Worship

by Jennifer Domenico

“Hopefully it will bring you some peace.”

  “I’m already quite at peace, as I hope you are.”

  “Perfectly.”

  “Good.”

  We finish walking inside and Erika grabs my arm. “It’s like so tense between the two of you. Good tense, like you’re just going to tear each other up any second. It’s kind of hot to witness.”

  “So it’s not my imagination?”

  “No.” She shakes her head. “It was tangible.”

  We find our seats and wait for all the pomp and ritual to begin. I should feel guilty for seducing him, but I don’t. I don’t buy into the whole celibacy thing at all. Why can’t he marry and have a family like other men can? Why can’t he love a woman and love God? I don’t get it.

  After a few songs and prayers, Diego walks to the altar. He stands before us, silent and commanding. When he opens his mouth, I’m startled for a moment when he starts in Italian, but then remember where we’re at.

  “Today I want to tackle a topic we all battle from time to time, even priests.” He gazes around the room. “The topic is guilt.”

  My brow furrows. I thought he said he was at peace.

  “We all grew up believing we should feel guilty when we fail or slip. You come to confession and tell me all your misdeeds and ask for penance, and sometimes even though you have been absolved and received God’s mercy, you tell me that the guilt lingers.” He paces slowly in front of us. “Priests suffer too. We fail and slip at times. We are just as human and mortal as you are. We experience jealousy, insecurity, and yes, at times, lust.”

  I hear a few soft gasps before he continues.

  “You are surprised? Why? The only perfect human is our Lord who lives in heaven. Anyone walking around right now struggles with the same human emotions as you do. I am not immune.”

  My heart sinks a bit. Is this his passive aggressive way of telling me he’s struggling?

  “I’ve been thinking a lot on the topic lately. I’ve devoted my prayers and this week’s message to this topic because, children, I want to lift this burden from your shoulders.”

  I perk up a bit.

  “I want you to know in your heart that you are more loved than you could ever know, and you are forgiven for your faults and weaknesses. When you examine your conscience and come before your Lord, He showers His mercy over you and wants only your happiness. He doesn’t want you walking around beating yourself up. He gives His love for this reason.” Diego’s eyes meet mine for a moment. “I was faced recently with a situation that caused me to examine my own conscience. I felt guilt and even some shame for my weakness, but after much prayer and meditation, I believe, as I want you to believe, that many of the things that come our way in life, that seem to be a challenge, were really sent to bless us. Even if it seems the opposite of a blessing, or if it seems that it could go against your Lord’s desires, if you stop and look, you may realize that it is everything it should be and it was meant for you. You may know you will be judged by people around you, but their judgement is not your concern. If you feel some guilt, examine your conscience, pray, seek reconciliation and counseling to guide your thoughts. If you’ve done all those things and find that you are wrong, walk away and repent, but if you know that what you are doing is right and good, then release your guilt.”

  Diego moves on to the remainder of the service and as communion begins, I sit in my seat stunned by his message. Erika squeezes my hand and smiles. “He loves you.”

  I nod. “I know.”

  “I have a good feeling it’s going to work out.”

  I shift my eyes back to Diego as he delivers communion. I sure hope so.

  ∞∞∞

  After mass, Erika and I walk down the cobbled streets toward the main piazza. As we turn the corner, my phone rings in my handbag.

  “Hello?”

  “It’s me. Where are you?”

  “Piazza Santa Croce. We’re starving.”

  “Can I meet you?”

  “Of course.”

  “I’ll be there in ten.”

  “Okay.” I hang up and look over to Erika. “Father Fire is joining us.”

  “Want me to bail?”

  “No. Not at all. We need to catch up anyway. Other than work, we’ve been missing each other.”

  “Yeah. I better tell you something juicy before the priest shows up.”

  I laugh. “He’s hardly in a position to judge.”

  “Ah. True.”

  We find a bench and sit down. “What’s up?”

