OUT OF THE BLUE CLEAR SKY: (A PRIDE AND PREJUDICE VARIATION)

by SANDRA P. HIGGINS

  It was then that Lydia told Kitty that Mr. Collins wanted to marry her and Kitty said the man stunk.

  “No, Lydia, he needs a lively young woman who he can control. Perhaps he will improve once he freshens up. You should dress up for him as to attract his attention.”

  Mr. Bennet heard their exchange and spoke with them about treating the man with civility and warned them they would lose their pocket money for the next month if they did anything to upset their guest.

  Privately he wished the man had never come. When Mr. Bennet began to tell the man about Longbourn all Mr. Collins wanted to speak of was his patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh. He did say that he resided nearby in Hunsford and the parsonage was grand and so he began to describe every detail including his garden and his bee hives, even down to the number of bees he even mentioned he saw three bees dead and it had worried him.

  This seemed to go on forever until Elizabeth saw her father’s entrapment and came to rescue him. But the man wished to talk with Jane Bennet and soon he saw her and dropped his conversation with Elizabeth and soon had Jane Bennet trapped into hearing his ridiculous monologue.

  After that Mr. Bennet summoned the man to his library and told him where he kept his estate books and other important papers and showed him a list of things he would inherit once he took possession.

  “Thank you, Mr. Bennet. Somehow I thought the estate would have been larger. I suppose I am spoiled by the size and grander of my Rosings.”

  “I did not know that you will inherit Rosings. Does your patroness not have any heirs”

  “I must have confused you. No, I certainly do not mean to say I will inherit that great estate. Her daughter Anne will inherit.”

  “So her daughter is married, I presume?”

  “No, but she is engaged to her cousin, and he is one of the most illustrious men in the country. His name is Fitzwilliam Darcy.”

  Such news meant that the dinner on the morrow would be quite interesting when Mr. Collins heard the news of the courtship of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth.

  At dinner that evening Mrs. Bennet watched as Mr. Collins offered his thoughts on many things and again repeated that his patroness had encouraged him to come and visit the home to inspect it and make certain that it was in pristine condition. There was much eye contact between all the Bennets as the foolish man talked on and on and eventually only Mary was left at the table with the man and they were discussing Fordyce’s sermons.

  Mr. Bennet had been the first to leave the table and did so while complaining of a headache. Lydia and Kitty hurriedly ate their dinner and left after their father. They were seated across from their cousin and all the family saw him chewing with his mouth open as food dropped onto the table and his person, but the girls did not laugh, having remembered their father’s stern warning. After Mrs. Bennet had finished her dinner she excused herself to check on her husband. Elizabeth left next but later Jane told Elizabeth how the man kept smiling at her.

  “Lizzy, if Mr. Collins stays here much longer father will either be dead or he will kill the man. I do not know how father can put up with him.”

  “This is a side of you that I have never seen, Jane. How can you account for saying these things?”

  “I am mad, Lizzy. The pompous little man has found fault with Longbourn, our cook, Mrs. Hill, mother, and all of us. He lusts after me like I would be his first choice for a wife. Did you hear him say his patroness suggested he choose a wife from amongst our sisters? Who would be inclined to marry such a toady man?”

  “Yes, I did hear him say such things, Jane, and I left right after he said it. Is Mary interested in the man? She certainly seems to be.”

  “She might be, but first he will inquire with mother about you and I being available. Father will not allow any of us to marry that man. I do think she was only interested in his thoughts on Fordyce’s sermons.”

  “Jane, can you believe it? We are saved because of our courtships but I believe he will leave in a day or two. I do agree with you that Papa will not put up with him any longer than that. Mr. Collins crossed the line when he demanded that father keep the house and the grounds in pristine condition. What fool would say such a thing? He is the stupidest man in England and is a toady sort of man and a little sycophant when it comes to his patroness. No wonder Papa never spoke of his relatives.”

  “You are onto something, Lizzy. Yes, it will be interesting to see how the man reacts at dinner. I particularly want to watch the man interact with your Mr. Darcy.”

