All of My Soul

by Jenni Wilder

  “Why are you stalking me?” I asked without giving Brody a chance to answer the officer’s question.

  Brody’s face was devoid of emotion as he looked past the officer in front of him directly at me. Without his sunglasses, I could hardly believe I hadn’t recognized him earlier. But it had been well over a month ago that Lincoln had hired him to drive me to and from my internship.

  The officer gave Brody a small but firm shake. “Don’t look at her. You look at me. Have you been stalking her?”

  “I’m not her stalker,” he finally said. “I’m her bodyguard.”

  The cell phone I clutched in my hand vibrated again, and Lincoln’s ringtone played out loudly.

  Son of a bitch.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Kennedy and I had a late lunch date the next day before she had to pick her kids up from her in-laws. We met up at the restaurant, shadowed by Brody. It seemed like now that I knew he was my bodyguard, he no longer was ordered by Lincoln to keep his distance.

  “Did you know?” I asked Kennedy as we sat at our table. The restaurant was probably half-empty and we were the only ones in our section. Well, us and Brody. He sat at a table about twenty feet away silently observing everything in the restaurant.

  “About him?” Kennedy pointed her finger at Brody.

  I nodded.

  “You didn’t?”

  “No,” I said with controlled anger. “I didn’t.”

  Kennedy’s eyebrows flew up. “Oh.”

  “Yeah. Oh.”

  “So have you talked to Lincoln since you found out?”

  I shook my head. Brody and Lincoln had convinced campus security yesterday to let Brody go. Lincoln had tried to call me afterward, but I ignored his call and sent him a text saying it was probably better if we talked after I calmed down. Since then he hadn’t tried to contact me, although I was pretty sure he was in contact with Brody.

  Kennedy leaned forward on the table. “Did you see they lost last night?”

  I nodded. I hadn’t watched the game on TV. I had been too upset. But I did watch the highlights online and saw the final score. It was not a pretty game. Our boys had gotten massacred. Not only was the loss a big one, but it also killed their winning streak. I would have felt guilty for throwing off Lincoln’s game, but the sports analysts online were blaming the loss on the fact that the Hawks had several injured players including Deacon who had been cross-checked from behind, causing him to go head first into the boards.

  “Rebecca said Deacon’s okay.” That was the important thing. More so than my anger toward Lincoln.

  “Yeah, I talked to Lincoln last night.”

  My eyebrows flew up. “You did?”

  She nodded knowingly. “He’s pretty pissed at you.”

  “Me? He’s the one that went behind my back. He didn’t tell me he hired a bodyguard to follow me!”

  “Yeah, that’s an issue. But you went back on your promise to him—twice—putting yourself in danger. Which is the worse offense? He was just trying to protect you. Can you blame him?”

  I gapped at her, speechless. In my fit of anger toward Lincoln, I had forgotten my own transgressions.

  “Shit. How angry is he?”

  “I think he’s more hurt than angry, although he is pretty upset.”

  I fidgeted in my seat. This was going to be bad. Lincoln had never been mad at me before, at least not that I knew of.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt him,” I said quietly.

  “I know.” She shrugged. “But I just thought I’d give you a heads-up.”

  I nervously traced the edge of the tablecloth. “Do you think I should text him?”

  “Well, duh,” she said with a small laugh.

  I smiled for the first time since Lincoln left yesterday and dug my phone out of my purse.

  “I love you, and I miss you, and I’m sorry. Please call me tonight.”

