And God Belched

by Rob Rosen

  And so, we listened intently as the watch simultaneously translated. When they were finally out of range, we all looked at each other.

  “Government prison,” I said. “What makes this different from a regular prison?” Tag shrugged, and so I added, “Earth watch, they kept saying. Is that the name of a company, an experiment, what?”

  “There is no official organization known by that name,” Tag replied.

  “And unofficial?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Checking gossip news.” There was a brief pause. “Earth-Watch, one word, hyphenated, is an underground organization that has been studying your planet since the universes converged.”

  “Milo told me that your planet had been monitoring ours,” I said. “That wasn’t a secret. He said it was like watching TV, except that your people got bored with us and changed the channel years ago. So, what’s different about these guys?”

  Tag turned and looked at me. My cock twitched every time our eyes locked. With his halo of light and sparkling pools of green, it was like gazing at an angel. In fact, I now knew what a moth felt like when it encountered a flame. Pfft! What a brilliant way to go. Then again, a moth never crashed into a watch. “It’s all rumor, conjecture, but Earth-Watch purportedly means to utilize your species in order to save our own. They might have already infiltrated your planet, in fact. Impossible to say, seeing as, officially, they don’t exist.”

  “Wait, what?” I said.

  “They don’t exist,” he repeated.

  “No, back up,” I said.

  “To which part?”

  I sighed. Really? The part you glossed over, you stupid hologram. “The part about using our species to save yours. Save your species from what?”

  To which Craig added, and wisely so, “And utilize us how?”

  I nodded. “Milo promised: no dissecting, no anal probes.”

  Tag did that head tilt he did when he hadn’t a clue what I was talking about. “How would anal probing help us? Is this some strange Earth custom?”

  Craig chuckled and aimed his brow my way. “For some.”

  I shook my head. “Anyway, back to our questions, please.”

  Tag looked around, then pointed around. “I thought you knew.”

  “Knew? Knew what? I still don’t know!” I shouted. I looked at Craig. “Do you know?”

  He squinted up at the sky. He, too, looked around. He scratched his chin, and then looked back my way. “Eight hundred people in this city,” he said, and Tag nodded. “There used to be more, though, right?”

  “Six million or so.”

  “What?” I said. “Six million? When was this? Where did they all go?”

  “Dead,” Tag said.

  “Dead?” I said. “Killed, all at the same time? By what, a meteor, a virus, enemy planet?” I had several more movie options, all of them starring Tom Cruise, but I was suddenly out of breath.

  “No,” said Tag. “Old age, I suppose. Most of them, anyway.” He looked at Craig. He looked at me. “It’s been more than seven hundred years, so the data is, as you say, sketchy.”

  My eyes went from looking at Tag to looking at Craig. “Lost, little bro.”

  He nodded. “You told me that Milo told you that the difference between our species and his, at least from a genetic standpoint, is an extra sex chromosome, namely Z. But I’m guessing there’s more to it than that.”

  Tag nodded knowingly, a frown quickly giving chase. “Your Y chromosome, it has few active genes, especially as compared to the rest of your chromosomal makeup. Ours, however, no longer has any, hence the evolvement of the Z chromosome. In time, your Y chromosome will lose all function, but that time is millions of years into your future.”

  “Wait,” I said. “From what little I know about genetics, which is slight, at best, only males have Y chromosomes. So, no Y chromosomes, no males. No males, no babies.”

  Tag again nodded. “It’s a simplistic explanation, but yes, more or less.”

  “My brother does simplistic well,” Craig interjected. “But there are people here. Few, it seems, but people just the same.”

  Tag sighed, which was strange, seeing as he had no lungs. “Genetic mutation. The Z chromosome, for a rare select few, enables births, seeing as it evolved from the Y. As the latter was in its death throes, the former was given life. Ergo, we are still a species.”

  “Ergo!” shouted Craig.

  “Oh God,” I sighed—after all, I do have lungs. “Not that again.”

  “Lost me,” said Tag.

