Not Perfect: A Novel

by Elizabeth Laban

  As she was about to cross Walnut Street, she saw a man walking about fifteen feet ahead of her with Stuart’s build and Stuart’s shirt. She crossed before she had the light, and a car stopped short, honking at her. She jogged ahead. As she got closer, she saw the man didn’t have Stuart’s hair, so it wasn’t Stuart. This man was balding a bit in the back, which Stuart wasn’t. Maybe he was now. How long did it take to start balding? She jogged a little faster, thinking she’d jog by and turn to look at him, but before she could, he stopped and looked her way. It took her a second to realize it was the homeless man she had given Stuart’s clothes to. He was dressed in Stuart’s shirt, pants, and shoes, and he looked so normal. Was that the same guy? Yes, it definitely was. Tabitha remembered his nose and his eyebrows. He saw her, but there was no recognition. She remembered his sign, saying he needed some kindness. She needed some kindness. If she weren’t so worried about running into someone she knew, maybe she’d try holding a sign like that, too, and see what she could get. Or maybe she should drive to another town and try it. As she walked by him she smiled, just to see, and he recognized her and he smiled back and tipped a pretend hat. She moved past him, feeling her caffeine buzz begin to wane ever so slightly. She needed to keep going before she lost it completely.

  When she got to Nora’s apartment building, she went right in, past the desk and to the elevator. She took it to the second floor, crossed the hall, and slowly opened the door. She felt like she could climb the side of the building or swim across a river. She felt like she could do anything, so she might as well do this.

  “Nora,” she called into the apartment. “Nora?”

  “In here, dear,” Nora called back.

  Tabitha closed the door behind her and walked to the kitchen, expecting to see Nora there baking muffins, but it was empty. She walked into the living room, and there was Nora with her feet up and a magazine on her lap. When she saw Tabitha she smiled big.

  “Well, dear, I was thinking about you,” she said. “I’m so glad you came to visit me.”

  “I’m glad to see you,” Tabitha said, taking a seat across from Nora. “Do you want to play Monopoly?”

  Tabitha had to slow down. She must sound like she was on speed or something. But Nora didn’t seem to notice, or at least she didn’t seem to care.

  “Why yes, dear,” Nora said. “I was just thinking, it is a lovely morning for a game. Can you get it, dear? I’ve hurt my leg, so I can’t walk on it right now. It’s over there, on the shelf.”

  Tabitha thought she could just lift the box and run. Nora would never be able to find her, and with a bad leg she wouldn’t even be able to try to come after her. Oh my god! Tabitha thought to herself. What is happening to me?

  “Do you have another game, Nora?” Tabitha asked, thinking she needed some time to think. “Anything else?”

  “Only cards, and I love Monopoly,” Nora said. “I was hoping someone would play with me today.”

  “Speaking of which, why are you alone again?” Tabitha asked. “Shouldn’t there be someone here with you?”

  “You’re here with me, dear,” Nora said. “You’re someone.”

  “That’s true,” Tabitha said, letting it go. She walked to the shelf and pulled out the Monopoly box. She walked back to Nora and placed it on the small table in front of her. She’d let Nora open it. She watched as Nora pulled the top off. It took effort, and Tabitha knew she should help, but she felt she should let this play out as much as possible without her direct involvement. Once the lid was off, Tabitha saw all the money. It was there, bright and beautiful. Without a word, Nora got to work setting up the board and giving each of them the right amount of money for their banks. She watched Nora touch the bills. They might as well have been play money for all the respect she was giving them.

  “Sit, dear,” Nora said, slowly putting her legs down one at a time, so she was at a better angle. As she set the second leg down, she groaned.

  “What happened to your leg?” Tabitha asked.

  “Oh, silliness!” she said, waving it off. “Pure silliness!”

  “You go first, Nora,” Tabitha said.