  But he didn’t. I waited up until after midnight. Their game against the Dallas Stars had been long over, and he would have had plenty of time to call me if he wanted. Fear and regret filled my heart as I fell asleep in my cold bed alone.

  ~~~~~~~~

  Music blared through Lincoln’s house when I used the key he had given me to let myself in before locking the door behind me. It was Thursday night. He was back from his stretch of away games but hadn’t contacted me. Anxiety prickled under my skin. He clearly didn’t want me here, but we needed to talk, and I wanted to apologize to him in person.

  I found him bench-pressing weights in his personal gym under the garage. I hadn’t even known this room was here for the longest time. He told me he only used it during the off-season, preferring to work out at the Blackhawks’ gym at the United Center, but he must have needed to blow off some steam tonight. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

  All the lights were on, and the music was cranked up to eleven. The screeching electric guitar part of the loud, fast-paced rock music hurt my ears as I watched him push the massive weights up quickly before slowly lowering them to his chest. He was only wearing a pair of red basketball shorts, and I watched from the doorway as his stomach muscles clenched and rolled with every rep. Sweat beaded on his skin, and I wondered how long he had been at this.

  He hadn’t seen me watching him yet, but he didn’t act surprised when the music silenced as I pushed the power button on the stereo. He simply racked the bar of weights above his head and let his arms fall to his stomach, breathing hard.

  “I was listening to that,” he said without looking at me.

  “Aren’t you supposed to have a spotter when you lift?” I teased him, trying to break the tension in the room.

  “You’re going to lecture me about safety?” The tone of his voice scared me. It was so indifferent. So cold. He could have been talking to a stranger on the street.

  Regret washed through me. “Um. I guess not. Can we talk when you’re done in here?”

  He finally sat up and looked at me. If I thought the tone in his voice was scary, it was nothing compared to the look in his eyes.

  “Why bother? You never listen to me anyway.” He wiped his face with a towel and took a long drink from his water bottle.

  I nervously took a step into the room. “That’s not true.”

  He glared at me. “Really. So you mean you listen to me and consider my feelings before doing whatever the hell you want anyway?”

  “I didn’t do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have a choice—”

  “Bullshit,” he interrupted me.

  “I didn’t, Lincoln! What was I supposed to do? Tabitha was sick, and my laptop had crashed.”

  “I would have bought you a new one!” he yelled, and his eyes flashed with emotion.

  I clenched my fists and steeled myself against his anger. “I don’t want you to buy me a new one.”

  He hung his head in his hands. “I cannot have this argument with you again. I’m so sick of you not caring how I feel about this.”

  “What about how I feel?”

  “How do you feel, Jillian? Loved? Cared for? Spoiled? Have I ever given you any reason to feel otherwise?”

  “I don’t want you spending money on me.”

  “Why the hell not?!”

  “Because I don’t deserve it!” I blurted out. “It makes me feel unbalanced. You give me all these things, and I have nothing to give you in return.”

  Lincoln let out a loud, frustrated groan and ran his hands through his hair. “Do you not understand what it does to me to hear you say that? Or do you just not care?”

  “Of course I care, Lincoln!”

  “Then why don’t you listen to me? Huh?”

  I couldn’t answer his question. “I’m sorry I broke my promise and went out alone.”

  “No. Answer my question. After all we’ve been through, after the countless times I have told you how important you are to me, how could you say you don’t deserve the things I give you?”

  I crossed my arms and turned away from him, my
lips sealed. This argument had taken a turn I wasn’t prepared for.

  I felt him come up behind me. He gently clasped my elbow and turned me, forcing me to look at him.

  “How do you not understand how much I love you? How much it would kill me if anything happened to you? Do you really think so little of yourself that you don’t understand how much it would hurt me if anything happened to you? How it already hurts when you won’t let me take care of you? The woman I love is driving a piece-of-shit car, struggling to make ends meet, totally unconcerned about her safety, and she won’t let me help her. Don’t you care how that makes me feel?”

  I swallowed hard and looked away from him. I hadn’t thought about any of that. I hadn’t thought of how Lincoln felt. I was a crappy girlfriend.

  He hooked a finger under my chin and gently tipped my face up to his. When he spoke again, the warmth had returned to his voice. “I cannot have you unprotected. I need you to be safe, and I want to take care of you. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

  Regret washed through me, and I wrapped my arms around his waist and pushed my forehead into his chest. I didn’t care that he was drenched in sweat.

  “I’m sorry,” I simply said into his chest.

  Lincoln rested one hand on my hip and the other on the top of my head. “We have to be a team.” I nodded my head against his chest. “And if there’s anyone who knows about being on a team, it’s me. When one person is weak, the other is strong. If one person falls, the other lifts them up.”

  “But you don’t have any weaknesses,” I told him. “I bring nothing to this team.”

  He let out an exasperated cough. “Princess.” He gently pushed me back to look in my eyes. “You make me see the world differently. I used to be convinced everyone was trying to take advantage of me. I thought people only wanted to know me because of my father or because they wanted an autograph. I felt like the only people I could trust were my brother and sister. You’ve shown me that’s not the case. You keep me grounded. You give me something to come home to. Something to look forward to. And that’s more precious than anything I could ever buy you.”

  My heart soared, and I threw my arms around his neck as he bent down to hold me close to him. We stood in his gym wrapped around each other, for the longest time, and I let go of my selfishness. For as generous and goodhearted as Lincoln thought I was, I was doing a terrible job of thinking about what he needed and how he felt, and that should have been a top priority.

  “When was your last therapy appointment?” he asked quietly against my hair as he held me.

  I froze. I was ashamed to admit it had been a while. Life had just kind of gotten crazy, and it slipped through the cracks.

  “Jillian?” His voice was stern, as if he already knew he wasn’t going to like the answer.

  “Since before Valentine’s Day,” I admitted.

  He exhaled sharply. “So long? I thought you went after our trip to DC.”

