Still Us

by Lindsay Detwiler

  But then, Luke looks up at me, his eyes watery. He speaks, and it sends a jolt through me. “Look, Lila. Dot’s right. I know things aren’t perfect, and I know I hurt you.”

  “We hurt each other,” I correct him, practically whispering.

  “We did. And I know it’s been a long time, and we’ve both moved on. But dammit, I miss you like crazy. I miss us and who we were together. I miss our breakfast walks and our Netflix binge-watching sessions. I miss your cold feet jolting me awake in the morning. I miss that weird-smelling shampoo in the shower and the way you always winked at me when I passed the salt. I miss everything about you.” His voice, a reverent whisper, wraps itself around me in the deepest sense.

  Tears fall now, the freedom of the admission to myself and to him releasing. “I miss you, too. I never stopped missing you. But what happened to us? How did this happen to us?”

  “I don’t know. I know there’s a lot that’s changed. I know we can’t just go back to the way it used to be. Hell, I don’t even know if I want to go back, because I know there was a lot wrong. But I miss you, Lila. I love you. I don’t want to keep on like this if it means I have to keep on without you. I don’t know what we need to do to fix this, and I don’t even know if it’s completely possible. There’s a part of me, though, that thinks maybe it’s not all gone. There’s a part of me that thinks you might feel it too. I think that despite everything, we can find who we were together again. If we wanted, we could still be us, but better. We could be the us we always should’ve been.”

  I don’t respond or try to rationalize what he’s said. I don’t search for answers or ask the hard questions. I don’t work out the logistics in my head or think of all the ways this could go wrong. I don’t ask for fancy promises or pledges from him. I don’t ask for arbitrary discussions about forever. Instead, I listen to my heart and what it’s been saying for the past six months.

  With the streetlight illuminating the darkness above us, I lean in, my hand planted on the pole to steady myself. I lean in and let my lips find the familiar shape of his mouth, the beard I once asked him to shave feeling so good against my cold chin. Our kiss starts out hesitant, the kiss of two strangers unsure of their footing in the relationship. Soon, though, despite the frost in the air and in our hearts, we are home in the kiss. We find the familiar feeling we’ve been missing, and I’m entranced by the jolt between us. There’s no denying it. The spark is still there, maybe even stronger. As his hand moves to my face and he grasps me just the way I like it, I melt into him, letting go of all the fears and frustrations I once felt. The wall between us cracks and then crumbles as his tongue dances on mine in a pattern familiar, a pattern craved.

  “I love you, Lila,” he whispers, his breath puffing clouds that drift between us. “I’ve lived my life thinking marriage was the enemy. But I’ve come to learn that a life without you is the enemy. I’ll marry you tomorrow or next week or next year if that’s what you want. Because a life without you isn’t a safe life. It’s just empty.”

  I catch my breath and calm my murmuring heart, giving a voice to the words etched into my being. “I love you, too. I’ve never stopped. And marriage isn’t what it’s all about. I thought it was. But this love we have doesn’t need a ring or a promise of forever. It just needs you and me together. That’s it. Marriage isn’t for everyone, but what we have isn’t something everyone finds either. I love you forever, ring or no ring.”

  “So we’re made for each other, then? Soul mates after all?” he asks, and a huge grin spreads on my face.

  “Soul mates,” I say, grinning, and he wraps me in his arms.

  Standing, staring at the town we call home together, I exhale for the first time in months.

  After all this time, after all the doubts, I am confident now. It took us falling apart, trying to move on, and almost losing it all for us to figure it out. I’m thankful, though, that we did. I’m thankful we’re here, right back here, where we should be. After all these heartaches and questions, there’s just one thing I know as Luke’s hand firmly grasps mine as if he’ll never let go.

  We’re still us. We’re definitely still us, and that’s more than good enough for me.

  Epilogue

  One year later

  “Will someone please pass me another shot of whiskey?” Mr. Morrow asks as Will straightens my tie. Dean obliges, passing him the entire bottle.