  Elizabeth did not tell Jane that the man’s patroness was Mr. Darcy’s aunt and could only imagine how the little sycophant would react when he was introduced to Mr. Darcy.

  * *

  Early the next morning Elizabeth awoke early to walk with Mr. Darcy. This time when she stopped to visit with her father she saw that he looked worried.

  “Papa, what has you in such a state?”

  “It is nothing, Lizzy, but this distant cousin will leave on the morrow. Can you believe he wants to inspect Longbourn and he tells me what I need to do?”

  “I heard the fool, Papa, and hope I am near when you turn him out and tell him he must leave.”

  “Yes, he is a fool and I hope you will speak with your friend Mr. Darcy about these things. I should like to hear his opinion of the man.”

  “I shall, Papa, but all will be fine at dinner. Let the man do as he will at dinner and after that you and Mr. Darcy and Mama and I should speak with him in the library. Mr. Darcy will set Mr. Collins right.”

  “But, Lizzy, take care not to trip on your walk.”

  Later when Elizabeth and Darcy were walking, Mr. Darcy became agitated when she told him that Mr. Collins patroness was his Aunt Catherine. He had never met the man and did not know his aunt had a new clergyman. It was clear to him that his aunt had sent the fool to spy to see how Wickham was succeeding in seducing Elizabeth. During their walk they talked of a plan to get even with his aunt and find a way to remove the foolish sycophant from Longbourn.

  Elizabeth briefed her father once she returned from her walk and later the family and Mr. Collins took breakfast.

  Almost immediately the man asked if the cook had been with the family very long and Mrs. Bennet said she had been with them many years and they were happy with her.

  Mr. Collins then asked how much she earned when Mr. Bennet stopped him. “Mr. Collins, perhaps you need to return to Rosings and have your patroness teach you proper manners. I have five daughters and nearly every word you have said since you arrived has been rude and insulting to our family and others who work here. I have to wonder if you are truly a clergyman?”

  The man nodded his head to signal he understood but he turned red and seemed to be at a loss for what to say.

  Even the younger sisters held back their giggles. All except Mr. Collins knew what was coming later at dinner, but the man had been warned.

  When the gentlemen arrived with Georgiana, Mrs. Bennet introduced them to Mr. Collins who never acknowledged Mr. Bingley or the Darcys but immediately brought up his patroness and for several minutes his was the only voice to be heard.

  Suddenly the man apologized to Mr. Darcy and his sister for not realizing they were related to his patroness. He then bowed a second time until it looked as if he might fall over onto his head but he continued to speak in glowing terms about his patroness and asked Mr. Darcy when he and his cousin will marry.

  Mrs. Bennet told the man that Elizabeth and Darcy were in a courtship and so were Jane and Mr. Bingley but Mr. Collins insisted that Darcy do his duty and marry his cousin, Anne de Bough.

  “Mr. Darcy, you cannot marry so below your station and the town will not accept her since she has been compromised by Mr. Wickham.”

  “Mr. Collins, you are the last person in the world whose advice I would accept. Will you please respect this family and allow us to eat in peace? We can speak of your concerns after dinner, but I can assure you that what you claim is false.”

  The man did
not reply to Mr. Darcy.

  Both Darcys and Mr. Bingley praised the dinner and thanked Mrs. Bennet but Mr. Collins said nothing, though he ate more than anyone.

  There was little more said at dinner and after Jane accompanied the three youngest sisters and Mr. Bingley upstairs as Mr. Bennet invited the others to join him in his library.

  “Mr. Collins, why have you come to my home?”

  He turned to look at Mr. Bennet with his head held high. “All of this will be mine one day and I thought it best to see that you are properly maintaining the property.”

  “Mr. Darcy, he is all yours.”

  “Mr. Collins, you have come here to spy on this family. Were you not sent by Lady Catherine?”

  “No, I was just interested in meeting the family and seeing my future home.”

  “I heard you say that but what experience do you have in running an estate?”