  “Well…” Erika nods looking around the piazza. “I’ve been having some fun.”

  “What kind of fun?”

  “Dancing. Nightclubs. A few cute boys.”

  “Yeah? Anything promising?”

  “Nah. Just fun. After this project is complete, I want to be free to go wherever the next one is, you know?”

  “In eighteen months.”

  Erika laughs. “I’m twenty-five. I should be screwing every hot guy in Italy right now.”

  “Sure. Just be safe.”

  “Always.” She twists a lock of her now dark brown hair around her finger. “So, I did kind of want to tell you something that happened.”

  “Okay.”

  “I, um, participated in a little orgy last weekend.”

  My eyes open wide. “An orgy? Are you serious?”

  “I mean, I guess that’s what you call it. There were a bunch of us. Like ten I think.”

  “Ten people?”

  “Yeah. I was at this club talking to this woman. She was sitting by herself, and so I sat next to her. She looked American and I was right. We started talking and drinking and then her man shows up. He hangs out for a while and he’s like kissing on her and groping her and she’s just like fine with it. She met him here.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “After a little while, they asked if I wanted to go to a party with them. I was feeling it, so I said yes. We go to this house and when we walk inside, it was clear what was going down.”

  “And? You were cool with that?”

  She shrugs. “Why not? It’s an experience right?”

  “I guess so.”

  “So I started with the couple I met and then we were all in a room just going at it. Men, women, just a mass of tangled bodies getting it on.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah. I had my first girl on girl experience.”

  My mouth drops open. “Dang, girl. Did you like it?”

  She twists her lips for a second. “I’m not sure. I was kind of drunk and super turned on so everything was awesome, you know?”

  “I get that.”

  “I don’t know if it would’ve been the same one on one.”

  “Will you do it again?”

  “A big group?” I nod. “No, I don’t think so. I just think before I settle down and get married someday, I want to have done it all. No questions left.”

  I think for a second. “You went down on a girl?”

  Erika throws her head back in laughter. “Sure did. Several of them.”

  “I don’t think I could do that.”

  “I didn’t think I could either, but in the moment, I was all about it.”

  “I guess if a guy can do it, a girl can too.”

  “Oh yeah, there were guys totally sucking off other guys.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah and they weren’t gay. I mean, not entirely. They were both, you know.”

  “I guess everybody kind of was.”

  “Yeah. So that’s what I’ve been up to.” We both laugh, but stop when Diego approaches. “Don’t you dare tell him.”

  “I would never. Your secret is safe with me.”

  “Same.”

  “Good thing. PS- what’s with the t-shirt and jeans?”

  “He does that.”

  “Fire.”

  I just laugh.

  “Hi, ladies.”

  “Father,” Erika says. “Nice service today.”

  “Th
ank you.” He bows slightly. “I hope the message was inspired. My muse visited last night. I hope she’s proud.”

  I smile. “She is.”

  “Good. I thought the three of us could have a nice meal like normal people do.”

  “Normal people?”

  “Yes, Julia, normal people. Like you and Erika. I want to remember what life is like outside the walls of a church.”

  “I understand. What should we talk about?”

  “Art. The beautiful weather. What you do whenever you’re not with me. Erika could certainly share what she does for fun.”

  She practically chokes as she starts to cough.

  “Are you okay?”

  I laugh. “She’s fine. I don’t think she’s ready for confession.”

  “Ah.” Diego laughs. “Well, luckily I’m off duty.”

  Erika looks up smiling. “I’ll keep that in mind, Father.”

  “Diego. Call me Diego.”

  “Sure.”

  Diego claps his hands together once. “I know a great place at the other side of the piazza that makes the absolute best carbonara in town. How’s that sound?”

  I stand and smile. “Fantastic.”

  “I’m game.”

  The three of us stroll down the street as Diego greets every person who passes. We get more than a few lingered glances, and I can only imagine what it would be like if Erika wasn’t with us.