  “Welcome to the club,” said I. “Anyway, what does all that have to do with us? Us humans, I mean?”

  “The other planets in our solar system, Planets Three, Four and Six, all have similar problems.”

  It was then I understood. I mean, I might be slow on the uptake, but I eventually suck it all in, so to speak. “Twenty-plus years ago, our two universes aligned, connected, still connect, even if only for short periods at a time. We, therefore, are your closest neighbor with a similar genetic makeup and a working Y chromosome.”

  “Bingo,” said Craig.

  “And this Earth-Watch? They mean to take advantage of this, while the getting’s good?”

  “What’s a getting?” Tag asked.

  “Never mind,” I said. “But how does Milo fit into all this?”

  Craig raised his hand. “This planet has a no-contact law. Milo made contact. Milo, potentially, ruined their plans. We know about them now. We could, in theory, prepare for an invasion, if that is their goal. We know where the contact point is, the portal. We could amass an army in San Francisco. They’re stronger by far, but far fewer in number, too. We could, most likely, annihilate them, if need be.”

  Tag’s nodding returned. “That would all make sense. If such an organization does exist, and if they were planning to utilize your genetic makeup to enhance our own, Milo’s indiscretion could lay waste to their plans.”

  “But I’m barely out of college, and a mediocre college at that, and still living with his parents,” I said by way of an objection. “Who would believe me? Plus, until this very moment, I didn’t even know any of this.”

  “But they don’t know that,” said Craig. “And, even if they did, in time, Milo could’ve told you more, perhaps tipped you off, even if you’re not so easily tipped.”

  I grimaced. “Must you?”

  He smiled. “Oh, I must.” He looked at Tag again. “If we crossed through the portal, then it’s possible for others to do the same, through different portals. Do you think they’ve already done so, put their plan into action?”

  Tag shrugged. “No idea. As far as the databases are saying, this organization doesn’t even exist. As to what they’re planning, what they’ve accomplished, that’s impossible to say. Unless…”

  Craig pointed at the squat building in front of us. “Unless, we get inside there.”

  “And rescue Milo,” I added.

  They both nodded. I nodded right along with them. We suddenly looked like a trio of bobbleheads.

  “Well?” I asked. “Any ideas?”

  Craig pointed at me. “You have the government-issued outfit and security card. I can’t get in without the latter. And I’m guessing there are sensors that would prevent me from piggy-backing inside with you.”

  My heart began to lub-dub in double-time. “So, you’re saying I should go in there all by myself?”

  Craig reached over and tapped the watch. “Not alone.”

  “I’ll be with you the entire time,” Tag said reassuringly. Though I wasn’t reassured. I knew the Tag standing next to me was only just a hologram, even if he felt real to me. Which meant, if I went in there, I’d be on my own—me, the guy who didn’t even like to go to the mall by himself.

  And so, I did the smart thing. “Here,” I said to Craig, handing him the security card. “You go.”

  “But I’m only eighteen,” objected Craig.

  “And he looks even younger,” said Tag. “Fifteen, maybe.”


  “Hey!” objected Craig.

  I sighed. This wasn’t getting us anywhere. And the truth of the matter was that Milo was in there. I felt it, felt it even stronger now, probably since we were so close to him now. It was as if I had a collar on, and a leash was being pulled, yanking me toward him. In other words, I knew I had to go in.

  I turned to Craig. “You’ll be alone if I go inside.” He nodded my way. “And I’ll need Tag.” He nodded again. “I…I don’t like leaving you, little bro. This world looks safe and all, but we stole these outfits; they’re after us now.”

  “We came to rescue Milo,” he said, shaking his head. “Go and rescue Milo; I’ll be fine.”

  Our eyes locked. Mom and Dad would kill me if I let anything happen to him. I’d probably kill me, too. But what choice did I have? He was right; we came to rescue Milo. “I’ll be back in an hour. You stay here. If I don’t make it back, try and find the portal, then tell Mom and Dad that I—”

  He held up his hand. “You’re getting all schmaltzy on me, dude,” he said. “You’ll be fine. I’ll see you in an hour. I won’t move. Besides, that paste breakfast is hardening in my stomach even as we speak; I couldn’t move even if I wanted to.” He patted his belly and burped. “Maybe it wasn’t that fucked up Y chromosome that killed off these people, after all.”

