by Kara Hart
I walk back into my closet and sit down on the carpet, holding my dress. “What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask myself. I see my reflection in the mirror and laugh. Fuck it. At the very least, I can sell off my half and never see his ass again.
James
I went and got the damn ring. I bought the suit, I reserved the spot at the court house. I did everything that a man does before the wedding. There’s just one thing she doesn’t know. I’m not getting married. Not yet, at least.
Every time I think of her, I realize how fucked up this whole situation is, and how I let my family troubles get in the way of loving Olivia. It was so pure at first. Now, it’s an off-white, fading into grey oblivion. My father is proud, no doubt. His son is carrying the lifeline down into another kind of oblivion.
Yet, I can’t be proud of myself. I thought I was a man. How I acted was more like a child. I saw an opportunity and decided to take it. In the end, I love Olivia to death. All it took was opening my eyes to see it. She makes me feel… unimaginable. Like I’m on top of the fucking world.
Tomorrow is the day everything changes. It could end in flames. I just have to see it through, but in my own way.
“Are you ready?” my father asks me.
“Ready enough,” I tell him.
“That’s the attitude,” he says.
I nod my head with slight anger. “Dad,” I say.
“Yes, son?” he asks, voice shaking from age.
“None of this will bring Mom back,” I tell him. “My marriage. This celebration. She wasn’t able to see me walk down an aisle. She won’t be able to see me have kids. She won’t experience those things, and that’s okay.”
“Stop it. Right now. I don’t want to hear that kind of talk.” His eyes droop down into his skin. His voice gets rockier, darker even.
“We have to let go sometime. You and I both know this,” I say. “Family is everything. You taught me that. But family doesn’t last forever. It ends and changes eventually.”
My father, unable to react to what I’ve said, falters. Then, without a word, nor a sound, he turns his back and walks away.
No, this marriage won’t be your typical marriage.
I grab the ring and put it back in its box. I place it in my jacket pocket. I walk out of my dad’s house and head to the car. Jenna comes running after me.
“Hey!” she shouts. I turn around and nod upward. “Are you serious about all of this? Olivia… I mean, you guys just met.”
I laugh. “Yeah. And I’m in love with her,” I say.
“Yeah, but James—”
“You didn’t let me finish,” I say. I look up at the house. From his study, my dad peers out from the curtains. When our eyes meet, he retreats. “I can’t let that man dictate how my life goes. I really love that woman, but I was a fool to trade it in for a house, even if this house is full of nostalgia and greatness. I’m not marrying her tomorrow. Hell no. I’m getting her back.”
Jenna squints her eyes and takes a step back. “Wait. What about this house?” she asks, appalled.
“Dad gave me a similar offer to the one he gave you before you got married,” I say.
“James, that was a wedding present,” she says.
“Look, he gave me an ultimatum. He said he’d sell the house away. What was I supposed to do? I don’t want it going to someone else. It should belong to us,” I say.
“Jesus. I mean, I know Dad has been through hell lately, but still. This is too much,” I say.
“Yeah, which is why tomorrow I’m letting him have it,” I say.
“Come on, James. Don’t be ruthless,” she says.
“Jenna, trust me on this. I’m not going to be ruthless. He’s going to know that I love him, but Olivia is far too important to lose. She’s got that heart of gold, you know? It’s that special something you search ages for. It’s in her. I want to continue our relationship,” I say. “I want to learn and grow. I want us to figure things out together. Then, when the time is right, we might get married. Who the hell knows?”
“Then tell her that. Tell her exactly what you just told me. If she hears that, she’ll know,” she says.
“Listen, I have to go. There’s a lot to think about tonight. I just want you to know that I love you. You hear me? I’ve always got your back,” I say.
“I know it, James. You’re a good guy. You hardly ever make any mistakes. You annoy me, brother. But in the end, I know you’re good for this woman. Go get her back,” she says. “And this time, don’t be such a fool.”
