by Nour Zikra
“So, he wants to take God’s place?”
“No. He can’t do that, even if he destroys all the angels. God is immortal and strong. Lucifer’s true goal is to gain a large following so he can be worshipped like our Father. He would never admit it, but he desperately wants God’s admiration. He looks up to him, but he wants his approval for all the wrong reasons, and he’s rebelling in a catastrophic way.”
Addy fell quiet. She turned down a narrow street and drove for a few minutes before turning at the light.
I had no idea if we were close to our destination, but I was tired of sitting with my back inclined forward. It didn’t hurt so much anymore. There was a small twinge in my shoulders, though it wasn’t anything that would kill me.
As if she had read my mind, Addy asked, “How’s your back?”
I shifted in my seat, trying to get more comfortable and lose the stiffness in my lower back. “Better, I think.”
“Good.” She directed her piercing gaze at me. “I have another question for you.”
I felt a tug on my insides and found myself swimming in the depths of a brown river, getting pulled down, drowning. “Go ahead,” I said, unable to look anywhere but into her almond eyes.
Addy looked away, leaving me to blink the daze off.
“Why did you fall from heaven?”
Chapter Seven
ADELAIDE
Adriel didn’t answer my question right away. He closed his eyes and remained still for a few seconds.
“I did something bad,” he said at last. He looked out the window and avoided all eye contact. It was kind of funny, since he had been staring at me the entire ride.
“I figured that.” Those burns on his back were clear in my mind, raw and red like pomegranate. However, they didn’t tell me much. “What could be so bad that your wings got burned, but not bad enough to make you go to hell?”
He clenched his jaw so tightly that I could see his muscles flexing through his cheek.
We were ten minutes away from the apartment. I slowed down in the hopes of learning more about him before arriving at our destination. Just as I was about to say something to end the awkward silence, I heard knuckles cracking and looked to find his left hand fisted and pressing down against his leg.
“I was a guardian angel,” he said, “to a single mom whose son had locked-in syndrome, which basically left him paralyzed and unable to talk.”
I tried picturing Adriel in his angel form with his wings. If he looked anything like Lucifer before he fell in the vision forced upon me after drinking from the chalice, Adriel’s wings would’ve been huge and white. Maybe he even used those wings to fight off demons when he was doing his guardian duty.
From the corner of his eye, Adriel glimpsed at me. When our eyes met, he drew back, turning to the window again.
“The kid was fourteen, but he was getting worse. My charge . . . his mom, Jenna, was depressed watching him in that state. It was like watching him trapped in a dead body. So, when she . . .”
He choked on his words and fell silent for a moment, leaving me to wonder if guardian angels felt the same emotions their humans felt.
“So, when she decided it would be best to end his life, I didn’t guide her against it. I let it happen.”
I pulled into Sunny Meadows Private Residences, where Lizzy and I lived. I had just a few minutes to get information out of him before we went upstairs. I thought of the questions I needed to ask and said, “How do angels guide people? Can they show themselves?”
He seemed surprised by the detailed question, but he answered anyway. “No, we communicate on a subconscious level. People call it their ‘gut instinct,’ but it’s just the guardians guiding them.”
I parked the car in front of my apartment building and shuffled in my seat to study him.
Hours ago, I had wanted nothing to do with him, and now he was the closest tie I had to Reed. Was it cruel of me to ask him tough questions? Probably. But those questions were the only way I could learn enough about heaven and hell.
“And God kicked you out because you let the lady kill her son?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t he send you to hell?”
Adriel took off his seat belt and finally looked at me. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure that out myself.”
H
With my duffle bag in hand, I led Adriel up the stairs to the third floor. He seemed stronger than earlier, walking with his back straight even though it rubbed against that maroon sweatshirt I’d stolen from the hospital.
It was seven thirty in the morning, which meant that Lizzy was up and getting ready to head to the modeling studio where she worked. At the door, I gave Adriel a final once-over. He looked normal enough, or at least as normal as a person wearing socks without shoes in public could look.
