Protecting Carissa (Special Forces: Operation Alpha)

by Shauna Allen

  His brows curled down in confusion and maybe a bit of frustration.

  “Just think on it for a while,” I urged him. “And I will, too.”

  He nodded, his eyes automatically falling to my belly. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking. “Fine,” he finally said, seemingly unconvinced that time would solve anything. “I’ll come by your place Friday night. We’ll talk then.”

  Then, oh, God . . . then, he leaned in and kissed me. It was chaste and sweet, but as his lips touched mine, he held his palm over our child as if to offer us both a bit of himself.

  Cody

  My team met up with Tex’s team of SEALs back at HQ later that afternoon for a debriefing, though I had to admit it was all I could do to focus, my mind continually straying back to Carissa and that baby bump.

  Wolf and Tito walked us through all the latest intel on Esteban and the cartel as well as Shadeek and the current chatter about arms trades and threat assessments. No more threats had been made against American assets, but that didn’t mean much.

  “Anything new from Brianne?” Lucky asked. We’d all pretty much given up calling her El Lobo Blanco or even the White Wolf since we found out her true identity.

  Tex shook his head. “Not really. She’s been fairly quiet recently.”

  “What about her parents?” Bubba asked. “What’s the latest with them?”

  Tex looked to Wolf to update us.

  “Well . . . her mother died under mysterious circumstances a few years ago. But we did make contact with Mr. Kennard. Briefly. He was not very interested in speaking with us or hearing what we had to say. He claims he’s in contact with his daughter and that, as far as he’s concerned, she’s safe and healthy, and for us not to bother him again.”

  “What a lying piece of shit,” Benny grumbled.

  “A piece of shit under the thumb of Esteban who I’m sure was listening to our call,” Wolf acknowledged with a deep frown.

  I shifted in my seat. “So, what now?”

  Tex glanced at me. “I’m already on that. I created a chat room on the dark web called The White Wolf Room, so it’ll be nice and easy for her to find. I’ve hidden some encryption software in there, so we can hopefully chat using hidden ciphers without anyone being able to read our messages. Once she finds it and logs in, we should be able to get some true contact going and see how legit she is.”

  “That’s fucking brilliant, man,” Dude said.

  “Yeah, well, that’s why you guys brought me out of my nice, cushy retirement.” Tex smirked.

  “Medical discharge is hardly retirement, bro,” Cookie said, kicking his chair. “Retirement’s for old folks.”

  “Exactly,” Abe crowed. “We really should call the retirement home he escaped from.”

  “Shut the hell up,” Tex growled.

  “Enough of that, guys,” Wolf said with a grin. “Let’s focus.”

  “Hell, I’m just glad she’s playing for the home team now,” Red piped up, his hands laced behind his head as he lounged back in his chair.

  “That’s no joke,” Mozart agreed as he paced near the window.

  “So, what exactly is the plan while we wait for her to log in?” Maverick asked.

  “We sit tight,” Tito said, his light eyes intense.

  There was a collective groan. As a rule, teams like ours didn’t like the downtime between missions. Well, maybe the family guys did now that they had women and children to be with, but it hadn’t always been that way. It was the team, the hunt, the mission, that ran through our veins and made us bleed red, white, and blue. Sure, we could train and prepare for a while, but eventually, we had to put our skills to use or lose our razor’s edge.

  Bubba stood. “That’s fine with me. I fucking hate that I missed little Johnny’s birth while we tracked that piece of shit all over kingdom come. I wouldn’t mind some time at home with Scarlett and the boys to make up for it.”

  “Congrats, man,” Benny said with a huge grin.

  “Thanks.” Bubba’s grin was even bigger as they shook hands.

  As the conversation continued on about the mission and details about Tex’s chat room, I was stuck on Bubba’s comment about not being there when his son was born.

  In an instant, it crashed down upon me the true, earth-shattering reality of my situation.

  My child was growing in Carissa’s womb.