Olivia
Wedding bells go off. Attention Olivia: this is the point in your life when everything goes wrong. Wake up.
I open my eyes to the blinking alarm on my phone. The siren noise goes off straight in my ear. Normally, I have to strain my body to fully wake up. This time, it’s instant. “Don’t do this,” Josie texted me this morning at 4 AM. “Please don’t do it.”
I don’t know what I’m doing. I know that I’m definitely going to show up. I’m going to look him in the eyes. And when he puts that ring on my finger, I’m going to mutter the words “Fuck you.”
I walk over to my dress and grab it. I hang it up in the bathroom and get ready. I take my time on my makeup, completely alone and solitary. I imagine myself around my bridesmaids, my mom, and then seeing my dad later on in the day. There will be none of that. No friendly faces. It will be my lonely walk to the edge of the dark, blue sea. Sharks in the water waiting to chew me to bits.
I drive myself to the courthouse. Outside are James and his father. The mere sight of both of them gets my blood boiling. I park my car and sit for a second. I let them wait for me. When it’s time, I walk over to them.
James grabs my hand. I’m shaking. He looks into my eyes. There’s honesty looking back at me, but how can that even be possible when he’s such a liar? “Can we talk for a second?” he asks me.
“There’s nothing to talk about anymore,” I tell him. “Let’s just get this over with, James.”
“You look lovely,” Jim says.
I walk right by him. I walk inside, straight to the clerk at the courthouse. “One marriage license, please,” I say.
“Olivia!” James’s father shouts. “Out here. I wanted to make it a bit more special than this.”
I turn around and walk back out of those large doors. “Just talk to me for one second,” James says.
“James. Stop it. I’m doing what your father wants, okay? We will own that house together. And when the time comes, I will sell you my half. Deal?” I ask him. He doesn’t respond, so I keep walking.
Jim has now met up with another older man. It’s a priest, to be exact. “You have got to be kidding me,” I whisper to myself.
Jim opens his proud mouth and says, “I took the liberty of allowing a dear friend, Father Blume, to officiate the wedding. This is the best day of your life, you two. I know you wanted a smaller wedding. Even an old man like myself can respect that. But every wedding needs a ceremony of sorts. I hope you don’t mind.”
Til death do us part. In holy matrimony. The words sear. They cause undeniable pain because as I stand here, I know that James is going to go through with it. As Father Blume walks toward me with a wicked smile and darkness in his eyes, I know that it’s all over. James, I loved you.
“Please, James,” Father Blume says. His voice sounds like it has been slowed down. My senses start to blur and cross into one another. “Would you like to read your vows?”
“Yes, father,” he says. He glances up at me, and steps forward. With a clear of the throat, he starts speaking. This is it. He’s actually doing this. He’s marrying me in exchange for a piece of property. Here I am, ready to end it all.
“Olivia, I met you on a whim. I was asked to speak to a university class, to a few hundred students on one Wednesday. One and a half hours. That was my allotted time. I didn’t think much of it. I thought it was just some extra pay. I thought I could help out an old friend and colleague. But then,
when I thought it was time to go back to the surgery room, a young woman called out to me. I turned and saw her. I smiled cordially. I looked past her. I saw you,” he says.
Fucking asshole, I tell myself. Don’t listen to him.
“I saw true beauty, and she was staring back at me. Everything wonderful was right there, within a short sprint. What could I do? I talked to you. I got your number. I was hoping for a date, but I ended up with so much more,” he says. “And then I went and ruined it all. You see, a heavy weight has fallen on my family. It’s been too much to bear. My father can barely stand amongst it all. He gave me a proposal, indecent and all. I took it in my hands and looked at it. I said, ‘why not? What’s the worst that could happen?’ That was the day I fell as a man.”
I take a step back. There’s acknowledgment in his vows. The truth is buried between the lines. But where is it all heading? In my gut, I still don’t trust him. I look at Jim, standing beside him with a stern look on his face. “Hurry it up, son,” he tells him.