  “Don’t mind if I do,” she said, putting her hands together and rubbing them. She rolled and moved her piece. A clock chimed nine times, and Tabitha couldn’t believe it was still so early. She felt like she’d lived a whole day since she had said good-bye to the kids. She had two hours, then she’d go home and change for her lunch with Toby. Maybe she’d get one more coffee on the way.

  They took turns for an hour, buying hotels (Nora’s favorite thing to do), paying each other, and each spending some time in jail. Tabitha kept thinking, I’m going to take it now, I’m going to take it now. But she just couldn’t do it. If she pocketed any of the bills, Nora would notice the next time she set up the bank. This was a bad idea.

  “Can I use your bathroom, Nora?” Tabitha asked. She had to wrap this up. She wanted to leave, and she needed a moment to pull herself together.

  “Of course, dear,” Nora said, putting her leg back on the ottoman and sitting back, away from the table, with a sigh. “It’s just through there.”

  Tabitha hadn’t been beyond the living room before. She walked down a short hallway and saw a bedroom with a neatly made bed ahead of her and a bathroom on her left. It was bright yellow, and the light was on. She went in and closed the door, even though she didn’t really have to go to the bathroom. What she needed was to think. As she moved to the sink to wash her hands, she saw a big glass mason jar full of money. She looked closer. What was going on? There were tens, twenties, one-hundred-dollar bills. So many of them. Why did Nora have all this cash? Was it that she didn’t trust banks? She’d heard of that before, but she piled the people who didn’t trust banks into a category with the people who thought the landing on the moon was a fake, set up in a television studio somewhere. Nora didn’t seem that out of touch. She was really starting to like her, more than she probably should. Tabitha wiped her hands on a yellow towel with an embroidered sun, making sure they were completely dry. She reached into the jar and pulled out a twenty, then a ten. She looked at the bills, they seemed as normal as any bill she had ever seen. She stuffed them back in and just stared at the jar. She turned to leave, just walk away, and she saw a piece of yellow construction paper taped to the back of the door saying: TAKE ME and YES, THAT MEANS YOU and MONEY MIGHT NOT GROW ON TREES, BUT IT DOES GROW IN JARS.

  What was going on here? This entire thing had to be the most elaborate setup in the history of television. But, she kept asking herself, how did they know she was going to keep coming back? She turned back to the jar. It was a big jar. She bet there were thousands of dollars in that jar. She reached in again and pulled out a twenty, then another one. It didn’t even begin to make a dent in the stash.

  She thought of Fern, and the medical bills, and how much she wanted to be able to get everything bagels and anything else she wanted while they were trying to figure out what was wrong with her leg. “And please, please don’t let that be anything terrible,” Tabitha said out loud, startling herself. And, on top of all that, there were signs telling her to take it! But really, she didn’t know who those notes were meant for, or if they were even real. Tabitha knew it would be weeks before any of the doctor or hospital bills started trickling in, but she felt them out there, tracking her down, eyeing her, coming her way. She had managed to pay the minimum balance on her credit card each month, the one with her maiden name on it, but that was going to get harder to do.

  She’d been gone too long. She had to go back to Nora. She wanted the money. Just a little more. Would Nora really notice if some of it was gone? She couldn’t even walk, there was no way she counted it regularly. She reached in and fished around for a fifty and a hundred, then another one of each. She folded the bills and slid them into her pants pocket. She made sure everything looked fine and she walked out, deciding to leave the light on the way she found it, in case that was some kind of trick.