  My child.

  Her words from that morning reverberated through my mind . . .

  I’m not making any demands of you right now, Cody, but you need to understand that I already love this baby and I’m keeping it, whether you take part in our lives or not . . .

  No demands.

  Whether I take part or not.

  What exactly did that mean anyway? Did she expect me to walk away? Did I want to? Could I? Thoughts of my mother’s struggles to raise me alone echoed in my mind and kicked my ass for even considering the idea. But what kind of father could I be without having had one in my life to show me how to do it? What would I miss?

  Jesus.

  I suddenly felt ill.

  I jumped up and rushed from the room, fumbling blindly through the door and down a few hallways until I found myself in the parking lot. I leaned against the front of the building and sucked in a few lungsful of air.

  “My God.” I bent over with my hands to my knees.

  A couple minutes later, the door opened, and a pair of worn boots appeared in my periphery. “You okay, Kid?” Tito asked, his voice low and concerned.

  “Yup.” Nope.

  “Lying goes against our brotherhood.” It was a statement of fact, and shame curled hot and fierce through my chest.

  I glanced up into his face a moment before I uncurled to my full height. “Brother, I—”

  “You got that sweet girl in the family way, and it’s got you running scared?”

  I snapped my mouth shut and simply stared at him. When had my team leader become so perceptive? Hell. He’d always been this way. I tilted my head, unable to contain my wry, half-smile. “Family way?”

  “That’s what my granny says, and don’t avoid the question.”

  “If you mean did I get her pregnant, then yes, I did. And am I scared out of my mind? Hell yes, I am.”

  His expression gave nothing away as he studied me. “What exactly are you scared of?”

  I turned away and squinted into the horizon, overcome with a million fears. “Everything. That I don’t know how I feel. That I don’t know how to be a father. That I won’t be a good one. That I’m not ready.”

  Tito was silent so long, I finally looked over. His green eyes had narrowed to speculative slits as he took me in and formed his words carefully. “News flash, Kid, but that ship has sailed, my man. It doesn’t matter how you feel or if you’re ready. You laid with that woman and made a child, and now that child’s needs have to come before your own, regardless of anything else, you understand me?”

  “Yeah, of course.” I thought of my own mother. How she did the best she could. I understood what he was saying, yet I still felt so insufficient.

  “I think we may have done you a disservice nicknaming you Kid.”

  I snapped around at his words. “Come again.”

  “Yes, you’re young, but your days of being a kid are over, Cody. It’s time to man up because this mission is going to be your biggest one yet, my friend.” He clapped a hand to my shoulder. “Remember, sometimes we make our choices, and sometimes our choices make us . . . but do not fuck this up, or I will personally fuck you up. You hear me, brother?”

  “I hear you, man. I hear you.”

  I thought on Tito’s words for the rest of the week until Friday night finally rolled around. I thought about Bubba and his son on every one of my morning jogs. I thought about my own mother and everything she did for me.

  I still had no idea what I wanted to say to Carissa as I made my way up to her apartment, but I knew Tito was right. I couldn’t screw this up. I owed her more than acting l
ike a scared child. This especially hit home after I called and talked to my mom. I didn’t tell her about Carissa or the baby, but just hearing her voice brought back so many memories of growing up without a dad and watching her struggle to make ends meet. No matter what Carissa and I were to each other at the end of the day, there was no way in hell I could ever do that to my own child. Never.

  I gave her door three swift knocks then stood back to wait, giving her apartment complex a closer inspection. The lighting was shoddy, the grounds were unkempt, and security was basically non-existent . . . no way was she staying here with my baby.

  I was at least relieved when I heard the give of a bolt lock before the door swung open. Her sweet face smiled up at me tentatively. “Hey.”

  “Hi.” I held out the bouquet of sunflowers. “For you.”

  Her smile grew in surprise. “Oh. Wow. Thank you.” She took the flowers and clutched them to her chest as if she’d never received anything so precious. “Come on in.”

