  His tight lips and the lines under his eyes revealed his worry, but he also managed a little smile. “What good is it to be a captain of industry if I cannot use my position for favors?”

  She started to laugh, but a sob emerged instead. He was there in seconds, lying beside her on the narrow bed and taking her into his arms. “I’m so scared, Nikos.”

  “As am I, agapi mou.” He squeezed her gently before saying, “I am a selfish bastard.”

  Leah turned her head to look at him. “What?”

  “Our child is in danger, and all I can think of is that you’ll leave me if you lose the baby.” He studied her intently. “Promise me you won’t leave, even if the baby is… gone.”

  Leah sighed. “I can’t do this right now, Nikos. I can’t promise anything. I can’t even think clearly. I just need to know he’s okay.”

  After a second, Nikos nodded, drawing her close again. “Of course. I told you I am a selfish bastard.”

  She shook her head against his shoulder. “No. You have done some things that might be wrong, but I don’t doubt you did them for reasons you believed justified the end results. You had to protect Arianna and the company. It’s her inheritance.”

  “Leah—”

  The arrival of an ultrasound technician interrupted whatever he might have said. The man gave a frown of disapproval at seeing Nikos in the bed with her but had the good sense not to say anything.

  The cold gel made her wince when he squirted it on her stomach a couple of minutes later. “I hope we can get this abdominally,” commented the technician. “The other way isn’t pleasant.” She remembered the other method from her earlier ultrasound and winced again.

  Fortunately, the man got a clear picture and spent a few minutes looking at the screen, not uttering a word. Leah couldn’t even discern where the baby was, so she knew nothing more when the man left to fetch the obstetrician.

  The wait was interminable, though Dr. Anderson couldn’t have taken more than five minutes to arrive. Without speaking, she also performed an ultrasound. Leah studied the doctor’s face, looking for a clue in the impassive expression.

  Finally, Dr. Anderson put awa
y the probe and scooted the stool closer. “I’m sorry, Leah, but the baby stopped growing a couple of weeks ago.”

  She shook her head. “No. I still feel pregnant. I’ve had morning sickness, afternoon sickness, and fatigue.”

  Dr. Anderson seemed genuinely sad. “The baby is gone. Your body just doesn’t know it yet.”

  Nikos had been quiet, though he’d taken her hand when the doctor started speaking. “What happens now?”

  “I can admit you to the hospital overnight for a D and C in the morning, or you can take medication at home to induce the miscarriage.”

  “No.” Leah couldn’t bear the thought of that. “I don’t want to have to know, have to feel it.” She already hurt so much, deep in her heart, that she couldn’t take any more physical pain.

  “Okay.” Dr. Anderson made a notation on the computer before turning to Nikos. “We’ll do the procedure around nine in the morning, and you should be able to pick her up by two.”

  His mouth firmed. “I’m not leaving her.”

  She didn’t try to argue with him. “I’ll get you two into a room as quickly as possible.”

  Late the next afternoon, Leah clung to Nikos’s arm as he led her into their apartment building from the parking garage. The anesthetic had left her woozy, but it hadn’t dulled the emotional pain. The elevator ferried them to their floor, and he opened the door with his key instead of waiting for a maid to open it.

  As she crossed the threshold, tears slipped from her eyes. It was unbelievable that she’d been pregnant the last time she’d stood here. The tears intensified with the thought that she had been carrying a dead child just yesterday.

  Nikos didn’t try to get her to stop crying. He merely lifted her, carrying her to their room. He put her down briefly to open the door before taking her to his bed. Leah curled into a ball of misery, curving into him when he lay beside her, holding her as she wept.

  As she let out her grief, Leah looked at him through blurred eyes and saw tears on his cheeks too. That was the moment when she accepted she still loved him. The realization made her cry harder, and he held her tighter. Loving Nikos without being able to trust him was almost as painful as losing the baby that had bound them together.