  “Julia says you cook?”

  Diego nods. “I do. A priest’s life practically demands it although I’m almost always invited to dine with a family in town. I accept a few periodically just to stay approachable.”

  “Do women ever come on to you?”

  I shoot her a look. “Erika.”

  “It’s a legit question. He’s single, he’s a priest, he’s young and he’s good looking.”

  Diego chuckles. “It’s okay, Julia. It’s happened a few times, but fortunately not too often. It’s easy to decline advances when you have an out like mine.”

  “I bet. The ultimate cock block.”

  I shake my head. “No filter.”

  Diego smiles. “I like your honesty. It’s refreshing. A lot of people censor themselves around me. I understand why obviously, but it’s nice to be around people that are real.”

  “Oh, Erika’s real alright.”

  “Stop.” She gives me a look before she starts laughing.

  “Private joke?”

  I shake my head. “No, let’s just say Erika’s living la dolce vita while we’re here.”

  “She should. She’s young.”

  “Yeah, I’m young.”

  “Do you counsel people to stay abstinent until marriage?” I ask. “I mean, that’s the church’s teaching.”

  Diego nods. “I cater my counseling to the situation. If a very young person comes to me with doubts and concerns about it, I might caution them to wait for marriage. If an older person comes who’s in a relationship, I may just help them do some soul searching to make the best choice for them.” He smiles. “I will say that my approach to church doctrine is progressive and somewhat unconventional.”

  Erika grins. “Which totally makes sense all things considered.”

  I shake my head at her. “Anyway, I bet people appreciate your approach.”

  “I want people to feel loved and accepted by the church. Not judged for being human. I believe we alienate people sometimes.”

  “Yeah,” Erika starts. “We have a friend back at home. He’s from a huge Hispanic family. They’re deeply religious and he was into it. Completely devout, but at nineteen he came out.” Diego nods. “Family flipped. Dragged him to the priest, who treated him like he was possessed. They tried to make him go to counseling. It was terrible.”

  I nod. “I remember that.”

  “He ended up bitter and depressed. Almost committed suicide, but his boyfriend saved him. He left the church, obviously, but it broke his heart. He felt like they turned on him.”

  “I’m sorry that happened to your friend.”

  “Have you counseled anyone who was gay?”

  “Numerous times.” He smiles. “Again, it depends on what’s going on. Young, single people are a different discussion than a priest or a married man.”

  “Sure. Your job must be kind of hard, but also cool.”

  “That’s a good way to describe it.”

  We finish our walk to the restaurant and after we’re seated and order our wine, the three of us sit in silence for a moment.

  “What do you want to do in Italy that you haven’t yet?”

  I glance up at Diego’s question to me. “A ton of stuff. I haven’t seen much at all. I’d love to go Florence even though I studied abroad there two summers ago. It would be nice to see it again with fresh eyes.”

  “Anywhere else?”

  “Rome, of course. The Vatican.”

  Erika sips her water. “Have you been there?”

  He nods. “Several times.”

  “Have you met the Pope?”

  “Several times.”

  “So cool.” She looks at me. “Isn’t that cool?”

  “Yeah. It’s a world none of us can possibly understand.”

  Diego looks down at his glass briefly. “It’s very different from a secular life. Everything we do is scripted, ordained, structured. The expectations can be confining, but you have to focus on why you’re doing it.”

  Erika studies his face, and I just know an invasive question is coming. “Why do you do it? Isn’t it hard? I mean, especially now with Julia.”

  “It is hard sometimes, yes.” He smiles. “Especially now.” He takes a drink of water. “I’ll tell you both a secret.”

  Erika nods glancing at me. “Tell us.”

  “There are many priests, and nuns too, who have relationships. Some even have children. It’s not uncommon at all.”

  “Well, yeah we’ve all heard about the scandals.”

  “God, Erika.”

  “What, Julia? If we can’t talk to Diego about it, who can we talk to?”