  I grinned. I frowned. This was awful. Seriously, awful. I turned to Tag. I pointed at the watch. “Time to put the genie back in the bottle.”

  He seemed to understand the reference. He shimmered for the briefest of moments before disappearing. The watch vibrated on my wrist, pulsed, lit up. “I’ve scanned the building, Randy. There are multiple areas that don’t appear. One would assume that Milo is being held in one of those areas.”

  I nodded. I gulped. I began to walk toward the building.

  “Good luck, dude,” Craig said.

  And still I nodded. And still I gulped. My heart felt like it could give the Energizer Bunny a run for its money. I didn’t turn around to look at Craig. I knew that if I did, I’d probably chicken out. And bunnies don’t do chicken. So, I walked, acting as if I belonged there. I then smiled just before I stepped inside, mainly because it hit me that I was an alien, a little green man, so to speak. They were probably more afraid of me than I was of them, right? Right? Yeah, I know. Not a chance.

  The wall slid open. There were no alarms, no bells, no whistles. I was sure I’d been scanned, but nothing seemed amiss. You know, apart from an alien intruder entering a secret government building. An alien intruder looking to rescue a Planet-Sixian that said alien intruder had never officially met before.

  I walked further in. There was no front desk, no receptionist. There was simply a lobby, a couple of chairs off to the side, several signs along the wall, and no doors, as per usual. There were also no people. At least not yet.

  “Thoughts?” I said in a whisper as I stood there staring ahead, a sign in front, a sign on my left, a sign on my right. Talk about your crossroads. They say to pick the road less travelled, but, well…

  “There’s a dark area on the right and on the left, according to my building scan. Ahead, I can scan the entire region. If Milo is here, he must be on the right or the left.” There was the briefest of pauses before he added, “And, Randy, this building is heavily fortified, armed; that I can also see in the scan.”

  “Fuck,” I spat. “Now you tell me.” I looked at the watch. “Can you counterattack?”

  “With what? A laser beam? I think the human phrase would be: give me a break.”

  I sighed. “Yes, that would be the correct phrase.”

  I looked left. I looked right. The wall looked the same either way, the signs in a language I clearly couldn’t read. Even if I could, it wouldn’t help me. And so, I closed my eyes and simply breathed. I listened to my heart, waiting for it to tell me where to go. Which door? I said to myself. Which door? I gripped my hands. I squeezed tightly. My chest did the same to the pumping organ within, as if to pry loose the answer. Which door?

  “Left,” I finally uttered, that leash again tugging as my eyelids fluttered open.

  “You sure?” said Tag.

  I looked down. “Nope.”

  I turned left as I shrugged. Well, no. Actually, I turned left after I prayed, then I shrugged. I hoped God was listening, that he knew who I was, what with me so far from home, and all. Then I put one foot in front of the other, my body on autopilot, legs moving even as my brain froze, as that pumping heart of mine revved, threatening to burst from pressure.

  The wall silently parted open. There was a hallway. There were rooms. There were strange objects I had no point of reference for. They could have been weapons. They could have been pieces of luggage. They could have been anything. They weren’t Milo, though, and so I simply glanced at them and kept moving.

  I saw a few people. One was at the end of the hall. One was in a room to my right. One was in a different room to my right. He looked like he was monitoring something, but the screen wasn’t facing my way. None of the three seemed to pay me much heed. All looked at me, saw the grey jumpsuit, the security badge, and promptly ignored me. Phew.

  I kept moving. I nodded to the man in the hallway as I passed him. He nodded back. He said something I couldn’t understand. I replied in a mutter as I quickened my step. I reached another wall. I whispered into the watch. “What did he say?”

  “Good morning.”

  “Nice fellow.”

  “He had a weapon on him that could annihilate your San Francisco with a single press of a button.”