  “Did Lucy call again?” I ask, smoothing out my suit jacket.

  “Yes. She only left five more messages this time about Grandma Claire’s outfit and questions about the caterer. She also wanted to make sure your boutonnieres were correctly placed. Do I look like a wedding planner or something?” he asks before taking a huge gulp straight from the bottle. “I’ll see you guys in a few. I have to get back to my spot. God help me if that woman mentions those damn boutonnieres one more time.”

  I grin, shaking my head, knowing Lila must be going about crazy right now.

  In truth, Lucy Morrow is both elated that this day has come—and horrified that we wanted to keep it simple. Fifty guests, a small fire hall reception, and no limousine equates to debauchery in her book.

  But at the end of it, Lila stood firm that she wanted things simple.

  I think a part of her still wants to make sure it isn’t over the top for me, which is crazy. I’ve told her over and over again I’m fine with whatever she wants.

  After I put that ring on Lila’s finger in the Park Lane waiting room back in June, she swore we could just elope and keep it simple. I wouldn’t hear anything of the sort.

  “Let’s do it right, Lila. Let’s make sure the whole family is involved.”

  So, here we are, getting ready to take that big step, the step I was terrified of for so long.

  Looking in the mirror at myself now, though, I don’t even remember who that man was. The man who was so afraid of commitment, of saying I do, of forever, is long gone. That man who two years ago messed up everything by swearing he’d never stand here, in this position, is long gone.

  The man who was afraid to chase his dreams is long gone, too. I’ve worked on my last roof, this summer taking my career on a new path. I’m living my dreams in all ways, going on tour this spring with a well-known band. I’m singing full-time now.

  And I’m with Lila full-time now, forever, for good. Everything I was too afraid to believe could happen came true.

  I’m a lucky man in so many ways.

  It’s so symbolic that we’re getting married today, on Christmas, the day that was the beginning of the end of us… and now the beginning of forever.

  I guess, in a way, our breakup changed me. It made me stronger. It made me realize, above all, that there were scarier things than wedding vows and promises.

  Like losing Lila.

  It’s been a long road to here. There were so many details to work out after that night at the streetlight. There were hurts and fears to overcome.

  Still, we did. We found our way back. We found that, even after we’d cracked apart and dissolved the relationship, it was never really gone. We weren’t the same Luke and Lila as when we started—but that was a good thing. We were better. We were wiser.

  We were more aware of what we had to lose and how much we didn’t want that to happen.

  “You ready, bro? It’s about time,” Evan says, slapping me on the shoulder.

  I turn to him, smiling. “I’m ready. Let’s do this.”

  We head out to the altar, and I find my place, looking out at all the people who matter most in our lives.

  Grandma Claire is already seated up front, Trixie on her lap—of course. She’s wearing a red strapless dress with a hot pink hat. I’m feeling like this wasn’t the outfit she was supposed to wear. She blows me a kiss from her bright red lips as the organ music begins to play.

  “I love you, Luke!” she screams, to the preacher’s chagrin.

  “Love you too, Grandma Claire. You’re beautiful,” I yell back, ignoring formalities. Grandma
Claire blushes and winks.

  As the music begins, Charley leads my mom down the aisle to her seat. Lila’s mom is on the other arm. The two look beautiful. Mom blows me a kiss as well, and I smile. Once they’re in the pew, Charley gives me a thumbs-up. I notice Lucy scowling at the sight of Trixie, but she apparently decides she has to just go with it.

  The bridesmaids are next, Scarlet, Zoey, and Maren as the matron of honor. They look gorgeous in their red dresses, poinsettias in their arms. Everyone is all smiles, perhaps because they thought this day would never come.

  Henry is next—the ring bearer of course—pulling a wagon with baby Sophia, Will and Maren’s daughter. Will’s mom walks beside the wagon as a precaution. I grin as everyone fusses over the sight.

  And then it’s time.

  The doors open, and she’s there, right there, walking toward me.