  She walk
ed slowly back to the living room, working hard to keep her breath steady. She was all ready to say something like: Sorry, I had a bit of a stomach ache, or, I had way too much coffee this morning, or possibly, but she wasn’t sure she dared, Nora, why do you have so much money just out for the taking? when she saw that Nora was asleep, her head against the back of the chair and her leg up on the ottoman. Tabitha walked closer to her. She wasn’t sure what to do. Should she wake up Nora? Should she put the game back? Should she leave a note? In the end, she did none of those things. She just walked out quietly, pulling the door closed behind her.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Tabitha couldn’t believe how much money three hundred and forty dollars felt like in her pocket. She could do anything! She could buy as much coffee as she wanted. She could buy any sandwich, any sweater. She could take herself out to lunch. But she didn’t have to take herself out to lunch, since Toby was taking her. In fact, she picked up her pace, because she realized she didn’t have that much time. He had sent a text last night asking her to meet him at Square on Square at twelve fifteen—the Chinese restaurant in her neighborhood that served her favorite wonton soup. She loved that he picked such an unassuming, cozy place for their date. She felt giddy! She had money! She had to stop herself from skipping down the street.

  She veered slightly out of her way to stop at Spread Bagelry.

  “A dozen everything bagels,” she said to the young man behind the counter. “And a cream cheese and some salmon, please.” She felt like she had walked into Tiffany’s to ask for the diamond bracelet in the case. She watched as he gathered her order and rang it up.

  “That will be twenty-nine dollars even,” he said nonchalantly, like everyone could afford nearly thirty dollars for bagels and toppings. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the small wad, then handed him the two twenties, which he took without any indication that what was happening here was nothing short of miraculous. He handed her the change, and she slipped the one-dollar bill into the tip jar.

  “Thanks,” he said.

  She turned and walked back to Locust, through the Square, and home. She had thirty minutes to change and meet Toby.

  When she got to her apartment, her landline was ringing. She was so hyped up from the day so far that she leaned over and answered it, regretting it only after she pushed the “talk” button and said hello.

  “Tabitha?” a voice said. “This is Rabbi Rosen.”

  Despite her good fortune, or whatever she wanted to call it, she felt so far away from that moment when she had called the synagogue. Had she really done that? What she needed was more coffee, so she could remember what she was feeling when she made the call.

  “Hi, Rabbi,” she said. She’d let him lead the conversation.

  “Am I getting you at a bad time?” he asked.

  “Well, I have to meet someone soon, but I have a minute.”

  “Oh good,” he said. “Because I got your rather concerning message just now, saying Levi wants to postpone his bar mitzvah? Is this true?”

  She took a deep breath.

  “Yes, it is true,” she said. “I’m sorry I left the message that way, I guess I didn’t know how to tell you. Stuart has been away for a long time, and I think it’s taken a toll, I think it has definitely taken the wind out of Levi’s sails.”

  “When will Stuart be back?” he asked in a way that made her believe Stuart would one day be back.

  “Well,” she said, so tired of lying. “That’s a good question.”

  “Tell you what,” he said. “Why don’t you and Levi come in, and we’ll talk? There are so many different ways to do this. We can talk through the options. He’s worked so hard already, I would hate to see him throw that away.”

  “That sounds good,” she said, not sure at all that it really sounded good. “When?”

  “I have time tomorrow afternoon. Can we say four thirty?”

  “Sure,” she said. “See you then.”

  Tabitha ran into her bedroom. She was going to change, maybe into a dress or skirt. She looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a maroon sweater and jeans. She liked how she looked, and they weren’t going anyplace fancy. She decided not to change, brushed her teeth and hair, and left.

  She arrived at the nondescript storefront five minutes early but went in anyway. She was greeted right away.

  “I’m meeting someone,” she said. “I’m not sure if we have a reservation. Maybe under Tarrabay or Toby.”

  She looked around the restaurant. It was full, and she didn’t see Toby. The server nodded and was about to walk away when Toby rushed in, out of breath.

  “Sorry, sorry,” he said. “I wanted to beat you here.”

  “No problem,” she said, surprised by how happy she was to see him.

  He turned to the server. “I called ahead,” he said. “Table for two, please.”