  I stepped inside her tiny apartment and was again assailed by her scent, much like I had been the night we made love. She closed the door quietly, and I watched as she fussed over the flowers, putting them in a vase of water and arranging them on her small dining room table.

  As she moved, my eyes kept drifting down to her tiny belly. To our child that grew inside of her. I could hardly fathom that we’d created a life, and that one day I would get to hold someone’s tiny hand that I had a part in making.

  I lifted my gaze to find I’d been caught staring. She offered me a small, understanding smile. “Would you like to sit down?”

  “Sure.”

  We moved to the couch, and I waved off her offer of a drink or a snack. I just wanted to address the elephant in the room before I exploded.

  “Before we talk about . . .” She indicated her belly with a sweep of her hand. “Can I ask you some questions? I’ve been dying to know some things about you since we first met, but now that I’ve got half your DNA growing inside of me, I figure I’m on a need-to-know basis.”

  “Absolutely. Shoot.” I settled in for anything she wanted to ask me.

  “What’s your full name?”

  That was easy. “Cody Andrew Wilbanks.”

  She offered her hand. “I’m Carissa Monique Brewer. Mother of your child. Pleased to meet you.”

  I grinned as we shook. “Pleased to meet you, too. Again.”

  “Birthday? Age?”

  “I turned twenty-five on February twenty-fifth. Pisces.”

  She smiled at my bonus bit of information. “Any medical issues with you or your family I need to know about?”

  My smile fell. “Not that I’m aware of.”

  “Not that you’re aware of?”

  “I never knew my father, so I have no idea about that side of my family. But everyone else is fine and I’m healthy.” I began to pick at a stray string on my jeans, suddenly uncomfortable. “My blood type is A positive, and I was baptized in the Lutheran church. What else do you want to know?”

  Her gaze narrowed. “I’m just trying to get pertinent information for the health of the baby, Cody. Relax.”

  I took a cleansing breath. “I am relaxed. Sorry. What else?”

  She tilted her head. “Who was your first kiss?”

  “I—” I glanced over. “Come again?”

  She grinned. “You heard me. Who was the lucky girl?”

  “What does this have to do with the baby’s health?”

  Her grin grew. “Nothing. I’m just curious.”

  I shook my head, letting myself really relax. “Kendra Timmons. Sixth grade.”

  She leaned back on the couch with a sigh, her hand to her belly. “Oh, to be Kendra Timmons.” Silly grin still in place, she rolled her head to study me. “Was it a good kiss?”

  “Not really.”

  We both laughed.

  “So, do you have any other burning questions?” I asked. “Or can we talk about what’s next?”

  She shifted to face me, tucking her legs beneath her. “No. We can talk. There’s something I wanted to tell you, actually.”

  “Okay. Go ahead.”

  “Well . . . do you remember . . . that night—?”

  I reached over and grasped her hand. “I remember everything about that night, Carissa.”

  Her cheeks flushed adorably. “Me, too.”

  “What about it?”

  “Well, do you remember why I was so upset?”

  “Your uncle had just died.” God, how could I ever forget? Her tears had gutted me.

  “Right. Well, my Aunt Linda and I have only gotten closer since then—”

  “In Montana?”

  “You remembered.” She actually seemed surprised.

  “Of course, I remember. How is she?”

  She squeezed my fingers. “She’s as good as can be expected. She misses him.” Her eyes dropped then lifted to mine again. “She’s invited me to come live with her . . . to help me with the baby.” She swallowed. “And I want to go.”

  Carissa

  It seemed to take him a long moment to compute what I was saying. Then it must’ve clicked because he yanked his hand back and pulled away from me.

  “What?” he ground out, his expression disbelieving.

  “Cody . . .” I pleaded as he leapt to his feet and began pacing my small living room. “Please. Just listen.”

  He pivoted and faced me, his expression wrecked. “I’m listening.”