  For so many years, I’d feared this moment, made it out to be this terrifying lie. Standing here, emotion sweeps over me and I realize I was a fool.

  I was a fool to think the sight of Lila walking toward me, waiting to promise forever to me, would be anything but beautiful.

  She ambles toward me, and I hear our friends and family members rise, but I don’t worry about them. I can’t take my eyes off the vision coming down the aisle. I want to sear the sight into my memory.

  The woman who stole my heart over a dying cat, who agreed to go on a date with me at the gym, who missed part of our first date because of a pager, is going to be my wife, be my forever. The woman who makes me want to be a better man, who supports my crazy dreams and pushes me to find happiness is going to be by my side for the rest of my life.

  We are going to be Luke and Lila for good.

  There’s no fear, no desire to run away. There’s no worry that I’m going to follow in my father’s footsteps. As Mr. Morrow puts Lila’s hand in mine and kisses her cheek, as I feel the touch of that familiar skin on mine, there’s nothing but sheer joy that my best friend, the woman who completes me, my soul mate is here with me ready to say “I do.”

  I kiss Lila on the cheek and whisper an “I love you” as we head up the steps to stand in front of the preacher, in front of our family, and in front of God to commit ourselves to each other. As we do, I turn around for a second to the other familiar face in the crowd.

  Dot.

  She’s wearing a beautiful green dress. I give her a smile, and she winks at me.

  I turn back to the ceremony, to the words, and to the forevers I promise.

  We say our vows, which we’ve written ourselves. When it’s my turn, I turn to the woman who changed everything for me, and I spill my heart out for her.

  “When you came into my life, Lila Morrow, I didn’t know how broken I was. I was this fool wandering through life with no purpose or sense of direction. And then there you were. You saved so much more than Floyd that day. You saved me. You made me realize that love was beautiful and worth it. I knew from that first day there was something about us. Standing here today, in front of our friends and family, I promise to always remember that there is truly something special about us together. I promise even on our worst days, on days when we feel like throwing in the towel, I’ll remember what I knew from that first day—we’re good together, so good together. I promise to love you and support your dreams. I promise to stand beside you when the road gets rocky, and I promise to pick up the crumbs of our relationship when we fall apart. I promise to always remember we’re better together than apart, and I promise to give my best self to you, every day, for the rest of our lives. Above all, I promise to remember that you are and always will know the song in my soul, and I promise to know yours.”

  With that, the preacher ushers me to the back of the altar, where I’ve stowed my guitar.

  As Lila stands in her spot, tears streaming, I play the song, our song, “Under the Streetlight.”

  It’s more than just a song. It’s a promise. No matter how many stages I play on or how many crowds know my name, there will be no better moment for me than this one. There will be no other performance that means this much.

  When we get lost, when we feel like it’s not worth it, we’ll remember that symbol of us, the light in the darkness, the place where so many times, we realized our dreams are with each other.

  The preacher finishes the ceremony and I kiss my bride, a passionate kiss we’ve waited too long for. We run out the back of the church, Mr. and Mrs. Bowman, and Grandma Claire lets out her signature yee-haw.

  “We’re married. I can’t believe it,” Lila proclaims, leaning on my arm.

  “I can,” I say, smiling. Because I can. It took me a while to get here. It took us a while to get here. It took me a while to realize the truth.

  With Lila, I’m able to get over the past and my fears. With Lila, her happiness is my happiness.

  With Lila, everything is possible, and I want to hang on to that forever.

  ***

  “Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!” a voice bellows as Lila and I clink glasses at the head table, finishing our dinner.

  “I didn’t know you invited Santa Claus!” Grandma Claire shouts, a huge smile on her face at the table in front of us.

  “Santa Claus” rushes into the reception, handing a small gift to Lila and me.

  I see familiar eyes behind the costume and laugh.

  So this was where Charley went when dinner was being served.

  The deejay plays some holiday music, but stops it as Charley—er, Santa—takes the mic.

