The Devil Has Tattoos

by Destiny Ford

  “But you didn’t find a robber?”

  Bobby grinned. “No siree. We found one of those magic vacuum robots.”

  I blinked. “A Roomba?”

  He lifted a shoulder. “Or somethin’ like it. Somehow it got itself stuck in there. Must have knocked the door shut and then couldn’t get out so it just kept bangin’ around.”

  I gave him a suspicious look. “This sounds like something that would happen to my mom.”

  Bobby laughed. “That’s what I said. She doesn’t have one of those robot vacuums, does she?”

  “No, she doesn’t.” And I’d make sure she never got one because she could cause all sorts of chaos with it. The police would be over there constantly. We hadn’t let her get a digital voice assistant for the same reasons. She’d attempt to put flour on her grocery list and accidentally order a live camel—and then she wouldn’t want to send it back.

  Bobby shook his head. “That artificial intelligence is gonna be the end of humans, I’m tellin’ ya.”

  Most of the time I thought Bobby’s theories and opinions were a little out there, but I was kind of in agreement with him on this one.

  “Did Gil not know that he owned a Roomba?”

  “It was new. His wife bought it last week and it was still learnin’ the terrain when it got stuck. Next time it’ll know not to go in the bathroom.”

  I was pretty sure there was a setting for that.

  Gil came out of the house and I went inside to get a picture of the vacuum criminal.

  “That’s gonna be a pretty funny news story,” Gil said.

  I nodded, thinking it would probably be picked up and mocked on social media. I didn’t control the news though, I just reported it.

  I put my camera back in my bag and then caught Bobby’s expression. His eyes went wide and his face took on the look of someone that had seen something they couldn’t quite comprehend. “What in tarnation?” he said, his voice getting louder with each syllable.

  I turned and saw what I can only describe as the impossible.

  A dragon. And it was stomping toward us. The ensemble was dark purple with sequins in various shades of purple and silver on the front. It had little triangular fabric peaks going down the back of it from the top of the head to the tip of the tail, and those peaks were adorned with gold filigree that shimmered in the afternoon light. There were claws, also sequined, on the hands and feet, and a dark purple sequin mask covered the dragon’s eyes. It stood a little over five-feet tall, and from the moment I’d seen it coming, I’d recognized the stride. I would have known who it was regardless, but her matching dragon sidekick that was the same height as my dog, gave it away.

  “Never fear! I’m here to help!” my mom said, hands on her hips and tail swinging in a manner that some might find threatening.

  I stared at her outfit, completely dumbfounded. “What is…” I raised my hand up and down, gesturing to her very elaborate costume, “this?”

  “It’s my crime fighting costume!”

  I blinked, realization dawning all at once. “You joined the Speedy Superheroes Vendetta League?”

  She nodded. “Call me Cuddles!”

  I blinked. “Cuddles?”

  She flashed a smile indicating she was very proud of her naming abilities. “Isn’t it a super cute dragon name?”

  I closed my eyes and fought the urge to give up. After a few deep breaths, I was ready for more questions. “How did you know about the Speedy Superheroes?” I asked. The story hadn’t hit the paper yet.

  “Ella, silly.”

  Of course.

  I had no idea how my mom had passed the Speedy Superheroes background check. You didn’t even need a background check service to search Sophie Saxee’s name and find out she’d broken the Utah law of not committing destruction on a mass scale multiple times. I had Speedy Superhero research on my list of things to do, and now I was going to make sure I crossed it off as soon as possible.

  “With all the robberies, I’d been considering starting a neighborhood watch of my own when Ella told me about the Speedy Superheroes,” she explained. “Considering my sewing skills and crime fighting abilities, I felt uniquely qualified to join.” Her tone beamed with pride.

  I raised a brow. “Crime fighting abilities?”

  She put her hands on her hips. “I always know when something’s not right. My superpower is intuition.”

  I gave her a look. “I’d argue your superpower is creating chaos.”

  She glared.

  At least I knew she wasn’t scaling walls. That wasn’t in her human skill set, and her dragon costume was far too bulky to make an ascent.

  “Did Gandalf want to be your sidekick, or did you enlist him?” I asked.

  She gave me an affronted look. “Of course he wanted to! He wouldn’t like missing out on all the fun!” She bent down and scooped him up. His little purple costume with matching dragon peaks, sequins, gold filigree, and threatening tail matched her outfit perfectly. He was smiling like he was the happiest dog in the world.

  “Where’s the criminal?” she asked, her tone no nonsense and ready to work. “How can I help?”

  “There was no criminal,” I explained. “It was a robot vacuum misunderstanding.”

  She looked at me like I was crazy, and I felt like that response was ridiculous considering her current getup and most of her life in general.

  “I missed it?!” she cried, sounding seriously disappointed. “I came as soon as I heard the police scanner!”

  I made a note to text my dad and have him hide that sucker. This whole situation had trouble written all over it.

  “If you came as soon as you heard it on the scanner, your response time isn’t great because I’ve been here for fifteen minutes.”

  She stomped her foot. “Oh, fooey.”