  I sucked in a tearful breath, overcome to finally have this man—the one I’d been dreaming about for months—standing in front of me, but the circumstances were all wrong. But, what was done was done, and I’d have to deal with it. “I haven’t had an easy life, Cody, but I’ve made the best of it.” I dashed the tears from my cheeks. “But these last five months? They’ve been hell. Between the absolutely awful morning sickness and money worries because I have no idea how I’m going to support myself, much less a child, and the relentless fear that you weren’t coming back . . . what you’d say when you did . . .” I dropped my head. “I’ve been a nervous wreck, caught somewhere between secret shame that this happened and overwhelming joy.” I met the blue eyes I’d been dreaming of. “Sometimes I can feel it moving inside of me, Cody. These tiny flutters of movement that are barely noticeable but frightening and wonderful at the same time. Do you have any idea what that’s like?”

  He blinked as if seeing me for the first time. “No. Can I—?” He reached out tentatively toward my stomach.

  “You don’t have to ask to touch me,” I whispered, taking his hand and cupping it with mine over our baby. “But I think it might be too small for you to feel anything yet. I just started feeling anything myself the past couple of weeks.”

  We stayed that way for several minutes, silently connected over the child we’d created, but secretly knowing it was the connection between us that truly mattered.

  “I’m sorry,” he finally murmured. “I know it’s been hard for you.”

  I nodded, still holding his hand on my belly, reluctant to lose this moment.

  His thumb idly stroked my stomach. “I don’t want to make it harder for either of you,” he whispered.

  Overcome, I leaned my head on his shoulder, willing the tears away. “I know.”

  “And I totally get why you’d want to be with family right now. I do . . .”

  I nodded again, unable to speak, not sure where my words had gone or why this was so painful. Had I expected him to fight for me? For our baby? He’d made it plainly clear he was not ready to be a father, and I’d given him an easy out.

  He tucked me into a tight embrace and kissed the top of my head, much like he had the night he’d comforted me. I closed my eyes to another rush of tears.

  “. . . but I want you to stay.”

  My head snapped up. “What?”

  He brushed the curls back so he could see my eyes and cupped my jaw. “I want you to stay, Carissa.”

  “But . . .”

&n
bsp; “I know I said I wasn’t ready and I’m scared, and that’s true, but I’m working on it, and I want to work on it with you. With our baby.” He brushed my bottom lip with this thumb. “Please give me a second chance. Don’t leave. I want to figure out a way to be a part of your life. Of our baby’s life. I’m not sure how I can do that if you move away to Montana.”

  “I—”

  He leaned his forehead against mine and forked both hands through my hair. “Please. I want the chance to be the father I never had. Don’t go. Stay with me. Be with me.”

  “Be with . . .?”

  But the words were ripped from my mouth by his lips as he kissed me with every bit of emotion I remembered from our night together that I’d decided I must’ve imagined.

  Nope.

  Not my imagination.

  His kiss was perfection then and even more perfect now.

  I moaned into his mouth and kissed him back with every bit of heart and soul I had, letting him know how much I’d missed him, how much I still had left to give now that I carried his child in my womb.

  He drew back and looked me square in the eye. “One more thing before you make up your mind.”

  “What’s that?”

  “This apartment isn’t safe for the mother of my child. If you stay here in Oceanside, you’re moving.”

  I opened my mouth to argue, but he shook his head, cutting me off. “That’s not up for negotiation. I will not have you or my child’s safety at risk. End of story.”

  I thought of my measly baby fund savings. “I can’t afford another apartment right now.”

  “Fine. Then you can move in with me.”

  As much as I wanted to deny the truth of what he was saying, he was right. My apartment was not the greatest, but it was the best I could afford. Having my Aunt Linda offer to let me come live with her had been a Godsend. But now . . . now . . .

  I shook my head and rose to pace to the window. “That’s crazy, Cody. I can’t move in with you.”

  “Why not?”

  I spun around. “Because . . . because we hardly know each other for starters!”