  “I just want to say congratulations to the beautiful couple we’re celebrating tonight. I haven’t been in this family long, but I can honestly say it’s a family filled with love. Welcome to our family, Lila.”

  I smile, handing the gift to Lila to open. She peels back the paper, and reveals a key. She looks at me, confused. “What is it?”

  “I don’t know,” I say, eyeing Charley and then Mom.

  “Your mother and I thought it was about time you two get a new place, since your place isn’t quite what you had before,” Charley says.

  It’s true. We’ve been living in Lila’s apartment, which is a little bit small—and let’s just say the neighbors above us like to have a screaming good time. It’s a far cry from the first place we had.

  “I don’t understand,” I say, staring at him.

  “It’s not much, but you see, I have this rental property across town. It’s yours.” His words are simple, but they shake me to the core.

  I pause, wondering if I’ve heard him right. “What?”

  “It’s yours, son. Make lots of great memories there.”

  I’m choked up now, and Lila gasps.

  “Is this for real?” she asks.

  “I think so,” I say, as we stand from the table. Mom and Charley rush over, and we are wrapped up in a group hug as the rest of the guests clap.

  “I can’t believe this, thank you,” Lila says.

  “Thank you,” I say, also touched by their kindness.

  “You two are just beautiful together. You deserve a place to call home for good,” Charley says, grinning behind the beard.

  I look at the kind eyes of the man who came into my mom’s life later in life, who came into our lives later in life, but has made such an impression all the same.

  I see in Charley the kind of man I wish my father had been, the kind of man I hope to someday be for our kids.

  “I love you,” I say to Charley.

  “I love you too,” Charley says. “Glad to be part of the family.”

  “All right, all right, enough sappiness for one day,” Scarlet says, rushing up to hug us now too. She smiles. “Love you, big brother and Lila. So glad you two are finally hitched. Now can we get this party started?”

  Some glasses tap, and Grandma Claire lets out a rebel yell. I point to the deejay who changes to some fast-paced music, and everyone hits the dance floor.

  Grandma Claire is twerking, and even Lucy is letting loose—I think her husband spiked her drin
k to get her to calm down.

  Scarlet and John dance beside Lila and me. Evan and Zoey are getting a little close, and even Henry has wandered out onto the floor.

  All around us, the ones we love, the people who matter most, surround us, celebrate with us, and cheer us on.

  “This is the best Christmas we’ve ever had,” Lila whispers into my ear.

  “Honey, you haven’t seen anything yet,” I say, winking, and lean down to kiss her hungrily.

  “Will you two get a room?” Maren asks, sneaking up beside us.

  I finally pull away, and Maren shakes her head. “Anyway, aren’t you glad I dragged you to Zumba?” Maren asks Lila.

  Lila scrunches her nose.

  “From what I heard, you two were on the banished wall after I believe someone used the phrase ‘Zumba bitches.’ In reality, I’m married to an outlaw,” I say, kissing Lila on the cheek.

  Lila smiles, shaking her head. “Well, you’re the one who chose to be soul mates with a rebel, you know.”

  “And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now come on, let’s hit up the cookie table.”

  I wink at her, and we head over to the cookie table—which doesn’t have a single cookie on it.

  “Three please,” I say, and Dot just smiles a huge smile from behind the mock Dot’s Doughnuts counter.

  “You two are made for each other,” she says, handing us our plate of three peanut-butter glazed doughnuts.

  “Yeah, I think we might be,” Lila says, leaning in to take a bite of one of the doughnuts in my hand.

  When we each finish our first, we split the third right down the middle, heading back to the dance floor for a little bit more partying and a whole lot more forever.

  “Still us,” Lila says, leaning into me as we make our way back to our wedding, to our party, and to the forever sitting before us.

  “Still us,” I reply, nodding and thinking about how glad for that I am.

  Bonus scene for newsletter subscribers: Bachelorette party

  “Lila, I need you to come to the waiting room quickly, please,” Zoey says as I’m finishing up some charts in the back office, about ready to call it quits.