  My gulp returned, bulging my throat. “Oh.”

  “The wall you’re standing in front of, this is also an area I can’t scan. All I see is black, black until I reach the end of the building. It’s a large space. Two stories. But that’s all I can tell. There might be a few people back there, there might be many dozens, all with similar weapons to that man back there.”

  That gulp of mine threatened to rupture the dam. “Your bedside manner leaves something to be desired, Tag.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Clearly.”

  My foot moved forward. The wall parted. I felt like Moses. Please don’t let the Egyptians be right behind me. Though, of course, it was what was in front that I should’ve been worried about.

  Chapter 8

  The wall closed behind me. I jumped, despite the silence of it. I wanted to ask Tag to scan the area again, to look for Milo, now that we were on the other side, but I wasn’t alone. In fact, unlike the rest of the city, the space we were in teemed with people, easily a couple of dozen, men and women, all of them stunningly attractive. Yippy for that Z chromosome. Not so yippy for me, though, because several of them quickly approached.

  They held their palms my way. Apparently, the sign for halt was universal. They spoke. Planet-Sixian, by the way, was clearly not a romance language. It sounded a lot like German, only less, um, romantic. I froze. A deer caught in the headlights was more animate. In other words, when they stopped speaking and were clearly waiting for a reply, I just stood there staring.

  Eventually, when I didn’t say anything and they didn’t say anything, I realized it was my turn to speak. FYI, I knew I couldn’t do that. If I spoke English, all hope was lost—for me, for Milo, perhaps for my entire species. I mean, if they could blow up a city with the press of a button, imagine what they could do to an entire planet. Or don’t imagine it. Because it’s not a pretty picture. I know because I was, in fact, picturing it.

  Anyway, I pointed at my watch. You know, animatedly. With gusto. Point, point, point, I went.

  Tag, thank goodness, took the hint and began to reply in their language. I assumed he told them that I was from Planet Four, that I was a mute, that he would answer any and all questions. I assumed all this, though none of it seemed to matter.

  That is to say, they didn’t welcome me with open arms. Not unless the custom on their planet was to grab you and drag you around—and rather roughly, I might
add—before they threw your ass in a cell. The bars were made of beams of light, which I could only assume would slice you in half should you decide to try and escape through them. And no, I wasn’t eager to prove my theory correct.

  So, not ten minutes after I entered the building, I was in jail. Nice job, Randy.

  I looked down at the watch, and whispered, “What happened?”

  “Facial recognition,” he replied. “Your face was scanned when you stole the card at the station. As soon as you walked inside the building, they knew it. Thankfully, thus far, they don’t know exactly who you are.”

  “Wait,” I said. “Why didn’t you warn me about the facial stuff before?”

  “I didn’t know they utilized the technology. This is a secret government building. This must be a secret government practice. Makes sense.”

  “Uh-huh,” I said. “Great for them.”

  “I’m sorry, Randy,” he said.

  I sighed and sunk my head to my chest. There was a bed and a chair in there. I sat down. “It wasn’t your fault, Tag. You didn’t know. I took the risk. It simply didn’t pay off.” Now what? Now what’s going to happen to me, to us? I thought of Craig. What would he do now, alone on a strange planet? My stomach knotted at the thought. I fucked up. I fucked up badly.

  I started to cry, but I was interrupted mid-sniffle.

  They say that when God closes a door, he opens a window. Seems that jail cells have windows, too.

  “Randy?” I heard from the cell adjoining mine.

  A man rose from the bed.

  My body went rigid. Everywhere. Literally. “Milo?”

  I jumped from my chair. He jumped from his.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked, his face an inch from mine, the beams the only thing in the way. Amazingly, he was even more stunning in person. It was, in fact, like meeting Michelangelo’s David.

  “Badly,” I replied. “Doing badly. FYI, you shouldn’t steal on Planet Six.”

  “Or communicate with handsome aliens.”

  I nodded. He nodded. He stared into my eyes. I stared into his. An epic novel was written within that stare.