  The server looked around the room. There were clearly no tables available downstairs. Tabitha expected him to tell them it would be a wait, but instead he grabbed two menus, with purpose, and walked past them to a staircase behind them. She never liked to sit upstairs here, because it made her feel far away from the action, but Toby didn’t seem to mind, and she didn’t want to seem difficult, so she followed the server with Toby right behind her. When they got to the top, she saw the room was entirely empty, just as she thought it would be. She didn’t want to be isolated—she wanted other people around. But Toby accepted the table the server pointed to, and got right to looking at the menu.

  “The dumplings are great here,” he said. “Really, everything is good.”

  Tabitha took her seat and looked around, feeling suddenly uncomfortable and wondering if she had made a mistake by jumping into this too fast.

  “What do you like?” Toby asked, looking up from the menu with a concerned look in his eye. “Are you okay here?”

  “Yes, of course,” she said, pulling her chair closer to the table and trying to relax. “I always like it downstairs better.”

  “Actually, I do, too,” he said, which made her relax even more. “But this is okay. I’m just happy to be here with you.”

  Tabitha smiled. Toby closed his menu.

  “We never really finished our talk at the game about what is going on with you, with me, with each of us. I guess we barely started it,” he said.

  The waiter came over and put two glasses of ice water on the table.

  “Can I get you anything to drink?”

  “Do you like champagne?” Toby asked Tabitha. At first she thought he was joking, but she realized he wasn’t.

  “Sure,” she said.

  “Two glasses of champagne, please.”

  She waited for him to start the conversation again, but he just smiled at her. She liked that he didn’t feel he had to talk all the time. Stuart was a professional talker. It was like he could never just be quiet or that the silence might reveal something he didn’t want to be revealed. Now she was starting to understand why. But this was nice. She liked this.

  When the glasses arrived, he held his up to make a toast. She raised her glass.

  “I want to make a toast,” he said. “To you—for being someone who makes me want to get to know her better. I haven’t met anyone like that in a long time. Wherever the dumplings may take us, I am grateful for that.”

  “Cheers,” she said.

  As if the server were waiting behind a curtain for the cue of Toby finishing his toast, he emerged with a full tray and set down the promised dumplings along with chicken skewers, two egg rolls (the old-fashioned kind), scallion pancakes, and shrimp toast. Tabitha was confused, since they hadn’t ordered, but she was hungry, and she filled her plate. She thought about mentioning how much she liked the soup here, but decided there was plenty already.

  “How did he know what we wanted?” she asked.

  “Oh, I ordered a sample menu when I called.”

  “Then why were you looking at the menu?” she asked.

  “I don’
t know, it gave me something to do?” Toby said. “But please, if there is something you want that you don’t see here, order it. I was just taking my best guess.”

  “No, this all looks great,” she said. She smiled again and took another sip of the sparkling wine. It was so sweet it could have been soda, but she didn’t mind.

  “I’ll start,” he said, like they had agreed upon something to talk about. But she knew what he meant. “First, I should say, and I think this is important, I wasn’t looking to meet someone. Honestly. I was just going to the bar to, well, to root for Michigan, and because I was lonely. The fewer meals I have to have alone the better, right? So . . .” he trailed off.

  “That’s exactly why I was there, too,” Tabitha said. “The food!”

  They both laughed. Tabitha could have said more, that she wasn’t looking to meet anyone either, but it seemed so ridiculous, so obvious, whether he realized it or not; she just couldn’t bring herself to say it.

  “That reminds me,” she said. “I thought you said you didn’t eat meat.”

  “I said I don’t eat a lot of meat,” he said. “And that’s true. But I do eat some.”

  “Oh, okay,” Tabitha said, reshuffling her vision of him. He wasn’t a vegetarian. That was good. She loved meat.

  “Okay, so the hard stuff,” Toby said. “You know a tiny bit. My wife and I are legally separated and moving toward divorce.”

  He paused, and Tabitha thought, Actually I didn’t know that. But instead of saying it, she nodded as if to say, Go on.

  “I know I mentioned an incident, for which I am responsible. I’m sure that conjures up all kinds of ideas in your mind. I’m willing and open to talking about it, if you want me to.”