  “I have common sense and that is all I need.”

  “I disagree with that assertion. I rather believe you to be a sycophant and a man of little sense and of dubious character and my aunt’s loyal dog. In addition, you have never managed an estate. There is also a strong possibility that you will die before Mr. Bennet.”

  “And why would you say such a thing, Mr. Darcy?”

  “You must wait a little longer, Mr. Collins. Did Lady Catherine give you instructions to watch Miss Elizabeth and me?”

  “No, she did not.”

  “And did she mention the name George Wickham?”

  “No, she did not.”

  “I do not believe you. When we were eating you said that Mr. Wickham compromised Miss Elizabeth. I demand you tell me now or I will have you arrested along with my aunt.”

  The man was now very nervous and said he meant no disrespect to the Bennets but he had heard that Mr. Wickham had bragged about compromising Miss Elizabeth Bennet.

  “And how did you hear about it?”

  He started to rise from his seat but Darcy pushed him down and slapped his fist against his hand just inches from the man’s jaw and watched as the man flinched.

  “This is very important Mr. Collins. A bird did not tell you these things. You claim that Miss Elizabeth has been compromised and yet you claim to know nothing. No, I am certain that my aunt has said these things and has sent you here to gather details but there is no evidence to support your claim. Is this the action of a man of the cloth? I think not. Mr. Collins, you are a disgrace to the church and are nothing more than a sycophant lap dog to your patroness. If you have any mind whatsoever you had better start talking now or you will soon find yourself in grave trouble. Yes, we know about Wickham being paid by my aunt to ruin my friend. In case you are unaware, Mr. Wickham is on his way to Australia and before he left he told that he had visited my aunt and proposed to compromise Miss Elizabeth so that I would be free to marry Anne. My aunt agreed and paid for Wickham’s commission plus gave him additional money.”

  “Now it is my turn to ask for proof, Mr. Darcy.”

  “Just a minute more, Mr. Collins, for you cannot find proof of something that did not occur. If you ever speak again of Miss Elizabeth being compromised, I will use every power I have to shame you and destroy your life as you know it and I will have you arrested for making false statements.”

  “I am not a liar, Mr. Darcy.”

  “You may visit the militia camp and ask to speak with Colonel Forster if you like or perhaps you may talk with the men who heard Wickham utter those words, and Wickham wrote a confession witnessed by the ship’s captain before they left for Australia. Such evidence will be used to put your patroness in jail and you will be arrested as an accessory.”

  “But you would never do that to your aunt! Look, Mr. Darcy, all I wish for is to be brought to Meryton in the morning and put on a coach. I will rely on my patroness to protect me from being arrested.”

  “Then you can have it your way. Mr. Bennet, if you agree, I will return to Longbourn in the morning and take Mr. Collins to Meryton.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Darcy, that is appreciated.”

  “And I have these final words for you, Mr. Collins. After I take you to the coach station I will visit the local magistrate in Meryton and later I will visit in Kent and your patroness will be arrested, and she will blame you and then you will be removed from the parsonage and no one will represent you, and I will certainly be against you.”

  “I still have nothing more to say, Mr. Darcy.”

  “Then I am sorry for you, Mr. Collins, but you cannot be allowed to speak of my daughter as being compromised. Instead, you may wish to consider that you and your patroness have been compromised by your own stupid decisions. There is another thing, for if you are found guilty, you will not legally be entitled to inherit this estate and your life will be ruined.”

  The following morning Darcy took Mr. Collins to catch his coach to return to Rosings and not a word was spoken between the two men. The man’s trip to visit Longbourn had been a disaster but it was nothing like he would later experience when he spoke with Mr. Darcy’s aunt.

  CHAPTER 10

  After he delivered Mr. Collins to the coach station in Meryton, Mr. Darcy went to see the local magistrate and told of the situation he had with his aunt and her clergyman.

  The man was tall and slender and was near fifty years old and had been a magistrate for many years. He was also good friends with the magistrate in Kent who would be involved in this case and asked many questions about Lieutenant Wickham. Darcy told of the man’s sordid past and said that Wickham had asked to be sent to Australia.