“Okay, here we go.” I pushed the door open and moved past the pumpkin Lizzy had set near the entrance. Though Lizzy knew Halloween wasn’t for three more weeks, she couldn’t resist.
Inside, Lizzy stood by the kitchen counter, spreading almond butter on a slice of whole wheat bread, her morning ritual. In front of her, she had a bowl of thinly sliced bananas. Her eyes lit up when she saw me a second before her brows raised in question at the unfamiliar man standing by the door.
“Hi.” She gawked at Adriel with her head tilted to the side the way she always did when she saw an attractive man.
I threw my bag on the floor. “Hey. I decided to come home early.”
“And . . .” She pointed at Adriel standing beside me. She wasn’t smiling anymore. In that second, I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say. “That’s not Devin.”
No, he wasn’t Devin. Pushing back the lump in my throat, I swallowed, took a deep breath, and said the first lie I could come up with. “This is my cousin, Adriel.”
Lizzy’s face brightened. She dropped the bread and spreading knife onto her plate and rushed toward us with her wedge shoes thumping against the wooden floor. “Addy’s never mentioned you.” She stuck her hand out at Adriel. “I’m Lizzy.”
Adriel hesitated for a second before realizing that she wanted him to shake her hand.
“Nice to meet you,” he said.
“You too.” When she dropped his hand, she grabbed mine and pulled me toward her room down the hall. “Will you excuse us a second, Adriel? I just need to talk to Addy really quick.”
Over my shoulder, I saw Adriel give a single nod. His eyes followed me all the way into the other room until Lizzy shut the door behind us.
“So,” Lizzy started. She sat on her spacious turquoise bed and patted the spot beside her. “That makes you the second Addy in the family.”
I sat down and raised an eyebrow at her. “What do you mean?”
“Addy is short for Adelaide, but Addy could also be short for Adriel.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
A peppermint scent washed the room, coming from the diffuser on Lizzy’s nightstand. On the chair by her closet was a baby-blue men’s button-down shirt. It looked like it belonged to Nate, our neighbor.
“That’s awesome! There are two Addy Shaws around.” The corners of her mouth quirked up. She pulled her blonde strands in a high ponytail. “He’s cute. Is he dating anyone?”
A snicker escaped my lips when I thought of the fallen angel having a romantic relationship with Lizzy. Adriel, who seemed to struggle with a simple handshake, and my bubbly best friend. It was just too ridiculous.
Lizzy didn’t seem to think so. She let her hair fall and crossed her arms. “What’s so funny?” A frown took over her face. “You don’t want me to date your cousin?”
“Shh.” I put a hand over her mouth. “He could hear us if you talk louder.” When I felt safe she wouldn’t make a fuss, I released her.
She kept her arms crossed. “Why did you laugh?”
“I’m sorry. He’s just . . .” An angel? Someone I didn’t know before la
st night? “He’s just a crazy cousin. A big clown.”
“A clown?”
“Yup. He’s a clown. He puts on that big red nose and plays with balloons. He’s a big hit at birthday parties, though.”
She rose from the bed. “Really? But he looks so elegant.”
Clearly, she hadn’t noticed his socks. Or my sweaty clothes.
I shrugged and pointed at the shirt on the chair. “Isn’t that Nate’s?”
It was her turn to giggle. “Shut up! It’s nothing, okay?”
“Whatever you say, chief.”
After giving me a meaningful look that said, “Don’t speak of this again,” Lizzy opened the door and headed into the living room. I followed her.
Adriel was studying the oil painting of a woman sitting with her bare back to the artist that Lizzy and I had placed above the couch. When he realized we’d come out, he looked away, flustered. He glanced between the two of us, seeming unsure of what to do.
Lizzy smiled at him, grabbed her purse off one of the kitchen counter stools, took her breakfast, and headed for the main door. “I’m off. See you both later.”