  I shook my head against his chest. “I meant to. I just got busy and kept forgetting to call.”

  He was quiet for a moment. I think he was trying to calm himself, because when he spoke again his voice was strained. “Will you please make an appointment as soon as possible?”

  “Do you want to go with me?”

  “Just make an appointment for the earliest time, and I’ll see if I can make it. I think it’s important you speak to your doctor as soon as possible.”

  I scoffed and stepped out of his embrace. “Why? You think I need help that much?” I was slightly offended. I knew I had been through a lot emotionally, but I thought I was handling it reasonably well.

  “No. Princess, no.” He reached for me and tilted my chin up so he could look me in the eye. “That’s not what this is about. That’s not what I meant. It feels as if life is unraveling, and I think you are stressed and need someone to talk to about it. I’m not always available, and even if I am, I feel like I don’t say the right things all the time. I just want you to be able to talk to someone about anything that might be bothering you, whether that’s your scars, or nightmares, or Mackenzie, or even if I piss you off. There’s no shame in talking to someone.”

  I scoffed again and pulled my chin out of his grasp. “I know that.” Crossing my arms against my chest, I turned away from him stubbornly. “I’ll e-mail Dr. Raussman’s office tomorrow.”

  “Thank you. But just so you know, I’m still mad at you.”

  I turned back to him. “Well, I’m still mad at you too.”

  He straightened up and glared at me. The majority of the anger in his eyes had dissipated, but he still looked upset. “What were you thinking, going out alone?”

  I glared back at him. “What were you thinking, lying to me?”

  He scoffed. “I didn’t lie.”

  With a cocked eyebrow I gave him a contentious glare. “How long has Brody been following me?”

  “Since we returned from Boston.” He answered my question but didn’t sound the least bit remorseful.

  So long!

  “Ugh. I hope I didn’t do anything too embarrassing in front of him.”

  “He’s one of the most experienced guys at the security company members of congress use. I’m sure he’s seen worse.”

  I sighed. “Why didn’t you just tell me? I don’t like it when you hide things from me.”

  He shook his head. “This isn’t like before, Princess. I didn’t want to scare you or distract you from your work, but I need you protected.”

  I thought back to the dinner we shared at Lincoln’s parents’ place. “Is that what your dad meant when he asked if you’ve taken precautions?”

  Lincoln nodded.

  “But wait, how did someone slip that drug into my drink if he was watching me?”

  Lincoln let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair. “He wasn’t there. I thought since you were in a group you’d be safe without extra protection. Especially with Carter and Brian there. I blame myself for telling him he didn’t need to be there to watch you. It’s a mistake I won’t let happen again. Unless you are here or at home, he’s ordered to have eyes on you at all times. And don’t even try to argue with me about this.” His voice got stern.

  “I wasn’t going to. Don’t yell at me,” I said in a small voice. I felt a tear slip down my cheek, and I wiped it away quickly as I turned away from Lincoln.

  This whole week had been shit, and even though I knew he had every right to scold me, having him do so was the final straw. Embarrassed as my emotions bubbled over, I walked away from Lincoln into his man cave, hoping he would give me a minute. But of course he didn’t.

  I stood in front of the glass wall at the back of his house, looking out. There was no moon tonight, and it was almost scary how dark the woods behind his house were.

  Lincoln came up behind me and lightly placed his giant hands on my shoulders. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

  I sniffled a few times and tried to blink away the tears on my eyes.

  “What’s wrong, baby?”

  “It’s just been a really awful week. Between my laptop and Tabitha… and I felt terrible for making you mad. I’ve never seen a gun up close before, and it scared me. It just kind of all hit me at once. And I missed you so much.” I turned and hugged him around his waist, resting my head against his sternum again. “I know I deserve for you to be mad at me, but I just—I just—”

  Lincoln wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my back. “Shh. Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m sorry I yelled.”

  We held each other tight for a while in the darkness before Lincoln finally spoke.

  “We’re not going to let their misery infect us, right? You and me. We’re going to be happy no matter what they try to do to us. Isn’t that what you said? We’re not going to let them affect us.”

  “Who’s ‘them,’ Lincoln?”

  “It doesn’t matter who it is. If it’s Mackenzie or someone else. Whoever it is, they aren’t going to hurt yo
u. I know you are worried, but no matter what they try, I will be here for you. We’re not going to lose each other. You are my center, my haven. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy and keep you safe.”

  He was right. It had been my goal in life. No matter how terrible someone treated me, I wasn’t going to let them affect me. If my father’s death taught me anything, it was to cherish and enjoy life. Part of that was not letting others make you miserable.

  Lincoln must have sensed my deliberation in my silence. “You let me worry about it, Princess, okay? Just don’t let them change you.”

  I nodded against his chest. I wouldn’t let them change me into some quivering shadow. I wouldn’t give them that power. I would trust in Lincoln to keep me safe and happy. He was my top priority, and if it made him happy to buy me things and protect me, then I would shut up and let him do it.

  I inhaled deeply before letting out a long sigh. “You stink,” I said against his still-sweaty chest.

  Lincoln laughed. “Wow. You sure know how to kill the moment.”

  I chuckled and pulled back from him. “You killed it. You really stink.” I grabbed his hand and pulled on him as I walked backward. “Come on. Let’s shower.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  The first thing the next morning, Lincoln took me shopping for a new computer. I listed off the aspects I needed in a laptop, and the salesman showed me a few. I wasn’t allowed to look at the price tags, and eventually I just picked the one I liked the best. Lincoln was ecstatic as he swiped his card to pay for it, tacking on several software upgrades and a new carrying case.

  As soon as I got home, I connected to the university’s network, synced my shiny new laptop with my cloud, and downloaded my thesis and research data before saving both to my hard drive and flash drive. True to my word, I also exchanged e-mails with my therapist’s office manager and scheduled an appointment for the soonest available time.