  “How long does it take you to get into that costume?” I asked.

  She tilted her head, her eyebrows coming together as she thought. “I haven’t timed it, but it’s not quick.”

  I was sure of that. If I were trying to get into it, I’d need a team of people and some tools.

  “I’m not sure you took speed into account during your design process.”

  She pressed her lips together. “This was my first case and a trial run. I’ve learned a lot, including the fact that I need to get Gandalf’s costume on first because it’s too hard to maneuver once I’m in all my glory. I will make some outfit adjustments for future calls.”

  I caught Bobby’s eye and couldn’t tell if he was worried or amused that she might be at future crime scenes.

  “I can’t believe you got him to wear that,” I said, pointing to Gandalf. He didn’t mind capes and clothes, but he was a full-on baby dragon that looked like a tiny version of my mom only with more fur. I was certain that if I’d tried to put him in that outfit, fits would have been thrown. My mom probably bribed him with treats.

  “I bribed him with treats,” my mom said.

  Gandalf wagged his tail, and with it, the dragon tail wagged too. I had to admit, it was pretty cute.

  I looked at my watch. The day had been long and it was winding down. I was ready to go get some super cheesy breadsticks with ranch dressing and relax at home with my dog and dinner.

  “I’m almost done for the day, so I can take Gandalf off your hands.”

  “Oh, that’s good,” she said. “We had to walk here because I couldn’t fit in any of our vehicles and it’s a long way for his little legs.”

  She turned on her claws and made her way back home.

  Bobby laughed. “Your life is one entertainment after another.”

  I nodded. “Boring isn’t even in my vocabulary.”

  I took Gandalf, put him in his car seat, and then ordered our food.

  The breadsticks smelled like gooey cheese and bliss, and I couldn’t wait to get in the house and eat. Gandalf’s tongue was hanging out of the side of his mouth as he stared longingly at the box and I knew he felt the exact same way.<
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  As I pulled into my garage and unlatched Gandalf from his seat, I noticed two guys walking on the sidewalk in front of my house. They were tall and big, like linebackers, and one of them had a tattoo sleeve visible on his arm. They were watching me as they walked, and they weren’t being sneaky about it.

  Gandalf noticed them too, and started a low growl in the back of his throat. Every hair on the back of my neck stood up. I’d gotten a strange vibe from them, but Gandalf had too, and that made me even more concerned.

  I checked for my stun gun in my purse and walked toward them to see what they needed. As I moved in their direction, they hurried their pace and walked away. That was weird. What were they doing? And what did they want?

  I turned to go inside the house and saw my older neighbor, Phyllis, outside putting some gardening items away before winter. “Hi, Phyllis,” I said, walking toward her. Gandalf took the opportunity to chase some leaves in her yard.

  “Kate! So good to see you!” Gandalf ran over and she gave him a little pet. Gandalf and Phyllis were good friends. They’d forged a bond during our weekly date where we watched bad reality TV shows together. There had been a few occasions I’d had work calls during times my mom and dad couldn’t take Gandalf and I’d been able to drop him off with Phyllis instead. I suspected she spoiled him as much as my mom. It was adorable.

  “I’m excited for a new season of Strangers in Love.”

  Her face lit with excitement. “Me too! I’ve been reading about it and this season sounds crazy!”

  “Crazy is fun,” I said, bending down to take a leaf from Gandalf’s mouth. “Speaking of crazy, did you happen to see those two guys walking down the sidewalk a few minutes ago?”

  She nodded. “Yes. They’ve actually been by twice today. I thought maybe they were with the city because they seemed like they were looking closely at the homes and yards in the area.”

  “Were they looking at all the homes and yards, or ours specifically?”

  She thought about it. “I couldn’t say, I only noticed when they were by our houses, but they seemed very interested. It was odd.”

  “Did they come and talk to you?”

  “No. But they did wave when I saw them.”

  Hmmm, maybe they were criminals with manners. Or maybe they were trying to blend in and not succeeding. I’d never seen them around town before though, and I would have remembered the tattoo sleeve because other than Axel, not many people in Branson had one. “And you didn’t recognize them?”

  “Nope. Not at all.”

  “Okay,” I said, grabbing Gandalf from where he was chasing another leaf around the yard. This time of year was like dogapalooza and every fallen leaf became a toy. “Let me know if you see anything else strange.”

  “I will.”

  “I’ll see you for Strangers in Love! I’ll bring the caramel popcorn.”

  “I’ll make the cheese dip!”

  I smiled and waved as Gandalf and I walked into my house. I put the breadsticks on the counter and then got Gandalf out of his leash, harness, and dragon costume. I pulled the breadsticks out and ate my dinner, all the while wondering who those guys were, and why they’d been prowling around my house and street all afternoon.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It was a good morning so far. Gandalf was safe with my mom…well, as safe as he could be, my coffee was hot, and I’d already crossed multiple things off my to-do list. The carnival was tonight, so it would be a long work day, but I was excited for carnival treats. I was also looking forward to seeing Drake, which kind of surprised me, but now that I’d accepted I couldn’t keep running from my emotions, I felt lighter. Embracing the path forward instead of staying stalled was good. The idea of The Ladies and entire town being there to witness our not-totally-a-date-date did not excite me, but I’d learned that there were some things I couldn’t control and other people were one of them.