Once she closed the door, I took a deep breath and ushered Adriel to the bathroom. He tailed after me down the small hallway. I opened the door to my room, which was perpendicular to Lizzy’s room, and led him past my bed and desk, where all my folders, sketches, and work projects lay. When I opened the bathroom door, I let him go in first.
“So, I figured you don’t know how to use any of these things.” I pointed at the toilet, sink, and shower in the sliding glass enclosure. “But you probably should, or you’re going to end up in some embarrassing situations.”
He placed a hand against the wall and smirked. “I may not have used a bathroom before, but I do have an idea about it.”
I wasn’t sure why, but I felt my face turn into a bright tomato. How ridiculous! Trying to help a man who had been a guardian angel; he should have been telling me what to do, not the other way around. I took a step back and laughed at myself for being an idiot. Surely he knew a thing or two about the importance of relieving the bladder.
“Thank you for the gesture, though.” He covered his stomach with his hand. “Besides, you’re right. I think I do need to use the bathroom.”
“Oh.” I took a few more steps back. “Okay. There’s soap right there, and if you want to use the shower, there’s shampoo. You can find a clean towel in the cabinet right there.” I pointed above the toilet. “I’ll go find you some new clothes to wear and I’ll leave them right outside the door.”
The bathroom door clicked shut. I dashed for the closet, searching the floor for any of Devin’s shirts that I threw down there in my crazy state after the breakup. I found several and clutched them tightly, struggling to keep the tears away. They smelled of Devin and his spicy aftershave.
“Damn it,” I muttered and threw them back on the floor.
The past week had ruined those shirts for me. Devin’s new girlfriend probably had a bunch of them in her room. I was the ex, the reject.
I picked one of the shirts at random, trying to pretend it didn’t belong to Devin, and tossed it at the bathroom door. It slid down and lay there like a lumpy ball. Once it hit the floor, I didn’t look at it. I hurried to Lizzy’s room and yanked her closet open. Somewhere in there had to be some men’s pants, most likely belonging to Nate.
Staying as calm as possible, I delved into the jungle that was her closet. Dresses, shirts, and skirts of all lengths—both fancy and casual—clustered together without room to breathe. Occasionally, I couldn’t figure out where one item ended and another began. Just as I was about to give up, I found a pair of men’s jeans smooshed against one of Lizzy’s casual shirts in the corner of the closet. I snatched it from its hiding place and went back to my room, where I dumped it over Devin’s shirt.
With that done, I hurried out of the room with my keys in hand. In the living room, I threw the main door open, scampered out, and proceeded to slam the door shut without stopping to lock it. I ran downstairs, taking a moment to breathe only when I got back in my car.
And I was off.
I drove aimlessly at first. Reed kept creeping into my mind. I pictured him with bloody fingers and a sweaty face, so pale he looked like he’d die if he stayed in the heat long. My baby brother. My best friend before anyone else. My buddy in crime. What would I do if I lost him? And to Lucifer, of all people?
Tears trickled down my face. I blinked them back. No. I wouldn’t lose control over the situation. I would get him out even if I had to sell my own soul to the devil. Which I may have already done.
My car stopped. I found myself in front of another apartment building, one surrounded by large oak trees. I stepped out and stood, frozen, for a few minutes. When I got the courage to make a move, I marched upstairs.
On the second floor, I knocked on the first door. No one answered. I knocked harder and harder and harder, my knocks turning to bangs. After what seemed like forever, someone unlatched the chain on the other side and opened the door. I pulled my hand away, feeling an ache in my now-red knuckles.
Devin stared at me, obviously confused. He didn’t smile, and the dimples I’d come to love stayed hidden.
“Addy?” His eyes traveled from my head down, probably wondering why I was dripping sweat. “What happened?”
Not waiting for an invitation, I pushed past him. My shoulder brushed against his side, and I felt a chill go down my spine. I planted my feet in the center of the living room and crossed my arms, waiting for the right words to come out of my mouth.
He stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets, wearing sweatpants and an old, wrinkly white T-shirt I used to love because of how soft its cottony fabric felt whenever I wrapped my arms around him.
I shoved the memory out of my head and opened my mouth to speak. “Did you cheat on me?”
His eyebrows lifted and he sneered. “What?”
“You heard me.”
Silence fell. I could hear a car pull up outside, its tires turning into a parking space and crunching against the gravel.
Devin chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. “Come on . . . I’ve moved on. You should too.”
It had barely been a week since he’d broken up with me without a reason. Moving on seemed ridiculous. What I wanted was for him to admit his infidelity. Maybe then I could try to put him behind me.
“Devin,” I said, and took a step closer. I fixed my eyes on him as I spoke. “Did you ever love me?”
As if I had enchanted him, Devin kept his eyes on mine and didn’t blink or move away. “Of course I loved you.”
I took two more steps and stood just a few inches from him. “Did you cheat on me?”
His lips parted like he was about to answer, but no words came out. I pushed myself against him, resting my hands on his chest, all while keeping my eyes locked on his.
“Devin, I need to know. Did you cheat on me?”
“I . . . didn’t.”
Against my thigh, I felt his cell phone vibrate. My eyes still on his, I dug my hand into his pocket and pulled out the phone.
“What are you doing?” His tone was hard, though he didn’t try to pull away or take the phone from me.
With the phone’s lock screen still on, I glanced at the text and sighed. It was just a message from work. I put the phone back in his pocket and looked at him. “Devin, I want the truth.”
He blinked a few times before freezing again. “Addy, I didn’t want to hurt you.” He moved his head closer to mine. “I’m so sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” I needed to hear it. I needed to hear the words.
“I slept with someone else when we were together.”
“When did it happen?”
Devin blinked like the spell had broken. But he didn’t move away. “I’m so sorry, Addy.” He looked at me with wet eyes. “It was two months ago, and it’s been eating at me.”
I dropped my hands from his chest and moved away. “How could you?” He had made me feel like I was the one who messed up. I’d felt guilty thinking that it was me who screwed things up, who made him fall out of love. But it wasn’t my fault; it was his.
“You deserve better.” He grabbed my hands and pulled me against him. “I’m sorry, Addy.” He rested his forehead against mine. “I’m sorry.”
I felt moisture on my cheeks. It took me a moment to realize that it was his tears, not mine.
“Don’t say sorry. That word doesn’t mean anything anymore coming from you.” I pushed him away and unsheathed Reed’s Swiss Army knife from my back pocket.
“Addy . . .”
Ignoring him, I drew the reamer out from the knife. It was small and sharp and looked like the offspring of a small knife and a big needle.
“Addy, please. I need you to forgive me.”
I didn’t want to look at him. I reached for his hand and flipped it, palm up. The hand that held the knife trembled, but I let the pointy end of the reamer make contact with his wrist. Without thinking too much about it, I cut the letter L into his skin.
“Ow!” He jumped back and clutched his bleeding wrist with his other hand. “What did you do?”
My eyes watched the blood ooze out. The “L” imprint looked a lot like blotchy red ink on paper.
Devin’s eyes met mine, though he wasn’t the same as a moment ago. His pupils were dilated and dark. “Addy, why?”
“Oh my God.” The knife fell from my hand and landed on the carpet. I stood there for a second, watching the blue in his eyes get distorted. My legs trembled, but I managed to reach down, grab the knife, and run out of the apartment, leaving Devin with Lucifer’s initial on his arm.
Back in my car, I threw the knife into the glove compartment and raced out of the neighborhood. My head throbbed, and my heart drummed in my ears.
This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening! What have I done? The words repeated in my head like an endless recording. What have I done? His eyes, his blue eyes, the pupils expanding, turning the oceans into black pits—that was all I saw.