James puts a hand up to silence him, his own father. “Let me finish,” he tells him. Jim backs off, but barely.
“Now, I want to marry you. Don’t get me wrong on this. I look at you and I want to do so much more than just that. I want a family. I want children. I want everything imaginable. Yet, as I fall to my knees, it’s not for your hand in marriage. It’s for your forgiveness,” he says. My stomach is turning with knots. I start to bounce on the edge of my heels. I want to run away. I want to dig under the ground. What the fuck is happening?
James falls to his knees. He looks up at me, still strong as ever. “I fucked up, Olivia. I fucked up big time. I don’t want the house. Fuck the house!” he yells. “I want you. I want us. I’m willing to trade everything in, all my cards for this. You want to move to Tokyo? Hell, I’ll go with you. You want to ranch for a while? I’ll try it. With you, I’ll try anything.”
“Son,” Jim says. “What are you doing?”
“God dammit, Dad,” he says, standing back up. “Mom is dying. There’s nothing we can do about that. It’s time to let go.”
“You don’t tell me what to—”
“You’ve been the best father a boy could ever ask for. Now I’m a man. I know what you think about family. Believe me, I feel it too. That’s why I’m not willing to compromise on this. I want a family with this woman. It’s time for you to move on. Be the father I need right now.”
Jim is speechless. I am speechless. We’re all speechless, especially Father Blume.
James turns back around. He grabs my hands and smiles, eyes full of sincerity. “Can you ever forgive me?” he asks.
“You’ve been such a shit,” I cry. Underneath the tears, a small laugh darts out from my lips. He tenderly wipes away the tears from my cheek. He kisses me lightly, right under the bridge of my left eye.
“I’ve been worse than a shit,” he says. “I’m ashamed. But I want to make it up to you. I want to be yours, finally.”
“I don’t know, James,” I say. The memories of him hurting me can’t go away just yet. “I need time.”
“Then take some time,” he says. “Just don’t forget about me. Don’t shut me out for good.”
“Just give me time, okay?” I whisper.
“Okay,” he says.
I turn and walk away, but my walk turns into a slight jog. I duck into my car and drive around the corner. I park the car in a gas station parking lot, right underneath pump number three. I shield my eyes and I just scream. I scream as loud as I can, from as deep of a place as I possibly can. I let everything out, until there’s nothing left, until there’s only a smile, and laughter, and total confusion.
What the fuck is happening? Can anyone tell me?
James
“Now what?” I ask myself in the parking lot of the courthouse. My dad is standing beside me, too stunned to even communicate with me. The priest has taken leave under a shady grove, fanning himself with his Bible.
“Now what?” I repeat it aloud. “Huh Dad?”
No words come from his mouth, but he glances up at the sky, as if he’s received some sort of revelation. “I’ve been a shit, haven’t I?”
“Yes, you have, Dad. But so have I,” I say.
“I guess it runs in the family,” he laughs.
For the first time in my life, my dad humbles himself in a way I haven’t seen. He starts to show exactly how he’s feeling, without hiding behind his pride, and his values. He lowers himself on the grass and sits down, exhausted. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” he says. “Trying to get you to get married. Bribing you…”
“I grew up in that house too, Dad. It means a lot. I want to honor it, to give it new life, but if you need me to marry someone right this second in order to give it to me, I can’t do that,” I say. “Just trust me on this. When the time comes, I’ll have a family. When it feels right, I’ll jump into that role. I’m not going to be a bachelor forever. I love Olivia. I guess I just have to hope that she still loves me.”
“You two will figure things out. You’ll make things right for her. I know you will. You’re a good man. That’s what good men do. They lower themselves for other people. They’re humble. That’s you, James,” he says.
“Thank you, Dad,” I say.
“Listen, I want to talk about something important,” he says.
He wipes his face with his hands. He groans to himself and tries to stabilize his breathing. “What’s up?” I ask him. “What’s wrong?”