  “No, she’s right. It’s okay. I’ve been asked lots of times about priests and inappropriate behavior. I was talking about consensual relationships between adults.”

  Erika nods. “Oh. Really?”

  “Really. I took a class on counseling my peers who may seek help in this regard. It’s a dirty little secret that isn’t well kept within our community.”

  “So what you two are doing—”

  “Jesus, Erika. Can you be more crass?”

  She rolls her eyes. “It’s not like I didn’t come to his apartment this morning with clothes for you. Don’t act so shocked.”

  “We’re in public. Can you try to be a little more discreet?”

  “I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m just super curious about all of this.”

  “Tell you what. Why don’t I have the both of you over for dinner one night soon and you can ask anything you want?”

  “Really?” She looks at me. “Is that cool?”

  “Of course.”

  “Good. We’ll plan a time.” Diego focuses on me. “For now, let’s just enjoy lunch, and then if my luck holds out, I can visit with you later alone.”

  Erika leans across the table. “You mean nail her again.”

  I shake my head while Diego just laughs.

  ∞∞∞

  Lying on my couch reading a book, my mind shifts to Diego. In a few hours, I should be able to see him, but I can’t seem to wait. An idea hits me that brings a smile to my face. I’ll surprise him. I run and take a quick shower, put on a dress, and run my fingers through my hair leaving it in waves. Satisfied with my appearance, I leave to go to the church.

  When I arrive, I walk in slowly, making sure he doesn’t see me. Standing in the back near the entrance, I watch Diego preparing for confession service. He’s wearing his cassock, which drives me wild. It’s so wrong to be turned on by his priest attire, but I can’t help it. He looks so good. He’s not aware of me as he slips
inside the booth. I only have a few minutes until the faithful begin filing in to receive their penance, so I walk quietly to the front. Standing at the booth’s door, I exhale slowly and twist the handle. Diego looks up at me in surprise.

  “Julia. What are you doing in here?”

  I don’t say a word as I close the door behind me. The space is small but big enough for what I have planned. Diego’s eyes question me as I slide down to my knees. Without words, I begin to unbutton his cassock.

  He puts his hand over mine. “Julia?”

  “I came to serve you, Father.” He only groans in response as I finish my task and reveal his already rock hard cock. “To worship at my altar.” I stroke him slowly, fixing my eyes on his. “I’m your angel, Diego. Here for your pleasure.”

  He says nothing, but strokes my hair as I suck him into my mouth. I focus on my task as quietly as possible aware of the people entering the sanctuary. It shouldn’t turn me on, but I feel like I’m about to explode. When I gaze up at Diego, he’s watching me intently, his chest heavy with breath. After a few minutes, I stand, straddling him and slowly unbutton the front of my dress. He hungrily gropes me, sucking my hardened nipples into his hot mouth as I grind my hips into his. He grips my ass, pulling me closer.

  “Take your panties off,” he whispers in my ear.

  I climb off his lap just long enough to get the material off, then I press them into his hand as I mount him once again. I rub against him as I guide him inside me. We both exhale sharply. He feels like paradise.

  “You’re so…” Diego grips my neck. “So good. You feel so good.”

  I cup his face, kissing his mouth as I bounce slowly up and down on his amazing cock. My hands find his hair as his find my breasts, squeezing and kneading like he does. I throw my head back, lost in the pleasure and sheer taboo of what we’re doing right now.

  “Stand up,” he commands.

  I stand, balancing myself on his shoulders as he buries his face between my legs, licking me as if I’m his last meal. After a minute of this, I slide back on his cock. We both freeze when the door on the other side opens and closes.

  “Shit.” My eyes meet his as I try to get away, but Diego holds me close.

  “Shhh,” he whispers. “We’re not done.”

  A smile pulls at my lips as I continue my grind and Diego does the unbelievable. He slides open the little door over the screen, pulling me close and out of eyesight.