  Next up on my list was contacting the Speedy Superheroes main office. I looked at their website, found a main office phone number, and dialed.

  “Speedy Superheroes,” a perky voice on the other end answered.

  “Hi, I’m Kate Saxee, editor of The Branson Tribune in Branson Falls, Utah. A chapter of your organization was recently opened here and I was wondering if I could ask someone a few questions for a story I’m writing?”

  “Sure,” she said, a smile in her tone. “I’m Emily Brown and I help manage the various superhero chapters. How can I help you?”

  “Hi, Emily,” I said, my voice friendly. “Can you tell me how chapters of the Speedy Superheroes are organized?”

  “Of course. Once a group has at least five interested parties, they can submit an application to become a chapter. We do a background check on the individuals and if the background checks are approved, the chapter pays their application fee and they’re listed on our website and searchable for new members and people who want to enlist their help.”

  “There’s an application fee?”

  “Yes,” she said. “It helps cover the administration of the website, staff payroll, background checks, and making sure the chapters are organized and managed, and that people in need of help are connected with the superhero organization closest to them. It doesn’t seem like much, but there’s a lot of work behind the scenes and our headquarters staff is small.”

  “How much is the application fee?

  “One thousand dollars.”

  My eyes widened. “That seems high. Is it pretty comparable with other organizations?

  “It is,” she said. “There’s a lot of work that goes on at the headquarter level to make sure each chapter runs efficiently.”

  “Is that a one-time fee, or is it annual?”

  “It’s an annual fee.”

  That was a lot of money. Even if there were ten superheroes, they’d still all have to pay a fee of a hundred dollars a year. And they were volunteers. I’d have to ask our Vendetta League how many members they had, and who put up the money for the initial application.

  “From what I can tell, it seems like anyone can be a superhero—” my mom included— “even someone who might not have the best intentions. Can you tell me how the background check works?”

  “I can assure you, our superheroes are thoroughly vetted for exactly that reason. They’re required to fill out a lengthy application including all of their identifying information. Then a full background check is done through a third party security company. For liability reasons, we don’t keep the applications on file, but the security company does and the information can be used in case of legal issues. The security firm passes along any pertinent information before we make a determination about whether or not the individual is allowed to join.”

  “Have you had any problems with people joining without a background check?”

  She paused on the other end. “What do you mean?”

  I’d been thinking about this ever since my mom had threatened to start her own furry neighborhood watch. “Well, someone could simply put on a costume and start running around town saying they’re a member of the Speedy Superheroes even if they haven’t filled out the application or had the background check done.”

  She paused on the other end. “I guess that’s always a possibility. But I’ve never heard of it happening, and that’s really something that would be out of our control.”

  She was right. She couldn’t control someone lying about their involvement and pretending to be part of the team even if they weren’t. Still, that seemed like a legal liability.

  I asked her a few more questions about the organization, how many chapters they had and how long they’d been running, and took notes.

  “I think that’s all I need. Thank you for your time,” I said.

  “You’re welcome. Let me know if I can help with anything else.”

  I hung up the phone and added the new information I’d learned to the Speedy Superhero story I was working on.

  My phone buzzed with a text from my mom.


  I’m making Halloween sugar cookies and grilled cheese if you’re free for lunch.

  I was definitely free for cookies, grilled cheese, and some mid-day puppy snuggles. I grabbed my jacket and purse and told Spence I’d be back later.

  My mom and dad’s house smelled like sugar and heaven.

  “Hi, mom and dad!”

  Gandalf came running over to me, his tongue hanging out, and he spun so fast I thought he might catch a case of vertigo and fall over. He brought me a toy and we played for a few minutes.

  “Your dad’s in the garage.”

  I eyed her. “What have you done?”

  She gave me a wide-eyed innocent look. “Nothing.”

  My dad had bought a silver 1966 Ford Mustang as a project car a while ago. He worked on it a lot as a coping mechanism for my mom’s adventures. I hadn’t heard of any Catasophie’s recently so she was either keeping them a secret—which wasn’t an easy task in a small town where her daughter was the newspaper editor—or my dad was working on the car because he wanted to work on the car.

  “The cookies look good,” I said, picking up an intricately decorated little ghost with piping, sparkly sprinkles, and cute silver eyes. She also had orange pumpkins, black cats, and spiders. I stayed away from the spiders—I wasn’t a fan. I took a bite of the cherry frosting flavored cookie and it was almost as good as an orgasm…or maybe I hadn’t had a really great orgasm in so long that I’d forgotten what they were like.

  “Your sugar cookies are my favorite.”

  She beamed at the compliment. “Your dad likes them too.”

  “I could live off of them.”

  She poured me a glass of milk and I sat at the table while she made me a sandwich. It was like being ten all over again, and I was totally fine with it. I could make my own grilled cheese but for some reason, my mom’s always tasted better.