“Your mother,” he says. “I think we all need to see her one more time. I think…” His voice trails off. He looks away, but I can tell that he’s about to cry. I’ve never seen my father cry until now. It’s a big step in our relationship.
“It’s okay, Dad,” I say. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“She lived a damn good life, right?” he asks me.
“She loved her life with you, with us,” I reassure him. The pain hits me square in the solar plexus. Fuck, love can hurt sometimes, but the payoff is worth it. All those memories have bottled up to make us who we are. She loved us. She gave us all she was able, and now she’s leaving.
“I just wish I could have one more moment with her. I didn’t know it would spread so rapidly. I thought we had time. When she first started feeling different, I just looked the other way. I thought she was just feeling our age. Hell, I feel like crap every other day. But then she fell. She fainted, and I knew that something bad was coming. A storm was rolling in,” he sobs. “As a man… no, as a father and husband, you think you’re a hero. You take on that role so fast that you forget your old self. Youth passes, but they don’t tell you that you can’t be strong forever. I couldn’t be a hero for her anymore. I couldn’t fix what she got. I failed her.”
I fall to the grass beside him. I grab my old man and I bring him in. I shelter my own father and try to be the hero he’s talking about, for him, for my family. “You didn’t fail anyone. At a certain point, it’s out of our control. We’re only human, dad. Mom knew it was her time. She never blamed you or anybody else. She told me once that peace was coming for her. I believe that, but you have more to look forward to. You still have life. Let her live through you.”
He nods solemnly and wipes his tears away. “Shit,” he growls. “I’m a grown man. Look at me. I’m crying like a baby.”
“I do it every damn day in that surgical room,” I laugh. “Real men don’t give a damn.”
“It’s a different world than what I’m used to, my boy,” he laughs. He pulls himself off that grass with me. “I think it’s time to talk to the doctors. I think we need to stop the machines. You’re right. She’s not coming back. Peace is coming for her. We need to let her go.”
“Yeah,” I say. “I guess it’s time.”
“We should meet with Jenna. Maybe tomorrow,” he says.
I should be pissed at my father for what he put me through. Sure, dads can be pretty shitty, but this was unprecedented. However, I know that he’s
a good man, despite all of this. I know that deep down, he’s trying his best to cope with everything that’s changing around him. He’s an old man who has been forced to accept that his life partner is drifting away from him for good. I can’t begin to imagine how isolating that must feel.
My mind always goes back to Olivia. What will happen with us? I think of her drifting away from me, all because how stupid I’ve been. I can’t let it be for good.
I try to imagine how our life could be. I could move away with her. I could transfer to another hospital, or find other work in helping people. None of that matters to me now when I think about it. I never used to believe in love, like this, but now that I feel it, I know it’s real. It punches you in the gut and leaves you searching for answers. When she’s gone, you feel empty. When she’s near, you feel unstoppable.
“Tomorrow,” I tell my dad. “I’ll tell Jenna.” There’s a lot I need to figure out, but I know I’m on my way. I’m getting Olivia back, even if it means sacrificing my entire life for her. I don’t give a damn anymore. She’s the one. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Olivia
Her heels tap against the hardwood floor. His boots stand idle, while he crosses his arms. My parents stand above me, livid and appalled. Josie sits in the corner, near me but not near enough. This is practically my intervention. “I could care less about what you say right now, Olivia. This is your life. You shouldn’t be with that man.”
“You don’t understand,” I groan. “It’s not what you think.” I let my head fall into my lap. How did it all go this way? I look over at Josie and roll my eyes. She mouths the words “I’m sorry,” but it doesn’t help or feel any better that she’s around.
I mouth back to her, “Fuck you.”
Josie stands up and looks my dad in the eyes. She then looks back at me, unsure what to do. I avert my gaze and stare straight at my wall. “I fucked up,” she suddenly says. Still, I don’t look at her. No apologizing can help this situation. I’ll always have to look back at this time and wonder how it could have all gone down if we all just behaved a bit more normal.