  “He made the right decision, Mr. Darcy. His telling Colonel Fitzwilliam about being paid by your aunt to compromise Miss Elizabeth Bennet might come to haunt your aunt and perhaps her clergyman as well. This Mr. Collins does not know what trouble he has brought on himself.”

  “Yes, my aunt will try and blame him but any decent lawyer will have her guilty and her clergyman should at least be charged as an accessory. I believe both of them should be sent to prison.”

  “Mr. Darcy, I can certainly understand that you have put up with a lot and that you want revenge, but you have won your victory and you need not worry about ever seeing Mr. Wickham again. I am not certain that taking out any further revenge on your Aunt Catherine or her sycophant parson will do you any good. From what you told me your uncle intends that Anne be installed as the rightful owner of Rosings and her mother will move to the Dowager House. After that, I would doubt that the woman will live for much longer, especially after being replaced by her daughter as the owner of Rosings. No, Mr. Darcy, I believe you are better served to take the high road and you certainly will earn the admiration of the rest of your family and your friends by doing this. You no doubt hold in your hands the power to send the woman to prison but there would be others who would think you cruel and bitter and ultimately you would lose more than what you might gain if you sought to have her arrested. Eventually your aunt will thank you and you already know that in Miss Bennet you have found a woman that you want to marry. My recommendation is that you let this go and because you are a gentleman who commands great respect, wherever you go.”

  “I do wish to thank you for your advice and I assure you that I will certainly think on these things and hopefully I will make the right decision. As you can see, I still have revenge in my heart and I shall think these things over very carefully before I act hastily and make a big mistake. Thank you so much sir and I wish you all the best.”

  Darcy next stopped at Longbourn to return Mr. Bennet’s carriage and to brief Mr. Bennet on his morning with Mr. Collins and his visit with the local magistrate.

  “So Mr. Darcy, when will you leave for Kent to meet with the magistrate?”

  “Mr. Bennet, I will give it a few more days to decide on what to do. The magistrate seemed to think I should not try to prosecute my aunt and just go along with my uncle and see Anne replace her mother as the rightful owner of Rosings. I just want to give my aunt a little more time to realize
her big mistake. The main thing I am concerned about is whether Mr. Collins will tell my aunt that we know Wickham said he was working for her to compromise your daughter. She no doubt will believe she can find a good attorney, for it is just her word against Wickham and he has no credibility and will not return to England. My aunt thinks she knows better than anyone about important decisions. I do suspect this will be her time to finally fall on her own sword.”

  “Then she is her own worst enemy. You know, Mr. Darcy, if this ends up going to trial your aunt may not prevail and the same applies to Mr. Collins.”

  “We shall see but I do wish to speak with Miss Elizabeth and ask for her advice. I had planned to do that, but is she home?”

  “Yes, I just saw her approaching the house. Now you best go and speak with her.”

  He watched as the man hurried outside to greet his favourite daughter. Mr. Bennet was pleased that his Lizzy and Mr. Darcy were so well suited for one another.

  “William, you were just inside. How was your trip with my cousin?”

  “It was very quiet and he did not speak one word. I must assume he did not pray last night.”

  “He will need to do a lot of praying once he tells your aunt of Mr. Wickham’s going to Australia.”

  “You are correct, Elizabeth, but do you think he will tell her about Wickham’s confession that my aunt paid him to compromise you?”

  “I hope he does not tell her right away. It would be better if it was brought up during a trial. Once Lady Catherine learns of these things, it will be show over for Mr. Collins.”

  * *

  Three days later Bingley arrived the morning Darcy was visiting with Elizabeth at Longbourn. He seemed very anxious as he approached his friend.

  “Darcy, an express came for you and it is from your cousin, Anne. I have it here. It must be important and it was sent from Cambridge.”

  Darcy thanked his friend and Bingley walked off to speak with Jane as Darcy opened the letter and began to read it.

  12 Dec 1811